Vayechi - Putting Someone Else's Needs Before Our Own

2:51 And bury him in Machpelah in Chevron. And he senses some resentment in Yosef Atzadik's heart As if to say You want me to take you all the way from Mitzrayim to Eretz Yisrael to bury you in Keverach, to bury you in Maras Machpelah. Where's my mother buried? How come you didn't bury my mother in Maras Machpelah? This is what Yaakov Avinu is picking up on Almost as if Yaakov Avinu is sensing that Yosef HaTzaddik won't fulfill his dying wishes. That even though Yosef, even though Yaakov is telling Yosef how important it is for him to be married in Maras Machpelah, Yosef will have certain hesitancies because of the resentment that he holds in his heart And maybe he won't fulfill his father's dying wish. Therefore, Yaakov Avinu explains to Yosef, 'I know that you have belibcha alai. I know that you have something in your heart against me. I know that you have some things in your heart against me. I know that you bear some resentment.' But you know, it's only a small part of the story. Okay, but you should know that it's only Alpi Adiber. It's only because our Kadosh Baruch Hu wants her to be buried there on the side of the road, so that when the people of Israel will go out of Eretz Yisrael and into Galus, Rachel mavaka al baneh, Rachel will cry for her children, and that will bring our ultimate salvation.

4:05 There, however, are three questions on this, which is really one question: three very obvious questions. Number one: Who is the most beloved child of Yaakov? Yosef We know that Yosef is the most beloved child of Yaakov. We know that this caused Yosef to be hated by his brothers, because the shvatim sensed how much Yaakov Avinu loved Yosef. If you have a parent who loves you so much, and your parent says, "Could you do something for me?" What's the natural response of any child? Of course. If you know that your mother loves you, and you're so committed to doing what your mother loves. Like, I'm not sure. Okay, let's try again. If you know that your mother loves you, and you're committed to the relationship, because it's a relationship, then of course your answer is going to be yes. So what's the pshat then, that Yaakov Avinu is nervous on some level that Yosef HaTzaddik won't listen to his instructions? After all, this is the special relationship. This is the relationship that's been pushed above all the other relationships. That's the first question.

5:12 The second question is: There's a halacha. Your girls know. That mid the oraisa girls, you could come in. There's still room. You could come in. It's not good to have people sitting outside. You could come in. If we don't come in, they're going to make us move to the chadar ocha anyway. So you may as well move in. This halacha, it's actually a d'oraisa according to the Rambam That a person has to have kavod arav. You have to have honor for your rebayim. You're really supposed to honor any rebbe, but certainly show kavod for your rebbe. Yosef HaTzaddik is not just the child of Yaakov Avinu. Yosef HaTzaddik is his Talmud. Where do we see that Yosef is the Talmud of Yaakov Avinu? So it's all the way in the very beginning. Yosef loves Yaakov. Yaakov loves Yosef rather because he ben zekunim hulo Because he is the ben zekunim. What does ben zekunim mean?

6:08 So Uncleus explains that Yaakov Avinu taught Yosef HaTzaddik all the Torah that he knew from Yeshiva Shem Veiver. So what does that mean? It means that Yosef HaTzaddik. He's the child, and he knows that his father loves him. But he also has alacha of Kavod Rav. This is his Rebbe. It's not just his father. It's his Rebbe. If your Rebbe asks you to do something, what's the alacha? You have an opportunity to be mechabit your Rebbe. Of course, you have to do it. So now we have an even bigger question. Not only will Yosef do it because he loves his father, because his father loves him more than any other child. But halachically, he's even obligated to honor his father, to honor his rebbe. Because not only the halachas of kibud av, but kibud kavod rav. And not only that, there's a third question. It's all the same question.

