Parshas Toldos - Every Action Comes With A Feeling, Every Feeling Comes From A Need

2:30 And if not I'll split them with you, half for me, half for you. And if you can't hold any of it, I'll take it all. This is the Gemara on Shabbos. What a strange Gemara. Yitzchak is the last person of the Avos that we would have expected to have this personality. Avram Vino is Chesed. We would have expected Avram Avinu to be the great defender of Klal Yisrael. Yaakov Avinu is emes. We would have expected Yaakov Avinu to be a great defender of Klal Yisrael. But Yitzchok's midah is the midah of din. Of strict discipline Strict, strict justice. So it's Yitzchok of all of the avos that's the one that argues on behalf of Klal Yisrael. It's very strange, and these arguments are very funny. When we actually think of the arguments, what is he saying? First of all, they're my children as much as they're your children.

3:27 And how many averes did they really do? Half the time they were sleeping, half the time they were eating, half the time they were using the bathroom. The first twenty years they're not punished. What type of strict justice argument is this? This doesn't sound like Yisroch Avinu. Yisroch Avinu would have come and he would have said, "if this is the punishment, if sorry, if this is the avera, this is the punishment." This doesn't sound like Yisrochavenu. The entire Gemara is very strange. That's one question. We're going to ask a lot of questions before we do anything tonight. Like a lot. Like a lot. You're really going to have to come with me for a journey on this one. Second question. Why did Yisroch love Esav? Because they were opposites. That's a nice pshat. We grew up learning that, right? Opposites attract. It makes you feel good about your shaduchim when you marry a guy that's the exact opposite, and all the girls are looking and going, 'Really, him?' Opposites attract. Like makes us feel better about ourselves.

4:28 The pasuk says why. The pasuk says Kitsayed b'fiv. Yitzchak loved Esav. Kitsayed b'fiv. What does kitsayed b'fiv literally mean? Literally, it means because he had game in his mouth. Tzayed b'fiv. He had game in his mouth. Which means, on a literal level, which is not to be understood on a literal level, or I should say, not only on a literal level, it means that Esav fed Yitzchak. So Yitzchak loved Esav because he fed him. Chazal were bothered by this. Chazal said, "That can't be. What does that even mean?" So Chazal understood it differently. They said, "Kitzayid befiv" means that Esav had game in his mouth. Meaning Esav was a liar And he tricked Yitzchak into thinking that he was somebody who he wasn't. So we know that Esav, for example, I am going to ask a lot of questions. You hold off on your questions. Trust me, by the end you'll have much more questions than right now. Yitzchak would go over to Yitzchak and he would say, 'Can you tie salt?' Like he acted like he was a very big tzaddik. So now the pasuk seems to be saying that Yitzchak loved Esav. Why? Because Esav convinced Yitzchak that he was somebody that he wasn't.

5:41 But there is a problem with this. There's a big problem with this. Yitzchak knew exactly who Esav was. If you look through all the Mamari Chazal, you'll see that Yitzchak was well aware that Esav was a Rasha Marusha. We know that Esav married women that Yitzchak didn't approve of. We know that Yitzchak was aware that Esav was an idolater. Hold off, What does it mean that Yitzchak was tricked by Esav and that's why he loved him? It doesn't even make any sense. Yitzchak wasn't tricked by Esav. That's our second question for the night. We're going to hit pause. We're going to go back to last week's parsha. This is amazing. There are some amazing questions here. This is really an unbelievable lemaisa lesson. Just stay with me through the questions. I see already some people are having a hard time staying with me through two questions, let alone through five questions. I've only got three questions to go. Can you hang on for three more questions? Who doesn't want to hang on for three more questions? Yeah. Here we go.

6:45 Yismael in last week's parsha did tshuva. Do you know this? When it came to the kivura of Avram Avinu, when it came to the burial of Avram Avinu, the pasuk lists that Yitzchak came before Yismael. So Chazal say, here's a raya that Yismael did tshuva because he allowed Yitzchak to go first. Listen to this question from Rav Yechonon's wife. Rav Yechonon's Y asks as follows: He said "Yitzchak was a. I'm sorry, Yisshmael was a murderer. Yisshmael was an idolater. Yisshmael was over on Gilead Raya's But by the Kefura of Avram Avinu, he says to Yitzchak, 'No, after you.' That's tshuva. That's tshuva. Imagine a person is a murderer. I'm hesitant to admit this, but in my family, there's a convicted murderer who was on the cover of Time Magazine. True story. It's like my eighth cousin And I never met the guy in my life, but apparently he was some famous murderer, and my grandmother tells me that his mother still believes that he's innocent. My grandmother told me that, and I can't imagine that after he murdered his wife.

