Parshas Toldos: Parenting Eisav

3:37 Sounds like you'll forgive me for saying it like this. Sounds like the worst marriage in the world. I want to know the Torah doesn't tell us what happened after. What happens afterwards? Yaakov Yemenu has run away to Yeshiva Shem Ve'Ever for fourteen years. And then he ends up by love. He's gone for a very long time, well over thirty years. He's gone. Esav, at the end, declares his murderous intent. He says, "If I catch Yaakov, I'm going to kill him." What was the conversation over the course of those thirty years between Yitzchak and Rivka? I want to know when they were sitting around the Shabbos table. Did Yitzchak say to Rivka because I imagine I would have done this. How could you not have told me? Why didn't you tell me? I understand we had a disagreement. I understand you saw it this way and I saw it that way. But to dress up my son, knowing that I'm blind, to dress him up so he smells like Esau, that I should be tricked into giving the bracha. Why not have a conversation? Isn't that the basis of every good marriage? Don't they say communication is the foundation of every good marriage? Hear the question. How come Rivka doesn't say anything?

4:55 Talk to your husband. There are marriages like this. There are marriages where the wife makes a decision without talking to the husband. Then what does the husband feel like? Feels like where am I? I have no voice in this relationship. So what's going on over here? How could Rivka not have said anything? That's the third question. And the last question I think is perhaps one of the most powerful questions that's out there. It'll be the last question for today. When we look at the bracha We know that Esav is called Kitzayyid Befiv. He has entrapment in his mouth. What does it mean? He has entrapment in his mouth. It means he's a hunter. Means he's a hunter. But listen carefully. What the pasuk says. In a moment, I apologize.

6:10 He drew close to Yitzchak. And what did he smell? He smelled the reach begodav. He smelled the smell of his clothing. Gemara and Sanhedrin tells us. What did Yitzchak smell? Not the clothing, says the Gemara. Not the clothing. Begadav means clothing, but what else does begadav mean? Anybody know what the word boged means? Boged means a traitor. Boged means rebellion. Yitzchak smelled the begadim of Esav. And what does he smell? He smells his rebellion. And then it says he gives him a bracha. The stench. The smell of my son is like the smell of the field that God has blessed. This is mamish a wild gemara. What does the pashapshat mean? The pashapshat means that Yaakov comes in. He's wearing Esav's begadim. The begadim smell of the sada. The sada is blessed by God. Of course, Yitzchak gives the bracha to Esav. That was Yaakov wearing Esav's clothing. But that's not what the Gemara says. The Gemara says no. What did he smell? He smelled his begodim.

7:38 His begodim that smelled like rebellion, His begodim that said you're a traitor. It was like the smell of the field that was blessed by God. The Gemara is saying exactly the opposite of the pasuk. What's the pasuk saying? The pasuk says it's a good thing. He smells like the field that was blessed by God. What is the Gemara saying? He smells like a traitor, like the field that was blessed by God. You hear how it doesn't make any sense? Remember in the beginning of the year, guys. Remember that gift? Doesn't make any sense. So four questions for tonight are number one: What was Yifta afraid of? Now that she finds out that she has twins, she's okay. Question number two: Why is she surprised when she has twins if Shem told her that she's going to have twins? Question number three is why doesn't Rivka talk to Yitzchak? Where's the communication in the marriage? And question number four is what does it mean that Yitzchak smelled the begad? He smelled the treacherousness, the rebelliousness of Esav.

8:50 I want to tell you about a Gemara in Sanhedrin that's right beneath the Gemara I just quoted to you. It's about a machleikus between Rav Zera and the Chachamim. What's the machleikus? The Gemara says there was a group of hooligans, a group of kids that Mamish behaved inappropriately. And there was a machleikus between Rav Zera and the Chachamim how they should deal with this group of people. The Chachamim said, 'Push them away, dangerous influence.' And Rav Zera said just the opposite. The Gemara says that Rav Zera befriended them; he drew them close with the purpose of teaching them to do tshuva. The Chachamim were very upset at Rav Zera for doing this. It's mamish. The next section of the Gemara And then Rav Zera died. The Gemara tells us what happens at the end of the story. Rezehir dies, and now this group of hooligans start thinking to themselves: When Rezehir was alive, we always knew that we had somebody who was compassionate for us. We always knew that we had somebody who davened for rachamim for us. Now that Rezehir is dead, who will daven for us? The Gemara says that because of this.

10:17 These talmidim, so to speak, of Reuven Zera, this group of hooligans, this group of thug life. What happened to them? They were chayzer b'tshuva. They did tshuva. So who was right? Who was right, Reuven Zera or the Chachamim? Who was right? Think about it for a second. Reuven Zera says, "No, you have to draw them close." The Chachamim say, "You have to push them away." Reuven Zera says, "We draw them close, but what happens when he dies?" When he dies, they do tshuva. Who was right, Rav Zeyer or the Chachamim? That's a good Gemara cup. You have both. The easy answer. It's like saying, 'Where is this in Chumash? It's in Dvarim. Some Gemara somewhere, some Medrash somewhere. Both.' Pashub Shat. The Gemara seems to be indicating it's Rav Zeyer But when you think a little bit deeply about this, you start to wonder maybe the Chachamim were right. The entire time that Rev Zera was alive, did they do tshuva? They didn't do tshuva. Only after Rev Zera dies and they say, 'Now we have nobody to daven for us,' do they do tshuva. Which means that what? Let's say Rev Zera wasn't davening for them for all that time. What might have happened? They might have said, 'Nobody is davening for us. If nobody is davening for us, we should do tshuva.' So who's right? You could argue that the chachamim were right.