6:59 Girls, do you know there's a halacha that we have an obligation to be m'kayim Somebody to be m'kayim the dying wishes of somebody who's dying. Somebody who's dying, they have their last wishes. It's halacha that you have to do the dying wishes of someone. It's Gemara in Yuma. It's brought down in Shulchan Aruch. How could Yosef HaTzaddik have not followed the Halacha? We know what the Chazal say. Chazal say that all of the Avos kept the entire Torah. It's actually not true. The Gemara says that the Avos kept the entire Torah. The Rama says it was only Avraham Avinu. The Ramban says it was only in Eretz Yisrael. So maybe you'll say this was in Mitzrayim. So Yaakov Avinu didn't have. That on his side, so to speak, he didn't have the halachic position on his side because Yosef is not one of the Yosef is not Avram Avinu And it's in Mitzrayim. We know that Rashi says that Yaakov Avinu kept all six hundred and thirteen mitzvot of the Torah in the house of Lavan, which means that what does Rashi say? That Yaakov Avinu kept the entire Torah outside of Eretz Yisrael.

8:00 So obviously, Yaakov had three great reasons to believe that Yosef HaTzaddik would fulfill his dying wishes. Reason number one: He's the child who's more loved than anyone else. He has a halacha of kibud av. Number two: This is not only his father; this is his rebbe. There is a halacha of kavod av. Number three: These are Yaakov Avinu's dying wishes. The halacha is that you have to be mekayim as varv ames. Somebody who's about to die. You have to fulfill his dying wishes. So why in the world is Yaakov Avinu concerned that Yosef HaTzaddik won't bury him in Hevron in Maros Amachpelah? How could such a thing be impossible? With those questions, I want to hit pause for a moment And I want to talk to you about a topic that is exceptionally important. This topic is the topic that when I heard it from my Rebbe My Rebbe said, "If you listen to this shir very carefully, it might one day save your marriage."

9:05 There's something called being mevater. Being mevater is a very misunderstood concept. Sometimes words don't have good translations. So we tend to think of being mevater as giving in. That's what we think. Your parents taught you to be mevater. It's not worth fighting about. You ever hear that from your parents? Don't fight with your sister. It's not worth fighting about. Just stop fighting. Be a father, give in. But the truth of the matter is that number one, that's not the definition of vatrinos. That's not what it means. And number two, that's very not helpful. Because why do people stop fighting over something? People stop fighting over something not because they care about the person, but because it's not worth fighting about. So they say something like this. Honestly, I'm just worn down. You ever have something like this where you're fighting with someone, you're fighting with a roommate, and about the temperature in your room And now they what's called, and at some point you've been fighting about it. It's already almost January, and you're like, I'm not even going to talk about it anymore because every time I talk about it, we get into a fight, and honestly, it's just not worth it.

10:23 What's left at the end of that not fighting? What's left is resentment. The relationship when you don't fight in a relationship, that means the relationship is withering away. It's not because you're not being a good listener, but it's just that. It's not because you care so deeply about the other person. In this case, it's because it's just not worth the aggravation, the agmas nefesh, the pain that I'm going to cause, and frankly, the pain that I'm going to go through by fighting. So don't say anything. But you know what happens when you stop talking? When you stop talking, it starts off as a little bit of stop talking, and then it goes a little bit more and a little bit more. And within even sometimes a very short amount of time, two people can become perfect strangers. Two people who live together and two people who even loved each other At some point they can move to their separate corners in their homes and have nothing to do with each other. They are not interacting. Why? Because somebody told them just give in.

11:18 Who cares? Just give in. And sometimes these stories are told wrongly. Even though the stories themselves are very beautiful, they're very often misunderstood. About big tzaddikim who just gave in, I'll give you the classic example of this. This wrong. This not what really happened, but this the way they tell the story. They tell the story about Rav Aryeh Leven. Right, they have a book, Rav Aryeh Leven's book, the tzaddik in our times, tzaddik of Jerusalem. Yeah, Rav Aryeh Leven was very poor. And there was a minute to give. There is a minute. I hope your husbands will do it for you. There's a minute to give your wife a gift in the yichud room, and you get married. So people get different things. Some people get pearls. People have different kinds of things. There's like a lot of lists of things that you're supposed to buy for each other. Today, Baruch Hashem, we figured out more and more ways of doing things. So by the time you finish, he has a chasson watch and a chasson shas and a chasson palace, and a and alavai should be a good chasson. But we have all these different types of gifts that we give, and the girls are bedecked out in every single thing. So there's a minute to give a beautiful minute to give a gift in the form of a gift in the yichud room.

