Vayikra - The Essential Ingredient for Shalom Bayis - Humility

2:32 Not a larger lesson, rather than a smaller lesson. Something about the largeness of the berachas of the bais and rachas. Also, the fact that it comes first, and then there's a vayikra, an end of the word, smaller letter. What's the indication by the fact that the aleph is at the end of the word, and that the aleph is smaller? Rashi answers this question. Listen to this beautiful, exquisite Rashi. Rashi says, "Va'yikra al Moshe lechol dibros ulechol amira ulechol tsvu'iyim k'dm kriya." Every single one of the dibros in the Torah, every one of the times that Hashem made a statement or an amira or a commandment, first there's a va'yikra, there's a calling. That's what Rashi says. Loshon chiba. This is a loshon of love. This is a loshon of endearment, of affection.

3:29 Loshon Shem Alachim Asharis Mestam Shemba. This is how the Malachim call out to each other. Shemar VeKara Ze Elze VeAmar Kadosh. And he says they called out to each other and they said Kadosh. So you see this Loshon by the Malachim, the idea that they call to each other. It's a sweet thing to do. It's calling out to each other. Avon Levi Umos HaOlam Rashi says, but when it comes to the prophets of the nations of the world, like Bilam Arasha. It says nigla alei and beloshan arayi v'tumah. Shemarav v'yikar lo kim el bila. There it doesn't say v'yikra with an aleph. It says v'yikar. V'yikar Rashi explains is a lashon of tumah. It's a lashon of arayi. It's a happenstance. It happens to be that Hakadosh Baruch Hu called out to Bila Marasha. It happens to be. But there's no affection. There's no love. There's no endearment.

4:24 So Rashi is explaining that the aleph here is meant to indicate that there's a beautiful love that exists between Hakadosh Baruch Hu and anyone that he's speaking to before any of his dibros, before any of his amiros, before any of his tivuyim. He doesn't just vayikar happen to call us. But vayikra is a lashon chiba. It's a term of endearment. So Rashi explains that's what's pshat with the vayikra. Still, we're a little bothered. Why does the aleph need to be small? And also, why here? Why now? There's many ayikras in the Torah. Why here? Why specifically now that we have this idea of lashon chibah? How come not by Avram Avinu, for example? Why specifically here by Moshe Rabenu in this parsha of ayikra that we have the small aleph? So there's many pshatim here. I'd like to share with you one. On Shabbos, if you go all the way back to Maseh Bereshis, first we'll deal with the base. It says, "Asher bara Elokim lasos." Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world to make. What does it mean to make? Rashi over there quotes a medrash.

5:54 That it means that we are meant to partner with Hakadosh Baruch Hu in creation. In other words, Hakadosh Baruch Hu creates the world, but then He commands us, Asher Bar Elokim Lasos, that you have a responsibility to sustain the world. You have a responsibility to have children. You have a responsibility to uphold the world, to upkeep the world, to ensure the survival of the world. So the large bays in Baruches would indicate that there is not only one creator of the world, but in a certain sense there are two creators of the world. That's why there's a bay here. The first creator of the world, obviously, is Hakadosh Baruch Hu. But the second creator of the world—maybe "creator" is the wrong word—but a partner in the creation of the world is us. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the creator.

6:49 And we are meant to partner with Hashem in sustaining the world. So here, there's a dogish. There's an emphasis on the base ratios. There's a large base because there's not one, but there's two. A person might chas v'shalom come to think in their life, why do I have to do anything? Hakadosh Baruch Hu creates the world. I'll let Hakadosh Baruch Hu do everything. And that's not necessarily, even though it sounds very frum. That's not necessarily a frum ashkafa. It's very easy to say in some way it appears to be a big. What do you mean? I'm a big balasemuna. Hakadosh Baruch Hu can take care of this. Hakadosh Baruch Hu can take care of it. But Hakadosh Baruch Hu asks you to be a participant in creation. Hakadosh Baruch Hu asks you to sustain the world that He created. So we have this big base, the large base in the front of the letter, that's calling upon us to partner with Hakadosh Baruch Hu in creation.

