Parshas Vayechi - Words Matter

2:30 What does Avram Avinu say? Avram Avinu says to Eliezer that you have to swear that you're going to find her a wife. Avram Avinu didn't trust Eliezer. Eliezer was his faithful servant. So another place in the Torah where we see that they agreed to do what they were supposed to do. But Avram Avinu says no. You have to swear it. There's one more place that we see a very interesting shavua, a very interesting oath. The Gemara tells us that a fetus takes an oath while it's in its mother's womb. What's the shavua? I will be righteous. I will not be wicked. That's the shavua that the fetus takes. This is particularly difficult to understand. Whatever a shavua means, how could a fetus make a shavua? Fetus can't make a shavua. Even if a fetus did make a shul, would it mean anything? What is the depth of the Gemara?

3:29 These are the three questions. It's really all one question. Basically, what is the essence of a shul? But these are the three questions we'll ask tonight. Foundation. What is the inner meaning? I want to tell you a medrash. It's a simple medrash, but it's a very deep medrash. The medrash is about a farmer and his sons, who are out working the land. They see a fox in the field. When a fox comes into the field, it eats all the fruits and vegetables and destroys all the produce. So they start chasing after the fox, and finally they get the fox. It goes into a patch in the corner of the garden, and the fox realizes that it has nowhere to go. So the fox does what foxes do. They play dead. The fox rolls over and plays dead. The farmer's initial feeling, the medrash says, is that the fox has died of exhaustion. The farmer's son says to the farmer, 'I would like its tail for a scarf. A fox has a really bushy tail. I would like its tail for a scarf.'

4:50 So the farmer says, "No problem." Hands a knife to his son and chops off the tail of the fox. Now a fox can live without a tail, so the fox has to do everything it can not to move a muscle. Because if they realize the fox is alive, they'll kill the fox. Better to lose the tail than the fox. Better to lose my tail than to lose my whole body. Now the fox has no tail. The next son, the medjor says, "I would like the tooth." I would like the tooth of the fox to wear around my neck as a good luck charm. And the fox hears this, and the fox says, "Better to lose a tooth than to lose my life." And the farmer proceeds to open the fox's mouth, thinking that the fox is dead, and he yanks out the tooth of the fox. The fox is obviously in extreme pain, but the fox can't move until finally the farmer himself says, "I'm going to skin the fox." Relax.

5:52 It's a medrash. In yeshiva, I have to say don't take the medrash literally. In seminary, I have to say calm down. It's a medrash. I'm not going to drink anymore. When the fox hears this, the fox realizes I have. If I'm skinned, I'm dead. A person needs skin. A fox needs skin to survive. You're gonna die being cut open like that. And with that, the medrash says that the fox all of a sudden got up and jumped over the wall, and it escaped from the farmer and his sons. What's the inner meaning of the medrash? What's this medrash talking about? I want to make tonight the following split. It's an important time of year for us to have this conversation. The difference is between shoulds and musts. There's a difference in your life between shoulds and musts. I'm going to tell you right now. Every single person in this room, I'm going to tell you how to know what are your shoulds and what are your musts. It's a very clear distinction.

7:01 If you find yourself saying, "I should do this," I guarantee you that you won't. And even if you manage to do it for a short amount of time, it won't last. Because it's only a should. If you say I must do this, then I guarantee you that you will, and I guarantee you that it will last. Why is that? Should means not something I am. It doesn't resonate with me deeply. But it's this external force that tells me what I should do. It's not something I want to do. It's not necessarily the person that I see myself as, but I know it's this thing that I should do. When you speak about a must, musts come from deep inside a person. Must means this is who I am. Must means I don't know how to live without this. So will it be part of your day? The answer is it is as part of your day as breathing. And I'll give you an example.

8:04 There are people that enjoy working out. I am not one of them. I don't understand why people enjoy working out. You see, especially guys in a gym. I know girls work out differently. Guys in a gym, the whole concept is to see how much you can lift. So when you hear guys in a gym, it just sounds like it sounds like. And you see them and they're sweating and afterwards they're walking around with their arms can't reach their sides, holding their arms at like a forty five degree angle because they can't go there and they look like they're in so much pain, they're charley horse. When you speak to them, you know what they say, 'I love it.' And I look at these guys and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Why would you do that to yourself? You would never randomly pick up heavy objects.