12:25 Rabbi Levine didn't have any money to give his wife a gift. So they tell the story that he said to his wife, "I'll tell you what." Let's make a deal. Since I don't have the money to be able to give you a gift Every time we're going to have a fight, I'll just give in and you'll win. And they tell this story as if it's a beautiful thing. I promise you that's not what happened. I'll explain to you what did happen later. But I promise you that's not what happened. If you have a question, just ask me. Do you think that's going to result in a healthy marriage? No. I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen. You're going to go to your corner and you're going to hold this resentment in your heart. It's going to start to build up and it's going to slowly build up. You know that poison box that everybody has inside of them. It's like a little box. It sits right here, and it's where you put all the things that you don't want to think about, all the pain, all the aggravation. All the frustration, all the sadness, all the hopelessness, and you shove it into that box and you close it real tight.

13:21 The problem with that box is it's not capable of holding everything in. That's the box where we put our resentment. There's an amazing line about resentment. Listen to this line if you haven't already heard it. It's a beautiful line. Resentment is like drinking poison water and hoping the other person dies. When you feel resentful towards somebody, what's that person feeling? Nothing. They're not even thinking about you. But you are the one holding on to resentment. I just had the opportunity to speak to a Talmud last week when I was in Israel. He told me that from ten years ago He's still holding on to the pain that somebody caused him from ten years ago. I promise you. In the last ten years, this person hasn't thought of him.

14:03 But he's living from this pain, and he's drinking this pain, and it makes him feel good. Right? Yeah, when you're resentful, you're powerful, right? And he's drinking, and he hasn't said anything about this person for ten years. So I said to him, maybe you could think about confronting this problem. Maybe you could think about talking to them. The halacha is that you can't hate someone in your heart, and you know, you have to let go of all this resentment, and the resentment is killing you. And we give a lot of people who are going through similar situations. And I think it's important to note that giving in is not necessarily a good thing. You have to know where giving in comes from. If you're giving in to weakness, it means you're not strong enough to handle the situation. There is, however, something called being mavater, and being mavater has nothing to do with giving in. If giving in comes from a place of weakness, then being mavater comes from a place of strength. I want to explain to you what being mavaters.

14:53 Somebody comes into the dorm. They come into your room They turn up the thermostat. You like the way it is. Did they ask for your permission? They didn't ask for your permission. Were you fine? You were fine. Are you too hot now? You're too hot now. But you choose not to say anything, not because it like not again. You could say something. You could But she probably won't hear it. So you choose not to say anything, not because you're giving in. But because the relationship to you is more important than the temperature in the room It's it's it's the strongest thing in the world to be able to say, this doesn't matter nearly as much to me as you do. Do you know that couples will sit there for decades holding on to resentment sometimes? For decades, couples are feeding that resentment and moving away from each other. That's why sometimes if you have a fight with your husband, this is what it sounds like.

15:56 You say to your husband, "You're like, you're never home And he says back to you, 'I'm supporting this family.' And she's like, "Well, this family needs your presence, not just your money" "Right?" He goes back and forth, and then five rounds later, she goes, "And you never liked my mother. How in the world How in the world did you get to your mother? You know what the answer is. Because the entire time she was holding on to that time That he said something nasty about her mother, she's been holding on to it for how long? Six months? A year? Five years? Ten years? I heard once a rabbi tell a story about a time when he was talking to a congregant, and the congregant was having a hard marriage. So he said, "Why don't you and your wife come in?" " And the wife comes in, and he says, "Okay, how can I help you?" So the husband says, "I don't know what this woman wants from me." I don't know what she wants from me So the wife says, "I'll tell you what I want from you."

