It's Not The Bite Of The Snake That Kills You, It's The Venom ~ Baal Shem Tov (Part 2)

2:20 I think it goes something like this. I was talking to a young man today. It's all these decisions in front of him. I asked him, "What do you want?" It's not so pashut to know what a person wants. It's not a simple thing. The process of not knowing what he wants is part of the process of the discovery of what he wants. Does that make sense? In other words, right now he's sort of like in a free fall. I could go this way, I could go that way, I could go a third way. There's so many different issues, the complexities of how all these things tie together. It's a whole ASIC. Right, so in that free fall of not knowing what's he discovering, he's discovering that future self it's going to turn out based on the decisions that he makes. He's going to go, oh turns out I wanted this. It turns out that was something I learned to negotiate. It turns out this was something that I couldn't negotiate. And so we learn a lot about ourselves.

3:26 And then the future self that we become manages the initial fall that we had. Does that make sense? The fall becomes contextualized. I know the bell bothers me also. But why can't they just finish the song? They're like so. It stops in the middle. I hear you. It's painful to me too. So you're saying in order to know what we want, we first have to not know it. Exactly. The beginning of understanding begins with not knowing. You can't know something before you didn't know it. If you fall, the future self that you will become from that fall is part of the process of becoming that future self that will ultimately pick you up. When the Balshanto said, "It's not the bite of the snake that will kill you; it's the venom," right? As you begin to think about it, it's the bite of the snake, right? It doesn't kill you. Why doesn't it kill you?

4:25 You understand? Finish it off. Other rabba, because the process that you're going to go through from the bite of the snake is going to be an exceptional process. What's the venom? The venom is if you don't go through the process. You understand? The venom is here. I made a mistake. I fell. Now At this present moment, that failure that you had to do to align yourself properly with reality and to do the right thing. What would you look at it? What would you say when you looked at it? You would say "How did it feel to do this avera? Did it work for me? Is that really what I want?" And in that failure, there's a tremendous amount of potential. Maybe your initial response, maybe even your initial response for twenty years, will be, "Yeah, it worked for me. I don't really care to daven. I don't really care to put on tefillah. I don't really care to keep Shabbos. But embedded within that avera is the capacity to ultimately get to the core essence of it, which is to do tshuva. Sometimes a person has to fall sometimes for twenty years at a time. They're on a journey, heading somewhere for those twenty years.

5:40 But at some point they're going to stop and they're going to go maybe right. They're going to stop and go. This is not what I want. There's that epiphany of the truth. So I'll give you an example of this. I've told this story before. Some of you have heard it. Some of you have not. My uncle Al Uncle Al did not grow up an Orthodox Jew. Uncle Al did not become an adult, nor as an elderly man, as an Orthodox Jew. His children are not Orthodox Jews. He had never been. He had never been to visit Israel. And. His first trip to Israel after my parents made aliyahs, my dad's sister and her husband Uncle Al is her husband. On his first trip to Israel, they weren't even going to the Kotel. They were on one of these non-denominational tours. They didn't go to the Kotel. They took them to Jordan to see what they have over there. One of the seven wonders of the world is in Jordan.

6:45 So they went there. They have some like it's what, a cave thing? It's supposed to be very beautiful. They didn't even go to the kotel. So my father got so upset at his sister. He said, "Fran, you came all the way to Israel. You're not going to the kotel. Please extend your trip. I want to give you the Jewish tour of Israel." So they extended their trip. And on their way down to the kotel, as they're walking down the steps, Al He starts like you could see he's starting to tear up. And as they're getting closer and closer to the kotel, he's heaving and sobbing. And my father is literally holding. And by the time he gets to the kotel, he falls like tachanin on the kotel, just balling, balling, balling. He says to my father, "I have to put on tefillin." He probably had not put on tefillin since his bar mitzvah, and with you, those tefillin that he put on were probably not kosher. So maybe he never put on tefillin a day in his life.