11:41 Again, I'll make the argument one more time. The simple pshat of the Gemara is who's right. Rav Zerah is right. Why? Because he davened for them, and ultimately they did tshuva. But maybe the only reason they did tshuva was because Rav Zerah died. Now they have nobody to daven for them. Which means that maybe if Rav Zerah wasn't davening for them the entire time, they would have done tshuva much earlier. So maybe the Chachamim were right. No. Only Rav Zerah was right. Obviously the Chachamim were saying something meaningful. For us, only the Chachamim were right. Why? Many years ago, I heard a pshat from Rav Meir Shweinberger Shlita Shlit"a, Rav of Eish Kodesh in Woodmere. He said an unbelievable pshat. When Eliyahu the Navi ascended to Shamayim, Elisha asked Eliyahu for a bracha. He asked him for the bracha, "Give me pishnayim meruchacha," which literally means, "I want to be twice as great as you."

12:42 That's a strange bracha to ask from your rebbe. Rav Weinberger interprets it a little bit differently. It's mamish so beautiful. He says, 'No, what was Elisha really saying? He was saying, Rebbe, when I'm with you, I always remember. There's two ruachos. There's the person that I am, and there's the person that I know that I can be. But after Rebbe, you leave me. Who's going to remind me of how great I am? I have a pshat in this gemara I want to share with you. As long as Rav Zera was alive, his constant message was.' To these thugs, to these hooligans, His message was very simple: I know this is not who you are. And as long as he was alive, what did they have? They had a rebbe that kept saying to them, "I know this is not who you are." And when he died, finally, all the seeds that he had planted for all those years suddenly began to sprout. Why? Because it was shocking to them. Not to have a rebbe in their life that said to them how precious they were.

13:50 It shocked them. They said, "Who's davening for us?" These were not the guys that when you looked at them you thought they care about tefillah. They didn't look like if the chachamim said we have to keep them away. I promise you, these were not just kids or people that were doing stam things. These were the lowest of the low. But as long as they had a rebbe that was davening for them, they felt connected and other rabbis valued his tefillah. But what happens when he died? Who's going to daven for us now? All of what Rav Zera implanted into these people finally came due. And I want you to think about this for a second. Rav Zera was a lone wolf. Rav Zera was against the chachamim. The chachamim are the rabbim. Rav Zera was the yachid. Imagine what it was like to be Rav Zera. Imagine what it was like to be Rav Zera.

14:36 Let's picture the scene. Rav Zera lives in his town. And he's, of course, the great Rav Zera. Nobody disputes his genius. Nobody disputes his brilliance. Nobody disputes his Yerusha'ayim. But you know what it was in that time? People said about Rav Zera, he's good. I imagine this is the way it would have sounded in yeshivas when Talmidim tend to say these things. It's a terrible thing, but Talmidim tend to talk about like the Russian yeshiva. Lameisa, he's a good maggid shir. It's true, he's a tremendous talmudchachem. He's a yairi shamayim. I'll never reach his toes. But here comes the little bit of lashon hara. You should know, I heard from other gedolim. He's nisht fununzer. He's not one of us. He's the type to draw these people in. He's the type to take these people that are off the derech and take them in. L'maisa, it's very dangerous. They were very frum. I promise you, these talmidim. They were the frumest of the frum. This is the way they spoke about Rav Zera.

15:39 One man against the many, and all in all of Talmud. You saw that, even today, people talk about like Rav Shmuel Arbach Shita, Rav Aaron Leib Steinman Shita, Rav Chaim Kaniewski Shita. What was Rav Yashiv Shita? Everyone talks about shitas. Until Rav Zera passed away, nobody knew. Nobody knew that he was right, and only after his death was there this massive tshuva movement. All those people that he took in, what happened to them after he died? Everyone would have naturally assumed they would have just drifted off. But it was just the opposite. All of a sudden, they were chayzer b'tzuvah, and the entire Jewish world was looking at these kids and going, "Wow, Rav Zera was right the whole time." Why? What was the godless of Rav Zera? I'll tell you the godless of Rav Zera. The godless of Rav Zera is when everybody looked at these kids, they saw thugs. When everybody looked at these kids, they saw Ganavi. When everybody looked at these kids, they saw that kid that was doing that avera.

16:40 Wherever he was, he found himself in the shuk. He found himself in this street. They looked at the kids, and what did they see? As a varian, but not Rev Zera. When Rev Zera looked at these kids, he saw just the opposite. Everybody else in the world saw their avera, and Rev Zera said, "I'm telling you, I see deeper. It's not who they are. They just need to be drawn close. Once they're drawn close, you're going to see their mamish is going to take off. Their mamish is going to fly." And he was right. And Rav Zera teaches us something unbelievable: Don't look. Don't fall for it. Don't fall for the trap. Don't look at the outside. Don't look at what a person is doing and judge them. Don't look at what a person is wearing and judge them. Don't look at this button and this inch. Don't look at that. It doesn't tell you a thing about who a person is. Doesn't even tell you the smallest thing. You'll see if they'll have a Rebbe. That will draw them close and remind them. As R' Shlomo Freifeld, Zchus Yagunalein, used to say. And he'll remind them who they really are. You'll see they could do mamish unbelievable things.

