Matos Masei - IFS and the Yarden Within: When Protective Parts Are Afraid to Cross

1:53 Because parts all have some positive and negative impact. The positive impact, for example, of withdrawing from pain is that you don't have to feel that pain and perhaps be overwhelmed. The negative impact of not feeling your pain might be that you're avoiding very real feelings and communications, and you might need to move through that grief. We all have these parts that we develop. We develop these parts to keep us safe from what's called exiled pain. They help us survive, and so in our lives, there's going to be a fundamental question of how do we engage with these parts. That's one thing that IFS says. Another thing that IFS says, which I think these ideas are very bound up in Chassidus, is that while we all have parts, we are not our parts.

2:51 And what we are is what IFS calls the self. And in Tanya language, we would call that your nefeshalokis, which is your deepest and most truthful place within yourself. And Richard Schwartz, who was the founder of IFS, spoke about the self as having eight C's and five P's. I'm not going to go through all of them now, but when we live with compassion, clarity, courage, confidence, curiosity—those are ways of noticing that you're in self. So when you're behaving with those eight C's, or let's say the five P's—I don't remember all of them offhand—but when you have perspective, or when you're being playful, those are all symptoms of being in self. In Tanya language, we would call that when you're in a state of alignment with your deepest truth—that is, to be connected to Hashem.

3:50 In fact, a couple years ago, when I did an IFS training with Aynat Bronstein, who was like the Tommy Dambu of Richard Schwartz, so I was very curious to hear how she was going to define the word self. And she just said, "Yourself, your godly soul, that which makes you." And so it was interesting that here, Aynat, who's not an observant Jew officially, even though she's definitely a deeply connected person, she was also using this language of self and godly soul as synonymous. Who we are at our core, the self, the nefesh olkas, and there are ways of being in the world that we developed in order to survive, in order to cope, in order to manage, in order to protect ourselves, and those are called parts. When we, let's say, are operating from parts, generally what happens is that.

4:47 Our protective parts are running the system. So there's nothing wrong with having parts. The question is, are our parts self-led, or are our parts leading the self? When our protective parts are running the system, usually that sort of narrows our vision, and we get preoccupied with safety and survival. That's the domain of the nefesh avahamis. We might think that we're just being responsible, but actually, we're just terrified, and so we're operating from a place of control. What do we do with those parts? What we want to do is we want to help our parts feel understood, and we want to bring them under the leadership of the self. Once the parts are brought under the leadership of the self, the energy of the parts is transformed.

5:43 So let's say we had an anxious part, and that anxious part was obsessing and overthinking and catastrophizing. Once that anxious part is brought under the leadership of the self, what starts to happen is now the anxious part is actually just a way of helping us prepare carefully for what's coming next. Because anxiety is not good or bad. We use anxiety, for example, as a motivator to do things. The question is: Is the anxious part driving the car, or is the self driving the car and harnessing the energy of the anxious part? Another example of this would be anger. When the angry part is in the driver's seat, we use that angry part to attack other people. But when that angry part is self-led, that might become the energy that helps us set boundaries.

6:40 Or defend important things that matter. That means it'll be in a state of anger and not necessarily in a state of rage. If let's say we have an avoidant part, and that avoidant part is keeping us small in life, once that avoidant part is now self-led, then that same part might help us move slowly and carefully to make sure that we don't get overwhelmed. So you see what happens is that when our parts become self-led, the energy that once held us back actually becomes central to our avodas Hashem. It becomes central to our lives. And what I want to do is use this language today, this IFS language of self and parts, and bringing our parts to become self-led, to analyze a story in Chumash, which I think we've probably all learned before. It's the story of Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven standing on the precipice of the Yarden.

7:37 And telling Moshe Rabbeinu that they don't want to go into Eretz Yisrael, and the conversation between Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven on one hand, and Moshe Rabbeinu on the other. As we go through it, what I hope to see is that this entire story is actually when a person is called upon in their lives to move beyond the world of their protective parts and enter into a larger, more adult, more responsible life. Where we recognize that the locus of our own power is within, and there are moments in life where we're all standing on the edge of our own personal yarden, and we're about to leave an old stage, perhaps a protective stage in life. And we are almost being called upon to enter into the greater mission of our lives, the mission of living, quote unquote, in Eretz Yisrael. And at those moments, what we'll see is that sometimes our protective parts go into like.

8:36 Fight or flight mode. They become firefighters in IFS language. They become very afraid, and they don't want to cross over the Yarden because they want to remain in a life that feels safe and familiar and more controlled. So the question for us is not whether those parts exist. Every one of us has these parts. The question is in our lives: will our parts lead us away from our mission, or can we integrate those parts so that those parts will learn to cross the Yarden along with us and then become central to our avodas Hashem? So that's all by way of introduction. Again, at any point, stop and ask clarifying questions. But just to go through the story with that in mind, that the story of Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven not wanting to enter into Eretz Yisrael.