7:57 But he was very polite in jail, and when it came online when they were waiting for food, he said no, no, please, after you, and then the parole board was like, we got to give this guy a second chance at life. Look how polite he is. It's like the Nazis were well mannered also. Was that? Is this the Moshe? I actually have a cousin over here. A cousin? I thought a brother. My brother's a very fine Ben Taira. Chas v'shalom. My gosh. This is how rumors start. Did you hear Berg said his brother's a murderer? I heard he said he doesn't believe in God. We had that once in yeshiva. There was a guy who was convinced that I didn't believe in God, and we had another guy who was like in all of my shirim who was like,"I promise you, Riefberg believes in God." And they had to sit with me the next day. I had to tell him,"It's very complicated." Yes, I gave a shir that he misconstrued in the most possible ways that a person can misconstrue a shir. It doesn't matter.

9:00 So. What does it mean? Yisshmael did tshuva because he allowed Yitzchak to come first. That's tshuva for murder. That's tshuva for idolatry. That's tshuva for gilei arayus. Doesn't make any sense. That's the third question. A fourth question. The pasuk says about Yisshmael, the yad of bakol, the yad kolbo, yad of bakol. His hand is in everything, and yad kolbo, and everyone's hand is in Yisshmael. So what does that mean? Rashi explains. Yad of bakol means that Yisshmael is a ganef. That Yishmael has his hands in everything because he goes around stealing from other people. People attack Yishmael. So there's a question. R' Zwi asks. He says, "Wait a second. It's not symmetrical." Yad Abakol has his hands in everything. What does that mean? Ganeiva. Yad Kolbo. What would you have expected it to mean? Ganeiva. It should be opposite, right? It should be the same exact thing. Yad Kolbo Yismael steals. Everyone steals from him, or Yismael attacks. Everyone attacks from him. Here we see it's asymmetrical. Yad of Akol means that Yismael steals and everyone attacks him. Why the asymmetry? Last question. See, I told you can make it. Last question. Yismael is in the desert. He's about to die.

10:09 The Malachim say to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, we see that you're about to save Yismael. How could you save Yismael? Generations from now, the descendants of Yisshmael are going to kill Klal Yisrael. They're going to torture Klal Yisrael. How could you save Yisshmael? What does Akod Shmavu say? Famous line we all know. We don't judge someone by the future. What do we judge them by? Asher Hu Shum only by the present. Famous question. Yisshmael was in the desert, girls. Why? Because he was a Rasha. Because he tried to kill Yitzchak. Girls, was Yisshmael Chayiv right then and there? Of course he was. So what does Hakadosh Baruch Hu mean when he says, 'I'm only judging him by Asher Hu Sham'? If you're judging by Asher Hu Sham in the present, then he should be guilty. Those are the five questions. So to review very fast: number one, the Gemara says that Yitzchak was the one that came to the defense of Kal Yisroel with these seemingly irrational arguments. That doesn't sound like Yitzchak. Yitzchak is midas Adin. Number two, the pasuk says that Yitzchak loved Esav. Why? Kitzayid b'fiv. Yitzchak was fooled by Yishmael, but I am sorry, by Esav.

11:12 But the truth is, he wasn't fooled by Esav. What does it mean? Number three, when it comes to Yishmael, he did tshuva. Why? After you, did he really do tshuva? Is that called tshuva for murder? Is that called tshuva for idolatry? Of course not. Number four, what does it mean? Yodavakol viad kolbo. Why doesn't it keep it symmetrical? They should either both be ganava or both be attacking. And number five, what does it mean that Hakadosh Baruch Hu only judges Yishmael? Ba'asherhu sham. Even though he was guilty in that moment, Hakadosh Baruch Hu should have been mechayev Yisshma right then and there. There is an amazing story. Some of you know this story But you have to listen very carefully to this story Because this story speaks to a psychological principle that's relevant to every single one of us at every single moment in our lives. It's relevant to the way that we raise ourselves, the way that we educate ourselves, the way we raise our children. This everything.

12:09 The story goes as follows: There was a bandit A bandit who was exceptionally powerful Beyond powerful. He was the strongest man in the world. He jumped from mountain to mountain. He had superhuman capabilities. He saw what appeared to be a woman in the river. He jumped from one mountain to the next to do harm. I'm cleaning it up to do harm to this woman. He gets down to the river and he sees it's not a woman. It's a very beautiful man. And the man was Rav Yochanan. And Rav Yochanan turns to him and he says "Chelcha laayriya Your strength should be used for Torah. You're so strong, you should go sit and learn Torah. The man turns back to him and he says, "Shufreich lanasim" Your beauty is for women. It's a strange response. Rav Yochanan responds and he says If you would do tshuva, you could marry my sister.