17:46 It's an unbelievable medrash. We all know that Yosef Hatzadik finds himself in the house of Eshas Potifar, and everybody in the house was away that day. Eshas Potifar had been trying to seduce him for the longest time. One day she finally manages to succeed. The Tispeseyu bebigdo, and she grabs him by his beged. What happens? We know he sees the image of Yaakov Avinu in the window. What does he do? He runs naked in the streets of Mitzrayim. Ultimately, Eshter Potifar cries out that Yosef was trying to take her inappropriately. And Yosef HaTzaddik ends up in jail. V'tispeseu bebigdo. She grabbed him by his beged. What does it mean? She grabbed him by his beged, just like the Gemara says by Esav. That Esav, when you say beged, what does it mean? By his rebelliousness. What did Esau's Potifar say to Yosef Hatzadik on that day? V'tispeseu bebigdo. She grabbed him by the beged. Listen carefully to what that means. She said to him, "You're not so frum. You're not so frum." He was trying to get away from her. But Lamaisa, if you look at the Gemara

18:57 What does the Gemara say? Yosef HaTzaddik was in the middle of that avera. She said to him, 'Look at you! You're not so frum.' She grabbed him by the baget. 'You're not so frum. Look at the avera that you did.' But in that moment, from that rebelliousness, what does Yosef HaTzaddik do? He manages somehow to get the strength to run naked into the streets of Mitzrayim. How? The Medrash says that when it came to Kriyas Yamsuf, before Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the water, He said to them, 'There's going to be a time that I'm going to need you to split for Klal Yisrael.' And the Yamsuf said to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, 'Who are these souls that you want me to split for?' So Hakadosh Baruch Hu brought the souls of Klal Yisrael, these pristine, elevated souls that were Achelak Alakamimal, and He showed them to the Yam Suf. The Yam Suf said, 'Wow. To split for these souls would be the greatest privilege in the world.' And with that, Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the Yam Suf. Many years later, now Klal Yisrael is standing on the banks of the river. We're about to experience Yitsiyas Mitzrayim, and the sea refuses to split.

20:14 Until what? Until it sees the Atzmos Yosef. What does the Atzmos Yosef mean? The bones of Yosef. The bones of Yosef, and then the sea splits. What in the world is the Medrash talking about? So I heard an unbelievable pshat. When Klal Yisrael came after hundreds of years in Mitzrayim to the Yamzuf, the Yamzuf was ready to split. The Yamzuf was waiting since the day it was created. The Yamzuf was waiting for these Jews to come along. That it's going to have this unbelievable privilege to split for these Jews. And when they finally showed up, what did the Yamzuf see? Balei Avaydazara. People who had fallen to the lowest levels of tumah, and the yamso said, "I can't believe that these are the souls that Hakadosh Baruch Hu showed me once upon a time. It doesn't make any sense to me." And he refused to split until what? Until it saw the atzmos Yosef. And it's not accidental that the word atzmos, the bones, comes from the word etzem, which means essence.

21:20 Why? Because Yosef had tzaddik. We call him Yosef had tzaddik. Do we call anybody else had tzaddik? Yosef. We don't call Avram had tzaddik. We don't call Yitzchak had tzaddik. We don't call Yaakov had tzaddik. We call Yosef had tzaddik. Why? Yosef had tzaddik. What made him Yosef had tzaddik was v'tispeyu bebigdo. She grabbed him by his rebellion. She said to him, "You're not so from." And in that moment, in the moment of his lowest avera, what does Yosef had tzaddik realize? It's not who I am. When she was saying to him, "You're not so from" It was a moment of clarity for Yosef HaTzaddik. I am not proud of where I am right now. I'm not proud of what I'm doing right now. From the lowest moments of your life will come the greatest heights you'll ever attain. And if you don't believe me, look around. Everybody's got a story.

22:11 One time, going back a very long time ago, maybe 17 or 18 years ago. I went to visit a chaver of mine in Mir Yeshiva. I walked into the Mir Bais Medrash to see this friend, an older guy. Today is a very chashev rav in Yerushalayim. He was an old chaveruza of mine. I'm walking through the Bais Medrash, and I notice to my right. The guy sitting and learning. I remember this guy. He was the captain of a hockey team back in the day. He was the captain of a hockey team. It was hard for me to recognize him because when I knew him, he looked a little bit differently. He was dressed a little bit differently and had hair a little bit longer. Look who's learning in the mirror. I went a couple rows further and I looked to my left. I remember I was in class with him. I went and every couple of rows, I noticed another guy who was once upon a time one of these guys that when you looked at them in high school, you said.

