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The pasuk in this week's parsha, Bamidbar, the beginning of Sefer Bamidbar. Once again Feel like we've had this so many weeks in a row. Says Vayamas Nadav vaAviyu lefnei Hashem B'haKrivam Eishzar veHashem b'Midbar Sinai U'Banim lo Hayu lehem. Torah is going through the progeny of. Our own Hakohen And so of course, in going through the progeny of Aaron Hakohen It lists Nadav and Avihu, and it recounts the tragic death of Nadav and Avihu. And it mentions the fact that they brought an eszara, that they brought a strange carbon before Hashem. But here, the Torah adds something in. The Torah says, "Ubanim lo hayulahen." They didn't have children. Important detail. It doesn't appear to be of any significance, but the Gemara says a fascinating thing. The Gemara tells us that had Nadav and Avihu had children They would not have died. Fascinating. So the Gemara tells us that a person who's married but doesn't attempt to have children is chayav misa bidei shamayim.
So something of great significance. To have children, Nadav and Avihu had children, they wouldn't have died. What's the pshat? In order to understand this, let's take a step back. Why exactly did Nadav and Avihu bring this esh zara, this strange fire, this strange carbon, before Hashem? What was the tayva to commit such an avirah? And as we ask this question It makes sense for us to take a step backwards, and when I say a step backwards, I mean an enormous step backwards, all the way back to Parshas Bereishis. And let's ask ourselves a similar question. Adam Harishon was born. Only a short while later, Adam Harishon sinned. What was Adam Harishon's sin? He was told not to eat from the Eitz Hadas. And what does Adam Harishon do? He eats from the Eitz Hadas. Shaila is, what was so compelling? Same question as we have by Nadav and Avihu.
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What was so compelling to Adam Rishon that he said, 'I have to eat from this tree'? Let's make it a little more dramatic. Adam could eat from every single tree in Gan Eden. He can't eat from one tree. What's his response? I'm going to eat from the one tree. It almost sounds to us like Adamarishon is oppositional. Don't tell me what I can't eat from. The thing you tell me that I can't eat from, that's exactly the thing that I'm going to eat from. What exactly is Adamarishon doing over here? So it's exactly the same question that we have by Nadav and Avihu. What compelled Nadav and Avihu to bring an eitz zara? What compelled them to bring the strange fire? What compelled Adamarishon to eat from the eitz adas? So I want to share with you a very profound answer to this question. Answer. Perhaps I don't think this is the only answer, but perhaps an answer to this question is as follows: A human being has a natural desire, a beautiful desire, a desire that should not be stifled.
A natural desire to give To participate meaningfully in relationships. Every person wants to do that. In fact If we can't do that, and we find ourselves stifled, we don't have the ability to give. It's very depressing for a person. A person naturally wants to get up. They want to contribute meaningfully. They want to do. They want to give of themselves to another. Let's think about the task that Odomarishon had in front of him. The task was to sit there and do nothing. That's how I want you to serve me. Sit there and do nothing. I want you to serve me by doing nothing. What was so difficult about this for other Marishon? Why is it so difficult for other Marishon to sit there and do nothing? The answer is because other Marishon says I don't want to serve you by being passive. I don't want to serve you by doing nothing.
I want to serve you by taking all of the talent that you gave me and doing something with it. I want to be proactive. I want to be generous. To be told to sit in a corner and do nothing is the most difficult thing in the world. Human beings are exceptionally creative. I'll give you an example of this. What are we told on Shabbos not to do? We're told not to do anything that was considered creative in the Mishkan. Why is that difficult for us? Because we are creative beings. Six days a week, we're naturally exceptionally creative. On the seventh day, we're told, "Stop, stop being creative." Hold back your creativity. It's the most challenging thing in the world. It's like there's a story. I love this story. There's a story with the Labavitcher Rebbe that somebody became a bal tshuva and they wrote a letter to the Labavitcher Rebbe, "Can I still be an artist?" Now that I'm from So the Labavitcher Rebbe wrote back. He said, "If you're an artist, how could you stop being an artist?"
If you're really an artist, you have no way to stop being an artist. Art pours out from you. If you're a musician, you can't stop making music. Music pours out from you. Every single human being is naturally so creative, and we have a like it's almost like. Trying to stop someone from being creative, trying to push them back into a box—it's the most painful thing in the world. Now that we're on the topic This is the challenge of chinuch. I don't think it's just in today's day and age, but for sure in today's day and age Because very often, what might happen if you're in a bad chinuch situation is that we take a child's creativity and squelch it. We put that you must sit in this desk. And you must behave, and you must sit still. What happens if a child has creativity, if they have talent outside of the classroom?
