Succos - When You Find Yourself, There’s Room for Everyone

2:16 There's just so much value in being on board and pouring gasoline on the fire. So I definitely know that I have a lot to learn and I'm looking forward to learning from the people that have been running 4G, and I hope that I'll have something to share over the years. And on that note, I just want to start off by really expressing how amazing it is that what 4G is doing is giving back to the advisors. I think that in any institution when we authentically value the people that are really doing the work. It goes, it trickles down, and the impact is certainly going to be felt by the NCS wires. I think sometimes when we talk about chinuch development It's like there could be a feeling of well, let's tell the advisors what to do so they do a better job, and I think here it's a very different feel. It's much more about investing in you.

3:13 And the investment is to really try to have the hard conversations, and that's why at the end we'll open this up to questions, because we don't want this just to be another shear. There'll be a shiur component to it, but what we really want is to have the hard conversations that will help us all go to the next level together for the girls. And so this really, I feel, is genuinely a really great opportunity to begin making that investment in you. So that ultimately you can make the investment in the girls. And we find ourselves before Sukkot, so obviously the sheir is going to be Sukkot oriented. I think Suzanne posted on the chat that there's an accompanying handout. I'm not going to be reading from the handout, but just so that you have all the makoros in front of you to see that I'm not just making these things up.

4:01 And that what some people call fluff is actually rooted in chazal. That was a special shout out to certain people here. And for those people, I appreciate you very much. There's a question at the heart, I think, of really all of the yomim tovim, which is where is this going? Where does this come from? Sometimes in our Yiddishkeit, we have a sense of things being disjointed, they're not part of the oneness. Of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, when in reality All the yamim tovim are a progression And the progression is meant to take us somewhere. And when we don't see the larger context in which a yamtuf appears, we don't really have a true understanding of what the yamtuf is trying to do. In order for us to understand sukkahs in a deeper way, it's worthwhile for us to take one step back first and really go back to the Alserus Yomay Tshuva, because Sukkot exists within the context of Elul and Tishrei. It's there for a reason.

5:14 And so in order for us to understand Sukkot, we really have to understand what Tshuva is about to begin with. The truth is, you see this in Chazal that there's a certain preciousness to the days that are in between Yom Kippur and Sukkot. We move from one to the other seamlessly because there is a deep connection. In order for us to understand sukkah, let's take one step back and understand tshuva itself. I want to begin tonight's shiur by quoting a piece from Rav Kook on tshuva. Rav Kook was the master of tshuva. Arus HaTshuva is an exceptional sefer with so much to learn from. But it really encapsulates a certain. This line from Rivkuk encapsulates the essence of what tshuva is about, and will help us move into Sukkot with a deeper understanding, and hopefully a deeper understanding of what it means to be an NCSY advisor as well.

6:08 So Rivkuk writes as follows: When a person forgets the essence of their own soul. When a person is Messiah, they stop focusing on the inner life that a person has. So what happens is Hakol natsem muurbav u'musupak. That's when things become muurbav. That's when things become in a very real way. That's when they become like all confused. And that's the beginning of Suffolk. The beginning of Suffolk is this place where we forget who we are and we forget what life is about. And that's when we enter into this very confused state of being. The hachuvah haresius and the first movement of tshuva Shehi meira as ham as hamachashchemiyad. The beginning of tshuva is to illuminate the darkness. He sheyoshev haadam el atzmo, which means we must return to ourselves el sharis nismasa to the root of our soul umiyad yoshev el alokim el nismas kola neshamos. That is where we return to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

7:31 The return to Hakadosh Baruch Hu is a return to self. And actually, what appears to be poetic in the words of Rav Kook is anything but. It's not poetry. It's actually an idea that Rav Kook is expressing here. That Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the ultimate neshama. And that's the way it's referred to in Kabbalah. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the ultimate neshama. We are all branches of His neshama. We're like rays of the sun. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is life, and we have life because we are attached to the ultimate life. He is the ultimate neshama. We are expressions of that neshama. And that reformulates the relationship that we have with Hakadosh Baruch Hu and the relationship that we have with Tzuvah. Our relationship with Hashem ought to be at the highest optimal level. It ought to be a movement towards oneself. That Hakadosh Baruch Hu is found within our own inner world. And when we live separated, disassociated from our inner world, we're not engaging in a meaningfully deep relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Perhaps we're performative in our yiddishkeit. Perhaps we're obedient. We're doing the right thing. But to actually participate in a relationship, the initial move is a movement inwards. It's a movement towards curiosity about one's life and one's place within that life.