7:38 Thankfully There's always tefillin around the kotel area. Chabad guy sees the opportunity and comes running over. And that day my uncle Al turned to my father and he said I must put on tefillin. I must put on tefillin. I have to buy tefillin. So they went to a sefer in the old city and bought tefillin on the spot. I have no idea if my uncle Al ever put on tefillin again. But what led him to that moment? It was the absence of all of Yiddishkeit for so long. For us, so many of us come to the Kotel for the first time and we don't feel anything. And guys come to me afterwards and they're frustrated. They're like, I didn't feel anything. Because sometimes we feel so saturated with it that we don't feel it, and maybe that's okay also. It's not maybe the best, but it's right. So the absence is what created the opportunity for him to have that emotional experience.

8:32 Now imagine again. I don't know that. Al has ever put on tefillin the day afterwards. But imagine if the story had been that, as a result of that day, Al bought tefillin and put on tefillin every single day. It could be that the entire journey had nothing to do Ostensibly with Yiddishkeit, in its essence was really what a journey towards. This doesn't work for me. If a person comes to me and says, "Rabbi, I don't keep Shabbos." ", what's from? Well. Shouldn't I be keeping Shabbos? I don't know. Should you? There's a part of me that wants. So there's a part of you that wants to keep Shabbos. But there's also a part of me that doesn't. So there's a part of you that doesn't, right? And what happens within that conflict, right? If I fall. But now, let's say I stop keeping Shabbos, and then you wake up one day and you're like, "This is not good."

9:25 This is not a good life. And that goofah becomes the impetus for the future self. So I know a woman. I'll open it up to questions. I know a woman from Montzie who married a guy, a complete gentile from Haiti. She had three kids with him. The kids were Jewish, but obviously they were not being raised as observant Jews. She was married to a guy. She was not interested bechol. And one day she woke up, and the absence of Judaism in her life bothered her so much that she divorced her husband and brought her kids back to live in New York to raise them as Orthodox Jews. He ended up becoming a ger because he was so moved by what his wife experienced. He said there must be some truth to this Judaism thing. No. The opposite. He wasn't divorced. He had full access to his kids. It had nothing to do with getting remarried.

10:20 In fact, if you become a ger to get remarried, it's not a good gerus. He was completely separated. They did. They got remarried. But it was the absence of Judaism that created the pure desire for it. Now you'll say some people don't get there. Jonathan, you had something you wanted to say before. I wanted to add to what we're saying in terms of this new quote. If I fall, my future self will pick me up. It's in a certain sense beyond just the fall in the first place being part and parcel of becoming the future self. Could we say that it's the becoming of the future self, which, in a certain regard, picks up the having fallen in the first place and puts it between what? Exactly. That's exactly what it's saying. It's saying that if I fall, my future self, which I only become because of the fall, will now recontextualize that initial fall, and it won't be considered a fall anymore.

11:19 It's like you needed to fall in order to learn that thing to become that person, right? I've given the Kobe Bryant, Marshall before, right? But Kobe Bryant said they asked him, "Do you play the game to win or do you play the game not to lose?" He said neither because either way you lose. If you play the game to win, sometimes you lose. If you play the game not to lose, sometimes you lose. So I play the game, he said, to learn. Every time you play, you learn something. If you did something and it didn't work, what did you learn? Don't do that again. The way you become great is by constantly being in a state of learning. So you only have to say, "If I fall." Now, what happens? I become the future self because of the failure itself. I learned, "Hey, that doesn't work for me." And then that future self, as it looks back on that initial, let's say that Kobe Bryant miss, what does it say?

12:07 It was never a fall because that's exactly how I learned to become this person to begin with. Going off that, I'll say maybe it's a little different. A quote, but it's kind of like you tell yourself, "When I fall." Very good. In other words, there is also an excellent point. There is also a confidence you can sense in the Balshemtos quote that he wasn't losing. In other words, this really goes back to the quote we said yesterday. That it's not the bite of the snake that kills you; it's the venom. After I do the avera, I know about myself. That I have the capacity to hold this. I'm right, and that's a good thing. To be able to say I am someone who's reliable. The point is that after I've fallen, I know I'm okay. There will be a future self. I haven't lost that. That's an excellent point that you're making. The future, I'm confident in that future self to pick me up, which is the exact opposite of shame. Shame means no confidence. I'm unworthy of love and connection.