16:54 I want you to treat my sister nicely. So the husband looks back at the rabbi and goes, 'See, she won't tell me what she wants.' The rabbi said, 'She just told you what she wants. She wants you to treat her sister nicely.' The husband rolls his eyes and says, 'Trust me, that's not what she wants. Her sister's an idiot. She doesn't care about her sister either.' It's like no. She's holding on to the pain of that thing that you keep saying her sister's an idiot. You're not allowed to speak that way about her. And instead of expressing this pain, people hold on to it, and the resentment builds up and builds up. But you know, sometimes, sometimes in a relationship, and this will save your marriage one day. You could take a loss. And you could say it doesn't really matter to me. I could just take off my sweater. It could be five degrees hotter in the house because that's the way he likes it, or five degrees cooler. I'll put on a sweater. It's not worth it. Not if answering a specific question. Every time we have a fight, that means you've made an emotional withdrawal from your relationship bank account.

18:08 There's nothing wrong with making withdrawals, but you have to be careful. Every time you say no to someone, you're making a withdrawal. It's an important lesson in parenting. In parenting, we try our best to say yes as often as possible because whenever we say no, it's a withdrawal from the emotional bank account. So we do our best to say yes. Sometimes, as a wife, you don't have to do everything the husband wants, but sometimes it's hard. But sometimes—and that's not the case. So I think people think Ezei Ishik Sheira means I do whatever my husband wants. That's not what that means. Sometimes we could say yes, though, even though we don't want to do it, because we're big enough to put somebody else's needs before our own. And you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say, but I have this rant on my heart, and I don't want to hold any resentment. It's not true. It has nothing to do with that, but I have this rant on my heart. I think it's important to talk about.

18:57 Girls, you're growing up in a generation that talks about self-care, but we need to talk about the care for others. Everywhere I go, I hear about self-care. I'm the biggest fan of self-care. Take time to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Taking care of others is the single most important thing you're going to do in your life. That's what it means to be a human being. You're here in this world to give to somebody else. That's our job in this world. Our job is to give to others. Every single talent that you have in this world is not for you. Every single talent you have in this world is used to serve another, to serve God, to serve your family, but not yourself. People talk about this year. Your year in seminary is your year to be selfish. There is nothing more abhorrent in the world.

19:50 This might be your year to be inwardly focused on the self. This might be your year to really think about who you are. It might even be your year to say no to certain opportunities so you can say yes to others. But these words,"This is your year to be selfish. Need to be excoriated," Need to be removed from our vocabulary. They're wrong and they're dangerous, because it makes Yiddishkeit into this selfish pursuit. The Gemara says, 'Einivresi el l'shamis eskoni.' I was created in order to serve my master, in order to serve Hashem. To be a Jew means to be at the service of somebody larger than yourself. But it's a selfish thing that we're teaching people today. No. Self care. For to what end? Why it's I need to go out and have my you know my set my kale salad and I need to have my giant coffee in that cafe on Central Avenue and I need to have the enormous smoothie that's like you know made of every exotic fruit in the world and it's forty dollars for a brunch all in the name of self care. Who's taking care of your children now? You know I have the girl that takes care of my kids.

21:02 I have the girl. She's taking care of my kids now because it's self care. Maybe it is self care. But how many guys have told me over the years? I'm bilingual. And it's not English and Hebrew. It's English and the language that their maid raised them on. Because who was home? Who was taking care of the kids? Not because the parents were running around working. The mother was around in these cases. Obviously, if you need someone to take care of your kids because you're working, that makes sense. But there are people that just constantly talk about self care. Not because they're actually taking care of themselves to give to another, but because it's become this selfish type of dialogue, and it's very dangerous. Being a nevator means I can put somebody's needs ahead of myself. Do you know how healthy it is to raise children that you were created to be in service of another?

21:53 Do you know why Klal Yisrael has the institutions that we have? Name a problem. Name any problem that you have. And I'll tell you which Jewish organization you can go to get not only free help, but very often to get massive amounts of money to help you out. Somebody died. We'll take care of you. We have all the burial services that you need. We have all the shiva things that you'll need, and it's taken care of, brought to your door. Somebody got cancer, Chai Lifeline. Somebody got Down syndrome, Hask. Name a problem. I'll tell you the Jewish service that we have. You broke down on the side of the road, Chavirim. You have every single thing that you could possibly need. You don't have food for Shabbos. Tom chesh Shabbos. Seriously, when's the last time you found someone in the Jewish community that had a baby that didn't have a meal train?