9:29 Is something that actually applies to every one of us in our own lives. Chapter thirty-two, verse one. Let me just pull this up myself over here. Hang on one second. So chapter thirty-two, verse one. The pasuk says as follows: The children of Reuven and the children of God had a tremendous amount of livestock. The Yeruas Eretz Yazer ve Eretz Gilad. So they saw this land of Yazer and this land of Gilad. VeHinei Hamakom Mikom Mikhne, and they saw, behold, this was a place for livestock. So imagine the scene: Klal Yisrael, after wandering in the desert for 40 years, is about to cross the Jordan and enter into Eretz Yisrael. So all those years of wandering in the desert are finally going to come to an end.

10:25 And the life in the midbar that they had was basically a life that was devoid of any responsibility. And life in the midbar could be compared to a child in the arms of their parent. All their food falls from Shamayim, their clothing doesn't wear out, they're surrounded by the ananei akvod, everything in the midbar is taking care of them. And what they're being called upon to do now, after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but being taken care of completely by Hashem, is they're being called upon now to enter what we'll call a life of responsibility. So they're going to have to fight for the land. They're going to have to plant. They're going to have to build the land, settle the land, and they're going to move from living with Hashem in the world of the miraculous and move into living in the natural world with Hashem. That doesn't mean leaving Hashem behind, chas v'shalom.

11:19 But it means that they're entering into a new relationship with Hashem, one where they're partners. And at that very moment, bnei Gad and bnei Reuven looked around, and what they saw wasn't just land on the other side of the Yarden, but they said this land is good for our livestock. They are tribes that already had an abundant flock, and so what they saw because they had an abundant flock is they said this is land that can actually sustain the flock. What they do is they come to Moshe Rabenu and they say.

12:09 So now they come to Moshe Rabbeinu and they say, 'If we found favor in your eyes, so let this land be given to your servants, to us as an inheritance. We want this to be our chilek, and please don't take us across the Yarden.' Now, on the surface, this is actually a request that makes a lot of sense. Staying on the other side of the Yarden, it's practical and it's responsible. What they're saying is, we have a lot of livestock. We need a place that's capable of sustaining this livestock. Let us build our homes here and not enter into Eretz Yisrael. On the surface, what this is a discussion about the future homes of Bnei Gad and Bnei Ruvim, but beneath the surface, this is something that happens in the inner life of every single person. The way perhaps that we should think about the Yardein here is that the Yardein is what we'll call, in psychological terms, a threshold, and to cross the Yardein.

13:07 Is to enter from one stage of life into another. So I'm leaving behind something, and I'm entering into a new stage. And so, really, what's happening under the surface is because in the Midbar we were so taken care of, and because in Eretz Yisrael we're now moving into becoming quote-unquote adults with real responsibility. There's a fear that's going on underneath the surface. As we're called upon in our lives to come into self, and that's what Eretz Yisrael represents here. Eretz Yisrael represents the mature adult self that we're all meant to become. On a national level, for Klal Yisrael back then, it meant moving from the midbar in Eretz Yisrael to take responsibility, to be partners with Hashem in building Eretz Yisrael. On a personal level, it means moving from being a child towards being an adult, moving from being taken care of.

14:05 To being someone with responsibility, and so what happens is that when we are called upon in our lives to come into self, what it means is we are going to stop living with somebody else organizing our life. So what we do as children, and again this is appropriate, is we sort of outsource the power that we actually have within. Because as children, we don't know that we're capable, and so what we do as children is we turn towards our parents and we say, "You be our power. You take care of us. And we'll be okay." And that's appropriate because as a child, you're not necessarily ready to discover your own locus of power. And so what parents can do for children is they can love them so much.

14:57 But what love actually does is it teaches a child that they have power within themselves. That's what the love of a child, that's what the love of a parent is meant to do for a child. And so what happens is that when I'm living as a child, I think we all go through this at different ages, different stages. Maybe it was when you started to go to sleepaway camp, that was a threshold. Maybe it's when you went to high school. Maybe it was when you went to sleepaway camp. Whatever it was, maybe when you went to Eretz Yisrael. At different points, you'll have anxious parts that will come up because now mommy and daddy are not protecting me from every danger. And I'm responsible for the weight of my own choices in my life. Now I'm being called upon to take responsibility. Now this doesn't mean that we don't depend on Hashem. Of course we are. We're always being carried by Hashem.

15:49 But I'm being asked, as an adult, to live with courage, to live with purpose, to find my own voice as a partner in creation with Hashem. And so sometimes our protective part, from a deep place of fear, might call out to us and say, 'Al tavi renu es hayarden. Please don't make me cross, make me leave my world where everything is provided for and where I'm totally protected.' Don't put me into a life where I have to have choice and agency and responsibility and building. That protective part of us that says 'Don't cross the yard,' and it's not bad. It's just afraid. Because this part is scared of what might happen if I'm asked to stand on my own two feet. How do I know that I'm actually capable? And maybe I'll fail. And so sometimes.