13:20 The feeling of regret means I am a godly soul. I have godly dignity. Of course, I'm capable. It's the abundance mentality. Excellent point. Superb. So just expanding that point and giving more context to what I was talking about. While it may seem childish, I think it actually kind of adds. So I had a few old adages that I created myself when it came to when Rambam would drown me in homework, and because they did so in waves. Say it was Monday night, and I was drowning in like five different assignments. Some of them do the next day. Some of them do later in the week. I would get done what I could, and then it would be two in the morning, and I'd be like, "Well, I have to go to sleep now, otherwise I'm not going to be able to function tomorrow." So, if something was due Thursday, I'd say, Screw future me. That's what I said to myself.

14:14 Screw future me. I'm going to sleep. And then So what I was doing in that moment was making a responsible choice, and I was saying I'm reliable. And there was going to be a consequence, and I was aware of that consequence. Then the very next day, when I had to face that consequence, I said, Well, this sucks, and this is what yesterday's future me was. But I'm reliable, and now I'm going to get that done. These are the consequences of my actions. I know I'm reliable, and now I'm going to get this done. This is what I was doing. I think there was a Simpsons episode like that many years ago. Homer kept saying, "It's future self's problem." I don't even know what I'm talking about. I didn't get this. I feel I just dated myself terribly. I just want you to know. Every one of you is a bad person. You just made me feel really old. But I'm pretty sure there was a Simpsons episode like that.

15:07 I did it to myself. I'm proud to say I came up with that on my own. But what's The Simpsons? It's like Family Guy, but just with different characters. You're actually a hundred percent right. To be able to say I've done what I need to do for now, I'm not capable of doing more. But I believe that a future version of myself is capable of handling this. I think that's jumping off what you said. A really, really beautiful point. And then when you get to that future self, yes, it's hard. But that future self is also capable. And that's a really, again, a really beautiful thing. I like that better than what you said before. So you said yesterday we continue the conversation about having a certain godly essence, and no matter what actions you perform, your core is still right. So that being said, are all Jews equally godly?

16:02 Or can we become Or we're not equally godly, but become more godly? You can't be more and less godly, right? Because if godly means infinite, you can't be more and less of that which is beyond numbers. But it doesn't mean that our lives are all equally godly. Our lives are also. Our meaning, my life, the life force itself is infinitely godly. But what I choose to do with that, some people are leading very godly lives, and some people are leading very human lives. Actions can be godly. My actions can be more or less godly. I cannot be more or less godly. Mark. When you said earlier that after the future self gets into the picture, it wasn't a fall because the fall led to the future self, which wasn't that good in the end. But it was still a fall. If we're all equally godly throughout, the person before and the person after are equally godly. So it's all about the expression. If that's how we're reading it, meaning Did I do the wrong thing? Is that what you're asking?

17:11 Let's say a person didn't keep Shabbos. Did he do the wrong thing? Yes. No. Did he? Yes, absolutely, he did. We can agree to that. Also, Chazal say that if he did tshuva me'ava, our zdonos or nasa lo kischuyos, our averos become merits for us. After he does chufa me'ava, what will happen? It means it will be a merit for him. So two things can be true at once. In, if you're looking at it from a linear perspective, on day two, he didn't keep Shabbos. By day seven, as we look back on that lack of keeping Shabbos, it's not that he kept Shabbos, but the lack of keeping Shabbos became a chus for him. How could the lack of keeping Shabbos become a chus for him? The answer is because right because the process of not keeping Shabbos became that absence right with embedded within any lack is a wholeness. The discovery of that wholeness sometimes has to occur. Often has to occur from the place of lack. Rebbe said, "You have this idea. Almost everything that you we've ever done" Myself included.