9:03 Right? And just like a grunt with exhaustion. The difference is that for them it's a must, and for me it's a should. And I'll tell you why. For whatever reason, it's their must. But when I look at working out, all I see is the pain. So since all I see is the pain, for me all it is a should. So this is what it sounds like when I talk about working out. This is what it sounds like. It's not very inspiring, girls. I have the body of a god, Buddha. This is what it sounds like. I know I should go to the gym three times a week for 45 minutes. I know I should. But honestly, I'm so busy. I'm gonna be so tired. I'm so hoarse. You hear? This is not something I deeply believe in. This is not something that's gonna inspire anybody to go work out. Because when you speak about should, you're not speaking about who you are. You're speaking about this external thing that obligates you to do something that you don't really want to do. Just I should do it because that's what better people do, right?

10:19 But when you speak to somebody who's really inspired by working out, if they hear me say what I just say, they don't just look at me like I'm an idiot. They actually pity me. They legitimately pity me. And this is what they say. And by the way, they're right. I know they're right. I should be listening to them, but it's just a should because I don't really want to. But here's what it sounds like. Here's what they say to me. They say, listen. There's something called heart disease. And if you and they're right, by the way. And they say this is a very simple equation in your life. If you're not in a caloric deficit, you're going to be gaining weight. And when you gain weight, let me tell you what's going to happen. Your heart is going to have a harder time pumping blood to the rest of your body. I'm not speaking about being physically fit so you can do these acts of great, incredible bravery of lifting cars. That's not what we're talking about. You are not in shape.

11:17 You're in a shape. You're not in shape. You're in a shape. Why? Because your body is going to wither away. Your body is going to wither away. It's what's going to happen. And then they'll ask you things like. They're being dead serious when they ask you this. They say, "Do you want to be at all your children's weddings?" They're very intense. When you speak to somebody who's consumed with health. This past Shabbos, I had a conversation with a guy. He's an unbelievable guy. He's very into holistic healing and eating right. And he said to me, he was very straight with me. He said, "Do you want to see all of your children walk down the aisle?" And I was like, "Yes." Now what? If I have that burger, I guess it's not going to happen. That's the lie I tell myself. Protein is the greatest protein. It's just protein. It's like ten steaks. It's just protein, right? Papagayos. It's just protein, right? It's you walk out like rolling down.

12:29 Crazy. By the end of the year We'll be able to roll down the hill. The problem is, you won't be able to walk back up again. The difference between him and me is as follows: When I see people who work out, all I can think to myself is that it looks like so much pain. And when he works out, he says all I can see is that he wants to walk his children and grandchildren down the aisle. Which is why, to him, working out is not a choice; it's a must. It's part of his day, and he doesn't miss. And he says to me, 'He goes, I don't understand. You can't find 45 minutes in your week, three times a week, 45 minutes to take a brisk walk just to get to be healthy.' Of course, he's right. That's what we're going to discuss. That's the topic of this year, and that's why I said it's such an important topic for this time of year. Because really, what's going on right now in this entire seminary is as follows: We hit that wall. So let me tell you what the wall looks like. The wall looks like this. I get it. I'm starting to understand the agenda. I'm starting to understand what exactly they want from me here. And the truth of the matter is, you'll tell yourself, "I know it's the right thing to do."

13:51 I know I should. And that 'should' has minor implications. Maybe you'll start doing this a little bit more. Maybe you'll start doing that a little bit more. You'll go on a little bit of a streak, and then it'll fall off. What's the difference? How do we go from 'should' to 'must'? Because if you want to make the third quarter of your year meaningful, you have to turn from shuds into musts. You have to. The way it goes is as follows. This year is broken up into four parts. I told you, girls, this. I'm going to tell it to you again. The beginning, when you come, when you're just adjusting. Then after Sukkot, when you're readjusting, because you just adjusted to the fact that I'm not adjusting. And they have to readjust the adjustment. Then you go through that. Do I like it here? Don't I like it here? Do I have friends here? Am I critical? Am I negative? You go. You've been through that. That's the whole second quarter. Then there's post Pesach. Post Pesach is a drop in the bucket. Post Pesach is the fourth quarter. What's the third? That's what I'm getting to in a second. I skipped it on purpose.

