Devarim - When Love Feels Like Hate: The Wound Behind Tisha B’Av

1:42 But I never, in my life, when I was learning the story of the Chet Amiraglim, I never heard Klal Yisrael stand up and go, 'Must be that God hates us, and really He only took us here to kill us.' That's a wild thing to say. Why in the world would they say that? And also, it's an interesting thing. If you were sitting there in Mitzrayim, so let's see what you saw. You were slaves for 210 years. That's not good. But then dams farleya kinnim arov dever shrin right all of a sudden you're seeing all the makos and they're only impacting who, mitsvah. They're only impacting the mitsvah, right? And it's like clear this is happening miraculously. And then you get to the Yam Suf, God splits the sea and drowns all of the meraglim. And then you have Har Sinai and Hashem comes and gives you the Torah.

2:27 What's your feeling at this point? Does God take you out because He loves you or because He hates you? I would assume it's because God loves us. Fair? Seems. Every single thing here indicates to me that God is taking us out because He has somewhere that He wants to bring us. He wants to bring us to Eretz Yisrael. I assume because God says, "I want to build something with you. I want to build a home for you. I want to live with you. I want to have a special designated land where we get to live together." And now all of a sudden the Miraglim come back. They say, "Whoa, that land is full of giants!" And they go, "God hates us. Where did that come from?" Like I would have said, "Oh, that's really scary, right?" And maybe I would have said, "I have a moon and Hashem that God's going to win this war for us," or maybe I would have said, "I'm too scared." But that's a weird thing to say. God hates me. Where in the world did that come from? And there's a Rashi here, a very interesting Rashi. Rashi says, "Vehu haya ohev eshem."

3:24 Really, God loved them. But really, you hated God. It wasn't that God hated you; it was that you hated God. And Rashi says, 'Mishal hedyet omer mad be libcha al rachamach.' I'm sorry, my eyes are failing me. Mad be libcha al rachamach. Mad be libe alach. What's on your heart? You end up projecting onto somebody else. You ever do that? You ever like feel some sort of way about someone and then say that's the way that they're looking at you? Really, Rashi's coming along and saying a wild thing. Of course, they couldn't have believed that God hated them. Really, what was going on? They hated God. That's also very strange. Why? Why would they hate God? And where did that come from? By the way, where did that come from?

4:20 If somebody loves you incredibly, all of a sudden, because something looks scary, you hate God. So let's think about this. What's the story? The story is the Miraglim came back. They said this land is terrifying, and we're going to die. Then Klali Yisrael went, God hates us, and he's brought us here because he wants to kill us. But really, Rashi says they only told that story because they hated God, so they were projecting their feelings. Since they hated God, they made up a story that God hated them. Where did that hatred come from? You want to try? I learned in school one time. It's because once they, once Hashem saved them, they had to keep the Torah, and they felt like they had because of this Torah that they had to keep. They felt trapped, and they didn't want to keep this Torah. It's a very beautiful idea.

5:16 Could be. That's a stunning idea to think about. I just wonder because we're after the chet ha'ego, right? So they already learned that they could do tshuva and they don't have to be perfect. So why, as if somebody comes to you and says you have to be perfect, that's terrifying, right? But if somebody comes to you and they say you don't have to be perfect, like it's okay, I get that imperfection is part of the process, then I don't necessarily feel such a need to run away. And it's an interesting idea. I want to show. I want to tell you an unbelievable idea. You want to? You want to give it a shot? I was gonna say maybe they just thought that everything was gonna be easy for them after, like they got taken out of the shem, and the shem was gonna make a path for them and they would go and it'd be easy. Now they're like upset because now everything is not gonna be so easy. It's a very interesting pshat. You know who says that? The Alter Rebbe of Lubavitch, the first Lubavitcher Rebbe, says that pshat that in the midbar everything was very easy, everything was given to them, and now they were transitioning to a life where things were gonna be hard, and that was terrifying.

6:07 Great, great answer. My only question is, but still, hate. It's like a funny. You're right. You're 100% right. But I hate God. That's weird. Maybe they felt tricked. When starting from when God did all these amazing miracles for them, and they went to Israel and saw all of this stuff, and they came back and it was all a trick. It was a trap. So they looked at it, and this is an interesting thing because we tell stories about what we think is happening. So many stories were available to them. They chose the one that says it's a trap. You're right, as they showed up and they go it's a trap. And why did they say it's a trap? Because they said God hates us. Now I know God hates us. He's trying to trap. Why did they say this story that it's a trap? Really, because they hated God. Also, didn't they want to go? Why did they hate God? Where's that? Didn't they want to go though? They're the ones who said they wanted to go. They wanted to go where? Eretz Yisrael. God said he wanted them to go to Eretz Yisrael.