13:12 Now, I have a sister. In fact, my sister is actually making a bris tomorrow morning. Her first baby boy was born. The bris is tomorrow, and she's married to a wonderful guy, a British guy who is a Chayal Bodeh in Eretz Yisrael, and they're happily married, and it's beautiful. I love my sister very much. Could you imagine if one day I went on a tayul And I decided to go into a river? We have a lot of rivers here in Eretz Yisrael. Imagine I saw a very powerful man jump from the mountain into the river with intent to do me harm, but because I am so beautiful He realizes, it's not a woman, it's Rev Berg. Because when you've got it, flaunt it. So I'm a son to a man. So that's a terrible joke. Imagine I said to him I've got a great shiduch for you. You could marry my sister.

14:12 What does that say about my relationship with my sister? I don't care about her very much. If a guy is just jumping into the river to do me harm, I said, "I've got a sister for you." But the truth is, the story has a good beginning and a bad end. What happened? The guy said, "Really" Really? If I do tshuva, I can marry your sister? And so the person decided to do tshuva. Not only that, he became a great talmud chacham. In fact, he became Rav Yochanan's kevrousa. And he went by the name of Reish Lakish. This is the story of Reish Lakish. The story has a good beginning. But a very bad end. Let's first explain the beginning of the story. The beginning of the story is that Rav Yochanan saw the power of Reish Lakish and he looked at Reish Lakish and he said.

15:02 Chelch la'iraisa, you have so much power, you have so much strength, you have so much capacity inside of you. If you would only use it wisely. But what did Reish Lakish hear? Reish Lakish heard another Rebbe just telling him You're misguided. You're misplaced. You're not doing it right. Another rebbe who sends him out of the room into the hallway. Another rebbe who tells him he has to do an assignment a hundred times of writing. I will not do whatever. Another rebbe who gives him a suspension or a detention. Another rebbe who expelled him. So reish lakish responded, "shuf rech lanasim." I'm in the wrong place. You're also in the wrong place. You're not any better than me. Rav Yochanan. Because he was an unbelievable educator He heard the pain in Reish Lakish's voice. And he said to him, "No, you don't understand." I wasn't saying you're in the wrong place. I'm inviting you to be a part of my family. I really meant what I said. And here's the psychological principle for the day. Listen carefully because it's everything.

16:04 Every action comes with a feeling. And every feeling comes from a need. I'll say it again. Make sure everybody gets it. See, I know it's working because seminary girls pull out their pens and they go, 'Oh, he said something. We should write it down.' I say it again. Every action comes with a feeling. Every feeling comes from a need. Everything we do Absolutely. Every action comes from a feeling. Every feeling comes from a need. Everything we do comes from somewhere. We do not act randomly. When we do things, good or bad, there's a feeling attached to it. You can unpack that feeling. It's a hard thing to do. To feel your feelings is not a simple thing. When people journal, for example When people are sitting and writing down what's actually going on for them, they have these journal prompts. It's amazing. People go, I was writing, I never realized that's what I was feeling.

17:05 People take time. They start meditating. Things come up for them. They're like, whoa, I never realized that was what I was feeling. You ever get angry and then you blurt something out? You go, whoa, I didn't even realize I had that feeling inside of me. It happens. Every action has a feeling. Every feeling comes from a need. Everything we do comes because we have a need for something. What was Reish Lakish's need? What was Reish Lakish's feeling? What was Reish Lakish's action? So listen carefully. The action was that he jumped from a mountain into a river to do harm. Bad action. What was the feeling? The feeling If you'll allow me to be a little bit speculative here The feeling. Was a scarcity mentality that I am not enough That I'm not okay That I need to abuse women And treat people's property as if it's my own that I could steal, that I could harm. Why?

18:04 Because I'm not okay for myself. Because I'm desperately scared in life. And people who are desperately scared need to push other people down so they can call themselves tall. And that's who Reish Lakish was. He was a hurt child. Because girls, as somebody who's been expelled from school, let me tell you There is nothing worse than being the person that is consistently told, "That's enough of you." "That's enough of you. We can't have you here anymore." That is a terrible, terrible feeling. And the need that Reish Lakish had was to be accepted. That was the need that he had. The need that he had was for somebody, a real somebody, to come along, put their arm around his shoulder, and say to him You are okay. You are enough. We need that external validation in our lives. That's not weakness. That's what parents and rebbeim and teachers and seminaries and high schools, elementary schools, schools and camps are supposed to provide for us. By the time you get to this age, if you've had a good enough upbringing You should feel.