16:40 We ask to remain on the familiar side of the river, where life feels a little bit smaller, a little bit safer, and a little bit more controlled. I remember just as an example of this, not wanting to go to sleepaway camp, because that's how do I know that I'm going to be able to take care of myself when I'm there. And so, standing on the threshold, you might say to your parents, "I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go." And good parents say, "We're going to shepherd you across." The river, so to speak, because we want you to learn to take agency for yourself in your life. Any questions, comments, and reactions before we move on? We're all good. Are the anxious parts coming up, saying I don't want to ask questions because I don't want to look foolish? And if that's the case, that's something to keep in mind as we're journeying through this shir. Because it might sound like it's relevant right now. Reb. It's an elbow.

17:38 You said that it's not bad, but is it the part's not bad, but the consequence could be bad? That's exactly the right way of saying it. The part is not good or bad, right? But the part will have both positive and negative influence and impact, right? Choosing to stay on the other side of the Yarden, life might actually be more safe, more small, more controlled. I don't have to fight and plant and build and settle and do all the things that I'll be responsible for. In Eretz Yisrael, it's not going to be the same rigor, so to speak. It's more familiar in the Midbar on the other side of the Yarden. So that's a positive impact. The negative impact, of course, is that you're staying behind from everybody else who's moving on as an adult in their lives. And when you don't move on and become that fully embodied self, right? There's negative impact to that too. So there's always going to be positive and negative impact. But that's exactly the right way of thinking about this.

18:33 Bnei Gad and Bnei Ruven represent parts of ourselves that want to stay behind in that which is familiar. That's not good or bad; it just is. That makes sense. Where in Klum are we? What was that? Where are we in Klum? So right now we're in Bamidbar, chapter thirty-two, verse one. I think that's all we've said so far. Let's keep going now. Now that we've said that Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven represent the protective parts that are not trying to rebel against Hashem, they're just trying to preserve safety and stability and continuity. And they're afraid of what might be lost if we cross over into that unknown stage. So we understand that while the concern that Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven have is understandable. What happens is that when the protective part is sitting in the driver's seat, safety and survival become the center of our lives, and so here the Torah gives us a very interesting framing for this. Bnei Gad and Bnei Ruven have an abundance of livestock. That's what we're told about them. Wealth by and for itself is not virtuous and it's not evil. We can accumulate wealth from a deep sense of self.

19:58 And what that looks like is we have a desire to have this wealth in order to provide for our families, in order to give tzedakah, to expand our ability to serve Hashem, to pay tuition, pay for different mitzvos, etc. But wealth can also come from a deep place of scarcity and from a fear-based mentality, and that would be coming from apart. A person is capable of building and accumulating wealth because there's a part of us that might believe that if I don't have an abundance of wealth, then I'm not going to be safe. What happens is that once a person begins to experience abundance, wealth as a source of stability, it can become terrifying to live a life that's not organized around protecting my wealth.

20:49 So if somebody asks me to grow or to change and to cross into a new stage, then something inside of me, some part of me, says, 'But what's going to happen to everything I built? What's going to happen to all the abundance, to all the wealth that I have? That's sort of keeping me stable.' And the challenge here is that voice actually sounds very responsible, because it's like, 'Listen, you built all this, you amassed all this wealth.' But if you move on, you might lose something here, and so it's a very responsible voice, but sometimes the most dangerous forms of avoidance are actually the kind that sound responsible, right? Because we can actually convince ourselves pretty much of anything. So what happens is when our parts are driving, when they're in the driver's seat, when they're leading, our vision becomes very narrow.

21:41 And we see everything through the lens of the part that's taken over. So all of Klal Yisrael is on the precipice of the Yarden, but Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven—they're the ones living with the scarcity mentality. They're the ones that have the abundance of wealth because that's what gives them a sense of safety. And so, of course, it's them and not any other shevet that says, 'Vehinei hamakom makan mknah.' This is the place. For our livestock, this is where we're going to be able to sustain the abundance that we've amassed in order to stay stable in our lives, in order to stay safe, and that's really the way life works. We're sort of see what our inner world is trained to see. It's like imagine if I took you into a room and I said, I want you to tell me ten things in the room that are brown. You're going to start to point to all the things in the room that are brown.

22:35 And you're not focusing on the things that are red or orange or green, even though they're equally present in the room, because we see what we're trained to see. We see what we're looking for, and so of course it's Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven who have this scarcity mentality, and that's why they built up this abundance of livestock, because that's what gives them that sense of safety. What do they see when they look at the land? What they see is a place where they can hold on to their livestock. It's a place that's good for their livestock, and they can maintain that stability. So Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven saw something that nobody else saw. Everybody was on the other side of the yarden, but they were the only ones that saw that this was a good place for their livestock because our needs become our lens through which we see the world. They saw safety, and that's why they said we want to stay on this side.

23:31 Because the life that we had already built can remain protected on this side of the yarden, the Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven parts within us will ask to stay on the other side of the yarden. Why? Because we're afraid to leave the land of abundance that has served us in our lives. The things that we've done that helped us feel safe and that sustained us. It's very hard for us to leave those things. We all have our different versions of what wealth actually is. Wealth doesn't always mean money. There's always things that we accumulated in abundance that we have, so to speak, that we're terrified to leave that behind and move over into a new world. And this could be a lot of things. I developed the great friend system, and I'm afraid that if I get married, I'm going to lose that friend system. So I'd rather stay on this side of the yard and with my friends.