22:43 Somebody passes away in the Jewish community, and I think it's a good idea to have life insurance. Obviously, you should get life insurance, but let's say some people don't have it. Maybe for whatever reason, maybe they can't afford it. How long will it take our community to raise a million dollars? It's an instant. We could raise a million dollars in twelve hours. We could raise a million dollars in six hours. We could make sure that your tuition is covered for all of your family for the rest of their lives. We could give you enough money to live off the interest, and we do. Why? Because at the bedrock of yiddishkeit, at the very foundation of yiddishkeit, is a simple principle: be mavater. It doesn't mean to give in. Being mavater means I'm able to put the needs of somebody else ahead of my own. I think there was just a fundraiser for Amudim.

23:31 So this fundraiser So I think they raised close to five million dollars in twenty four hours. Why do people take their hard earned money and just give it to an organization? Why does he do that? You know what the answer is? You're trained that way Because you're not trained to have self care as your first words. Self care is your second words. You're trained to give to another, to put the needs of another before yourself. If a girl says, "I know that Hashem wants this from me, but I don't want to do it" It's understandable. I also don't want to do what Hashem wants sometimes. But doing what Hashem wants, putting Hashem's needs before your own, is a healthy way of being. It means that I serve something larger than myself. Do you know what it means to be an addict? To be an addict means that you live with the consciousness of ego. You are at the center of the universe. Do you know what the Twelve Steps make you do?

24:25 The Twelve Steps makes you live in the service of something higher than yourself. Everything in the Twelve Steps is about the recognition of a higher power. Step Twelve: to be in service of another, to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous elsewhere. Step Eleven: prayer. Everything is about serving something that's greater than yourself. Steps Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten, or Eight, Nine, and Ten really, are about apologizing to somebody else. It's recognizing that we are not at the center of the world. That's what it means to be a mavater. I want to tell you one of my favorite stories, a story of Moshe Feinstein. Rav Moshe Feinstein had a critic. In Rav Moshe Feinstein's zechus adklavrocha was the gadol ador. He had a very big critic, somebody who publicly vilified him. And this person, of all people, came to Rav Moshe Feinstein and said "Will you please write a haskama for me? Will you please write a letter of approbation?" And Rav Moshe immediately sat down and he wrote a glowing letter of recommendation for this person. And one of Rav Moshe's grandchildren was present in the room.

25:22 And he said to Reb Moshe, Rebbe, Zady, Adkan, you have to go to these lengths to write such a letter of approbation for such a person who attacked you publicly, and Reb Moshe, without even batting an eye, said, What do you mean? Yom Kippur has passed since then. He probably did tshuva. You know what that means, girls? There are some people, like the Gemara in Rashi Shana says, there are some people that are mavir al midosav. You know what Rashi says mavir al midosav means? It means they're not keeping score. How many of us are there in the room? The answer is probably all of us, and I include myself in that. How many of us are keeping score? How many of us are holding on to things because it's like you hurt me, and I'm holding on to that pain. We don't know how to put something higher than ourselves. I do it. I'm not going to lie to you. I do it. There are times that somebody comes to me and asks me for something, and in my heart, I'm like Oh, I got you right where I want you now Because you didn't do that for me back then. And now maybe I'm going to make up an excuse to not do it for you right now. You don't think that comes up in my heart? I'm a human being.

26:23 To be mavir al midosav means to be mavater. It means I'm not feeling slighted. I'm not walking around constantly checking my emotional temperature and going, 'How do I feel about such a person?' Who does this? Hakadosh Baruch Hu does this. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the ultimate mavater. You know what the Gemara says? The Gemara says that in Shmona Esrei we call Hashem a Gibeur. Why do we call Hashem strong? What's He so strong about? The Gemara says He's strong enough not to hold it against us when we sin against Him. Think about our relationship with God. How often do we sin against God? How often? The answer is probably I don't know, often enough, all the time. But our Kadosh Baruch Hu is a Gibr. He's not sitting there taking His emotional temperature, going you sinned against Me Because strong people are not holding on to resentment. They care about relationships and people. They're not paying attention to every tiny bit of pain that was caused to them.