14:45 Post Pesach really doesn't matter. You want to know when you win the game? You win the game in the third quarter. What's the third quarter? The third quarter is going to look like one of two things for most of you. Either it will look like I went on some good streaks or I changed my life. And I'm going to tell you how we get to the second. If you go on some good streaks, then you're going to have the following question for me at the end of the year. It is my least favorite question that I get asked. I'm sure they're going to ask me in seminaries all around the country. Baruch Hashem, Rvberg, will you come speak at our end of the year Yom Yun? And what will be the topic? The topic will be how to take it with you. How to take it with you has to be the dumbest Yom Yun of all time.

15:34 What were they teaching you the entire year? They weren't teaching you a Torah that you could take with you. They weren't training you the entire time. Now you've been here for the entire year. Give Berg forty-five minutes. I'll make the entire thing work for you. That's crazy. It doesn't make any sense. What's the real shot? The real shot is like this. In the third quarter, if you decide to go from should to must, it's not going to be how do I take it with me when we're having that conversation after Pesach. And it's not going to be how do I stay strong in America in six months from now or in a year from now or in a year and a half from now. The question will be very different. The question will be how do I utilize every opportunity around me to continue with the focus that I've gained here. That's a fundamentally different question. How do you go from should to must? And the answer is you take a shavua.

16:26 So what's the inner meaning of a shvua? Before we get back to our examples, let's spend a couple of minutes talking about what a shvua really ought to be. There is a clarifying process that all of us go through in our lives. The clarifying process ultimately all comes down to one basic question that we are asked again and again, almost every single moment of every single day that we're going to be alive for as long as we live. It's a fundamental question. The question is very simple. The question is, "Who am I?" That's the question. Who am I? You're going to have two responses to that question. You're going to have what we call an inner want and an outer want, an inner will and an external will. The external will always tells you not to live in harmony with who you truly are. The inner will always tells you to live in harmony with who you truly are. For example, let's go back to our diet example.

17:34 You go to a family party. All the fried food is out, and they have a salad. Why? Because there's not many girls in their family, so they have a salad and all this fried food. Your outer will tells you. Deep fried is delicious. Your inner will tells you, "I'm going to have to pay for that. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm choosing to lead a more organic, more natural lifestyle." Now you have two choices in front of you, and you have two things that are being said to you. On the one hand, it's delicious. The here and now. The outer will be satisfied. The inner will feel disgusted. Here's the thing about inner will and outer will. Inner will almost never feels good in the moment. It only feels good afterwards. Outer will feels good in the moment and usually involves a lot of self-loathing afterwards. For example, let's say you actually made the bad decision and you went for the deep fry. Now you're sitting there with the deep fry. Is it delicious? Of course, it's delicious. Hakadosh Baruch Hu made oil in food a delicious thing.

18:53 And if you sat like me with a nine by thirteen, because that's a serving size of deep fried wings. In the moment you know what you're going to be saying? Oh my God, this is amazing. But 20 minutes afterwards, you're going to ask yourself the following question. Forget the physical implications. 20 minutes afterwards, you're going to say to yourself, Why did I do that? I was working, and this is what it sounds like. I was working so hard on not being that person. How did I fall into this? If you choose to go with that one salad, or you choose to go with a moderate portion, what you're going to be left with in the moment is you're going to be looking at it and eating your heart out. But 20 minutes later, you're going to feel—here's the key word—victorious. The truest sense of self that you have is going to have emerged, and you're going to live with a sense of pride and dignity that that's who I actually am. In the moment, it was hard. But afterwards, you feel awesome.