23:14 No way that guy would ever be learning in Mir Yeshiva. What's the pshat? From the lowest moments in your life come the clarity of who you really are. That's why the greatest guys, like the biggest loamdim, the biggest talmidei chachamim, almost always when you speak to them, they have an unbelievable story. Did I tell you about a talmud of mine? One summer, a boy came to me and said, 'Rebbe, I'm ready to take a step up in my high school.' Did I tell you this story? A boy came to me. He wasn't a boy who had done much in high school. He came to us for the summer, and Baruch Hashem, he got really into it. And he said, 'Rebbe, I want to join. I want to join the top she'er this year.' But this Rebbe, he's so high. He's on such a high level, like not just in terms of his learning.

24:10 But in terms of who he is, Rebbe, I'm afraid he won't get me. Rebbe, I'm a guy that, for the last couple of years, I've been talking to girls. For the last couple of years, I've been involved in certain things. This is a part of who I am. And even though, yes, Baruch Hashem, I'm ready to take that step up, I feel like I need to have a Rebbe who could understand me. So I said, 'What's this Rebbe's name?' So he told me the Rebbe's name. So I started cracking up, and I said to him, "It's okay, you can go to that she'er." So he goes. I said it's okay. You can go to the shir. Trust me, he'll understand. He said, "But Rebbe, you don't understand." I said, "You don't understand. Trust me, you can go to the shir." Because I remember when he was expelled from high school. I remember when he was doing the craze of all of my friends in ninth and tenth grade. He was by far the craziest. I don't just mean crazy in terms of like he was a lunatic and class disruptive. He was doing things that in ninth grade nobody was doing in ninth grade. He was my first friend that I remember doing these crazy things. Today, if you looked at him, you wouldn't know. And so this kid was like, "No way, Rebbe, he's a lot."

25:17 It's okay, you can go to his she'er. Because it was from his begida. It was from his rebellion that he became who he is. It's an interesting thing when you look through. And I always see this when you look at the boys who are in the olive she'er. Those boys are always good. They always become the balabatim. They're doing good things in their life. But if you want to know who becomes the rashi yeshiva, if you want to know who becomes the rebbeim, look at the kids that get in trouble in high school. They do the most amazing things. You know that famous line: the A kids are there to challenge the teachers, the B kids are there to challenge the A kids, the C kids are there to pay tuition, and the D kids are there to pay the endowment. One day when the school needs to be endowed, who's going to pay for it? It's going to be those lowest level kids. Because those kids are mamish crazy. I once heard Charlie Harari speak. Charlie Harari was talking about the fact that his seat was in the principal's office. That's where he was. He had a makom kavua in the principal's office.

26:17 And today, who in the world hasn't heard in the Orthodox Jewish world and beyond? Who hasn't heard of Charlie Harari? Those kids that spend the most time in the principal's office are the greatest kids. They just need somebody to look at them and say, 'I know this is not who you are. I know on the outside you're behaving like this, but on the inside, it's not who you are.' I don't know why I did this. My brother and I were having dinner with my parents. My youngest brother and I were having dinner with my parents last week before my mother went to America. My mother went to America to help my grandmother. Knei Neharah. She's almost 90 years old. She'll be 90 this January. So my brother and I were having dinner at my parents' house. My mother—again, I don't know why we did this—made the mistake of saying something like, 'I know what you guys were doing in high school.'

27:12 You have to understand, I've been holding this in for 25 years. 'But something like a ruach sh'tos came into my head, and I decided to tell my mother, 'You have no idea what I was doing in high school.' And my brother jumped on the bandwagon, and we spent an hour telling my mother, 'Do you remember when I told you this? Let me tell you what was really happening. Do you remember that you thought this? Let me tell you what was really happening.' An hour later, I went home. I got a text from my brother in the car. I think we broke mom. I think we broke her. I said we shouldn't do that anymore. My mother doesn't know this. And God willing, she's not listening to this year. We were holding back. We're holding back. She doesn't need to know everything. My mother, she was so innocent. She managed didn't know, and I remember her calling up the school and saying, "My son would never do that." I remember coming home and telling my mother, "You're right. I never would do that." I don't know how they could even accuse me? B'chayim, as they say, B'chayim. How could they even accuse me? My mother, she believed in me so much. I feel so badly. And she believed in me, so she let me know my son would never do that.

28:30 You just didn't know your son. My son would never do that. You know what it means to grow up with a mother that believes in her kid that much? Even though I knew the shegits that I was, my mother believed in me. That's an unbelievable thing. When the Atzmus Yosef came to the Yamsuf, the communication was: Are you really judging these souls by their external behavior? Because if you looked at me, if you judged me by my external behavior, what would it have looked like? I was with Ashes Potifar. Her husband was out of the house. I took advantage of the situation. I fell in Mitsrayim. I was one of the Shvatim. But were it not for the fact that I saw my father in the window, I mamish would have gone through with it. But be'etsem. It's not who I was. In my essence, it's not who I was. And from the fact that she grabbed me by my rebellion, I was able to say, 'This is not who I am.' From your lowest moments, from the moments that you're most embarrassed by in your life, you know what you're going to say: 'This is not who I am.'