19:08 We hope you feel, and we know that you don't. But we would hope that you would feel a strong sense of self. That's critical in life. The reality is, many of us don't feel that way. Some of us don't feel that way because of the way we were looked at in school. Some of us don't feel that way because of the way we were looked at by friends. Some of us don't feel that way because of things that were going on at home, or things that went on in camp, or the way that a teacher spoke to us. We know that even one wrong word has massive implications. We as rabbis and teachers forget. We think it's a one-liner. We think it's a zing, and then it goes on. But we know that the people we're speaking to—if we actually slow down and think of it—the people that we're speaking to can be deeply hurt by the words that we say. If you say something to your child Recognize that you are an authority figure. You have a massive impact on your children.

19:55 So when you speak to your children in a way that pushes them away, recognize that you are creating a need within them because they don't feel loved. They don't feel accepted. The key word is belonging. And that's what Reish Lakish had. So when Reish Lakish jumped into the river, Rav Yehoshua saw who he really was. He said, "This action is not the action of a rasha. He's done terrible things, but he's not a bad person. He's a hurt person." So he said to him, 'Chelchalai Reisa, you have such amazing strength. Use it for something good. Shuf Rech L'Nashim. I'm misplaced. You're also misplaced. Rav Yehoshua was paying attention. He just said something. He's talking about his feeling of not having a place. What was Riviyachanon's response? It wasn't a lack of care for his sister. He was telling Rish Lakish. There is a place for you.

20:44 There is a place for you. Do tshuva, earn it, become the person you could become. There is a place for you. And Rish Lakish did tshuva, and he became Riviyachanon's chavrusha. And barely a page in Shas goes by where you won't find Rish Lakish's name. But the story has a bad ending. One day, Rish Lakish and Riviyachanon were sitting and learning together. And they were having an argument about when certain items are makabel tuma, and these are items that are used to hurt people. So Rav Yehiyanon says to Reish Lakish, "I guess I should defer to you." After all, this is your area of expertise. So Reish Lakish says to him You think I needed to become frum to get kavod? I got plenty of kavod from being a bandit. They're having a bad conversation. They're talking, but they're not talking to each other. They're talking at each other.

21:35 Rav Yechonon turns to Rav Shlakish and he says, "You don't value the fact that I brought you tachas kantei aschchina, that I gave you yiddishkeit, that I gave you a life." Rav Yechonon got up and walked away and he refused to speak to Rav Shlakish. Rav Shlakish, who is now married to Rav Yechonon's sister, gets sick because his rebbe so deeply disapproves of him and he can't imagine what life is like without his rebbe. Rav Yechonon's sister. Rish Lakish's wife, she runs to Rav Yehoshua and she says, 'Please speak to my husband; he's dying.' And Rav Yehoshua refuses, and Rish Lakish dies. And Rav Yehoshua and himself had to get a new chevrusa, and they brought him a new chevrusa, but it wasn't good. They brought him another chevrusa and another chevrusa, but it wasn't good because the chevrusas that they brought for him

22:19 Every time he would say something, they would say, "Oh, I have a proof that what Rebbe is saying is true. I have a proof that what Rebbe is saying is true." And Rav Yehoshua wasn't interested in the proof. He wanted a chavrusha that would attack him. He wanted a chavrusha that would push him and say, "How could that be true if not for this? How could it be true if not for that? How could it be true because of this?" And then he would have to sharpen his answers and make sure that what he was saying was really true. That's what Rav Yehudah wanted. So they brought in these great chavrushas, and Rav Yehudah cries out, "Hey, Chaat Bar Lekisha! Hey, Chaat Bar Lekisha! Reish Lakish, where have you gone? Reish Lakish, where have you gone?" And Rav Yehudah went insane. And the Chazal at the time they davened that Rav Yehudah should die.

22:58 R' Chaim Shmulevitz says a kasha. How come they didn't daven for him to get better? How come they didn't daven for him to have a refu shleima? R' Chaim Shmulevitz says because without Rish Lakish, R' Yechonon couldn't be sane. He would have become sane. He would have remembered Rish Lakish is dead. He would have gone insane again. The merciful thing was for them to daven that he should die. A terrible ending to the story. What does the ending mean, girls? Think about it. Who was Rish Lakish? He was the ultimate challenging Talmud. Everything, you have these. You've seen these people. Everything that the Rebbe says, wait a second, how could that be true because of this? They need to know everything at once. But you should know, as annoying as it is sometimes to teach those people, they're the best students because they challenge you. They make you better. They make it truer. They're able to sharpen the ideas.