19:55 Apply that to any challenge you have in your life. The girl that comes to me and she says to me, "I'm really working on being shomaynigia." And the truth is, Baruch Hashem, I've been so appropriate for a couple of months. But now, this is a meisah shahaya. But now this boy, He's paying attention to me, and I'm in this struggle. I'm in this struggle because there's a part of me, it's an external will, but there is a part of me that wants that validation that he really likes me. There's that part of me. There's this other part of me that says No, I know this is not the person I want to be. I'm not just thinking about now, but what will my husband want? Who's the guy? The guy I want to marry? What value system does he have? What role model will I be for my children? Will I teach them to live with the feminine dignity that resides within all of us, or am I just going to be sloppy about what's exceptionally important to me? Which one am I going to be? In the moment, it's so hard to be able to say, 'I'm going to be enough for myself.' And I'm going to say that if he truly likes me, then he'll respect the value system that I have.

20:58 Because it's so much more validating not to. But long term, ask yourself what is the impact of making this decision. That's how you switch from a should to a must. You ask yourself, Who do I want to be? And here's the easy part about this. The hard part is the answer. But the easy part is life will ask you that question every moment of every single day. Life will ask you that question again and again. How do you treat the people around you? How do you talk to them? It is a question of who you are. Do you want to know who you are? I'll tell you who you are. Look at the way you speak to the people around you. Look who your friends are. Look what you're doing. You want everyone. Who am I? What does it mean? Who am I? My daughter once heard me giving this shir. She was seven at the time, and she came over to me. She was like, "Abba, I didn't like that shir." This is my daughter, who's quite precocious. I said to her, "You didn't like that shir. You're seven years old. You didn't like that shir." She's like, "You kept saying to the girls" 'Who am I? Look in the mirror. There's you.

21:59 "So I said to her You're right. That's kind of the shiur I was trying to give. Look in the mirror. There's you. I would love for Toma Devora to do the following. I would love for you to show up on day one of Toma Devora. And for them to have a care package in your room when you show up. The care package will include a bottle of water. It will include some snacks, but I want there to be a mirror. And on the top of the mirror, there could be the Toma Devora logo. But on the middle of the mirror, this is what I wanted to say: Who am I? I want you to have that mirror every single day of your life. I want you to be able to take that proverbial selfie every single day and to be able to look at yourself and say, Who am I? Because you know who you are: You're your musts, not your shoulds. You'll have a lot of girls that say, 'I really know I should speak less lashon hara,' but then that night, somebody's gonna have done something to you because it's a dorm, and inevitably somebody did something to someone, even if that thing is kima nothing. It's part of a whole package of things.

23:07 So now you have a right to go to your roommate and tell your roommate all the terrible things that this other roommate did. That's mamish aser 100 percent. If it's litewellis to actually sit down and say, 'Let's have a conversation about how to best work this situation out,' than beseder. But more often than not, what are we doing? What we're doing is verbal murder. I'm saying a very strong thing, but it's true. Who says you're allowed to kill someone with your words? You wonder who you are. That night, you're going to be in that moment. Do you open your mouth or do you say? I know that if I'm in the room right now, I'm going to say Lashanahara. I'm choosing my better angels.

23:49 How do we move from Shud to Musk? The question is constantly being asked. The question is, are you focused on the question? The question is constantly being asked, but for most of us, we're on such an autopilot modality in our life that the question is just flying over our head every single minute of every single day. You don't realize that right now you're being challenged with the question. It's the question of: Am I going to listen? Am I going to roll my eyes? Am I going to talk when Berg doesn't see that I'm talking? Because of course I see, because I'm not blind. Am I going to be doing all those things? Am I going to pull out my phone? Nobody could ever know. Nobody could ever know. Who knew? And I've been alive for a long time, almost forty years in my life before cell phones. I never saw anybody do this. I never saw anybody do that. You know why? Because it's not a human behavior. There's no part of our evolution that includes.

24:42 What's the chat? It's a choice that we make every single minute of every single day. Am I going to take it seriously or am I not? It's a choice. It's a choice of how to wake up in the morning. People tell me all the time. They ask me the question, "How do I wake up in the morning?" Reb, you don't understand. I just can't wake up. I don't hear adults asking that question. How come? Is it because teenagers have a hard time waking up? For sure, there's a part of that. But I'll tell you what it really is. You don't sleep through life when you have something you must do. It's not that I don't have a choice to wake up in the morning. I can't remember the last time I overslept. And it's not because I can do with less sleep now. That happens to be true. But I got to get to yeshiva. I have important things to do. I got to come to Tzomar Devorah. I got places to go in my life. I feel like I have important things to do. This is a must for me.