7:49 What does that mean? So I'd like to share with you the following idea: the large bays indicate that we must not shrink from our responsibilities. That in a certain sense, there's a time. I'm going to use these words. I don't mean them, but I'm saying them in an extreme way, just to embellish the point. In a certain way, a person needs to rise to the occasion, almost like to embellish themselves, to say that I am worthy of participating in this mission. That's not arrogant. It's not an arrogant thing to say. I've been called upon to do something, and I'm going to rise to the occasion and do it. That's called having a sense of responsibility. That means that you have a basic dignity, that you believe that you are worthy and capable of doing something.

8:43 How many times in life do things come our way where we're called upon to have moments of greatness, but we see people shrink from that greatness? Where they're called upon to be a partner in something, but they don't have enough of a sense of self. There's not enough dignity. There's not enough gas, so to speak, in the tank to be able to say, 'Hinei, I am here. I am ready to be called upon to fulfill the mission for which I was created.' You see this all the time in relationships. A person's in a relationship that could, Baruch Hashem, be a wonderful, enduring, healthy relationship, but they start to ask themselves, 'It's not humble. It's false humility. It's not good. Who am I to be in this relationship?' And because they come with all of those fears, they're shrinking from the mission of participating in that relationship. It's deeply unattractive to be with a person like that.

9:41 When a person does not believe that they have a right—I mean, right in the sense like Americans say rights—I'm not talking about the like I have a right to things and you better do what I want. I mean in the dignified way, in the godly way, I have a right to participate in a beautiful relationship in my life. I'm worthy to be treated with dignity and with respect. Those are not bad things. Those are wonderful things. So when a person starts to say, I don't know, I don't know why she would like me. I don't know why he would like me. That's not a healthy thing. But when a person's in a relationship, it's about saying, "I'm so blessed to be here, but they're also so blessed to be here. It's a wonderful thing that they're able to participate in a relationship with me because Baruch Hashem, I have so much to offer, so many talents that God gave me that I'm meant to share with another. The beginning, that's why it's the base in the beginning, literally baracious, the beginning.

10:37 The large bays in the beginning of the beginning, in the first letter of the word beginning, the beginning of everything is to know I was created in this world for a reason to sustain this world. That's my responsibility. That's my job. It means that I'm capable of being here. And a person who shrinks from that responsibility, a person who says, 'But who am I to do this? Who are you not to do this?' On a certain level, it's even arrogant for a person to say, 'I'm not capable of doing this.' If you are here and you're in this space, it's because Hashem Baruch Hu told you you're capable of being here in this space. Now rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done. It's an amazing thing. Throughout history, who changes the world? People believe that they can. That's who changes the world. If you believe you can change the world, then you will, because every one of us has talents that are capable of changing the world.

11:31 And yet, there are girls sitting in this room right now that are saying to themselves, "Am I really capable of changing the world?" Absolutely. Changing the world doesn't mean that you have to have a global impact. Changing the world doesn't mean that you have to have a million subscribers on YouTube or hundreds of thousands of hours of being listened to on Spotify. That's not what changing the world means. Changing the world means that wherever you go, you're fully you, fully present, fully engaged. And willing and actively ready to share what you have with the world. Now that happens in a very dignified way, of course. It happens in a very snidest way, of course. But there are people that, when they show up to life, you just see that they're present. You ever meet someone like that? You ever meet a powerful woman? I don't mean powerful woman in the sense that she's like, like I'm talking about. I'm talking about somebody who, when you meet them, there is presence, there is force.

12:25 It doesn't mean that they're not modest or humble. It's just like you know that you're getting all of them. They're not afraid. They don't need to say things forcefully, but they're not afraid to say what they have to say. Everyone just had somebody in their head that just came up. I heard one person whisper something. Don't say that loud. But you know what I'm saying? But there are people like that, right? If you encounter them, it's a force of nature. They might be very humble, very modest, very soft spoken, but they're a force to behold. That's somebody who believes that they've they're in a certain sense they're big. In the beginning of everything, they know I'm here for a reason. I'm here to partner with Hashem. That's a big person. That's the first message. That's baracious. But there's an accompanying message here, and this is the paradox that I'd like to share with you tonight. And it's perhaps one of the most important things I could share with you all year. There's also something called Vayikra.