The classroom for a child can feel like death. Isn't that true? It's an amazing thing. You see somebody that wasn't successful at all in class, and in life they're enormously successful. Why? Because the things that they weren't successful at academically, it wasn't because they weren't bright. It's because that's not where their talent was. I was reminded last year. I got together with a buddy of mine from high school. We had a guy in our class that so rarely passed a test that the high school promised us that every time he passes a test, the class gets an ice cream party. They made us this promise in ninth grade. And he reminded me in my conversation with him last year that we had three ice cream parties through all of high school. Three ice cream parties. That means he passed the test three times in all of high school.
He is the third wealthiest guy in my entire class. And it's not surprising. It's not surprising because all the things that made him terrible in school made him awesome in business. He's a people person. He loves people. He's good with people. He's a hard worker. He's ambitious. He was not good at trigonometry. Girls, I don't know how to tell you this. In your life, trigonometry for probably 99.999% of the people in this room is not going to make a difference. I don't know if this year, even once, you used Pythagoras' theorem. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn't. I don't know how many times in Be'er Miriam this year you said to yourself, "Sokatoa, I need to remember." We all had, even back in the 90s, these ridiculous things. You're giving me trauma from freshman physics. I'm giving myself trauma. We tell children to sit in a chair and not be creative.
And if they can't listen to us, then we tell them you have ADHD. That's crazy. Maybe they just don't want to sit in that chair. I remember which classroom I was in. In my high school, the first classroom on the left. I remember that I took a seat by the window. And I remember watching the cars in ninth grade drive by and thinking to myself Two things. Number one, why don't these people have jobs? Why are they driving? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Who's driving at 11 o'clock in the morning? Don't you have an office? Don't you have a place to be? And then the second question I remember thinking: I'm like One day I'm gonna be in that car, and I'm gonna be free. I remember, and that was the beginning of ninth grade. It was four years—actually, three. I didn't go to twelfth grade, but three years of torture.
Three years of absolute torture. How many kids are sitting there staring out the window? They become adults; they're not staring out the window. Their creativity is activated. A human being is creative. You can't stop a human being from being creative. We should do the opposite. We should pour gasoline on the fire of their creativity. However In our tayva. In our desire to be creative There is a negative. The negative is this: Are you willing to surrender yourself to somebody else? The true testament of any relationship is how much you're willing to surrender to the other. That word 'surrender' does it bother you when I say it? Does it go against the grain a little bit? If it does, that's good. Surrendering yourself is hard. It means I'm giving myself over to you. And you know what that sometimes means? It sometimes means pulling back my desire to be me in all of my glory.
And to serve you in the way that you want to be served. That's the challenge of any relationship. It's like you're dating a guy. He jumps onto the scene. He's like, "Tada! Here I am. Here's all of my awesomeness." Right now, that's very attractive at first because wow. He's this awesome guy, and then what happens is a little hesitation because you go wait a second Will he actually allow me to be in this relationship? Will he serve me? In a certain sense, and I know this might sound funny at first. Is he awesome because he's serving himself? What's the true litmus test of if he actually cares about me? Is he willing to surrender his creativity to me? That's big. It's not always awesome to be the person who's front and center displaying all your talent. Sometimes it's awesome to pull yourself back completely and just listen to somebody else. Isn't that also an awesome gift?
Imagine you have a person who's amazing at speaking. But sometimes you sit down with them and you're like, "Could you not be so awesome at speaking for a second? Could you maybe be awesome at listening for a second?" It's very hard for somebody who's amazing at speaking to be an awesome listener. Because if you're amazing at speaking, don't you want me? Don't you want me though? Because if you want me, the biggest test is whether you will pull yourself back and surrender to somebody else? So listen, what Adam Yishon went through. Adam Yishon was the single most creative being in the history of all beings. Adam Yishon had the creativity of every single one of us inside of him. If Adam Rishon was the first human being, that means the neshamas of every single other human being were inside of him. So he had the creativity of every single human being that would ever exist on the face of the planet inside of him. He was bursting with creativity. We think we're creative. Adam Rishon had creativity coming out the wazoo. He could not stop being creative. Hakadosh Baruch Hu says to him, "Listen" You can eat from any tree of the garden.