25:31 It's not a should. How many times do you think your teachers show up to school to teach? How many times do they come to seminary and they're sick? I'm telling you, they come when they're physically ill. How come they come? Because their paycheck? It's not true. They come because it's a must. They come because they think teaching you is the most important thing in the world. And the irony is that a girl will show up to that class only because she should. The must is teaching the should because she's trying to get the should to become a must. That's why you come here. We don't come to work every day so that you'll do just another halacha that you'll go on another streak. We're trying to teach you something fundamental. This is who you are. You want a roadmap to who a person should be? Look at halacha. Halacha is how you live. It's how you walk. That's what halacha means. It's how you engage the world. It's how you go from your should to your must.

26:23 That fox, as long as he could live. He couldn't jump the wall. As long as he could live, he couldn't jump the wall. I don't need a tail. I have no capacity to jump the wall. I don't need a tail. I don't need my teeth. But once he was going to be skinned alive, what does the medjus say? Now all of a sudden he was able to jump the fence. Why? Because when you are threatened—not when your shuds are threatened, but when your musts are threatened—all of a sudden you come alive. Look at a mother whose child is trapped. What happens? All of a sudden, the mother gets superhuman strength. Why? Because that's me. That's my child. My child isn't a should. My child is a must. That's why parents will do crazy things for their children because it's their atzmios. It's them.

27:12 Sometimes that's a problem because it's so much identified with them that they don't know how to let go and allow the child to be a child. But once it's you, it becomes a must. Once it's something external, it's only a should. And that's what my friend was trying to tell me on Shabbos. He doesn't understand how health could be a should. Is there anything more important from a body's perspective than health? How could that be a should? That's not external. That's internal. He's right. I know he's right. Here's the catch. The way I talk impacts the way I think. Impacts the way I feel, impacts what I do. One more time. Here's the equation. The way I talk impacts the way I think. Impacts the way I feel, impacts the way I act. Actions are energy in motion. Emotion means energy in motion. The way you feel about something, that's what you're going to do. You want to know? Look at how you speak. Is it a should or is it a must? So I get up here and I make my jokes and say, "Yeah, body of a god, Buddha, etc." But you know what? He's right. If I would stop talking that way

28:17 If I would marshal my energy from an internal place, I could do things that I never thought possible. And so could you. And I'll bring you the proof. Because in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now, you are not going to struggle with the things you struggle with today, because they will be so obvious that you'll almost look at them and think, "Oh my God, that was so childish." We don't sleep in because we have things to do in life. For example, when you're a mom. A couple just sat at my house last Masay Shabbos, a Talmud and a Talmidah who are now married. They came to my house on Shabbos. She's expecting her first. We were talking about what bassinets to get when the baby is born. I said you got to get this bassinet. There's a bassinet that's a bassinet only on three sides, and it attaches to the bed. So that when the baby cries at night, you don't even need to lift the baby up.

29:19 You just slide it over and slide it back. It's the most incredible invention ever. It's real. I own it. You know why it's such an important gift? Because it's hard for moms to wake up in the middle of the night to go feed the baby. Some, especially as the families get older, when they have more kids to take care of, and they're so sleep deprived. You see these poor mothers. They're like walking around like zombies in the day. Because how could you do it? How could you get up twice in the middle of the night to feed the baby and get the kids off with a smile and they have a job. How could you do it? It's incredible. Some of these same girls Just four or five years earlier, I couldn't wake up in the morning. What changed? I had to come to class in pajamas. You don't understand. Even the fact that I'm here is a gift. You tell your teachers I'm here. It's a gift. I understand that I'm wearing whatever I've been wearing for the last four days. But it's a gift. You should be thanking me that I came. I have a question. How come your teachers don't come in pajamas?