13:19 Va'yikra means to call out with love. What does this mean? I already mentioned Rashi, who says va'yikar va'yikra, that it's a difference between calling out to someone in a happenstance way and calling out to someone in a conscious way. We're going to discuss that in a minute. But I'd also like to share with you a Balaturim and many others who say this as well. The Balaturim says that really it was the humility of Moshe. Because really, Moshe Rabbeinu wanted to write vayikar. Kilo, when Hashem calls out to him, it's just like happenstance. I'm no big deal. But he couldn't say vayikar because it wasn't vayikar. It was vayikra. Moshe Rabbeinu was being called out to with love. So what did Moshe Rabbeinu do? He wrote the olive small. But you know, when you learn that Balaturim, now you have to learn it like an adult. When you're a kid, how do you learn that Balaturim? So it's a cute Balaturim. It's like, look at Moshe Rabbeinu. He was such an anav. He wrote it small.

14:13 Girls, that doesn't. That's not rational. That's not logical. Let's think deeply about this. If Al Kadosh Baruch Hu wants Meisharbehenu to write Vayikra with a full aleph, then what's Meisharbehenu called upon to do? He writes it with a full aleph. What does it mean that Meisharbehenu, like he wanted to be humble, so he says it, but he doesn't really say it? Hashem wants him to write it with a big aleph, a small aleph. What's going on over here? How do we put these two things together? And we asked earlier, what does it mean? To be called out. What does it mean? To call out to somebody in love. What word do you say? So it's a Mizrahi. Listen to the what. Listen what the Mizrahi says. Unbelievable Mizrahi. Mizrahi says as follows: Va'yikra El Moshe. What does he call him? He calls him his name. He calls him his name. What does it mean to call someone with love? It means to call them their name. It's like you know sometimes.

15:10 Sometimes somebody likes knows somebody, and that person doesn't necessarily recognize them. They go, hey, how you doing? And they go, hey, Buckaroo, how you doing? You can tell that they don't know exactly who you are. And it's like they come over and they're like, Rabbi, do you remember me? And you go, sure I do. And there's a lack of chibah there. The mizrachi says no. Va'yikra al Moshe that Hashem was saying to Moshe, "Lo shanochibum." That's Rashi doesn't say that. So what do we do with Rashi? I had a thought that I wanted to share with you. I think it's true. You know what it means to call out lovingly to somebody? What's the difference between calling out in a happenstance way and calling out lovingly? It's very simple. Tone of voice is a good thought. I think it's even deeper than that.

16:05 Though tone of voice is certainly a byproduct of this. There's a difference between calling out to someone consciously and calling out to someone by happenstance. It's like if I see you and we're walking down the street and I go, "Hey, it's great to see you," right? That's not the same thing as if I pick up the phone and call you. I was just thinking about you. Wanted to check in to see how you're doing, right? In a spousal relationship. What does a wife want? I've learned this. I've spent many years studying your species. I now don't know what women want, but I know what wives want. What does a wife want? Validation is certainly true, but that's a whole complicated thing. But even before validation. I want you to be thinking. I want you just to check in. I want you to ask how my day was. I want you to be conscious and aware, and I want you to call out and invite me into your life.

17:03 And just because we're married doesn't mean that you've invited me into your life, because many people are married and feel so estranged from the people that they're married to. You can go through an entire day and not hit pause just to check on the person that you're married to. It's possible for spouses sometimes to go days, or weeks, or months, and never have a meaningful conversation with another. People go on dates.

17:34 Husbands and wives, and it's an amazing thing. When they were dating, what would they talk about? Everything in the world. And now that they're married, what do they talk about? Their kids, because they have nothing else to talk about. What drew them close to begin with? What made them so excited to be with each other? They didn't have anything in their lives at that time, so they didn't talk about their kids. They didn't talk about the bills that they had to pay or the stresses that were going on. What did they talk about? They spoke about their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations. They shared it with another. They were inviting them into their life. And when someone invites you into their life, what's the feeling that you have? I feel love. I feel affection. I feel endearment. Something happens. I want to call this person to share it with them. It's like I was talking to a girl who was engaged, and she had this mini rule not to speak to her husband for a period of time before they were married.