You can be creative everywhere here. But there has to be a space where you pull yourself back and listen to me. If we're going to participate in a relationship, there has to be a space for me. By the way, how much space was Hashem asking for? Just one tree. Other Marishon said, "but don't you want me to serve you?" " What was Hashem's answer? Of course I do. But if you're really serving me, then the litmus test is. Will you pull your creativity back and in one area Say, no, that area is Hakadosh Baruch Hu. I surrender my creativity to Hashem. Ninety-nine percent, all creativity. One percent. You have to be surrendered. Nadav and Avihu were big tzaddikim. Nadav and Avihu were the children of Aaron and Cohen. Moshe Rabbeinu said after they died, he said to Aaron and Cohen. They were greater than us.
I knew that Hakadosh Baruch Hu was going to sanctify the Mishkan through great tzaddikim. I thought it was going to be through you and me. I see that Nadav and Avihu were greater than us. Nadav and Avihu were huge tzaddikim. What they do, they were makter ketores. Ketores from a lation of kesher, from a lation of connection. Nadav and Avihu said to themselves, we want to be connected to Hashem. They had creativity coming out the wazoo. Hakadosh Baruch Hu said. I didn't ask you for that. Is it about you or is it about me? I heard the following tirah from Riviyeh Chaim Zwiag. I love this. Imagine Chassvasholom. A woman gets sick. And you have meal trains. You ever see your parents do this? Everybody signs up. They like a Google Doc. And the only time a Jewish mother makes a gourmet meal is when she's making it for somebody else on a meal train.
You come home and you're looking at this food and you're asking, is that for dinner? Don't touch that. That's for them. Just boiled hot dogs for you. And if you're on the receiving end of a meal train It's like, ooh, we're gonna eat good. It's like. So this woman gets sick. They make a meal train for her. It's a very subtle difference. You have two choices: one You're in your own kitchen with all of your own ingredients. And you go and make a gourmet meal. You deliver it to her house. The other is you go to her house. You use her pots and pans. You make a gourmet meal using her ingredients. And you give it to her. Same exact thing, right? If you make the meal in your house, says R' Zwi, you're a benefactor. If you make the meal in her house A little bit, you feel like a maid.
It's the same exact act. But the context makes a huge difference. If you're sitting in your kitchen afterwards and you're cleaning your pans, you feel like you did something nice for somebody else. If you're in her kitchen cleaning up after yourself, you feel like, what am I, her maid? I'm cleaning. She doesn't have somebody else who can come clean her pants. Why? Why does it bother us? Why does it bother us to be somebody else's quote unquote maid? It's the same exact thing. They need it. What's the answer? Human beings hate surrendering themselves to somebody else. We love giving to somebody else. We love being the benefactor. We love being able to share ourselves with somebody else. We love, as difficult as it might be, taking. There's always that exercise after you've made the food in your house of how I'm going to transport it?
Because if you're smart, I'm going to give you a pro tip. If you're smart, make the chicken and rice in one tin. This way, you don't come with all of the chicken juice in the back of your car sloshing around. You pull it out the pan. It breaks in half and you have chicken juice all over the back of your car. I'm talking about this is a common thing that happens. You got it. You got to be smart. You got to know when you're delivering it. It's not so easy. We don't mind the hassle. We don't mind the hassle. We don't mind driving over to somebody else's house because it's like I got to show up for somebody else. But the first word in that sentence was I. There's something amazing about being a benefactor. But the first word in that sentence is I. It could be a little bit selfish.
Sometimes you have to surrender to somebody else and go to their house and be the maid. And that's also a form of good. I don't want you to. But let's say they did. I'm not. I'm not talking about like in this marshal. Let's say they did, right? Many people wouldn't want you to, but let's say in this marshal they did. So the idea is this: Nodvin Avihu were told by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. I want you to be so close to me. But can you do it on my terms Or does it have to be on yours? They said it's got to be on your terms. It's like it's hard to surrender. It's hard to surrender. But here's the chad. Why was it so hard for them to surrender? I love this vart. This is what I'm about to tell you. It's an amazing way for us to end off. We're ending off. But it's an amazing way to begin the culmination of this entire year. You ready for it?
Because they didn't have children. You get to be when you have children? You get to be the benefactor. That's the job of the parent. The job of the parent is to say, "I got you." I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to give you my everything, all of my creativity, all of my enthusiasm, all of my passion. What you're going to learn when you become a Jewish mother. It all goes into your children. And there is no greater feeling. I'm gonna tell you a secret. I know what I want written on my tombstone. I know what I want written on my kever. You know what it is? I'll tell you. It's an amazing thing. He played backgammon with his children. That's what I want. I love. I love. Favorite thing in the world. If I can wake up early in the morning with my kids before they go out to school, like I had the opportunity to do this morning, I sat with my eight-year-old son, Mikey.