29:40 It's reich chodesh kislif. Yesterday and today is reich chodesh kislif. I think many of us find ourselves with a certain feeling at this time of year. And the feeling is, and I'm going to put it into my own words. If this resonates with you, great. And if it doesn't resonate with you, that's also okay. The feeling is, who am I? Who am I? There's two versions of ourselves this year. I'll tell you what it looks like, at least to me. The girls, Kanai Nahara, come. They get off the plane. And they have a glimpse into what inspiration looks like. Rosh Hashanah, Aseres Yemei Tshuva, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchas Torah. Could be. Probably not anybody in this room, but it could be that some girls Maybe they had some things they did when they first got here that they're not so proud of. Could be. I'm sure there were at least a couple of moments when you were sitting here in the holy streets of Yerushalayim, I'm sure there was a part of you that said, 'There's something very awesome about this.' I heard that incredible she'er. I had a davening like I've never seen a davening like that in my life. Maybe the tunes were a little bit different, but I saw people really davening. I felt the avira of tshuva in the air. Simchas Torah was unbelievable.

31:10 I heard all the unbelievable Simchas Beis Hashoeva's on Sukkot. Maybe there was a part of you that said, 'Maybe that's who I am.' Maybe I'm a person that hears an inspirational shirt and says, "Yeah, I'm in." Maybe I am that person. But then, we start up again after Sukkot. The girls come back, and what starts to set in after a week or two. This happens every year. After a week or two, probably not everybody, but some girls feel like, I don't know, am I really going to do an entire year of this? You ever have that feeling? I see some of you are smiling. I appreciate you letting me know that you are in that group. Thank you for those that are smiling. I hear it. I hear it in yeshiva. We always see it. There are guys that come and they're on fire. And then what happens after Sukkot? About a week or two after Sukkot, they go, Rabbi, how am I going to do this till Pesach?

32:02 Is this really who I am? Am I going to be a guy who's sitting in beis medrash till eleven, eleven thirty, twelve o'clock at night? Probably not. So what am I doing? And there are some guys every year that fall off. And they say maybe this yeshiva isn't for me. Maybe I should go somewhere else. But you should know that in those moments of those questions of Cheshvan, where there's no yamim tovim and there's nothing but gevura, there's nothing but all the chesed of Tishrei is passed. All we have is that gevura. All we have now is the nothingness. If you hold on through the nothingness You arrive in Kislev, and there's something that changes in Kislev, and we see it every year. We see it here in seminary. We see it in yeshiva every year. It goes like this: for those girls that make it, for those girls that make it through Cheshvan, they now have the following question to ask themselves: Who am I? Am I the person of inspiration when I first got here? The person that heard that shir and said, "Oh, maybe this year I am going to take it to the next level," or am I the person of the last couple weeks that, when it got dark outside, said, "Isn't it depressing?"

33:06 It's a depressing thing when it turns dark outside. At 4:30, no. You're sitting in class. Maybe not for you, but for me, yeah. It gets dark at 4:30 and you feel like my kids haven't yet adapted to daylight saving. So my daughter is still coming in at 6 o'clock in the morning to say good morning to us. It's so early in the morning to wake up with her and then it gets dark. It can be a little depressing. But I want to teach you something. What's the aside of Kislev? The aside of Kislev is very simple. The sight of Kislev is light in the darkness. In Judaism, the moon is more powerful than the sun. Why? Because we're not trying to chase away the dark. We're trying to illuminate the dark. There's a difference. There are some people. They're trying to be sun people. They're trying to. Everything should be up all the time. Everything should be amazing all the time. It's not real. It's not normal. Life is not like that. Sometimes it's dark. Sometimes I'm pashat, not in the mood. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the last thing in the world I want to do is get up and daven. The last thing in the world I want to do is get up and come to class.

34:12 But in those moments, in that moment of begida, you have a choice. In that moment of rebelliousness, you have a choice. What's the choice? The choice is who am I? The choice is to say that from that feeling of nothingness, the fact that I chose to stay loyal says a lot about who I really am. I remember the day. I remember the day I decided I was going to take my Judaism seriously. It was a Shabbos morning. I had told my parents that I was going to New Jersey for Shabbos. So of course, if you tell your parents that you're going to New Jersey for Shabbos, where are you really going? Six blocks away. I parked the car in this person's garage six blocks away. Why didn't I tell my parents I was going? Because it's better to say nothing than to get a no. Why wasn't it like why didn't I tell my parents? Because it was as they say. I think this is the terminology they still use. It was an open house that Shabbos. An open house. Familiar with this terminology?

35:27 I remember. Not familiar. Good for you. I remember. There was a girl that lit Shabbos candles that Friday night. I remember thinking it was the funniest thing in the world that she lit Shabbos candles. There was no Shabbos that Shabbos. There was nothing Shabbosic about that Shabbos. Shabbos morning, sitting on the couch. And without getting into any details because it's mamish, Not nageya, not even a little bit. A guy walks by me. Not a guy I was friends with. Not a guy that I was particularly close with. But a guy that I knew. And he was upset with me about something that happened the night before. It doesn't matter what it was, but he looked at me with disdain and real anger. By the way, he was totally justified. He looked at me and he says to me, "What are you doing?" What are you doing?