18:32 They have this minig. Some people do a week, some people do two weeks. Soon it'll be three weeks. The firmer we get, it'll be four weeks. Soon we'll all be chassidish. Nobody will speak to each other. Used to be the minig was a week. I don't know. Somehow people got firmer, and now it's two. I still hold by a week. So I don't know why I say these things to you. It's just it's on my heart, and it bothers me. Many years ago, I heard from Frayim Waxman Shlita that he wanted to walk down the aisle with one of his children holding a lulav and an esrog, just to see how long it would take for all of Klal Yisrael to walk down the aisle with a lulav and an esrog. And then it would become like a from thing that Rabbanim would darshan on, like the woman is the esrog because she's the heart, and the man is the lulav because he's the spine, and together a heart and a spine make up a body and the two arms, and you'll have all the drashos. In the meantime, it comes from nowhere. Be seder, whatever.

19:26 Soon we won't even date. It'll be a whole new Shidduch crisis. But anyway, I'm losing track of the story here. You don't want to date? I just said Bishoos for life. Bishoos for life. I totally hear you. Where you're from, they do. Where you're from, they do a Bisho. Yeah. Some of them, okay. My Rebbe was not into that. My Rebbe was not into it at all. My Rebbe, again, with tremendous respect to those that do it. But my Rebbe felt that it was a deviation from the Masorah, so he was not into that at all. My parents didn't judge. And that was called not judging. I'm just saying. This is going to be online, and I'm going to get angry letters. Who are you to speak nasty about? I'm not speaking nasty about anybody. I'm just telling you that if you're going to not speak, a week is not speaking. You don't need to do two. This announcement brought to you by my own ADHD. Like seven cups of water. I'm through. Two of them are empty.

20:20 Maybe it's not water in here. So this girl says to me. She says the hardest part about being engaged is this week. Why? Because all the things that I'm feeling right now, all the excitement, all the nerves, all the this entire experience, the person I want to share it with, is exactly the person I can't speak to. That's a vayikra of endearment. That's a vayikra of I'm calling out to somebody and I'm asking them to participate in a relationship with me. I think that's what Rashi means. The you bringing me more water? Please tell me that's for you. It's not for you. Go. I can't take anymore. I think that's what Rashi means as opposed to the Mizrachi. Mizrachi says very beautifully Meisher Abenu.

21:15 To call out somebody by name—that's a very trope shot. But I think what Rashi is saying is something perhaps even more fundamental. What's Rashi saying? Rashi says, just to call out to somebody, and it's not belashan arayi. It's not a tami dika thing. It's not a happenstance. It's I'm calling out and I'm reaching out to you. That's a vayikra. How do we receive that? If the beginning of the word of bereshis is I. Stand up and accept the fact that I have responsibility. Then what's the end of the word? What's the end of Vayikra? It's as the Balaturim says. It's received with humility. I want to unpack this because this is the critical part of tonight's she'ar. If somebody loves you, if somebody truly loves you, like the Mishnah Avot says, that's called an ava she'ena t'luya bedaver.

22:11 There's a difference between loving somebody for a reason and loving somebody for no reason at all. What does that mean? If I love you for a reason, then I don't love you. I love the reason. For example, if I love my wife because she's a good cook, then I don't love my wife. What do I love? Food, and maybe specifically her food. She makes good food. But how do you know that that's not real love? Because what happens if my wife stops cooking? Then the love goes away. Because I never really loved her. I loved food. That's why people say I love chicken. If you love chicken, stop killing. If you love chicken, the last thing you would do would be to eat chicken. So what's the pshat in real love? I love my wife because she's a good mother. What happens if she has a bad day and she yells at the kids?

23:10 I love my husband because he's a good provider. What happens if he loses his job? I love my husband because of the way that he makes me feel. What happens if he stops making you feel that way? Aavashtaluya bedaver ena aavah. If it's love that's based on a thing, it's not true love. True love is I love you for no reason at all. True love cannot be explained. If somebody comes to you and they say "I love you," you have no idea why they love you, because you're really no different than anybody else. It makes no sense. What's the feeling that we ought to have if somebody says "I love you"? The feeling we should have is humility. I'm humbled by your love.