24:22 Then move over and get married, or I'm afraid to leave my home. My parents have been a great support system. What happens when I leave my home and go somewhere else? Every one of us has a version of abundance in our lives that we've amassed in order to stay safe and in order to stay protected. So Moshe Rabenu now, right? So now he's going to deal with Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven, and in our understanding and the inner understanding of these parshah of the psukim in the Torah, the way we're going to see the voice of Moshe Rabenu is the voice of the self that brings you from one side of the Yarden into Eretz Yisrael. That's the job of Moshe Rabenu. The job of Moshe Rabenu is that voice of self, because that's what Moshe Rabenu really is, if you think about it, right? Moshe Rabenu is the ultimate prophetic voice. He's the ultimate voice of truth.

25:15 He's totally nullified to Hashem. So if Hashem is the ultimate in self, so to speak, Hashem is the ultimate true I that we're all trying to align ourselves with. The voice of Moshe Rabenu is the voice of Hashem that calls upon us to become the adult in our life. What that sounds like is this: Moshe Rabbeinu, he's not going to shame Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven, because remember that if we try to shame our protective parts, that's not going to work. What will work is for us to lead those protective parts. Moshe Rabbeinu, you'll notice if you look in the pesukim, he doesn't deny that Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven have real needs. He doesn't tell them he doesn't get it, and he says, 'All you're worried about is your money.'

26:03 And he doesn't tell them that their livestock doesn't matter or that their desire for stability is meaningless, because Moshe Rabbeinu understands that these parts developed for a reason. So he's not critical of Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven. Rather, what he does is he says, chapter 32, verse six. He says, "Vayomer Mosheu of Bnei Gad of Bnei Reuven, ha'achechem yavo lemochama va'atem tishvupo." Is it your brothers are going to go to war and you're going to remain here? On a very basic reading, Moshe Abenu's first concern is practical: is Klal Yisrael going to go to war, and if a part of the nation is going to stay behind, we're not going to be able to conquer Eretz Yisrael. We need every able-bodied soldier. Then Moshe Rabbeinu in verse seven also has a psychological concern.

26:58 He says, "V'lamat taniyones leiv bnei Yisrael me'eiver el ha'aretz asher nassu lehem Hashem." And he continues, "Moshe Rabbeinu says, 'Why are you discouraging the heart of bnei Yisrael from crossing into the land that Hashem has given them?' And Moshe Rabbeinu compares them to the meraglim. He compares bnei Gad and bnei Reuven to the meraglim, and he says, 'Listen, the meraglim spread their fear through words.' But if you stay back and say we're not crossing, everybody else in Kollel Yisrael is going to start to wonder why are they staying back? What do they know? Maybe this mission is too much. Maybe we're going to fail. So we're also going to protect ourselves because we're also scared. And so the danger sometimes of a difficult mission is not always the enemy that's on the outside. Sometimes the danger of a mission is the weak heart.

27:52 Of somebody in the unit on the inside, right? Because once somebody on the inside becomes afraid, that fear starts to spread, right? And now every time we hit a road bump, it's like, see, we shouldn't be doing this. This was a mistake. Fear starts to take over the system, right? And every time a person has a setback, that just becomes evidence that we're not going to be able to win this war. And the same is true inside of ourselves. So the Tanya teaches that our life is a battle. Our life is a muhamma, and the question is, who will lead our person, right? Who's going to win, the nefesh abahamis or the nefesh lokis? And the way to think about that is, the nefesh lokis, the self, and the nefesh abahamis, the parts. In Tanya language, the goal is not for the nefesh lokis to erase the nefesh abahamis. Rather, the goal is for the nefesh lokis to be in control of the nefesh abahamis.

28:51 To lead the nefesh of the Hamas, so the parts don't become destroyed; they just become self-led. But to bring this back to our parsha, what that means is as follows: For the nefesh Elokim to be victorious, to have a complete victory, the whole person must be waging this war. So we can't enter into Eretz Yisrael, which would be we cannot become the self that we're meant to become. If we leave parts of ourselves behind, if there are parts of ourselves that remain on the other side of the yarden, parts where we're disembodied, parts that don't allow us to become a mature adult and take responsibility for our lives. If there are some parts that are still remaining in the midbar, those childhood parts that are still terrified and afraid and in need of protection.

29:43 If a part of the self refuses to cross the Yarden and come into Eretz Yisrael, then we're still divided. We can't say the nefesh alokis is victorious because there are still some parts that are not self-led. And so the message, the first message that Moshe Rabbeinu is saying to Klal Yisrael, is that if you want to enter into Eretz Yisrael, all of our parts need to become self-led. Now, of course, this is not a zero sum game. It's not like it's either all or nothing. We're all in like a constant state of this battle between the nefesh abahamis and the nefesh lochis. But our orientation, our goal, our ambition is that every single one of our parts, every aspect of our nefesh abahamis that craves survival in this world, should actually be led by the nefesh lochis. That's step one.