18:21 How did we change? Where did that change come from? It came from the fact that I wasn't doing it right. That I got sick of being this way. And when you got sick of being that way, that's when you actually began to change. Would you have actually achieved that level if you were always doing the right thing? Perhaps not. I've brought this example before, but the alcoholic who becomes sober—some of those people are the most deeply spiritual people in the world. Would they have become so deeply spiritual had they not suffered from alcoholism? Probably not. So embedded within the lack itself is the wholeness that they discovered. Did you do an aver? Did you not keep Shabbos? Of course you did. You didn't keep Shabbos. You did the wrong thing. Afterwards, as I look back on it and I recontextualize it, the best thing that ever happened to me was that aver.

19:14 And now that aver served as a schuz for me. I still did the wrong thing at the time. At the time, it was the wrong thing. Of course, but now it was a good thing. Turns out if you were able to discover the wholeness within the lack. And discovering the wholeness within the lack I'm not more godly in the end. But you've made the world a more godly place. And that, so there's more expression of godliness, but not necessarily in action because it could be that In action. Because now the way that I keep Shabbos. If on day one was the first Shabbos, day seven was the second Shabbos. Day seven Shabbos is fundamentally different because of day one Shabbos. It's a completely different Shabbos. And that could be worth more than two Shabbosim. I would never know how to make that chesedin. But it's certainly true. Two things can be true at once. That's what builds up. So I should do the averus, and I can experience the lack. You will do averus. The work is to find the wholeness within the lack.

20:17 So people come to me all the time, says Rabbi. I can't stand myself. I'm struggling with shmeres and I am. I mamish can't stand myself. So what's the? It's okay for you to experience the fact that you're not proud of yourself right now, and you are, as you just said, right. You're confident enough in your future self, so you have the capacity to say this isn't working for me. I don't feel good afterwards. I don't like who I am. Zip. What about people who like? Grew up, we've just been talking about Balchulas or people like. What about people who grew up without that lack? The from birth people. We're five. We had three of the greatest tortoises around him all the time, and then he just grew up and became a tortoise. Big surprise, himself. Was his lack. I have no idea. I couldn't possibly begin.

21:12 I couldn't possibly speak to that, but I was going to make the point you're making. I once asked my rebbe. My rebbe told me that he had a fear of Hashem's din. So I said, Rebbe And I think at the time when we had this conversation, he was in his eighties. I was like, Rebbe, you just spent the last fifty years of your life teaching Torah to thousands upon thousands of talmidim. You dedicated most of your day to preparing the sheira to give over to the guys. I can't imagine how many haveres, Rebbe, did like. If Rebbe is afraid of Hashem's din, then What am I? What am I gonna do? He said everyone has their struggles, and you don't know mine. So I couldn't possibly answer your question. I just know that everybody on their level has their lack, and within that lack is the wholeness that they need to find. I couldn't possibly speak to what it is.

22:06 I know, you said, this mindset. You might think that you should run towards the eretz, and then. Even at that level, that's not the right outlook. But But still Unknowing is outlook. How much you try and still veer from the bayroads? Cause should you just naturally let it happen if you don't grab it anyway, and it's part of the process, or should you actively? How much you actively try and avoid falling? Of course, we should always do our best to do the right thing. But inevitably, we will fall. Inevitably, fall. It's built into the process. The lack, let's put it this way: if for five minutes you were able to have self control That's amazing. If after five minutes the self control fell apart Now you're in a new world. You're in a world where you have an opportunity to discover the wholeness within the lack. But we don't run towards the lack. The lack will be there plenty. We do everything we can to avoid it. But when we're there, there's an opportunity to mine the nugget. Two things.

23:13 One is not more in terms of what was said. I kind of think that if a person does even not less than forms the lack, but more allows for the lack to happen in the first place. Then that mindset in the first place is going to be one where the person is not becoming the future self that they're looking to become. Because every time there's a lack, you're going to be okay with the lack. If you're okay with the lack, you're not going to learn to become that future self. Or you could have made the opposite argument too. You could have said that being okay with the lack is the path to discovering the wholeness within the lack. Right? Because the person who's not okay So I'm saying so, but that's a subtle difference. Because the person who's not okay with the lack, let's say who falls into the world of shame and they don't know how to not be perfect, they will also not find the wholeness within the lack.