24:08 Because you don't love me for a reason, I have no idea why you love me. You have no idea why you love me, but I'm humbled by the fact that you're participating in this relationship and that you've chosen to give your love and your life to me. That's the way we're meant to receive love. So if somebody loves you and your response is 'why,' how off is that? If somebody says 'I love you' and your response is 'I have no idea why you love me,' what does that mean? You're not worthy to be in the relationship. If somebody loves you, your response should be, 'Wow, I'm humbled that you've chosen to give your love to me.' Now, I'm not suggesting that on a date. I just want to be clear because I saw some girls to my right make the following. With your eyes, you said these words. If a guy on a date expresses.

25:07 Hey, I think I want to marry you, and your response is, "Thank you, I'm humbled by your love." I'm not suggesting that's what you should say. I'm hoping that will be a worldview that you'll have. And ideally, you go, "Great, I'm looking for the same thing, right?" Because it's going to be really awkward if he says, "I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you," and you go, "Nah," that's not a great date for anyone, right? But the way that we're meant to receive somebody's love is with humility. This is what Moshe Rabbeinu is expressing. Moshe Rabbeinu is a big navi, and Bilam is a big navi. In fact, we know that Bilam had the same levels of nevuah as Moshe Rabbeinu. Really, was that? Are you wondering why Moshe Rabbeinu had the same levels of nevuah as Bilam? It comes to just one and a half thousand years.

26:05 Hashem Baruch Hu gave Bila a spaklaria me'ira in order that he wouldn't be able to curse the Jews. So it's not really against the Rambam. I have a whole shiur on it I can share with you after privately, but it's not going against one of the thirteen commandments. The Moshe Rabbeinu was a big navi and Bila was a big navi. Did Hashem Baruch Hu love Moshe Rabbeinu because he was a big navi? Because if he loved Moshe Rabbeinu because he was a big navi, then he wouldn't love Moshe Rabbeinu. He would love what he was capable of communicating to Klal Yisrael. Bilam was also a big nufi, but the fact that Moshe Rabbeinu was called upon with love—why was he chosen? What's the answer to that question? Can't know. It's not love cannot be expressed. You can't give a reason for it. So Moshe Rabbeinu writes a small aleph at the end to indicate that he receives Hakadosh Baruch Hu's love with humility. That's a beautiful way of understanding this.

27:05 So now I want to answer the question that we asked much earlier: why here, why now, why didn't it teach us this lesson by Avram Avinu? There's another Yisod here, and this is so fundamental. Halavaya, every one of us would have this inscribed on a piece of paper. We'd put it in our wallets and we'd carry it with us forever. If I love you for no reason, then I also can forgive you for no reason. If I love you for a reason and now you hurt me, I have no reason to love you anymore. If I love you for a reason and now you hurt me, and the hurt outweighs the reason that I love you, that's the end of the relationship. Let's say I love my wife because she's a good cook. Now she is a very good cook.

28:01 She's not a Michelin star restaurant cook. She's a good Jewish cook. She makes good soup. She makes delicious potato kugel and brisket. But now, let's say my wife says something really nasty, something that cuts me to the core, chas v'shalom. And now I'm sitting there going, "Hey, the food ain't that good. It's not worth feeling this level of pain." That's the end of the relationship, because if I love you for a reason and now you're causing me pain that's greater than the reason, the relationship's over. But if I love you for no reason, meaning I can't tell you why I love you, then when you hurt me, and you ask for forgiveness, I forgive you from the same place that I love you.

28:57 Just like I love you from a place of no reason, I forgive you from a place of no reason. You know what the parsha of Vayikra is all about? It's all about what happens when we do an avera and what karbanos we bring. Vayikra is the parsha of us hurting Hakadosh Baruch Hu, so to speak, and now we're saying I'm sorry and trying to draw close. Vayikra means I'm humbled by your love, which comes for no reason, and it's the parsha that teaches us that Hashem loves us so deeply, so truly that He forgives us for no reason. The same way He loves us for no reason, and we're humbled by it. He forgives us for no reason, and we're humbled by that too. What's the value of humility in a marriage?

29:53 To my dear Talmud, who asks me, what's the one factor, the one thing that you would speak about, if you had to answer, what makes shalom bayis in a relationship? The answer is this combination of these two things: the bayis in berachas and the aleph in vayikra. A relationship begins with the humility that I am capable of being a participant in this relationship. It's a humble thing to say. It means that I have enough in the tank to be able to share my life with another. That's not arrogant. That's humble. That's called rising to the occasion. It means vayikra with a small aleph. I'm humbled by the fact that you've chosen to love me. And if humility is the beginning and end of a relationship, if humility is what the relationship is all about, so then it's worthwhile to take a moment.