27:23 And we are called upon to act like Hakadosh Baruch Hu To be mivatrin To put somebody else's needs before our own, to not hold on to every little slight that's against us. Girls, you could be right or you could be happy. Take a moment right now in your marriage. What would you rather be? You'd rather be happy. My wife has a great line. She told this to me when we were dating. She goes, we could argue and you could win, but then you'll be married to a loser. We. We could fight And you could win But then you'll be married to a loser. It's a great line because that's true. If you win in your marriage, you lost. If you're in a power struggle with your husband and you're in a fight and you win, you lost. So what? You beat your husband. Congratulations. What do you think is on the other end of that win?

28:20 So congrats. You get to say I was right, and he apologized because he saw how wrong he was. Now what? What do you think he is emotionally in that relationship now? He's the loser in the relationship. Imagine how strong it would be if you could say something very simple like this, very easy. I know I'm right. I know that what he did wasn't right. And I've let him know that it wasn't okay for me. But I'm not fighting about it anymore because the goal of this marriage is to be with him, not to be right. You understand? We do this all the time. We teach kids that it's about themselves. Share your toys with others so that they'll share their toys with you. You know what you just taught your kid when you say that? You taught him, this is like a great manipulation tactic. If today you share your toys with him, tomorrow he'll share his toys with you.

29:08 You should teach your children to share your toys with others because that's a godly thing to do. That's what Hashem wants from us. You understand the difference? Okay, so you can see that. You understand the difference? Stop fighting with her because you care about her and she cares about you, and it doesn't matter what the temperature in the room is, and it doesn't matter how long she spent in the bathroom. You understand? You could tell that I've had four teenage daughters. What do parents say in a moment of frustration? I've done this also. Just stop fighting. You're driving me crazy. It's not stop fighting because you're driving me crazy. It's stop fighting because it's not important. I'm not just asking you to give in. You can have hard conversations, but when you're having those hard conversations, what's more important—the relationship or the thing you're fighting about? Comes along Yaakov Avinu And he's on his dying bed.

29:59 And he knows that somewhere in Yosef Hatzadik's heart, Yosef is bearing resentment because he says, "Tati." My mother was buried on the side of the road. And now it's all those years later, and Yaakov Avinu is saying to Yosef, 'Bury me in Maras Amachpela.' Yaakov is the ultimate therapist. He sees right away the look in Yosef Atzadik's eyes. Will Yosef HaTzaddik fulfill his dying wishes? Of course he will. It's his father. It's his Rebbe. The Halacha dictates that you have to fulfill a person's dying wishes. Of course he's going to do it. But how is he going to do it? He'll do it, no doubt. There's not even a question. He'll figure out how to overcome Paro, even though they made Yaakov Avinu into a god in Mitzrayim. He'll figure it out and he'll get him all the way back to Eretz Yisrael. There's no doubt Yosef HaTzaddik is going to do it.

30:48 But Yaakov has a chinuch agenda for Yosef HaTzaddik. You know what the chinuch agenda is? You got to let go of this resentment. And why do you have to let go of this resentment? Because that's what your mother did. Your mother was dying. And she was on the side of the road. And your mother said, and this was the will of Hashem. Don't bury me in Maros Amachpela. You know, I think it's better to be buried next to Yaakov Avinu. Because then she would have been buried next to Adam and Chava and Avram and Sarah and Yitzchok and Rivka. Of course, she wanted to be buried in Maros Amachpela. But she was a good mom. And she has a nivua, and she thinks ahead into the future, and she sees that one day her children are going to be exiled. And they're going to pass by her And it's going to cause pain for her. She's going to leave her burial spot.

31:41 And she's going to go to Hashem, and she's going to say to Hashem, 'My children are being exiled. Hashem, I was a mivat there, and I was buried on the side of the road. Now you be mivat there and take these kids out of galus.' And Hakadosh Baruch Hu won't have an answer for that, because Racheli Menu was such an atshanas in her life. You girls realize that Rachel was supposed to marry Yaakov And she gave up her spot to Leah. She was the ultimate mevateres. But not only that, there are some mafarshim that say Leah never knew that Rachel gave up her spot. There are some mafarshim that say Yaakov, on the night that he married Leah, thought it was her wedding, and she never even realized that Rachel had given her the simanim. And that means that the entire time Rachel was watching Leah have all those children, and she was thinking, 'She's in my spot. She's having my kids.'