7:07 I can't even fathom them saying that Hashem hates someone. Isn't that crazy? The whole thing, on all the mom just so why are you saying that after he did so many things for you they're just saying that he hates for some reason. So it's very strange, no? Maybe they were just terrified. Hate is such a strong word. And this, so this is Moshe Rabenu is telling them. He's telling what they. He's telling them. Vateragnu baaleichem. You guys were all murmuring in the tents. You were all whispering there. You were all upset. Yeah. And you said, must be God hates us, and He brought us out of Mitzrayim to give us over to the Amorim to kill us.

7:52 And Rashi says, just to make sure we have the order. Moshe Rabbeinu said to Klal Yisrael, "This is what you were doing." Rashi says, because they were projecting their own hate that they had for God. They said, "God hates us," but really, it's because they hated God. And that's such a strange thing, because how in the world could God have hated them? Everything indicates that God loves them. The man, the Slav, taking them out of Mitzrayim, miraculous, creating Yamos, giving them the Torah. Now all of a sudden you come up on one pressure point, and all of a sudden everything falls apart. That's very strange. I also think it's relatable in a sense. Tell me what's relatable about it. I feel like if you're getting along with a person, and all of a sudden they do something that's a little off, especially for me, I'm like oh my god, they hate me now. It's like an insecurity, I just project it, say okay, they hate me, but they don't hate me. Maybe I did something wrong.

8:42 That is that's a very important point. That something could happen, and it could just be in that moment, or it could be something larger. Maybe they just didn't like. Hashem doesn't have emotions, so if. And Hashem doesn't have a bad day. If Hashem is doing something bad, it's not like you can't be like, Hashem's having a hard day, like tough up there. No, if the Torah says that God, that they said God hates us, and it's really just their own projection, we have to understand what's going on. So I want to share with you something unbelievable. Such a game-changing, life-changing idea. If you get this, I would argue one of the most important ideas in all of Judaism. There's a svarno. There's an unbelievable svarno. You have to. I'm going to read it to you inside. It's such an unbelievable svarno. It's a game changer. Be sinas Hashem usanu.

9:31 Klal Yisrael said, "Must be God hates us." Listen what he says: "Amasha avadnu avodah zarah b'Mitzrayim." You know why God hates us? Because we were worshiping idols in Mitzrayim. Las esosanu bi'adam amorim, and that's why he's going to give us over to the Amorim to kill us. Even though Hashem could for sure kill the Amorites, he's going to get revenge on us. For the idolatry that we served in Mitzrayim. I want you to take a second to think about this. Was anyone alive at that point who was actually in Mitzrayim? No. Let's think about that. That's able to worship. So here we are, Moshe Rabbeinu's at the very end. Forty years later, we're in the desert. We're about to go into Eretz Yisrael. Moshe Rabbeinu's giving his last big speech to Klal Yisrael, that's safer dvarim, and he's telling them about their parents, because remember, all their parents died, right? So he's saying, I just want to tell you what happened. You had nothing to do with this, but your parents, they said when the meraglim came back. Now you're going to see the brilliance of this dvar. Now they said, we see that the emorim are very strong, and for sure God could absolutely kill them, but He won't.

11:00 In fact, he's been waiting to take his revenge on who? On us. Why? Because this whole thing was really a trap. Why was it a trap? Because we did avodah zarah. So God said, I'm gonna kill you. But it's gonna be like the most unbelievable form of revenge. It's like keep your enemies closer. So God really hates us. And then he's gonna take us out miraculously, and he's gonna kill the entire Egyptian army, and he's gonna give us a Torah, and he's gonna give us money, he's gonna give us love, and we're gonna think, hey, we're great. And then God's gonna go, you think you're great? Remember, you worshipped Avodah Zarah, and now you're all dead. And who's Moshe Rabbeinu telling this to? To a generation of people that never experienced this. Why is he telling them about this? And it doesn't really appear in the story. If you go back when it happened, right? It's not there. This Moshe Rabbeinu telling them it was what you were whispering. Meaning, where was it really? It was in their subconscious. This what was going on in your heart. So now we have an unbelievable idea, and it goes like this.