We played three or four games of backgammon. When you play backgammon with a kid You're not just throwing the dice. You get to be funny, Abba. At eight they still think you're funny, Abba. At ten It's starting to waver. By the time they're fifteen, the eyes roll so hard into the back of their head. At 18, they're disgusted by you. At 22, they come back around. You get to make stupid jokes, and the kids laugh, and you get to be there with them, and it's like, I can't believe that happened, right? You get to be all of your creative self. I love it. I want it on my tombstone. He played backgammon with his children. I get to be creative for my kids. I get to be their benefactor. I never have to surrender to my children. I'm there with all my creativity to be their abba. I don't surrender to them.
That's not my job. I have to be there for them. I have to make it happen. When you're a father When you're a mother and you have the space to be the benefactor, you know what that gives you? You don't have to be the benefactor everywhere because you're the benefactor at home. You get to surrender in other places because you don't always have to be your awesome self. You don't have to show up with that awesomeness, with that creativity, all the time because that creativity has a space in your home with your children. So it's like something. It's like you got it out of your system a little bit, right? Like you're so creative, but Baruch Hashem, your creativity has a place. So my creativity is here. I don't need to be creative everywhere. Sometimes I can pull back and make space for you. So let's say, for example, in your home Because you're pouring so much of your creativity, you're so much the benefactor to your children.
It's a little bit easier and more like I don't want to say normal, but it's like more natural is a better word to surrender to your husband. But if you have no outlet for your creativity, what was that? What do you mean? Men have to surrender too to their wives. For sure. I want to tell you a secret. This thing that women need is called validation. This is very unnatural for my half of the species. You want me to do what? You want me to sit and listen to you and go? That seems really hard. Men have no idea how to do that. You want to know what it's like when two men have a conversation? This is what happens. A guy comes to his friend and he goes, "My boss is driving me crazy." You know what his friend says back? He goes, "Look, it's very simple, man. You just got to draw clear boundaries. You just got to go. I can be here till seven, but after that, I'm leaving."
That's the whole conversation. Girl comes home, she says, "My boss is driving me crazy." Husband says, "Look, you just got to create clear boundaries. She's not listening to me. I'm listening to you. You just said your boss is driving you crazy, and he's making you work till eight o'clock at night. I'm telling you, you got to go and create clear boundaries. You're not listening to me. What do you mean I'm not listening to you? I could repeat everything you said. Meaning, there's a surrender that it takes for a man to stop, step back and go, you don't need me to solve this problem. You don't need me to be creative right here. You need me to pull back and just listen. That's not so easy. It's easier and more natural and more organic if you have a place where you are your awesome self with all your creativity and all your giving and all your being a benefactor. It becomes easier, more natural to surrender to somebody else.
I'm going to say something. This might not be so popular to say, but I think it's very true. In today's day and age, it happens to be that most homes require a two-income home. Most homes require, in order to make ends meet, for whatever reasons, which I'm not going to get into right now It requires that both mom and dad work. But I want to tell you something. Even if you're in a situation. Where your husband makes enough money for both of you I would strongly encourage you to find a job. Find a job that allows you to have the flexibility to be a mother, but find the job. Because you need an outlet. You need an outlet for your creativity. You need a place where you could show up and be your awesome self. Are you going to be your awesome self at home? Absolutely. Is being a Jewish mother a privilege of the highest order? Absolutely. But there's something to it that you can go out and say, Hineni to the world. I'm an awesome person. It gives you permission to surrender in other places. But if you have no place where you are your awesome self It's very difficult to pull back and surrender to the needs of another.
Says the Gemara. Why did Nadav and Avihu sin? They were amazing tzaddikim. They didn't have kids. They didn't have children. Because they didn't have children, the creativity was bursting out of them. They couldn't hold it back. It was too much for them. He said, 'Where am I supposed to put all this creativity? I have to use it to draw close to Hashem. If they would have had children,' says R' Zwiege, 'they would have put their creativity into their children, and it would have given them the ability to organically surrender to Hashem. Of course, I'm going to serve Hashem with all of my awesomeness, but only when He tells me to.' Because if I serve Hashem even when He doesn't tell me to, then who am I serving? I'm serving myself. It's like the husband that says to his wife I'm going to be an awesome husband, whether you like it or not.