32:35 Leah never even knew. She was such a mevateres. She put others before herself. It's a Jewish midah to put others before yourself. So of course Rachel knew when she had the opportunity to be buried on the side of the road. She said, 'I'm not going anywhere else. Right here, side of the road, for me. Because this way, when my children are being exiled, I'm going to come to Hashem and I'm going to say, 'I put my children before me. Now you put your children before you.' Don't be so worried about their averas. You redeem them. This is the lesson that Yaakov is teaching Yosef HaTzaddik. I know you're going to bury me. I have no doubt. Of course you're going to bury me. But I see that you're holding on to resentment. The secret of redemption is that you have to be maver al midosav. You have to be a mavater. So he says you have to be a master because that's what your mother did.

33:24 You have to let go of this. The thing that happened is exactly what's supposed to happen. That's the key to getting rid of resentment. If you want to get rid of resentment, it's a very simple formula. The thing that you think they did to you, they didn't do it to you. God did it to you. You say, "What do you mean, God did it to me?" Yes, God did it to you. Somebody hits you with their car. Who hit you with their car? God hit you with their car. They didn't hit you with their car. God hit you with their car. But it doesn't work the other way. My daughter. Once, many, many years ago, when they were little, my daughter came downstairs and she goes "The older—I won't say her name. The older one Whatever, Racheli. You know her. "She said, 'Racheli hit me.' So my wife calls Racheli downstairs. She goes, 'Racheli.' Maybe she was like six at the time. Racheli comes downstairs.

34:14 And she goes. My wife goes, 'Shira said you hit her.' Racheli goes, "Hashem wanted me to." By far, my smartest kid. If somebody hits you with their car, they don't get to go. Obviously, since Hashem is embedded in every single moment of creation, and this is what was meant to happen, it happened. They don't get to say that. But you have to. If somebody hits you with their car, you know what you get to do? You get to go. It was a lesson from Hashem. I'm not holding on to resentment because everything that happens from Hashem. I can put somebody else's needs before mine because I'm not so petty. I'm not so weak. You know why people hold resentment? Because they don't feel like they have enough in the tank. Because they feel that they're impoverished. Unfortunately We created it and it's not your fault.

35:08 It's my fault. It's our generation. We're so concerned that people are going to get hurt that we created this marshmallow generation of like. You have to take care of yourself first, and you have to speak up for yourself. Of course, there's a time and place for that. But how come we don't hear the shmuzin to the same degree How are you challenging yourself to put someone else's needs before you? Build yourself up enough so that you can give to another? You know what it means to be a Jewish parent. To be a Jewish parent means to put somebody's needs before yourself, and I want you to know if you do that, you're going to raise healthy children. If I'm anything today, it's because I had amazing parents, and it's not because my parents didn't make mistakes. Of course they did, because they were kids, like all of us are when we're raising our children.

35:56 But there's two things that I can identify: one from my mother, and one from my father, that I just knew my parents loved me. Number one Shabbos mornings and Sunday afternoons for my dad. Shabbos morning we davened Ashkamimion, and my father liked to sleep. He worked very hard during the week. My father liked to sleep on Shabbos. So my mother would daven in the white shul, and my father would always encourage her to go to the white shul because the white shul had the schleppiest davening. She wouldn't get home till 11:45, and my father davened tashkam minyan, so we were home by 8:45, the latest. So my father had a nice big break where he could go to sleep. But every single Shabbos morning when I came home from shul, my father did this. He said, "Let's make kiddush." We made kiddush. We had Entenmann's donuts. And you know which donuts? The crumb topping—that's the best donut, right? Anyone who disagrees about it, you can all leave. If you disagree with that sentiment, you're welcome to go.