11:58 You ever have a feeling after you did something wrong that you're like, not just I did something bad, but now I am bad, like feel something like this, and tell me if this makes sense to you, after you've crossed, remember y'all like in your life promised yourself that there's an error that you wouldn't do, remember when you did it, right? Everyone has like a line that they won't cross, and then they're like, I'm gonna cross that line, so what happens is when you cross that line, you start to go, I know who I really am. Like really, I'm not my good stuff, right? I am my worst moments. And what happens when you start to think that you're your worst moments? Then you actually become it, right? Because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's what Chazal say. Avera go re'as avera. You do one avera and then you do another one. Why? Why would I do another avera just because I did the first one? Because now I'm identified. Now I'm identified with the avera.

12:54 This difference is the difference between shame and guilt. What does guilt mean? Guilt means, listen carefully. I did something beneath my dignity. It's not me. In fact, the reason why it's if you have guilt, it's like uncomfortable, right? Because it's like I don't want to do that again, right? And it's like yuck. That's like, you know, if you ever eat a full tray of brownies, I know now. I know who I didn't know who you girls were. Now I know who you were. And I know the way you eat brownies. How do girls eat brownies? Because you also eat the entire tray. Boys eat the tray aggressively, right? Boys just take like rows, but you girls take half a brownie at a time. You're just evening it out. You're just having a little bit, and before long, you've had an entire tray of brownies. And then, how do you feel after that tray of brownies? You feel very good, disgusting. You feel right. And that's why the next time around, if you really are like, ugh, I don't want to do that again, the next time around.

13:53 You won't do it, right? But if you go, I guess I'm a person that eats brownies by the tray. Then you know what you do. The next time a tray of brownies is available to you, you do it again, right? And then you go from a tray of brownies to a pie of pizza, right? And then all of a sudden your serving sizes in your head. You start eating like Fig Newtons by the sleeve. You buy one of those like Oreo packages and you're just like that's for me, right?

14:24 You'll see when you go to seminary. I see it here. I see it with the boys in yeshiva. I see it with myself, right? Why? Because once you start to identify and you go, 'I am my lowest moment,' right? That's called shame. Shame means I'm unworthy of love and connection because of the way that I behaved. And when we do an avera, and we feel a deep sense of shame, you know what the story we have inside of ourselves is? Oh man, God is gonna get me! God is not gonna get you. That's not what God wants to do. God is a loving father. No loving father has ever wanted to catch their child or punish their child. But you know who's really telling that story? You are. That's the story that happens inside of ourselves. I'm worthy now, and this the story. Klal Yisrael is telling themselves. This what Rashi told us, right? They're sitting there going like this. They're going like, we worshiped Avodah Zarah. Not we did something wrong. We are bad.

15:21 And since I am bad, a bad thing is going to happen to me. And you know what? The worst thing that can happen to me is that someone will pretend to love me, and bring me very close, and then in the last moment crush me. That's the story Klal Yisrael was telling themselves. So they had it inside of them. And the entire time that Hashem is doing all these miracles, it was happening subconsciously underneath there. Underneath Hashem Dams Radei Kinen, everything is miraculous. Kriyas Yam Suf, seeing the entire Egyptian army going, they're going like. God loves us, but there's a voice inside of them that's going like this: Maybe not. Maybe we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though he brought them to the desert and he gave them the Torah and the man and the slav, but inside, what's really going on? Inside, there's a secret story, and the secret story is very quiet. Out loud, what do they say? God loves us. This amazing, right? But inside, what's the story they're telling? Maybe this all a trap. And then when the Mirablin came back with their report.

16:20 All of a sudden, the subconscious story that had been there all along came rushing into their conscious, and they said, "See, God hates us. It was the whole thing was a trap. I knew it. You understand?" They didn't have guilt; they had shame. Like I feel like every time, like I learn, like this is the difference between teaching boys and girls. Like I because you said I feel like, and when I teach the boys, they go, "I think all of your feelings are valid. Yes." Like I learn like so much like stuff. It always is like during like midbar. There it's like Benay Shalom. And I love Hashem. I love Hashem. But the Torah like also like picks up and like Rashi always picks up on like things that like because they like Ruchakolish. It's like if something's really like Hashem or not or like something's really true. So like if like this is true, if like they always had like a little like insecurity in that Hashem didn't actually love them. It wasn't about Hashem. It wasn't an insecurity. That's why that's what Rashi is telling us.