24:06 Exactly. So I think what you mean to say is that a person we would hope would cultivate an attitude of ambition towards discovering the holiness within the lack. Always striving for perfection, knowing that one might fall, but that's okay. On condition that I'm still striving for perfection. But the lack, just to be clear, of being a person who's not ambitious. That's also part of the fall that will one day lead to that future self. So it's right. So you have to be willing to allow, even for a person who's not striving for perfection. That's also part of a fall, which ultimately could be a future self that will pick yourself back up. The second thing was in terms of what our over here was saying before, in terms of every in terms of what we said there, that every person's soul is completely godly, and that therefore it cannot grow.

24:59 Decrease. In that regard In terms of Hashem, Hashem can't grow, right? Is it a fair line of thinking to say that, at that point, being that we have a piece of Hashem inside of each and every one of us That we are kind of the actualization of Hashem's ability Too far a field to answer that question now. There is a school in Kabbalistic thought that speaks about Hashem's. Hashem's perfection is discovered within this world, and that we are the expression of Hashem's growth. You have to know exactly what that means. You have to say it in a very, very careful way, because otherwise you could end up being a koyfer. It's just too far a field for us to handle today. Let's get started because when you mentioned doing the beris and where that might lead you It reminded me of something when Tanya was in about.

25:58 About uplifting errors and how even if you make a mistake There is a way that you can uplift it to a point where it's not on the same level. So if I don't really know how to go further with that, that was it. Kind of resonated with me the way you said that because if you make a mistake and then you look back on it a year from now. That got you to where you are. You're elevating that mistake by growing and learning from it. Exactly right. And you Let's say that for example, there are guys that again I'm going to say this in a funny way. Let's say there are guys that in high school learn a lot more And then they come to Israel and they continue to learn a lot. But perhaps because they never had the absence of Hashem in their lives, the passion can be somewhat lacking.

26:55 But certainly, a guy who comes to Israel and discovers the beauty of learning, and he realizes what's been missing from his life for his high school years, sometimes the expression afterwards in his Judaism is much more passionate because of that, and that might be ultimately in the long term something that really aids his growth. So back to what Sam was saying before about the Kedoy Kedar. Obviously, it's just not the case with all of them. Sure, many of them were great from the start. Practically out of the room. But I've definitely heard stories of children that were actually very troubled kids, sort of like Einstein failed some of his classes at school. Maybe they had an issue that they couldn't learn in the classroom, but because they were just too bright, they couldn't sit still. And they use their talent. They're challenged. They have to use their talents. Also, learn how to develop that as they mature and as they enter adulthood and learn to use those talents to become a great person from there.

27:53 So maybe that was their challenge. Later on, it was maintaining it. But in the beginning of the lesson It could be again. I couldn't possibly answer about Ruchaim, for example. Though I know they tell stories that he was a Levitic child, but I don't know what that means. But for example, the Gemara talks about Reish Lakish. Reish Lakish was abandoned. Reish Lakish In theory, [he] was attempting to do major harm to Riv Eichonin when he jumped into the river. And before he became where he became from. So certainly true, Rav Akiva. For the first forty years of his life, he was not just ignorant. He hated Talmidei Chachamim. Said that he wanted to bite their heels like a donkey He wanted to crack their bones in half. And that's certainly true. Those people could potentially argue that the lack in the beginning is what created the godless in the end.

28:43 Anything worth saying is worth thinking about in terms of how you interact with others, like a friend. Let's say, like a kid. If you have a kid and you're raising him, and you see he's about to To like doing a vayrab Is it your responsibility to prevent him from doing that, or do you have the responsibility to let him do that and then become a better person? What a wonderful question. What a wonderful question. In terms of chinuch habanim, you're saying In terms of any interaction with someone else Should you stop your friend from doing a vayrab Or should you understand that it will lead him to be a better person if you don't? Let's put it this way Let's just put it into parenting for a second. Of course, we have a responsibility to teach our child right from wrong. And of course, we have a responsibility to position our child to do right.