36:26 And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never felt this way before. And he just walked by me. He just walked by. That was it. I sat there on the couch and was comatose for the next couple of hours. Mamish couldn't say a word. Guys were coming over to me. They said, "You okay?" I said, "Yeah, I just need some space." I sat there for hours. That afternoon, I decided to leave the house. I got up. I left. I went. I don't know why, Adar Yom Azay, I don't know why, but I went to a shul called Shari Tefila, which was right down the block from where I was staying. I walked into the shul and they were just about to daven mincha, so I davened mincha with them. Which was totally like, if you're thinking about where I was coming from to daven mincha, was mamish a journey.

37:23 Now I'm sitting at the end of mincha. Sitting at the end of mincha, I have a choice. If I go back to the house, I know what it means. I know what it means to go back to that house—this is who I am. I have nowhere to go though. I can't go back to the house. I have nowhere to go. So what did I do? I walked home. I walked into the house. My mother was sitting there with our next door neighbor. My mother looks at me. Her jaw drops and she says to me, "What are you doing here? I thought you were in New Jersey." So listen to the lie that I told my mother. Mom, I lied to you. I told you I was going to New Jersey because I didn't want you to say no because I was going to a friend whose parents weren't home. But things over Shabbos were making me feel really uncomfortable.

38:16 So I decided to leave. Why is that an awesome lie? Because my mother was so proud of me. She said he lied. But he knew enough to get out of a bad situation, and ultimately he told the truth, and it worked. She was so proud of me. I would say Matzei Shabbos, but at the time it was Saturday night. Saturday night, my friends called me. They said, 'What happened to you? You disappeared.' I said, 'Yeah, I just had to get out of there. I wasn't feeling it.' Sunday, my friends called me up. They said, 'You want to come out with us?' I said, 'You know, I'm just going to take a day to chill.' I called a friend of mine. His name is Eli Aloni. If you ever go to Malay Adumim, you might run into Eli Aloni. I called a friend of mine that Sunday. He was a guy that I just came back from Shunabed in Israel. He was a star guy. He was a ball player. I looked up to him. He was a really cool guy.

39:08 I said to him, Eli, I got to talk to you. Can we make some time, like over camp tomorrow? We make some time to just talk. He said, Yeah, no problem. Tomorrow morning, two hours. I'm usually learning. I'll call my chavruta and I'll tell him that I'm dedicating it to you. That Monday morning, I came to camp. I sat down with Eli and I said to him, 'Eli, I got to tell you what happened over Shabbos. I told him the whole story. I told him everything that I had done over the last four years. And this is what he said to me. He said, 'I want you to come to my house for Shabbos next week.' My mother won't be home for Shabbos. It's going to be me and some of the older guys in camp. These really cool guys that I looked up to, ball players, frum guys. All these guys were returned from Israel. Come to my house. We're making something called Buserfest.

39:53 I said, "What is buserfest?" That sounds awesome. He said, "Buserfest is when you have to bring enough meat for you and five people." So I said, "Explain, how does that work? Like, how do you know what's five people?" He said, "Well, if you're bringing steak, you have to bring five steaks. If you're bringing burgers, you have to bring ten burgers. If you're bringing hot dogs, you have to bring fifteen hot dogs. You have like a whole system. If you're bringing wings, you got to bring like forty wings. Like everybody had like their like system." I said, "Okay." It sounds amazing. I went home. I told my mother. I said, "Mom, I'm going to buserfest this Shabbos at Ellie's house." We need to go out. We need to buy meat. My mother asked me. She's like, 'Should I buy a dessert?' I called Ellie. He's like, 'There's no dessert, dude. There's nobody makes it to dessert. You don't have to buy dessert.' And then my mother said, 'Again, she's such a cute woman. She, mom, she's such. She's so precious.' She said to me. She said, 'Listen, I know last week you were really uncomfortable. You said to me, 'His parents aren't going to be home.'

40:50 You think this is a good idea? So I said to my mom, "Mom, don't worry. These are like the post. These are the guys you want me hanging out with. These are the post Israel guys." Okay, fine. Friday comes after camp. We all head out to Long Beach. I'm feeling like, okay, this is awesome. I'm post 12th grade. I'm going to Israel. I'm hanging out with all these cool older guys. Many of them ended up in like Chinuch, Rabbanus, unbelievable guys. And they cooked all the meat. There were two turkey bins. Full of meat. You understand how big a turkey bin is? Two turkey bins overflowing with meat comes Friday night. And Ellie says, "we're davening in the house. Kabbalah Shabbos in the house." I'm like, "I'm down." I had never had a Kabbalah Shabbos like that in my life. Dancing, singing, Ruach. Guys were really with kavana, and I was sitting there looking around, going, "Wow, this is amazing." Then came time for kiddush, Challah, and then kamuvan. All the lechaimes came out. So I say, this is a lot like last week. It's a lot like last week. They brought out the two turkey basins full of meat, and the strangest thing happened.

41:54 All of a sudden, these guys— they weren't drinking inappropriately. They were saying d'var Torah, and they were singing. They were getting really into it. This one guy—I can't say his name— one guy who Arayam is, I'm still close with. I remember he started to cry. He was a little bit tipsier than most, and he started to cry. He's a crier anyway. And he's also a lightweight, but it doesn't matter. He's a good guy. He's a chashev raf today, but lemais he's a lightweight. So he starts to cry, and I remember he looks. He looked at me, and there were two other guys that were pre-Israel. He says, "I'm so envious of you guys. The last two years of my life have been awesome, and I wish I could go back. And you guys are about to start this journey. I'm so jealous." And then one after another, every one of these post-Israel guys started to cry.