23:45 Resh Lakish could not live; he couldn't live without his Rebbe. He couldn't live without him. If you have someone in your life that puts their arm around you and they tell you, 'I've got you, you're okay.' Your whole life crumbles when they turn around and tell you, 'No, you're not.' Even if you've already become the great Rish Lakish, quoted throughout Shas. Rav Yechonon misunderstood what he was saying. He thought he didn't value Yiddishkeit, so he said, "If you don't value Yiddishkeit, we have nothing to do with each other. I'm not interested in just having a relationship. I'm not a Rebbe who just loves to have relationships with people. I'm in it for real business. I want to learn Torah. You don't value this, fine" But I've got nothing to do with you then. But Reish Lakish couldn't handle it, and he died. Neither could Revi Yechanan. Because a great Rebbe can't live without his Talmud either.

24:32 There's an unbelievable symbiotic relationship that exists between a Rebbe and a Talmud. Every action comes with a feeling, every feeling comes from a need. Revi Yechanan knew that. But as soon as the relationship was over, Reish Lakish couldn't live, and neither could Revi Yechanan. Because Revi Yechanan also had a need. His need was to have a Reish Lakish in his life. Girls, I want you to listen to something that's absolutely amazing, a game changer. The most incredible var that I've ever heard in my life. You have to open your hearts for this. Who was Yishmael? Who was Yishmael? Listen to what Ruzwaih says. His grandfather was Paro. His great grandfather was Nimrod, but we're not even getting into that. His grandfather was Paro. Paro just took Sarah to be his wife. Bad things happened. Paro realized it's Avram's wife, so he returns Sarai to Avram. And what does he say here?

25:28 Take my daughter. What happened? Hagar was the daughter of Paro. He says here, take my daughter. What happened? All of a sudden, Paro wants Hagar to grow up in the great spiritual palace of Avram Avinu. All of a sudden, Paro the Rasha cares about Yiddishkeit. Of course not. Listen to what Paro cared about. Avram Avinu was rich, you know that. Avram Avinu had power; he had defeated the four kings. Avram Avinu had followers. The Meiri says he was mekar of half of the known world. You know why he gave Hagar to Avram Avinu? Because he said this is going to be a political alliance. Hagar is going to get me the power of Avram Avinu. So Hagar goes to the house of Avram Avinu, and ultimately she's successful. She becomes his wife. And now she's in a power play with who? With Sara Imenu. Which one of us will get the power of Avram Avinu? And then she has Yisshmael, and she's victorious, and she's cheeping Sara all the time, and she's saying, 'You don't have the power. I won this game.'

26:38 But think about what it must have been like to be Yisshmael. Think about what it was like to be born and to know, 'I'm not born because my parents love me. I'm born why?' Because my mother wanted to get political power from Avram Avinu. Think about the pain that Yishmael was in. Was Yishmael a bad kid? He certainly did bad things. Says Ruzwaiq, Yishmael was... He was a hurt child who didn't have a mother who loved him. The proof is? When a child is dying, when a child is chas v'shalom in the hospital, dying of cancer, in those final moments, you know who's sitting there holding the child's hand. Chas v'shalom, the mother. She doesn't leave. She's there with the child till his dying breath. And Hagar When Avram Avinu told her that he had to leave the house and they go to the desert, and Yishmael is dying of thirst, what does Hagar do? She does something that no mother in the world could ever do. What did she do?

27:34 She left. What type of mother leaves? A mother who never really cared about her child to begin with. Because the only reason she had Yishmael was to gain power from Avram Avinu, and now she's been thrown out of the house. She has no use for Yishmael. Girls, could you imagine what it was like to be Yishmael? This is an unbelievable new understanding that we never had of Yishmael. What did we know about Yishmael our whole lives? What did we grow up knowing? Yishmael's a rasha. Yishmael's a murderer. He's an idolater. He's over on Gilai Arayas. Yisshual was a hurt kid who didn't have a mother who loved him. Every action comes with a feeling. Every feeling comes from a need. The things that Yisshual did, he didn't do because he was terrible. He did because he didn't know what else to do. So when Yitzchak was growing up What did he do? He took his bow and arrow and started shooting at Yitzchak. Why? Because he's a murderer.