29:33 And sometimes, some children grow up with Tacit approval of the wrong thing. Meaning, sometimes you have parents that, let's say, maybe themselves they're not so observant, and maybe their kid being is not so observant, and they go, "It's okay." No, meaning maybe even not that. Maybe there's a, maybe even a subtle wink. Maybe it's like a, "Yeah, go ahead, do your thing." I'm saying like right, you're like daze it a like Dab it up with their teenage sons, be like, "I'm proud of you." Maybe even let's say just don't tell mom. Like one of those types of situations. Obviously, that's the wrong thing to do. But, it's a little bit. It's a little bit too much personal here. But how we respond when our children make mistakes is fundamental Because if we teach our children when they make a mistake that that's the end of the road, and Yehuda was saying before, we zap them of that confidence, and we don't teach them that this is now part of a process that they're on.

30:37 That's not so good either. So you have On the one hand, let's say you have parents that are too strict and they don't know how to teach their child to get up after the fall. And on the other hand, sometimes you have parents that are too loose and sort of saying they'll just figure it out. At some point they'll go to Israel. Be a difference in the ages before and after Bar Mitzvah. I would even be more specific than that. It's not just special before and after Bar Mitzvah. It's also, you have to know your child, and you have to know that ninth grade is different than tenth grade, and tenth grade is different than eleventh grade, and eleventh grade is different than twelfth grade. Isn't it the best to just set a good example and respect them to make the choice? Yes and no. Because of course the best thing you could do is set a good example. But we do have to respond when our children make mistakes.

31:27 But mistakes between them and God. If you teach them what is right by setting an example they know You just have to make sure that they know. Not necessarily. I don't necessarily agree with that. So maybe never. But let's put it this way: trees need trellises in order to grow straight. And children need rules and boundaries, and that's important. Making healthy rules and healthy boundaries is really important. But for example, if somebody said to me, "Look, I keep Shabbos, my kid doesn't." I role modeled it for them, and after that, it's up to them. I'm not convinced that that's good chinuch. What is? I think whatever a person does, and there are a myriad of choices. We cannot make people do anything. But I don't think it's as simple as we allow this in our home. A person is able to say, this is our home. We're asking you to be respectful. There are some important conversations to have, and even well before that. Again, I think I want to be careful that this doesn't become a conversation. But what do we do with children who go off the derech? Because that is a fascinating conversation, but la vdaftka today's topic. I do think that that's very important to say. I don't think it's as simple as look

32:54 I role modeled it, and you are a big boy; you make your own choices. I think a fourteen, fifteen, sixteen-year-old kid needs boundaries. I think that's a healthy thing. They say that. I'll give you an example. You're really picking between the lesser of two evils. Something positive that you know for sure you can do. I don't understand the question. That you said either you can do one thing, which was what was the first thing you said that wasn't good, which is to try to be too strict. What did we say? Be too strict. I guess tell them exactly what they're doing, whether it's wrong or right, or alternatively, like what Chris said, just letting them do their thing, and then afterwards deciding from there, which is also you said, is not so good. But I think both of them, the way you're describing, it's almost like you're picking between the lesser of two evils.

33:40 Again, I think both of those scenarios are very black and white, and I think there's a tremendous amount of gray nuance in between them. You're saying you have to understand the judgment call in that area of gray. For sure, and when our children do make mistakes, we have to teach them. So what's the opportunity now? Does that work for you? And maybe the child says yes, and maybe that speaks to a more underlying problem. Like a kid in our community who doesn't like learning, I would say there's an opportunity there. A great parent would ask them to like. People in general love to learn. Forget Gamora for a second. People in general love to. They learn something. They go, that was cool. It's not just power. It's the natural mind. We enjoy learning. So when kids don't like learning, we have to ask ourselves why.