30:36 But then there's also the second danger, which is what we'll call the psychological danger. The same way that if there's Bnei Gad and Bnei Ruvain stay behind and protect themselves because they're afraid. That fear doesn't remain isolated. It spreads throughout the entire system, and now they're like going to be like the Miraglim. So too by us. Very often people want to grow. We want to cross over into the Yarden. We want more responsible, more adult lives. Nobody wants to be a child forever. None of us are yearning for a Peter Pan type of life. But the problem is that when we have a part of us that's afraid, and this part is very loud, and it's saying it's too dangerous to become an adult, that part doesn't just stay in its lane and say, 'I'm a part that's afraid.' It can start to create hesitancy across the entire system.

31:28 And so now other parts become enmeshed with this fearful part, and things start to get very murky. All of a sudden, every single unknown becomes a reason to stay behind, and this is Moshe Rabbeinu's concern. Moshe Rabbeinu's concern, the voice of the self is saying to Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven, if you stay where life feels safe, and we don't want to cross into the unknown, and we want to stay protected from what we've already built. So recognize, Moshe Rabbeinu was saying to these parts, recognize that if you don't join the battle, we're not going to win the war of becoming the mature embodied person that we're called upon to become, and if I the self don't lead you, the fear is going to weaken the entire system. And what's fascinating is that this works.

32:27 If you look in Bamidbar chapter thirty-two verse sixteen, Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven don't respond defensively to Moshe Rabbeinu's rebuke. Moshe Rabbeinu is saying to them, 'Don't do this.' So normally when people say, 'Don't do this,' people go, 'You don't understand. You misunderstood me.' They don't do that at all. Chapter thirty-two verse sixteen. What does it say that Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven do? Va'yigshu elav. They draw close to Moshe Rabbeinu. Because Moshe Rabenu is not attacking Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven. The more you attack a part, the more dug in the part becomes. Because the part says, 'I don't trust you. You're attacking me. I'm not safe. In fact, I need to protect you even more now because I see that you are really unsafe.' But a protective part is not trying to hurt us. The whole purpose of our protective parts is actually to protect us.

33:26 So when a part is in protective mode, what it's lacking is a broad enough perspective to see the damage that it's causing. It sees the danger and it sees the protection that it's offering, but it doesn't always see the larger picture. When the self gives space for the part to feel understood, the part begins to trust the self. And once the part trusts the self, the part becomes open to hearing. I know you're trying to protect us, but the strategy that you're employing is actually hurting us, and so you're keeping us from where we need to go. So I understand that you're very anxious because that's your way of protecting us to make sure that I'm ready for the test. Let's say you have a kid who has a test coming up and an anxious part comes up and says.

34:20 You better study. You better study, right? So it works, right? Because the kid might be studying like crazy, right? But also the kid might be crumbling under the anxiety, right? And so what we want to do is we want to help that part understand that even though it might be working to have this level of anxiety, it's hurting us very badly, and the part doesn't want to hurt us. The part wants to be self-led so that it can be integrated into the system in a very healthy way. And so what happens is that Moshe Rabbeinu, because he doesn't criticize these parts, because he helps these parts understand that what they're doing is not helpful. By staying on the other side of the Yarden, it's not going to be helpful. So they draw close to Moshe Rabbeinu. These parts want to be self-led, and in chapter in verse sixteen and seventeen, the pasuk says.

35:14 So now they say we're going to build places for our tzon, places for our sheep, and we're going to build cities for our children, and we're going to arm ourselves quickly. And we're going to lead Bnei Yisrael into battle, and so you see what happens here. That Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven they accept the voice of Moshe Rabenu and they say we will go to war. And we're going to be part of this. Not only are we going to be part of this, we're going to go first. So you see how the part starts to shift. A moment ago the part says, "Don't go with me. Don't take me across the Yarden," and now the part says, "I'm absolutely going to go into battle with you." And this is the beginning of integration.

36:05 When a protective part becomes integrated, the energy becomes redirected, and the part that once blocked me from fulfilling my mission is now what helps me lead the mission. So in the past, my anxious part was always imagining what could go wrong, but now that part, once integrated, becomes the part that helps us prepare carefully. Let's ask good questions. Let's notice important details. Let's make a plan. It's not that you have less anxiety; it's that the energy of the anxiety is different. So the same thing that a moment ago said let's not cross over into the yarday now says we can cross over into the yarday and we can even lead the way. We just need first to build these sheep holds for our sheep and cities for our children here so that everything can be protected.

37:02 So their concern for safety doesn't disappear. They still want to build the cities, they still want to build the enclosures for their livestock, but that concern no longer leaves them behind. It's what allows them to go forward. And the protective part that first resisted the mission now becomes the part that's organizing itself to be led into battle. However, if you look in Rashi here, you'll see that at this stage the integration is not yet complete. Rashi highlights the order that it says, "Gidros tzon nivne lemekneenu po va'arim letapenu." So notice that first, Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven say we're going to build enclosures for our livestock and cities for our children. And Rashi says that Moshe Rabbeinu is critical of them, and he says, "You got the order wrong. Don't be more concerned for your possessions than for your sons and daughters. Don't put your tzon before your children."