30:21 I know this might be hard for you to believe. I don't wear this to sleep. I know, it's crazy. I know you think black and white all the time but it's not true. It's because you dress for the part that you think you have. If it's a should, you're going to dress one way. If it's a must, you're going to dress a different way. You're capable of doing it already. It's just a question of whether or not it's a should or a must. I want to tell you something unbelievable. Yaakov Avinu knew Yosef loved him. That wasn't the question. The Ramban says two pshatim. Both of them, I think, they go together. These two pshatim, but it's an unbelievable Ramban. The first Ramban says as follows. He says, Paro didn't want to keep Yaakov in Mitzrayim. Paro, Yaakov was a huge deal. Paro was going to want to keep him in Mitzrayim. So he tells Yosef as follows: swear it. This way, you can tell Paro you took a shvua.

31:23 It'll mean more to Paro. The second thing the Ramban says is this way Yosef would actually do it. Yosef wouldn't do it. Yosef, his beloved son, is not going to fulfill the last will and testament of his father. Of course he will. You know the pshat. The way you speak impacts the way you think, impacts the way you feel, impacts what you do. Yaakov Avinu knew that burying him in Eretz Yisrael and Maros Machpelah was not going to be simple. He knew that Paro was going to stand in the way. It would be a meaningful argument to Paro. But you know why it would be a meaningful argument to Paro? Because once you swear something, you know what you're saying. This is who I am.

32:04 When you make someone a promise, "Yeah, I'll do it for you," you know what you're going to do? You're going to do it until it gets hard. When you swear it, you're gonna do it when it gets hard. That's the difference. So take for example the favor that we told our friend we were gonna do. And we really wanted to do the favor. Were we not being legitimate? Were we not being authentic? Of course we were authentic. Of course we wanted to do the favor. But then something came up, and I wasn't able to get there. And what do you tell your friend? I'm so sorry. But when your friend says to you, swear that you'll do it to me. Swear that you'll do it, and you actually swear it, then you know what you're saying. I'm not swearing for the first part of the mission. The first part of the mission I was already going to do. It's the second part. It's when it gets hard. Will you stay with it? Are you committed? Is this who you are? When you swear it, you marshal all of your energy. When you look at these three shavuos, there's one thing they all have in common. Yaakov knew that Paro was going to give Yosef a hard time. Yosef, I need this to be you, not just the mission that I sent you on.

33:05 I need this to be you. This is us, and that's why he speaks to them that way. If I found favor in your eyes, do we have chaim for one another? Is there grace? Is there love? Avram tells Eliezer, "What does Rashi say? Did Eliezer have a shidduch in mind already? Didn't he? Who was the shidduch that Eliezer had in mind for Yitzchak? His own daughter. So there was a friction. The friction was, Eliezer, will you be the true avodah Avram? Of course he'll go. Of course I'll go, but what happens if all these things happen along the way?" After all, how am I going to know if she's the right one? What does Avraham Avinu say? Swear it. You make it happen. Precisely when you rub up against the difficulty, that's when we're going to figure out who we are. That's the clarification. Just like it's obvious that mother, I'm not going to let my child cry through the night when they need to be fed.

33:55 The last one is fascinating because it tells us something about the human condition. The fetus is about to be born. What does the fetus have to take a shvua? What's the oath that it has to take? I will be righteous. I will not be evil. Because life has a gravitational pull to do the easy thing, to do the narcissistic thing, to do the thing that focuses on the short term, to do the thing that focuses on your own personal gain and not for another. That's the gravitational pull of life. So you can't take that shvua once you're born. If you're born, what state are you already in? You're already in a state of conflict. Life is a state of conflict. It asks that question over and over again. Who am I? You can't take that shvua. The minute you're born, you know what you're focused on: your own needs. You ever see a baby? All a baby cares about is what it needs right now. I don't feel good because I soiled my diaper. I'm hungry. I'm tired. All a baby cares about is its own needs. As a baby grows up.

34:59 Those needs become more complex. In the beginning the needs were physical, but as the baby grows up, now it has emotional needs that focus on itself. How many marriages, how many relationships are suffering because they're stuck in that narcissistic viewpoint? Because life is narcissistic. You have to survive. So before you're born, The Malach says, "Take a shavua." I'll be a tzaddik and I won't be a rasha. Vilne Goyin says something very scary. We know at the end of our lives, and it's Parshas VaYechi, so it's appropriate to speak at the end of our lives. At the end of our lives, a Malach comes to us, and he asks us questions, all these different questions about how we lived our life. Did you make time for Torah? Were you honest in business? Many questions. Did you enjoy the pleasures of my world? Many questions the Malach asks. Vilne Goyin says, you know who that Malach is? It's the same Malach that you learned to tire with in your mother's stomach. It's the same Malach that made you take that shvua.