" That's not being a very good husband. You know what I mean? This parsha of surrender is such an important topic in today's day and age because it's not spoken about. We speak about all the time, and it's rightfully because remember, 99% of the garden you can eat from. We speak about using the talents that our Kadosh Baruch Hu gave you in His service, being your awesome self. Don't hold back. We talk about that all the time. But the truth is that so much of life does require us to humble ourselves before the needs of another. It's in our marriages, it's in our jobs, it's in our relationship to Hashem. I want to talk about what it looks like in our relationship to Hashem for a second. Imagine a guy comes into me and he goes I'm saying a guy so this way it's not applicable to any of you.
It's applicable to all of you, but I want to say it as a guy. This way it's a little bit kinder. You don't necessarily feel attacked. Imagine a guy comes into me and he goes, I don't like to daven from a sitter. I like to talk to Hashem in my own words. So I say to the guy. I go look. I don't like to dribble when I play basketball. I just want to be able to walk up and down the court and shoot when I want to. It's different, Rebbe. Why? Why is it different? It's different because the point of davening is for me to access the words that I want to say. Who says that's the point of davening? Maybe the point of davening is to talk to Hakadosh Baruch Hu in the language that He understands, that He wants to be spoken to in. It's ridiculous. Why can't I do boreh on Shabbos? Does Hashem really care if I spit out watermelon seeds on Shabbos? You tell me in Shamayim. Hashem is sitting there going, 'He spilled it. He spit out watermelon seeds. Now he's going to Gehenna.'
When someone tells us what it looks like to love them, the answer is, "I'm surrendered to you." I don't necessarily understand why. But if that's what you tell me, then I'm willing to hold back. You tell me not to eat from that tree. I won't eat from that tree. I can eat from every other tree. I can be creative everywhere else, but not on Shabbos. Six days a week, I'm unbelievably creative. On the seventh day, we rest. On the seventh day, we say to our Kadosh Baruch Hu, 'Hey, it's your day. Tell me what not to do. I won't do it.' Of course, there's many mitzvot I say But when it comes to the Malachus, Malachus Hamishkan, that which is creatively building a dwelling place for Hashem in this world, on Shabbos we stop. Because if it's truly about building a dwelling place for Hashem, we have to know that just as much as we have to bring our creative awesome self into the world, we also have to know how to stop.
It's not obvious. My Rebbe used to say to us, 'Guys, you have to know how to ask a question, and you also have to know how to give an answer, and you have to know what to say is a good answer, and you also have to know what not to say.' Serving somebody else is often just as much about what you don't do. As it is about what you actually do And we're used to thinking, 'What do you mean? I'm going to be awesome.' You see, this is a good trick. The way to a young man's neshama is through his stomach. You know that? So when you're dating, when it gets serious, a great move. My wife did this. Cookies for Shabbos. Trust me. And if you have a good cookie recipe, not crispy cookies. It's like certain Rishonim Arurim that are into crispy cookies. They're bad people. If you're dating a guy and he likes crispy cookies, it's over. I'm telling you, Eitz. Same thing. We have listen. You could do tshuva. There's always a place for you in Kol Yisrael.
Seibur stands for Tzadik Bein Ei Rasha. We invite you to be a part of our Seibur. But the correct way to eat a cookie is a soft cookie. That's the correct way to eat a We're not negotiating on this. This is correct. It's pineapple pizza. There's no pineapple on pizza. There's no girls. Please do not say things like that in public. Pineapple does not belong on pizza. I'm trying to help you out here. There's something unbelievably beautiful about sending somebody cookies for Shabbos. It's an amazing thing to do. And if he's in the dorm for Shabbos, and his boy's like, 'Oh, these are great cookies, dude, marry her,' right? It's like a good thing, right? But you could make a mistake and you might think that's what marriage is. You might think that marriage is all the things I do for my spouse. And it's not true.
So much of marriage is what I don't do because I know that it bothers you. Or what I'm willing to pull back so that I can be the person that lives within this relationship. It's hard. It's hard because we're so naturally creative. Every one of us is Adam or Ishon, trying to bring our awesome self into the world. But part of being your awesome self is to know how to have boundaries, to know how to be surrendered to somebody else. This is the biggest Eitzah for Shalom Bayis. Pour your creativity into the places where it's appropriate. Be your awesome creative self with your children. It'll give you space to be surrendered to your husband. It'll give you space, blessed Hashem, to be surrendered in your relationship to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Girls have a beautiful Shabbos and a meaningful Shavuos. Thank you.
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