38:01 And Moshe Rabbeinu says, 'Lo kein asu ha ikar v'atafel tafel.' It's important to keep the main thing, and the secondary thing is the secondary thing. And what this means is that the process of a part becoming integrated takes time. So a person can say, 'I'm ready to go into Eretz Yisrael, and I'm going to lead the way.' But you'll notice if you look carefully that part might still be organizing itself around a life of safety. And the way that you notice that is, Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven—they're willing to fight, but when they speak, the value system still is a protective value system, because they're still more worried about the abundance of livestock than they are for their children.

38:50 And that tells us that they're still holding on to that livestock as this is what's going to keep us safe. So later on, in verse 24, Moshe Rabbeinu corrects them and he says, 'B'nulachem arum letapachem ugidjos lezonachem.' First build cities for your children and then build enclosures for your sheep. Which means that Moshe Rabbeinu is teaching them that protection definitely has a place, but protection can't be the thing that matters most. The protective part can help us plan and prepare and build safeguards, but it can't put the safety before the mission. So don't get rid of your enclosures for the sheep. You should build them, but build cities for your children first, because that's obviously the main thing. The part that wants safety, that's fine. It's allowed to want safety. That's a good thing. But that part can't be the leader.

39:44 So that's the difference between when a protective part is running the system versus a protective part is self-led. When the protective part is self-led, it will put the children first, and then it will put the need for enclosures around the livestock. The part is in the process of becoming integrated, but it's not fully there yet. Moshe Rabenu is going to continue to work with this part to help it become fully integrated. I want to highlight two aspects of what Moshe Rabenu says to the part to help it become further integrated. Moshe says to Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven, 'The land will be conquered before Hashem, and after you conquer the land, you can go back.' May ever layard, then you can go back to the other side of the Jordan River, and then listen to the words, the Yisem Nekiyim, and you will be clean before Hashem and before Klal Yisrael. What is this halacha of the Yisem Nekiyim? The halacha of the Yisem Nekiyim, Chazal say, is as follows: It's Gemara in Pesachim thirteen a. The Gemara says, imagine you have the following case: You have a Gabai Tzedaka who's collected copper coins for tzedaka. At the moment, he has nobody to give the tzedaka to.

41:08 If he holds on to the copper coins, they're going to rust. So he has to exchange the copper coins for silver coins. The halacha is that this gabei staka, he can't make the. If he has silver coins, he can't do it himself. He has to exchange the copper coins for silver coins with somebody else because even if the gabei is perfectly honest and even if he gave the totally fair amount for the copper-silver exchange rate, nevertheless, since he's a public trustee of this money and he's also a private person who's benefiting from the exchange, it creates suspicion, and people are going to start to wonder: maybe he didn't give a fair rate, maybe he's taking the tzedakah for himself. Viisem Nekiyim demands that the gabbai should exchange the copper coins for silver coins with somebody else.

41:57 Because it's his responsibility to create trust. This distinction for us in our work is very important. Because when we have a fearful part inside of us, sometimes what happens is that we feel for that fearful part, it's actually a people pleaser. So the way it behaves in the world is it says, 'How can I make sure nobody criticizes me?' It acts from, and it's like, no, I'm a nucky. I make sure that I'm above reproach, but actually, what you are is just terrified that somebody will be critical of you, so you're actually just a people pleaser. That's a really important part of being in fear. I'm looking for safety through having the approval of others, but when a person is self led.

42:51 It on the outside might look the same in action, but it's very different on the inside. A self-led person asks the following question: He says, 'Am I acting in a way that protects trust? Meaning, I'm not afraid, but I'm taking appropriate responsibility. So the part lives in an anxious dependence on other people's opinion. But when the self, when the nefesh lo kis is in charge, it does care about what other people think, but not because it needs your approval, but because I care about the relational field that I create. So a self-led person doesn't just go, 'That's their problem. I don't care what other people think.' No, a self-led person says, 'If I can easily prevent any confusion, I should do so. Not because I'm afraid, but because I respect people.' And so what we see here is the pasuk says two things.

43:49 The is and the kiem me Hashem u me Yisrael. So there's two lessons here. Before Hashem, I have to be naki. That means internally, I'm not deceiving myself. I'm not allowing my protective parts to secretly run my system while pretending to be the voice of self. The is and the kiem means I am from a self-led place, connecting to Hashem. I could be even anxious about my Judaism and serving Hashem when I'm not really serving Hashem. Because it only appears to be serving Hashem if it's coming from the nefesh avahamis. It might look on the outside like I'm serving Hashem, but really it's just fear, like I'm serving Hashem because I'm so afraid. That's not serving Hashem. That's serving yourself. That's living in survival mode. So v'isem nakiyemay Hashem means when I'm self-led, when my nefesh alokis is in the driver's seat, that's when I'm deeply connected to Hashem.