28:26 Because if Yitzchak's alive Then who am I? Do you understand? He wasn't a psychotic person. He was a hurt kid. And that's why the Torah doesn't call him a murderer. What does the Torah say? He was mitzachik, he was scoffing. Why does the Torah say him such a strange way? Because he wasn't a bad person. He was doing bad things, like kids will do. This isn't an extreme, of course, but why? Because his mother Pasha didn't love him. And with this in mind, we can explain that asymmetry that we saw in Rashi. What does it mean? Yadovat kol viyad kol bo. Girls Sometimes kids steal. Because negative attention is better than no attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. I'll tell you a maysa. We had once a boy in yeshiva that took a picture of his roommate's credit card and bought thousands of dollars worth of things on Amazon.

29:21 What a terrible thing to do. But if you think carefully about it, how silly can you be? If you're going to steal your roommate's credit card. Don't buy things on Amazon, because when you buy things on Amazon, you have to ship them somewhere. So it's not terribly difficult to find out who stole the credit card. All you have to do is go look where the things get shipped to. So this father got the credit card statement. The credit card statement had thousands of dollars worth of stuff. He called his son and said, 'What did you buy?' The son said, 'I don't know what you're talking about.' He went onto his Amazon account and saw the address it was all sent to. It was your roommate. So they called me up. So I confronted the kid. So he said, "Yeah, I did it. It was a terrible thing that I did.

30:15 So I spoke to the father, and he said, "Look, as long as he pays me back all the money, I trust the yeshiva to do what it needs to do." So I made sure all the money was paid back. The roommate was furious at me. Didn't speak to me for the rest of the year. How could you not expel this kid from yeshiva? I said to him, "I understand you're hurt. I understand you're betrayed. I understand you don't want a room with him." But why do you think he stole the credit card to begin with? Why? Why did he make that obvious mistake? If you're going to steal the credit card, go to Ben Yehuda. Nobody's going to know who it is. Go to Super Soul Deal. Go buy stuff. Nobody's going to know who you are. Why would he send it to an Amazon account? Why would he send it to his own address? He wanted to be caught. The kid had no attention in his life. He needed the negative attention. Now's not the time to expel him from yeshiva. Now's the time to draw him close. He's a hurt person. Let's get him to therapy. Let's get him the help that he needs. And that's what we did. And even though his roommate never spoke to me again, I stand by what I did.

31:09 The kid needed love. He didn't need to be pushed away. Yodu b'kol, Yishev was a ganiv. Why? Because he was a bad person? Because he didn't have enough money? No. Because kids need negative attention. So you know what people do when somebody steals from them? They smack them around. They don't steal back. That's why it's not symmetrical. Esav, I'm sorry, Yishmael's in the desert. He's about to die. The Malachim see that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to make a miracle and he's going to save him. They say, Rebbe, generations from now, the descendants of Yishmael are going to torture Klal Yisrael. Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, but he's innocent right now. You're going to tell me, but Rebbe, he was a murderer. He was an idolater. He was over on Gilead. But why did he do those things? Hakadosh Baruch Hu's baichin levavas uklayas. Hakadosh Baruch Hu looks inside of a person and knows deeply that he wasn't guilty.

32:00 That's the big chiddush. He wasn't guilty, but Rabbi, he did all these bad things. Just because you do a bad thing does not mean you're a bad person. Every action comes with a feeling. Every feeling comes from a need. He grew up without a mother who loved him. So you know, Hakadosh Baruch Hu's genius. When he made the miracle of bringing that water to Yishmael, he didn't put it right next to Yishmael. He put it a little bit away from Yishmael. And the Malach comes to Hagar And the Malach says to Hagar Take his hand, lift him up, walk him over to the water, and give him to drink. If Hakadosh Baruch Hu is already going to do a miracle Why not just do it all the way? Put the well right next to them. You know what the answer is? It's a chinuch lesson.

32:48 The Malach is saying to Hagar, 'You cannot just save this kid's life by giving him water. That's not going to be enough.' Because the kid's just going to kill himself after that anyway. Nobody can go through life without love. It's not possible. Every one of us needs to have belonging. No belonging, no life. It's a chinuch lesson. Don't just give him water. Hold his hand. Pick him up. Show him that he matters. You know what Avram Avinu did after he threw Yishmael out of the house? You know what the Medrash says? He went to visit Yishmael. Yishmael got married. Avram Avinu came to his tent. Yishmael wasn't home. Avram Avinu knocked on the door. His wife comes out. She says, "Yes, can I help you?" He says, "I'm here to see Yisshmael." She says, "I'm sorry, he's not home." She doesn't offer him anything to eat or drink. So Avram Avinu says to the wife, "He says, tell your husband that an old man came by to see him, and he's chosen poorly."