42:49 And this was totally not like the previous week. You understand? And I'm sitting there and going, "This is unbelievable." And the z'miros, and the meal probably went without exaggeration, maybe till one, two o'clock in the morning. Just z'miros, the vaytaira, crying, giving each other brachos. It was almost incredible. Woke up the next morning. Everybody went to shul. Everybody davened. Shabbos afternoon, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, where was I last week?" Shabbos afternoon, Ellie hands me a book, small little book. It was the first safe I had cracked in years. And he looks at me and he says, "Here, learn this. It's a gift." And he handed me a book called "Strive for Truth," which is a translation of Miklof Meliyah from Rav Desler. I started to read it, and the concept spoke to my heart. And I said, "I'm in. I'm in. I'm in." This is who I want to be. Last week I felt miserable. Last week when that boy said to me, "What are you doing?" What I heard him say is not "What did I do to him the night before?" Which was wrong. I heard much more than that. What are you doing with your life?

43:54 It got to my atzmus. It got to who I was. And in that moment of begida, in probably the worst Shabbos I've ever had of my life, in that moment I decided, I'm out. I'm out. Every rebbe who judged me from the outside all those years, every rebbe, they had no idea that I wasn't proud of myself. They had no idea that this is who I wanted to be. Of course, there were those great rebbeim. There were those great rebbeim that it didn't matter what you did on the outside; they still believed in you. One of them, I'll tell you his name. He wasn't a rebbe that I had so much to do with, but he was a rebbe who had a tremendous amount to do with my friend. His name is Rabbi Axelrod. Anybody here from Woodmere?

44:36 Rebbe Axelrod is the rebbe of young Israel Woodmere. Back in the day, he was a high school rebbe in my high school. My closest friend was in his shir. I want to tell you something: this guy was mamish and mechal Shabbos. He didn't keep kosher. He was doing drugs. He was the whole nine yards. If there was an avera to be done, he was doing it. You should know he was thrown out of yeshiva in Israel. He was sent up to Tzfat. He did nothing after he came back from Israel. He was mamish doing nothing. This rebbe, Rebbe Axelrod, he stayed with him for all the years. Today, Baruch Hashem, my friend is an Orthodox Jew. He's a clean guy who's doing great things with his life. But I want to tell you that if you asked him what held you all of those years, he would say, Rabbi Axelrod. The fact that Rabbi Axelrod never gave up on me—that's what held me all of these years. When the Atzmus Yosef presented themselves to the Yamsuf, the Yamsuf said, It's true. On the outside, these don't look like the souls that I met all those years ago. But on the inside, yeah, I could see.

45:39 The Atzma She'Yishev teaches us who we really are. I want to finish up by telling you two ideas from the Chidusha Arim, and then we'll finish the Shir. Chidusha Arim says, 'Why didn't Rivka communicate with Yitzchak? Why didn't she tell him?' You should give the brachos to Yaakov, like a good wife. Communicate. Chidush Erim says the most unbelievable pshat. The brachos that Yaakov received were not for Yaakov Avinu. Weren't for Yaakov Avinu. They were for Jews throughout history and a specific type of Jew, a Yaakov on the inside, but an Asav on the outside. That's who the brachos were for. For the Jews who, deep on the inside, knew who they really were, but on the outside they behaved like an Asav. That's who the brachos were for. Rivka could not tell Yitzchak to give the brachos to Yaakov because the brachos weren't for Yaakov. They were for Yaakov Avinu on the inside and Asav on the outside. That's who needs the brachos all those years, not the good kids.

46:47 Not the kids who are sitting in yeshiva and not the seminary girls that they're always like the frumest edel maidel, putting on airs in front of everybody. Those girls don't need it. It's like for us, for those of us who on the inside are one way, but on the outside are a different way. That's who the brachas are for. And Chedushi Arim says an unbelievable pshat. Why did Yitzchak love Esav? Kitzayid b'fiv. What does kitzayid b'fiv mean? Because he had entrapment in his mouth. Says the Chedushi Arim, You're reading it wrong. Ki doesn't mean because; it means so that. What does it mean? Chazal say la'asid lava. As Mashiach gets closer and closer, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to look at Klal Yisrael. And Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to say to Klal, Is going to say Klal Yisrael is unworthy. And he's going to come to Avram and he's going to come to Yaakov. And Avram and Yaakov are going to say, "You're right, Klal Yisrael is unworthy." But only one of the Avos, Yitzchak, is going to stand up for Klal Yisrael. And he's going to say

47:45 I loved my son Esav. I loved my son Esav through all the treachery, through all the rebelliousness. I loved my son Esav. So you, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, when you look at Klal Yisrael and you see their averos, remember I loved my son Esav, and you should love Klal Yisrael. Kitzayyid befiv means listen carefully, so that one day Yitzchak will have a trap for Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to want to come, and he's going to say, 'You are unworthy. Look what you've done.' And Yitzchak will look at you, and he will say I loved Esav. Hakadosh Baruch Hu, I loved Esav. There's a Yaakov Avinu on the inside. That's what Yitzchak saw, the godless of Esav. And now I'm going to tell you something unbelievable. What did Yaakov look like? If you picture Yaakov and you picture Esav, what do we think? We think Esav was mamish like a WWE wrestler. Like one of those behemoth gassas that he's just ripped from every muscle in his body. And Yaakov Avinu, we picture some skinny little yeshiva guy with some waspy beard, like some little one, and he's sitting in the corner.