30:49 And let's consider what humility looks like in a relationship. Let me give you there are many examples, but I'm going to give you two examples that I think are absolutely invaluable that every one of us has to know going into a relationship. Number one, the humility to stretch for somebody else and go out of your comfort zone. We want to be the way we're comfortable, no? That's what we love. We love to be comfortable. But the thing about marriage is that marriage is designed tension. When we say that Hakadosh Baruch Hu created an Ezer Kinegedo means a helper who goes against you. That means, by definition, marriage is designed friction. What happens when you have designed friction? You like to do things one way, and your husband likes to do something another way. I'll give you a silly example here in the dorms of Tomer Devora. Your roommate likes it one temperature, and you like it another temperature, and this in the dorms is World War Three. She's so insensitive. I don't understand how she could be that way. Everybody else wants it this way. We always have to do things her way. And so what happens is that we're each rooted in our own way of being, and it has to be that way, and so we get very self-righteous and upset at another.

32:17 And to stretch for somebody else and to do things differently than the way that I'm accustomed to doing them, because I care about you and because I want you to be comfortable, is a very difficult thing to do. For example, I know this about your species, and the Gemara even says this. I know that the Gemara doesn't mean it literally, but it certainly means it. When Hakadosh Baruch Hu created speech, He created ten measures of speech. And nine of them were given to women. Which doesn't mean that women like to talk a lot, though my experience has told me that it's true that women speak more than men. But I'm not here to generalize or to be accused of anything. I'm just saying that happens to be my personal lived experience. If you deny my lived experience, then you're invalidating me, and that's also not allowed. So now you're fucked. Nobody knows what to do now in this new woke world, right?

33:15 I don't think that's what it means. I think it means that women speak fundamentally differently than men. That women speak things out as a way of expressing themselves. And for a man to listen to a woman, I know this is going to sound bad. It's not easy. It's not easy because you're used to speaking to women, and when you're speaking to women and you say something for ten minutes. Something that probably could have been said in three sentences, but for ten minutes you said all the different ways you feel about this thing, and then when the person responds, what do they respond? Not only did they sit quietly and patiently for ten minutes because they want you to have this space to feel free to express yourself, then they spent ten minutes back validating your experience and asking you further questions about what it was like. That's not how male conversations work.

34:13 Would you like to hear how a male conversation works? Oh man, I hate my boss. I had a hard day at work, dude. That sucks. That's the whole conversation. That's the whole thing. There's no unpacking of the feelings. There was no listening. There was just like, it's like, yeah, I don't know. I think I'm gonna quit. I hear that. That's the whole thing. There's no like, this is not a big deal. Men come home from dates. They go back to the dorms. They walk in. The friend says, "How was? Good." That's the whole conversation. That's the whole thing. A girl comes home from a date. The girls are waiting. How was it? It was good, but like, I'm not sure what he meant when he said, right? And that's five hours worth of conversation. Do you know what that guy meant when he said that? Nothing.

35:10 He had nothing in mind. He just said some words. He didn't know that it was going to be hours of your life. Had he known that it was going to be hours of your life, he probably would have even said less than he said to begin with. How many girls call me and say it's going well, but he's not opening up to me? I say yes, he is opening up to you. That's as much as he's open. That's the whole species is like that. Girl comes back from a seven hour date, she could tell you berachol b'chetana every single thing that happened. Guy comes back from a seven hour date, he goes, how was? Good. How long was it? Seven hours. What'd you do? I don't know. I just had a good time being with her. That's the whole thing. Sometimes it doesn't work that way. Sometimes they come home from a seven hour date and the guy goes, how was? He goes.

36:06 It's the last day of this man. Let's just get it all out. For a husband to stretch for his wife means I'm going to go out of my comfort zone. I'm going to do something different. I'm not going to try to solve your problems. I'm just going to listen to them. That's a big stretch. One of the Talmidim now he lives here in Israel. I remember. And he's a great guy, and he got married, and after a couple months of marriage, he called me up and he said, "Rebbe, could we speak?" I said, "Sure." And he said, "I said, how's it going?" He goes, "Good. Marriage is hard." So I said, "Yeah." I said, "What's hard about it?" He goes, "Rebbe, I don't know how to say this nicely, but women pay attention to everything. She notices everything." I'm like, "huh." And he's like, "I don't know, like."