33:39 That night Yisshmael comes home. His wife says to him, "Strangest thing happened today. An old man came by." He was looking for you. I told him you were at home. He said to tell you that an old man came by and he's chosen poorly. Yisshmo understood that it was Avram Avinu who came to visit him and he divorced his wife. A couple months later, Avram Avinu comes back. Knocks on the door. A new wife comes out. She says, "Can I help you?" He says, "I'm here to see Yisshmo." She says, "He's not home right now. Can I invite you in for something to eat or drink?" He says, "No, thank you. Please tell your husband an old man came by and he's chosen wisely." Yisrael came home that night. She told him the story. He said, My father loves me. That's what we need. The need that Yisrael has was a need for his parents to love him. So now, listen very carefully to answer our third question: Why was it such a big deal that Yitzchak was allowed to bury Avram Avinu first?

34:35 Because for Yisrael, that was everything. His whole life growing up, what did he know? I have to come before Yitzchak. Otherwise, I'm a nothing. He had no sense of self. In psychological language, he didn't have a secure attachment to self. For those of us that have been through therapy, is do you know what a big deal it is for him to be able to finally say, Yitzchok, you go first. It meant that he knew he was loved. That he knew that he was enough. That he didn't need to come before everybody. You see, these people, they need to be the leaders. They need to be everybody. Pay attention to me. You know why they need that? Because they need someone to say you're okay. And until someone says they're okay, they need to be out front in front of everybody. It was a big deal for Yishmael to say Yitzchak, you go first. It showed that there was a real tikkun, a real tshuva that had happened.

35:29 Melech, we can understand why Yitzchak loves Esav because he's a liar. Because if your child is a liar What do you do, girls? Don't push him away. Yitzchak was an amazing parent because he saw what happened to Yishmael. So you know what he said? When my son misbehaves, I'm not going to push him away. I know he's lying to me. You think Yitzchak didn't know that Esav was a rasha? He knew that Esav was a rasha. He loved him because he was a Russia. We love our children when they're doing the wrong thing. We might be frustrated. We might be disappointed. It might be difficult to deal with. We might not know what to do. We might be confused. How did this happen? But the last thing we do is push a child away. The first thing we do is draw them close. There was an article that came out many years ago saying that if a child is impacting another child because he went off the derech, then you should ask that child to leave the home.

36:26 Rabbi Bender. Rashiva of Darke, he got up and he went bananas. And he wrote an article saying, "Are you crazy?" He said, "The last thing you should be telling your children is that if you go off the derech, we're throwing you out of the home." It's the last thing we should be doing. Better that the other kids leave the home. And this kid should stay. And it's obvious when a kid is misbehaving, don't push them away. That's the time to draw them close. Why are they misbehaving? Ask yourself the hard question. I was expelled from school in fifth grade. I want you to know I have no objection to the fact that they threw me out. I was a crazy kid. I was misbehaving. It was difficult for classroom management. I have no taina except for one. In the five years that I was in that school, not once did anybody ask me why I was misbehaving. Not once did anybody care to check in.

37:15 Today, Baruch Hashem, we live in a psychological universe where we're able to wonder, to be curious, to say, "What's going on with this kid?" Most people are just looking at people and going. That girl doesn't dress so tannuah. That guy is smoking up. He's hanging out in that park. He's doing that thing. He's watching this. He's got this phone. He's got this. Why are they doing these things? What's the need they're trying to fill? Draw them close. They're starving for something. What are they starving for? Find out. Be curious. Maybe you can help that kid. And if you can't help him, find out what he needs. Meila, we can understand that fascinating Gemara from the very beginning. Hashem comes to Yitzchak and he says, "Your kids have sinned." Strict justice does not mean no compassion. Yitzchak says, "They're my kids." They're your kids too. It's an unbelievable thing to say, but it's a mussar that Yitzchak is giving to Hashem.