17:17 It wasn't an insecurity that Hashem doesn't really love them. It was an insecurity that I am unlovable. To anyone? Because and especially to God. Because if I know not that I worshipped Avodah Zarah, but that I am an idolatrous person, then why in the world would God love me? It's not about God. They felt shame. Guilty is healthy. Guilty means I am not my behavior. So why shouldn't they be? I'm saying why shouldn't I? We're gonna get to that. That's an excellent question, and I think your question is so profound because that's why most of us behave the way we behave. Because it's like I am a bad person. If you do a bad thing, you clearly are a bad person. If I did it, then I am right, and it's not true.

18:02 And that's the voice. This is the voice of shame, and it's so powerful. This is why Moshe Rabbeinu says it to them right before they go into Eretz Yisrael. He says to them, "Chaver, I need to teach you a lesson about your parents. I know it's not relevant to you because you're not the ones that have this voice, but I have to tell you something fundamental because life will be, as you said, very hard, and you will make mistakes." And if you don't know that making mistakes is a healthy part of the process of growing up and becoming, you know what's going to start to happen every time you make a mistake. You're going to say, "Not, I made a mistake. I am a mistake." And you say, "I am a mistake," then that means you're walking around with the voice inside of you that says, "I am unlovable." And then if you're walking around with the voice inside of you that says, "I am unlovable," there's a subconscious part of you that's always looking for that trap.

18:45 And that's why you ever see. I'm sure none of your parents have ever fought, but just in case they're human beings who sometimes had an argument, maybe once or twice. You ever hear how parents can argue? They go like this: They go like, "I knew it. I knew that's what you really felt, right?" And it's like, and your mother never liked me, right? And all this stuff. It's like all the things like blow up, right? What's the pshat? It's because they were carrying around that story the entire time. And you know Rashi says, "And we're projecting our own story onto everybody else." They didn't hate God. Rashi says they hated God. Doesn't mean they hated God. It means they hated themselves. I hate myself for what I did because that's now who I am, and I hate God because of what God represents. Because to so many people, you know what God represents? You are bad. And then the moment that God said, "Here's a hard thing," they go, "It was a trap." Every time we project something, doesn't it? You must be having an amazing time in camp. I am. You can always tell how good.

19:42 Camp is going based on how much a person can speak. When my daughters come home from camp, they're like, 'We had the best time in the world.' It's like I had a trickiometry. Like, when you project something, does it mean it's always going to come true? But you know what happens when something happens? I'm going to project my narrative onto them, right? So it's like just because I'm feeling some sort of way doesn't mean that's what's going to happen, but when something neutral happens, now I'm going to tell myself a story because we're not. None of us are living in the real world. We're all just living in the stories that we tell ourselves about reality, right? They were walking around with the story. We are unlovable. They hated themselves for it. As a result, they hated God because they said we can't be in a relationship with God because we hate ourselves. So they put their hate on God. And then the moment that something went wrong, they said, 'See, God hates us.' But it was really all happening inside of them, Robertson Dolman.

20:33 But if they're parents, obviously they would be shameful if Chassid shalom. None of my parents do anything bad. But I know you're dead. He's lost. But I would be shameful about it for a while. But I feel like if anything, if let's say Chassid shalom, one of my parents did something bad against Hashem, instead of being repulsed by a shem and being so stared and far away, I want to make amends for what my parents did but I would want to pull so close because I want to be loved. That's amazing. Chef's kiss, perfectly said. Is the best way to end this year. You nailed it. Because actually, that's exactly what Gemara in Tanya says. The Gemara in Tanya says, you know this Gemara. On the night that Klal Yisrael was crying because they said oh God hates us and where he's going to kill us. So what happened? Listen to the Gemara in Tanya says.

21:27 God said, 'You guys cried for no reason, because really, I never felt that way about you. I understand you were in Mizrachim, you did Avodah Zarah, you got caught up in the culture, but you cried for no reason. So listen what the Gemara says: I will now make it a night of tears forever. This night will be a night of tears forever. You know what that night was? Tishbav. So now let's think about this. Because Klal Yisrael once had a bad cry, now we're going to be exiled for thousands of years, and every single Tishbav we're going to have to cry. Rav Zindel, when you said it so perfectly, you know what happens? If you don't work on yourself and you don't actually like constantly, and this is the key.'