37:00 I lived in the dorms for so long. Guys don't notice anything. I'm like, exactly. It's a whole different way of being. Stretching means going out of your comfort zone. That means humbling yourself before the needs of another, doing something differently. For women, it means not necessarily saying something when you notice. And by the way, when I say saying something, I don't just mean with words. Because I hate to break this to you, you girls communicate so much. That even without words, you let men know exactly how you feel. It's even just a look. Would you like to see one of the looks? I can share with you. It goes like this. Ready? And all of a sudden, I got all your attention. Even the girls on the phone are paying attention. It's a tremendous thing. I should say this more often. Want to see how it looks? It goes like this. It's fine. That's the whole look. It's not. We know it's fine. We can see right through you, and that's why men respond and they go, "No, seriously, what's bothering you? Nothing."

38:01 Stretching means that just because something happened doesn't necessarily mean that it requires a comment. And knowing how to say something and when to say something is a really important part of humbling yourself in a marriage. I'll give you the opposite side of this because the opposite side is equally important. Can you allow someone to be as they are? I don't like it when my husband shows up like this. Is this a place for creating a boundary, perhaps, which also requires humility, or is this a place to say, it's okay for him to be as he is? He's entitled to be a person. He's entitled to his ways of being, and just because his ways of being are different than my ways of being, doesn't mean.

38:57 That my ways are correct and his ways are incorrect. And sometimes, my right to punch stops at your face. So sometimes there's a space for creating a boundary and saying, 'Hey, you're allowed to be as you are, but this space has to be a place where I'm deeply respected.' That's also requires humility. But sometimes, just because he's doing something that works for him, doesn't mean that you need to insert yourself in that and say how he should be. You see this many times. This is a shiur that we've had to give to women. Baruch Hashem, we've changed the narrative because 30 years ago the narrative was you're your husband's mashgiach. You're not. It's the opposite. Guys say to me all the time, 'I want to marry a girl that's darker than me.' I'm like, 'Yeah, but just be careful with that. Because stuff comes along with that. You marry a girl that has an expectation to hear, and you're not necessarily there, and she might come and say no, and that's not a healthy relationship.'

39:52 I remember I had a rebbe once who said, 'You want your wife to be your mashgiach? Are you crazy? You want your wife to roll over in the morning and go shivisi Hashem lenegi tumi, get out of bed, go to shachris.' And I remember he was screaming fire and brimstone muster, and he was right. Accepting other people as they are, with all of their flaws, with all of the beauty of their flaws, is part of being in a healthy relationship, and it means humbling yourself. To allow for somebody to have space to be themselves in a relationship, because if you don't allow them to be in the relationship, then who are you in a relationship with? So congratulations, you met the man who you can mold, who you can fix, who you can say be like this. Now who are you married to? You're just married to version two point zero of that guy that's willing to do whatever it takes just to make you happy. That's not a man. That's not a husband. That's a piece of clay. Nobody wants that.

40:48 Because by the way, at the end, even if somehow you are successful at molding and shaping him into the person you want to be, somewhere along the way he's lost himself, and eventually that resentment will come to the surface. Appreciating that other people have different ways of being requires humility, requires creating space for them to be as they are. This is just one or two of dozens and dozens of ways that, throughout a marriage, if we're lucky enough, if we're blessed enough to be loved by another, that humility then of receiving somebody else's love is not just a feeling that we have. That's why it's not something we just respond on a date. Thank you, I humbly accept your love. It's now a call to action to live with humility, the humility to step up and be present in the relationship, the humility not chas v'shalom to shrink, but to be small enough to allow for space for another. Because if you're so big and you take up all the space.

41:46 Then who could be in a relationship with you? Today we live in a generation that often confuses arrogance and humility. People think it's arrogant to step up and say that you're capable. It's not. It's humble. And people think it's humble to shrink and be smaller than you are. And that's not humility. That's arrogance. Nobody's asking you to shrink. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created you to be present. It's arrogant to shrink. Arrogance is the opposite of what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants us to be. Bereches and vayekra. The beginning is I'm a person. Vayekra means I'm such a person that now I can create space for another. I'm so big.