38:19 Obviously, it doesn't mean it literally. Hashem doesn't need musr, but it tells you what a parent is willing to do for their children. They're my kids. They're your kids too. And let's look at the total picture. Parents will do anything to save their kids. They'll be absolutely irrational. My mother, I love her. She's the most naive woman in the world. My mother fell. You could ask your father. My mother used to fall for our lies when me and your father used to lie to her. She used to fall for it every single time. Every single time. Every sometimes she would fall for it. I would be like, I can't believe she's falling for it again, and I would get in trouble. I would tell my mom, Yeah, mom, they're lying about me in school, and she would defend me. I'm like, I can't believe I've done it again. This woman is willing to defend me. Teachers would say, Your son is lying. I'm telling you, he's not lying. Principals, my bender called her and said, Your son is lying. I'm telling you, he's not lying. I know my son. It was unbelievable. She was irrational, like a parent should be.

39:12 A parent should be, of course, paying attention to the truth. A parent's responsibility. Love means you've got your kids' back no matter what. I'm gonna tell you a ma'isa shahaya. This is a true ma'isa. A talmud of mine, one of my most beloved, precious talmidim that I've ever had. His father passed away very suddenly after Sukkot. 54 years old, just dropped dead. He was in Eretz Yisrael. I was with him Yomim Ve'Lailah until the Kfarah, which was here in Eretz Yisrael. Listen to the story he said over by the Hesped. Unbelievable story. He was in Petach. He was in Petach, so as you can imagine, he didn't really care very much about his education because he didn't think he was capable because nobody ever told him that he was capable. By the way, today he's a very big bentira who's been sitting and learning full time for the last five years, and he's unbelievably has a great head. But everyone told him, "You're a Petach kid." So you know what he did? The teacher gave him homework. So he went on Google. He found an article. He pressed select all, copy. He put it on a word document. Girls, you know what happens when you press Select All and Copy?

40:17 It selects all and it copies all. When you select all and copy from an article, it copies the ads, the website, see this next article, all the comments, like everything. He put it on a Word document and sent it in. The teacher wrote an email to the father. Your son did a terrible thing. He plagiarized. And if your son had done this in college, he could be expelled. So what did the father write back? He wrote back, "Dear Mr. So and So, I'm so sorry that I did not teach my son to plagiarize better." Sincerely, this father. And this is what the son spoke about by his father's levaya. Because at the end of the day, we remember about our parents. They had our back. They had our back. I was in a car ride with a great Rashi Shiva.

41:07 I was driving. He was in the passenger seat. You know those awkward situations where you can hear the phone call because the volume is up too high, so you can hear the other side, but you don't know what to do because you don't want to say like I can hear because you don't want to acknowledge that you can hear, but you can hear. It's just so awkward. So I'm driving this great rasha shiva. He gets a phone call. He picks it up. It's clear that it's his son. What is his son saying? Hey dad, I'm just letting you know you're going to get a phone call from my rasha shiva that I'm getting suspended because I cut stater and I went to the workout room even though I was already on probation, and I'm going to be suspended from yeshiva. I'm hearing this whole thing and contemplating. Do I open the door and just do a barrel roll out? I don't want to be here for this. It's the last place in the world I want to be. So I heard this rishiva say How are you doing? Are you okay?

41:52 And the kid was like, "Yeah, I'm okay." He goes, "Okay, I'll speak to your rishiva," and that was it. So I had a choice now. I'm like, okay, what do I do? Do I acknowledge that I heard it? Not acknowledge? I said? I've got to ask. So I said to the rishiva, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop on your conversation. The volume was too high, so I happened to have heard. Can I ask you a chinuch question?" How is Rashiya able to say, "How are you? Are you okay?" My father would have been like, "What's wrong with you? Why did you do that?" And he looked at me like I was from the moon. He said to me, "Goes, my son is hurting right now." The most important thing is to check in with him and see if he's okay. And that's obvious and it's pasha, but how many of us forget it? Every action comes with a feeling. Every feeling comes with a need. The kid had a need at that moment. Why did he leave the basement just to go to the workout room, even though he was on probation? It's because he didn't feel like he belonged. So what the father gave him a sense of belonging.

42:41 Yitzchok's arguments were irrational. Most of our life is not spent sleeping. Most people don't sleep 12 hours a day. I don't know how long you spend in the bathroom, but it's probably not half your life. And I know that girls can sit at a meal for hours on end, but I imagine it's not half your life. It takes a long time to eat half a brownie at a time. I'm with you. I understand. But it's not half your life. And what does Yisrochavinu mean? Hakol desbracha. You could be seivel it. If not, we'll split it. If not, I got it all. You know what? You know what Yisroch is saying? This is what it means to be a father. This is what it means to have kids. I give us all a bracha that we should remember what it's like to be kids when we become parents ourselves. To remember that our misbehaviors are not coming from nothing. Every action has a feeling. Every feeling has a need. Thank you. Thank you. I don't think I have yours.