48:46 He's got his wrists that had the capacity to dig out every kafet in the Gemara. And he barely eats. And that's what we think of Yaakov, no? And this one was huge, and this one was tiny. Sagt Rav Hirsch Why was Rivka so shocked that she had twins? He says she wasn't shocked that she had twins. She went to Shame and Shame told her she was having twins. When she heard from Shame that one of them was going to be the nation, Balle Avayd Zara. And one of them was going to be the nation that was going to serve Hashem Baruch Hu. She imagined that she was going to have fraternal twins. They weren't going to look alike. Why was she shocked? Because they were identical twins. Yaakov and Esav, Rav Hirsch says, were identical twins. Never in our lives did we picture that. Yaakov was less developed. Esav was more developed. That's what it means that he had a ruddy complexion. He was a more developed child. They looked exactly the same.

49:52 When Yitzchak saw Esav, who did he see? He saw Yaakov. He saw what could be. That's why he loved him. It's true on the outside. He knew who he was. Yitzchak wasn't a fool. All those little Medrash says stories that we grew up with that Yitzchak didn't know who Esav was. Yitzchok knew who Esav was. But that's what was great about Esav. The best kids are always the ones that are messed up when they're younger. Just hold on tight, you'll see. I can't say who. Today there's a very famous Rav. You'll see why I can't say who in a minute. I didn't ask him Rishus. I could ask him Rishus. Maybe I will ask him Rishus, but not for today. I remember when he was expelled from high school. I remember him sitting on the front steps of his house playing guitar. And today he's world famous. If I told you his name, every one of you would go, "Oh my God, for real?" Expelled in 11th grade, he wasn't allowed back. He sat playing guitar on the front steps of his house. I remember going by his house and he's just sitting there playing guitar.

50:52 He's amazing. He's an amazing person. I want you to know he hasn't changed even a little bit. When you talk to him, he has not changed even a little bit. He's still the same crazy kid that he was when he was 16 years old. But today, Baruch Hashem, he's doing amazing things with him. Rav Weinberger tells an amazing story. He says he was a rebbe in Ezra Academy. Ezra Academy is a school for kids who are not yet observant. So there was a kid in his class. He said he was a known ganef. He was a known thief. And Rav Weinberger had a big van. He had a lot of children. Those big yeshivish vans with square passenger side and driver side mirrors. He said sometimes his wife would be driving the car, and because it was a big car, sometimes she would accidentally knock into the side of a building and take off one of the mirrors. He said one time this Ganif walked into his class, and he looks at him and he goes, Rabbi, I got you a mirror for your car.

51:47 Don't worry, I installed the mirror on your car. Rvaimberger looks at him and he goes, Where'd you take the mirror from? Rabbi, don't worry about it. I took care of you. Mirrors installed on the side of your car. He's not going to press the kid. He's not telling where he's come from. He's in the middle of teaching his lesson and the principal of the school walks in and she looks at this Ganef and she says to him, 'What did you do with my mirror?' And Rav Weinberger said, "I knew he took it from somewhere." And he looks at this principal and he says to her, 'Listen, I understand you're the principal.' But he's the Rebbe. He's the principal, but he's the Rebbe. The Rebbe can't have a car that's not working. If Weinberger says today that boy has been learning in Lakewood, he's a Balam Machaber of Sfarim. He's a serious Talmachachem.

52:39 And he's still a Ganef. He doesn't steal people's things, but he's a Ganef for time. He didn't lose who he was. He channeled who he was. He didn't stop being the Ganef. He just took that same midah and he's using it. He's serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu with it. It's from our begida that we learn who we really are. That's what Yitzchak loved about Esav. So now let's go back to our original question. What was Rivka so afraid of? She wasn't afraid of having an Esav. Having an Esav, we can learn how to parent. What if it's one kid? What if it's a kid that when he passes by the base Avodah Zara, he's one way, and when he passes by the beis medrash, he's another way? How will we teach this kid who he truly is? So when she came to Shame, she was asking a chinuch question: How do you raise a confused child? And Shame said to her, 'It's not a confused child. This kid wants Avodah Zara. It's two separate kids. Deep inside that kid, deep.'

53:49 Asif will have the capacity to be unbelievable. Riffka says, "That I can handle. If the kid tells me who he is, we can work. Confusion is much more difficult." We're holding now, Resh Chedesh Kislav girls. What's your life going to look like in three months from now? In four months from now? In five months from now? Because what you do over the next three, four, five months of your life counts. It's real life now. The decisions you make now will impact who you are when you go back to America. They will impact who you are two, three years from now. Which person you decide to marry, what community you decide to raise your children in. These decisions matter. The question is, who are you? Are you the Tishrei version of yourself? The one that came inspired, looking for that inspiration, or are you the Cheshvan one, the one who it's dark outside, and there's no Yamim Tovim in sight. The choice is ours. We should be zayif to choose life.