42:45 That now I could be small. So I'll finish with a quick story. It's the story of Rav Huttner. Rav Huttner was once asked. Rav Huttner was, of course, a Talmud of the Alter of Slabodka. There were two schools of Mussar in Europe. There was Nevardek and Slabodka. Nevardek was all about Katnus Adam. It was all about making yourself small. And Nevardekas would do strange things in order to diminish their ego. There's all sorts of wild stories. They would walk into like a hammer, like a store where they sold like things that you fix, hardware store. I'm forgetting my English. I'm like kobo tikkunim, right? You walk into a hardware store and they would ask for pizza, and as they would do things to make less of themselves. Slabodka was exactly the opposite. Slabodka was into gadlus haadam. Every shmoos that the altar gave was all about how great you are, how amazing you are.

43:41 And these two schools of mussar were very big in Europe, and obviously Slabodka people and Novardic people didn't see eye to eye. And both very beautiful things, but only one lasted. Today in America, in Eretz Yisrael, we really don't have Novardic anymore. We really only have Slabodka. And Rvutner was once asked, "Why is it that Novardic mussar didn't last in the same way that Slabodka mussar lasted?" Of course, people still learn the Torah of the Altar of Novardic, which is a beautiful Torah, and I'm not Chassidishulim discarding anybody from learning it. But it's certainly true that Slabodka Mussar today is more well known and it's more popular than the Novardok Mussar. Of course, if a Novardiker heard this, he would say, "Because people today are arrogant and they only want to learn the Alter's Slabodka's Mussar." But the Rav Huttner gave a different answer, and it's an answer that I think is very relevant for us. Rav Huttner said, "You have to be a zich before you're a nisht. You have to be a something before you could be a nothing." In Europe, people knew that they were a something, so they worked on being a nothing.

44:41 But in America, he said, people have such low self-esteem that to tell them you're even less than that will destroy them. You have to be a something before you're a nothing. So you need slabadik musar first, so that you know that you're a something, so that then you could learn nevardek musar afterwards to know that you're a nothing. And I don't chas v'shalom think that nevardek musar is meant to tell someone that they're a nothing. It's just meant to put us in our place and to recognize to be makor esmakomo to say this is who we are. Today we struggle on both ends of the equation. We have such a difficult time saying I have a base rishis. I'm a partner with Hakadosh Baruch Hu in creation. Big. I'm a large person, bigger than the other letters. I'm called upon for something that's important. That's not gaiva chas v'shalom. That's saying I'm a zich. That's saying I'm a something. That's the beginning. But by the middle of the Torah, where we've already received Hashem's love, where we know that we're forgiven for even our averes that we've done.

45:39 And Hashem loves us for no reason at all. We also have to know how to make ourselves a little smaller, not to be so big as to take up all the space in the relationship. Many of you girls are about to go home for Passover, and being home presents lots of challenges, because you're seeing your family again. And of course, it's great to be home. I'm sure every one of you loves and appreciates your parents so much. But inevitably, there will be the conversations that happen after Pesach that go something like this: 'It was so hard to be home. My mother just has unreasonable expectations. I'm not 17 years old anymore. All the stuff that comes along with that. I just want to remind you, a little vayikra, yeah, a little bit of vayikra. Your parents have loved you into being. Your parents have given you a tremendous amount more than you could possibly know.'

46:37 Why do they love you? I promise you, it's not because of what you do for them. It's not because you don't do great things. I'm sure every one of you does great things, but I promise you that your parents love you for no reason at all. If there's a reason, it's well beyond your understanding. I remember when my daughter was born, my oldest daughter. I remember feeling I would do anything for this child, and she had done nothing. All she had done was be born, and it wasn't because I wanted a legacy. She existed, and I felt like I would give my everything to participate in this existence. That's what it means to be a parent. So, a little humility when you go home, humbled by the love that your parents have given you, which means, in this case, expressing hakarasatov to your parents, helping whenever you can, words of gratitude, acts of service, all the various languages of love. Whatever it means, give your mother a hug. Whatever it means to love your mother and your father, I shouldn't leave dads out of this also. Make sure that you're giving them whatever you have. Girls have a wonderful Pesach.