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This week's question is a great one. How do you balance running around, helping others, and being strong for others, while also taking care of yourself and your needs, either spiritual, emotional, or physical? When is it okay to be selfish? Well, the short answer is that it's never okay to be selfish. We're commanded to imitate God. Mahu racham, afata racham. Just like God is merciful, we're commanded to be merciful. Well, to be a God means to be a creator. Creation was the ultimate act of giving. Olam chesed yibaneh. So we are created to give. That's what it means to imitate God. And giving is the opposite of selfishness. So a person can never be selfish. but what the challenge is is to make sure that we're not conflating selfishness and self-care self-care is not selfish, self-care is rejuvenating self-care is renewal, and that's actually what allows us to come back and give to others, so the famous martial is that when a person is flying on an airplane.
and you have to watch those videos before you take off the video always says put the oxygen mask on yourself first, so that you'll be able to help another but if you help another first you may not be able to help yourself, Sometimes people go so overboard in taking care of others without taking care of themselves that they engage in self-harm. If you never rejuvenate, how are you going to make the time and the space within yourself to really give to another? And then you poison the well. Because if you're doing for another and you're not taking care of yourself, then you're going to be resentful. And the resentment ultimately comes out and spills onto the person that you're giving to. And now the receiver feels that resentment, and that's deeply uncomfortable. And now you have a machlokas. Because what you've given is resentment, what they've received is resentment, and now they're frustrated with you. So they'll tell you, I'm frustrated with you. How could you be frustrated with me? Don't I do so much for you? This is what often happens with parents and children.
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Children can sense the resentment that their parents have because they haven't engaged in enough self-care in order to actually give. And they say, I know you do so much for me, but you're missing. Parents, of course, always come back with, don't you know how much I do for you? And of course, both are true, but it's important to engage in self-care so that you're actually giving yourself to another. And that's actually what Hakadosh Baruch Hu did. When God blew himself into us, bestowing upon us the divine spark of divinity, he gave us him. And any act of giving is always going to be giving yourself to another. And that's why it's so important to engage in self-care. Now, what does self-care look like? Self-care is different for every person. For some, self-care is just taking it down to zero and relaxing. For some, self-care is doing the activities that make them feel fulfilled. But the real challenge is to make the space for yourself. Because the initial reaction might be, I am not worthy of taking time for myself.
because I have to give so much to others. And paradoxically, if you do that, you're not going to be able to give to others. I'm always struck by the stories of the Lubavitcher Rebbe's dedication. The Lubavitcher Rebbe, it's well known, never took a day of vacation. He often stood for hours on end, even without a bathroom break, giving out dollars on Sundays. He had the second most mail in the entire United States of America. The only person that got more mail than him was the President of the United States. And it is said that the Lubavitcher Rebbe opened every letter. Well, how did he have the space for that in his life? The answer is that the more in sync you are with yourself, the more capacity you have to give to another. So I imagine that for the Rebbe, when he was davening, when he was learning, those were acts that renewed and reinvigorated him, that allowed him to then interface with the thousands upon thousands of people that wanted his attention. There's a story about Rishayla of Kerestir.
Rishayla of Kerestir was on one Friday afternoon, giving out rolls for Shabbos, giving out challah rolls for Shabbos. And I forget the name of the tzaddik that was watching him, but one of the big tzaddikim was watching Rishayla give out these bol kalach, and he's reaching into the bag and he's giving them to people. And somebody asked the tzaddik, Rabbi, what are you watching? What are you watching Rishayla give out these bol kalach? So the rabbi answered, I've been watching Rishayla give out these bol kalach for hours now. And one thing I know for sure, there are no more bol kalach left in that bag. And I don't know where Rishayla is pulling them out from. I think the point of the story is not so much the miracle that Rishayla reached into a bag that didn't have any rolls and he was able to pull out the rolls. I don't think that's the miracle. I think the miracle is that there was a person in this world who even when he had nothing left, he found a way to give. And I think that the only way to be able to do that is if you continue to invest in yourself, then what happens is you'll reach a point in your life.
where you say, I just can't do it anymore, and then you'll find new dimensions of self. So to sum up, the act of giving is paramount. We never have a resource to be selfish. Self-care and selfishness are not the same thing. Self-care means rejuvenation, renewal, things that allow us to interface and give to the rest of the world. What are those activities? Those activities are whatever are rejuvenating and renewing to you. But ultimately, when you invest those things in yourself, you're going to find new dimensions of self. that even when you think you're out of gas, you'll find there's a whole other backup tank that you never even knew about.
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