44:44 But not only that, the Yissem the Kiyamay Hashem Ume Yisrael. It's not enough just to be connected to Hashem, but also before Klal Yisrael, externally, I'm not creating situations where other people are forced to wonder what's really going on. My behavior, from a deep place of self, communicates trustworthiness. So Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven may have felt internally very clean. They may have said to themselves, "We're not abandoning Eretz Yisrael. We just have a need for our livestock, so we're staying on the other side of the river." But Moshe Rabenu says, "No, that's not good, because you're responsible for the story that your actions create. And if you remain on the other side of the Yarden while your brothers go to war, the story is a story of abandonment. So even if it's not what you meant, that is what your behavior communicates." So Moshe Rabenu tells them, "Part of being in self."

45:39 Is making your loyalty visible, and then you will be veisem nakiem not only ma'ashim, but also mi'bnei yisrael. So that's one important lesson that Moshe Rabenu says to the nefesh habahamis. That's one important lesson that the voice of self says to our parts in order to help them become integrated. One more thing that Moshe Rabenu says over here, chapter thirty two, verse twenty three, the imlo tasunkein. If you don't do so, meaning if you don't fight this war with Klal Yisrael, you will have sinned against Hashem, and your sin is going to find you. On a simple level, what's Moshe Rabenu saying? Moshe Rabenu is warning them. He says, "Listen, if you don't keep your promise, your sin is eventually going to catch up to you."

46:33 But in the way we're understanding this, the way we should be thinking about this, perhaps, is that in the inner life of a person, we have to understand that when we avoid something, it doesn't disappear. When we're losing IFS language, so a protective part. When we ignore it, it doesn't mean that it's not protecting you. It protects you, but often from the shadows. So you're still looking for danger. You're still trying to prevent any exiled pain from coming up. Your life is still organized around the old fear, even though you might think you've moved on. You really have to do the work. Because one way or another, even if a person says, 'Listen, I entered into a new stage in life.'

47:20 But if that part of you never crossed the yarden, if it's still standing on the other side and it's still screaming out, 'Life is not safe. Stay close to what you control.' That avoided yarden will keep reappearing in your life because the protector was never integrated. So that part was never helped to trust the leadership of the self. So this is what Moshe Rabbeinu was saying. Your sin will find you. That it doesn't just mean like the action; it's the inner arrangement of your life. When a person builds his life around avoiding responsibility, that part that avoids becomes a part of the architecture of yourself. Bnei Gad and bnei Reuven, if you stay on the other side of the river because you're afraid to cross, you should know that decision will live inside of you. You may succeed in being safe and you may succeed in feeling protected.

48:13 And you can build your cities, and you can arrange your life around everything that's familiar. But eventually, that escape is going to find you. And the uncrossed Yarden in our lives—it doesn't disappear. It keeps coming over and over again until it's integrated. Rabbi, it's an album. You had a question. Would you have to go back, like over the Yarden, to work on it, or can you work on it from Israel? The work is to bring Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven into Eretz Yisrael, and then, as we'll see, they don't need to live in Eretz Yisrael. That's we're going to get because ultimately Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven do stay on the other side of the Yarden, but as we'll see, only once they reach a state of integration, which we'll explain. You're right on target. It's an excellent question. An interesting thing now, if you look at Bamidbar chapter thirty-two, verse twenty-five.

49:07 So the pasuk says, 'Va'yomer b'nei Gadu v'nei Ruvain al Moshe lemor, avodecha yasu kasher Adoni metzave.' So the children of God and the children of Ruvain said to Moshe, saying, 'Your servants will do as my master commands.' And Rashi here points out, it says, 'Va'yomer' in the singular. So Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven didn't speak in the plural. They spoke in the singular. And as I see, Yona's already getting. What does it mean they spoke in the singular? When we live from a place of parts, what happens? We have so many voices inside of us. You ever have that feeling that you have like a million different voices pulling you in a million different directions? When you're self-led, it's all one voice. It doesn't mean that there aren't multiple voices inside of you.

49:57 But because they're all organized under the voice of the self. So at the outset of our journey, when your system is divided up into a lot of parts, there's a lot of voices. But once our parts are integrated, there's still many parts, but there's only one voice because that's the voice of self. And now you'll notice if you look in the pasuk, the new order. What do they say in verse 26? Tapenu, nashenu, meknenu, v'chol b'hemtenu, iesham ba'arei gilad. So now, benegadam, beneiruven say our children, our wives, and then our livestock and all of our animals will remain there in the city of Gilad. In other words, beforehand, if you recall, what came first? Beforehand, their livestock came first because that's what provided them with safety, and their values came second. That was their children. But now you see, once the part becomes integrated, everything is self-led. It's all under one voice.