36:49 There's an order. There's a ranking. It's crumb topping is at the top, and then there's the chocolate with the vanilla in the middle, and then there's chocolate, and then there's the white powder. And if you eat a plain Entenmann's donut, you're not welcome to be in this year ever. You could do tshuva. I allow you to be here if you're willing to do tshuva, but you have to be mekabel on yourself. Never to eat those things. Somebody once said to me, but with milk, I said, 'You're out. That's it. Finish. I'm not having this conversation.' We would sit down, make kiddush, have Entenmann's crumb topping donuts, and play board games. My father taught me how to play chess, Stratego, and we played Battleship and card games. My father used to say, when I was growing up, "A little learning never hurts. So let's learn as little as possible." I was never the guy that had to rebel against his father. That my dad wants me to learn Shabbos afternoon. In fact, all the rabbis' kids would always want to come over for Shabbos lunch to avoid learning with their fathers. They knew in my house you never had to worry about that.

37:46 And Sunday afternoon, you know what my father wanted to be doing on Sunday afternoon? He wanted to be chilling out. He wanted to be watching a game. Sunday afternoon, my father was a little league coach because he himself was a ball player when he was a kid and he wanted to coach his children. There are always three types of parents: the parents that actually coach little league. There's the parents that don't coach little league, but they come and they sit on the side. Today they have fancy bleachers on the side of every park, but back then you had lawn chairs. In the '80s, it's exactly what you think it is: the old broken down lawn chairs. They would come. There was always that mother that brought apples. Anybody want apples? No, I don't want apples. And then there's one mother that brought chips, and everyone went to that mother. And the other mothers like. But we should give them healthier food. Don't be that parent either. But at least she shows up to the game.

38:32 And then there's always the kids, and it's heartbreaking to watch. The parents who drive to the game, the door opens up, the kid comes out, he closes the door behind them, and dad leaves them. Free babysitting. Free babysitting. There's always a look on that kid's face. He sees other parents there watching. He sees some parents coaching. But there's always the parent that sees it as an opportunity to get a break from their children. You want to tell your children that you love them. Stay for the game. You're tired. You're exhausted. That's what it means to be a parent. But you show up to their game anyway because you put their needs before your own. It's called being a healthy adult, and it raises children to know that they're loved. My mother, especially in the younger years when my father was not yet successful in business, held two jobs. She was a secretary in the morning and an English teacher in the afternoon. What are you going to do all morning? She was a secretary in the school. This paid for our tuition. She was there in the morning before we got up, making our lunches and getting us off to school. She was home at night when we came home, and there was always something fresh made for dinner, beautiful and delicious. Except for her meatloaf, I never liked her meatloaf. That was the worst.

39:46 But other than that, my mother is an amazing cook. And she really put herself out for her children. When we took vacations, I can barely remember my parents taking a vacation without us. Vacation meant that we went together as a family. You think that's what my father wanted to do? My father, who was the president of a major multi-billion-dollar company, you think he wanted to go to Cape Cod, Massachusetts, and go to the WaterWiz with us? You think that's what he wanted? I'm sure my father would have wanted to have been on some island by himself or with my mom. But every vacation was with us. They put their needs before. They put our needs before their own. That's how you raise kids who know that they are loved. That's how you raise kids who have enough in the tank to be able to put somebody else's needs before their own.

40:33 And of course, there's somebody who's going to hear this year and go, "So I'm not allowed to take care of myself, chas v'shalom." But that can't be the first words out of our mouth. It can't be the first thing we say. Of course, we have to put the oxygen mask on yourself so that you can put the oxygen mask on somebody else. Imagine you're on a plane and the plane is going down and the oxygen mask falls and there's a little kid right next to you and you go, "I put the oxygen mask on myself." And the little kid goes, "Can you give me?" And you're, "I'm in the middle of self-care." It sounds ridiculous, but that's what's happening today. Where are your children? Right now, I can't take care of them because I need self care. How long does your self care take? Of course you have to take care of yourself, but for the purpose of taking care of another, not for the purpose of being selfish.

41:20 This Rachel imenu. This Yaakov avinu in his dying moment, saying to Yosef Batatic, "I know you're going to listen to me, but I see the resentment in your heart. And it's not okay to operate from a place of resentment. Bez Hashem We're all going to raise beautiful, loving, warm families. Because we put their needs before our own, girls have a wonderful Shabbos.