22:20 The mistrust that's expressed in those tears creates a wound in the relationship. So you know what you need to do. Until that wound is repaired, you're going to continue to distance yourself. And so, Hashem says, 'Listen, this cry, this feeling of like we are unworthy because we did a vodzara. You know what happens after that? Now you project. Now you hate God, and you project your hate onto God, and you say God hates me.' If you don't repair that wound, you know what's going to happen. Life is going to keep giving you that wound over again until you repair that relationship. Why is Moshe Rabbeinu saying it to them now? He's saying, guys, this cry that your parents cried, it's now part of the trauma of Klal Yisrael, and every one of us has to work to repair our relationship with Hashem. And that's the work that's so profound right now. I want to draw close to Hashem.

23:15 But I still feel like I can't make a mistake. I still feel like I can't be human. I am my worst moments. Last question for the day. Does it also go the other way though? Because I feel like guilt is a really important thing. Because some people are lacking that. Those things wrong. Psychopaths. Not even. For real. No. If a healthy person feels guilt. But saying some people are like they definitely feel guilty, but then they're like. It's okay. Hashem still loves me. Hashem will forgive me. And then they do it again and again. You know you're making such an important point because we snap back the other way, right? Like a normal. I'm saying not that it's a normal thing, but especially teenagers, like hey, we always have like opportunities for like we do something wrong and then like you do and then like nothing. Like it's not like we live in the times of like them or like they did something wrong and they got to us. Like they did something wrong, like they died.

24:05 We do something wrong and nothing necessarily happens automatically. You don't see an automatic punishment, so it's kind of hard to guess. Even if you're guilty, you know you did something wrong. You're aware that you did something wrong, which is the first step. But we're not getting struck by lightning. So yeah, we'd all be dead. I'm saying, it's a good thing. Be a bad room. It's kind of hard to understand the severity of what you're doing when you're not seeing an actual 100%. Couldn't have said it any better. Let's see if this makes sense. Tell me if this resonates with you. How about we say this? What we want to feel is deeply guilty and regretful without being ashamed, right? So if I go, it's okay. God loves me. I don't feel guilty, right? And that's not. You could have both. After you've done wrong, you feel bad. Right. So you could. You could also another thing is that you could.

24:57 Feels so guilty, like that you keep on doing it. At some point, you're just like, it doesn't like, not ashamed, but like, you're guilty. But then you're like, I'm so far that Hashem just feels bad. I know people that think, wow, that's such a sad thing to feel. If you do it so many times, it's like Hashem probably just is like, feel bad. He feels bad for me. It's fine. In my relationship with Hashem, the way that I understand it, it's something like this. I want to be healthy and whole enough to be able to really recognize truthfully that I made a mistake, and I want to regret it because regret is the most powerful emotion. When I regret eating that tray of brownies, that's when I stop eating the tray of brownies. And if I don't regret it, I'm going to keep eating that tray of brownies. But if I slip into the other side, that I am my lowest moment, then I'm also going to keep eating the tray of brownies. So hard. How do you provide yourself? You got to live right there. That's how you thread the needle. I don't feel like oh, it's okay, it's chill. God loves me.

25:51 I feel God loves me, and I behaved inappropriately. That's not good. I don't want to do that. That's not me. I regret that deeply, but I am not my lowest moments, and that's where healthy living is. That's the only way to stop the tears. If we want it, like because we want to try to get out of Gogol's, right? But the reason we're still here is because we still don't know how to do that, and that's our work. Our work is to figure out how to say, I did idolatry. And because of that, I told myself a story. And because of that story, I said God hate I hate God. But as soon as something went wrong, I said God hates me. But really, all of that is happening inside of me. We need to learn how to fall. Hurt people. Situation, they're like they're letting down with Hashem. That's exactly what happened. Couldn't said it any better. And when they were feeling that pain, they took it out on the people around them. And that's why they couldn't be the ones to enter into Eretz Yisrael because they carried too much shame. And now Moshe Rabbeinu needs to tell them chevrat. This shame that they felt—that's like the condition that we're in. We got to work that out. Girls, we have to stop here. Have a beautiful, beautiful Shabbos. Wonderful to stay with you. Wonderful to learn with you. Thank you so much.