34:28 And then maybe they require a completely different chinuch than the next. So that's a complex question. What is a healthy response? So it goes like this. We'll finish off the share with this. We hold ourselves accountable. Accountability is a very healthy thing because accountability is not blame. Blame is the discharge of emotion. When someone blames somebody else That's not the same thing as holding somebody else accountable. So if somebody comes late this year And I hold them accountable. Is that blame or is that accountability? What would you say? You say to them. Let's say you say to them. You have a responsibility to be here on time. It's within the first couple minutes. I'm not going to say anything. But after that, I'm going to say something to you. And if it continues to happen, at some point we'll have to say It's no longer a respectful environment. Is that blame or accountability? That's accountability.

35:40 If a rebbe blows up and goes, 'Get out! How dare you!' What do you think that's chinuch or accountability or blame? That sounds like blame. Feels like blame. When somebody loses their stuff, it's much more about blame. Meaning, the point is that when we make mistakes, we don't because we are enough for ourselves. We allow ourselves to now go through the process of feeling all of the feelings that come up with making the mistake. And owning that And that's called holding ourselves accountable. If somebody says Here's a classic example. Let's say a guy goes to the Rebbe and says, 'I'm really struggling with this. I've been telling myself for months that I'm going to get better at it, and honestly, Rabbi, I'm not any better at it. So I guess I don't care.' Is that true? What's he doing in that moment? He's shirking accountability. He's just discharging emotion. He's saying, "I don't care anymore." So I don't care.

36:39 He's blaming himself. In a certain sense, he's like, "I can't handle these emotions." Defund accountability. Defund. So let's say, for example Holding yourself accountable in that way would be. Clearly, this is something of import to me because I've been trying at it for months. And I'm okay to feel the feelings of failure. You know the difference. And there, and now, because I feel the feelings of failure, I can now discover within that feeling of failure the wholeness that's embedded within. I don't want to feel these feelings of failure anymore. And as a result, maybe that's how they get moving. As opposed to having the emotional temper tantrum, not allowing yourself to feel the feelings of failure. Just discharging that emotion so that you don't take it in, and never discovering the wholeness that was within the lack. Do you hear the difference? Accountability is allowing yourself to feel the feelings of failure.

37:35 And recognize the wholeness within the feelings of failure. That's how I begin to make change. That's supposed to blame, which is an attempt to take these feelings of failure and put them outside of yourself so as to no longer feel them. When a person is at a point after that, where just at the end of the day, the feelings are still going to be there, and you're going to have to be accountable for them at some point. That's true. Maybe not now. So if we take your example, let's say somebody is struggling for shoppers, and for several months doesn't make any change, Arby confronts him. So for him, even to make. Whatever to take any external factor, any sort of excuse would be a form of blame. Versus saying, Rebbe, I'm not going to say anything. I, it's on me. There's no reason why I should not be accountable. Exactly, and then it would be not just saying, and now I'm going to come. It would be something like That didn't really feel comfortable when that Rebbe said that to me because what he was saying was true.

38:29 And I feel like I haven't been living in harmony with the truth. And that's sort of uncomfortable. You could feel it in your heart, and you could feel it like expanding a little bit, and then you go, "Ooh" I really do want to be a person that goes to shachars. I don't want to be living not in consonance with the truth. And then tomorrow, making the decision that holds myself accountable because that uncomfortable feeling led to the growth itself. Sam. So if someone is If someone like an Onis likes a thing He for whatever reason like. Of course, that's not what we're talking about because that would also be inappropriate accountability. In that case, it would be appropriate to hold yourself accountable. Let's say there was someone who has Crohn's disease. This happened a number of times. And I guess if you have Crohn's disease, your stomach issues in the morning are exquisitely painful.

39:19 And they don't make it to shachers. To say to themselves "I really should be making it to shachers. I know I'm really not feeling well, but I really should be pushing myself to go to shachers. That might also be discharging the emotions. Like maybe it's the right thing for you not to go to shachers when you're in that level of pain." So too much accountability. Too much accountability is not accountability either. That's blame. That's just another way of discharging the emotion. Is that blame for yourself? Could be, but it's inappropriate blame. That's the point. In other words, in that case, let's say it was the appropriate thing not to go to shachers. You're not actually servicing anybody by going to shachers in that case. Gersley. We'll stop here for today. Rabose, have a wonderful Shabbos.