50:53 Now the main thing is the main thing. The children, the wives come first, and only afterwards the abundance. So it's fascinating to see what happens when our parts become properly aligned. And then finally, in verse twenty-seven, it says, "Va'avadecha yavru kol chalutzava l'fnei Hashem la'mochama." And your servants will cross over all who are armed for battle before Hashem. They'll go to war. So earlier they said we're going to go to war for Bnei Yisrael. But now it says we're going to go to war before Hashem, and this is the movement of the whole parsha. At first, the parts are protecting their possessions. Then they accept responsibility for their brothers, and when the parts are fully integrated, it stands before Hashem. Our parts are aligned with the deepest truth in this world, and at this final stage. That's the highest level of integration. So now, what's left? What's left is to understand.

51:50 So what does it mean that Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven are allowed to live outside of Eretz Yisrael? If you look at verses 29 and 30, Moshe Rabbeinu says, if Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven cross the Yarden and they fight for Klal Yisrael and the land is conquered, then give them the land of Gilad as an inheritance. But he tells Yeshua, if they don't cross over armed to fight with you, then they don't get to live outside of Eretz Yisrael. Then they must live in Eretz Yisrael and they have to live in the land of Canaan. This is very difficult to understand. Why are they allowed to remain outside of Eretz Yisrael if they fight for Klal Yisrael? And if they refuse to do so, why must they live in Eretz Yisrael? So this perhaps is what Moshe Rabbeinu is saying. If staying on the other side of the Yarden is avoidance, that cannot be your inheritance. At some point in your life.

52:44 You have to be willing to integrate that part. Everybody is allowed to have their own unique path. Not everyone builds in the same place, but nobody in the end is going to benefit if we build our lives around unintegrated fear. If the protector is integrated, then it can keep its role. If you have a desire for safety and that's brought under the leadership of the nefeshalokis. And that safety part is part of serving the mission. Then even the land outside of the yarden, on the other side of the yarden, can become your inheritance. Because at that point, you're no longer outside of yourself. You're expansive enough that even that land that's on the other side of the yarden, it's a part of your life. It's integrated and incorporated because you're managing that fear. But if the protector refuses to cross

53:38 If the person says no, my chilek is on the other side of the yarden, and that's their way of avoiding dealing with this part. So then that part ultimately can't be blessed. It has to be brought into the main body of Klal Yisrael. It has to be brought into Eretz Yisrael. It must cross over because at some point in our lives we have to face the pain that we're avoiding. And that's the final lesson. The final lesson of Moshe Rabbeinu here is: We all have protective parts. Those parts need that safety, stability, and structure. The question is: Are those needs serving our mission, or are they replacing our mission? So Moshe Rabbeinu says, "I'm not taking away your livestock. I'm not taking away your land. But the desire for safety has to be integrated into the larger mission." And so, what we've learned from these sukkim, which I think is an amazing teaching.

54:33 At first, Bnei Gad and Bnei Ruven see the other side of the Yarden as that is where my livestock and my abundance will be protected. Where everyone else just sees land, they see that's where our protection is. Those parts are not bad, they're not evil, they're just afraid. We see a place that can protect what we've built, and something inside of them says, 'Don't cross the Yarden.' Moshe Rabenu doesn't critique them, he doesn't attack them, he doesn't try to destroy the desire for safety. He doesn't tell them your wealth is meaningless. He doesn't tell them your need for safety is inappropriate. He teaches them that safety cannot become the center of your life. Protection has a role, but it can't be what's driving your life. The main thing has to remain the main thing. Put the values ahead of the safety. Safety can be there, but we have to lead value-driven lives, not lives that just protect us from the possibility of being hurt.

55:30 So this is why ultimately Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven must cross over into Eretz Yisrael. They have to show that their desire to remain on the other side of the Yarden is not abandoning Klal Yisrael. They have to make their loyalty visible. They have to be the Yisem Nakiem Lefnei Hashem and Lefnei Yisrael. Internally, their motives have to be aligned with Hashem, and externally, their actions have to communicate responsibility. Only then can they find their inheritance on the other side of the Yarden? And this is the avodah of becoming whole. We don't enter our mission to serve Hashem by cutting off parts of ourselves that are afraid. That's like a very childish thing to do. I'm going to serve Hashem. I'm going to cut off parts of myself. We enter into a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu by bringing our parts with us: the anxiety, the control, the avoidant.

56:23 Anything that wants safety and predictability has to learn how to trust the leadership of the nefesh l'kis. We're not asking our parts to disappear. We're only asking them to become self-led. And once they're self-led, their energy is redirected towards the mission of actually participating in a healthy life. So we have a need for stability, structure, and protection. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Our job is to integrate those needs so that they can serve the larger purposes of our lives, and this is what Moshe Rabbeinu is teaching Bnei Gad and Bnei Reuven. Moshe Rabbeinu is saying to them, "You can stay on the other side of the Yarden. You can return to your livestock and your cities and your land, but only after you've shown that safety is not replacing the mission of entering into Eretz Yisrael. Cross the Yarden, fight for your brothers, and then return and build." Once the protective parts cross over, the very place that once represented fear now becomes part of our avodah to Hashem. The other side of the yarden is no longer an escape that can be a person's rightful inheritance.