36:03 At the end of our lives, we're going to have to look back and ask ourselves a question: Did we or didn't we? It's a simple question: Did we or didn't we? Which one were we? The should or the must? That's it. That's the whole thing. But it's the same malach because that's you. You're going to have to look in the mirror. I want to tell you about a minig that we have in our yeshiva. In Mevaseret, we've been doing this for almost as long as the yeshiva exists. We have a roof on top of the yeshiva. It's an empty roof. On the very last day of the year, we have a banquet. The banquet is awesome. Everybody dresses up in nice Shabbos clothing. Guys are making seudim, tons of seudim, finishing the sechta is really inspiring. And then we go daven myrav. And we go up to the roof. Everybody brings a chair, sit in a massive circle. It starts usually around nine, ten o'clock at night. And there have been years that it didn't finish until three, four, five o'clock in the morning. And every single guy talks about their year. And we tell them, guys, sixty seconds. If we all go sixty seconds, we could be out of here an hour and a half. There's not one guy that has ever stuck to sixty seconds, because it's your turn. It's your turn.

37:23 In the beginning of the year, you came in with all these hopes and dreams. At the end of the year, you sit on the roof. And you have to answer: Did you, or didn't you? My speech, day one in yeshiva, goes as follows: The days are long, but the year is short. It flies by. You blink, and it's over. I blinked. 18 years ago, I blinked. I came to Mevaser. That's where I went to yeshiva. 18 years ago, I blinked. It's 20 years later. I'm married with six children. And I'm teaching in a seminary. I promise you that at 18 years old, I never thought. First of all, I never thought I'd be teaching in a seminary. Second of all, I never thought I would have five daughters. There's a lot in my life that I blinked, and it just happened, and I was like, "Where did it go? These are the remnants of a once great nation of hair, right? Where did it go?"

38:13 The answer is, at the end, you look back and you say to yourself, "Did I or didn't I?" And there's always, again, Baruch Hashem, most guys on the roof. They'll sit there and they'll say, "That was awesome. I had aspirations and I met them. Maybe I didn't meet them every day, but it was a process, and I feel like I've really grown. I'm more connected to my davening. I'm more connected to my learning. I'm more connected to Hashem, frankly. The way that I see the world is different. It's more mature. It's more healthy. I see life more from a godly perspective." But as the candle gets passed around from guy to guy, I always have a sinking feeling in my stomach as it comes to certain guys because I know what's coming. They have to get up there because everyone's honest on the roof. You can't lie. You have to get up there and you have to say, 'I didn't do it. I wasted my time. It didn't make the change that I wanted to make.' And honestly, I'm really sad. And it's killer for me to hear that because the opportunity was right in front of them every single day. Girls, the opportunity is right in front of you every single day.

39:16 You're being asked the question: Who are you going to be as Jewish mothers? Who are you going to be as Jews in the world that go and share the light of godliness with the world? Who are you going to be? Is it a should or is it a must? Is it this external thing or is it you? Take a shavua. Look at the way you speak. Is it negative? Are you saying all the bad things? The cemetery doesn't have this. They don't have that. Are you looking at the incredible gift that you have? Where's the positivity? Where's the way that you go over to your teachers and say thank you? Do you go over to the teachers that are here every day and say thank you? Do you go over to Rabbi Finkel and Rabbi Rosenstein and say thank you for giving your entire life to the seminary? Do you do that? Do you recognize how much they've given to you? Where are your words?

40:08 Because if they're speaking one way, we know exactly who you're going to be. But if you decide to marshal all of your energy and actually engage the world through speech in a different way, that shvu is going to change your life. That's how we go from shuts to musts. Parshas VaYechi is all about how we live, not how we die. A person who dies, you can tell how they lived in their legacy. What's the legacy? What's the way people remember them? How do they remember them? Were they even after they died, but they were alive? They were alive. This is your life right now. It's happening right now. Don't let it pass you by.