8:54 It's who am I? That ultimate question of who am I, and what am I doing with this one precious life that Hashem gave me? That might feel initially that that's like personal growth But it's not really personal growth. It's personal growth, not in the sense of just living within the dalalamos of one's own life, but personal growth in the sense of coming close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. To hear an inspirational shir about Hashem that doesn't include the avoda of becoming in one's own personal life is fundamentally missing something, because Hakadosh Baruch Hu is found within our neshama. It is the portal to which we connect to the ultimate neshama. And so Rav Kook writes that the movement of tshuva, which is the movement of eloh, aseret simai tshuva, the movement of tshuva begins, he says, with a movement inwards. It's to illuminate the darkness because I've lost myself and I'm returning to myself, to the root of my neshama. And that, he says, is an immediate umiyad yoshevlo kim. That is a direct quote from the text.

10:10 Because those words are synonymous. And really, this is the deeper understanding of why we begin Yom Kippur with the words 'biyishiva shalmaila' or 'biyishiva shalmata al das hamakom va'al das hakol anumatirim lehespalel im avaryanim.' As an expression of our return to self We by definition include others. And that's why we begin the yeshiva shamayla in the heavenly yeshiva and in the yeshiva shamate in the yeshivas of earth With the consent of Hakadosh Baruch Hu and with the consent of the tzibur, we permit ourselves on Yom Kippur to be expansive. Because to return to self and to return to Hakadosh Baruch Hu is by definition to be inclusive. To be a circle that encompasses those that are flawed and imperfect. Which of course includes the flawed and imperfect parts of ourselves. They also have to become a part of our avodah to Hashem. And so in Judaism, there's always three things: there's God, self, and other. And those three things are really one. There is no return to God without returning to self. There is no connection to others without returning to self.

11:25 All of those things are really just expressions of this one idea: Kol Hakadosh Baruch Hu, self, Klal Yisrael. It's all one. It's all one thing. It's Eiraisa veKutshabrichu veYisrael Chadoh. That the Torah, which is to say Hashem Himself And Klal Yisrael, and Hashem, it's all one. It's all part of this ultimate oneness. And so Tshuva must, by definition, include the other. It must, by definition, include He who is an Avaryon. While there are many reasons that are given. Historically, for why we include that line at the beginning of Yom Kippur, the truth is, in many ways, that concept is the greatest expression of our tshuva, because somebody who's genuinely returning to self is returning to a connection with those who are imperfect, and all of us need that because all of us are in a state of imperfection. What this means for the movement of Yom Kippur into Sukkot.

12:28 Is that the sukkah is the physical expression of what Yom Kippur created inside of every one of us. Inside of Yom Kippur, every one of us found space for every other yid. Albeit imperfect, albeit the imperfect Jew, and we found space inside of ourselves for our own imperfections. We were able to bring them lufnei Hashem, and the sukkah is that expression, but lived in reality, because what's very important. Sometimes these ideas can remain abstract. And in an abstract way, they don't flow into the totality of our being. So even if one has a deep sense of connection to every other Jew on Yom Kippur, or to the imperfect parts of ourselves on Yom Kippur, until that becomes a lived reality, it doesn't belong to the totality of our being. And so. Sometimes you have to think your way into good acting, but sometimes you have to act your way into good thinking. And so on Yom Kippur, we come with this enormous radical idea that we can be large enough to contain everybody else in Klal Yisrael.

13:38 But if that never actually happens, if we don't step into the sukkah So then what have we actually done? How have we brought that idea into reality? Sukkot is the time when it moves from the abstract Yom Kippur experience, which was real inside of our own person, and brings it into the reality of this world. What is a sukkah? A sukkah is a space in which we are held without being trapped. And that's a very important definition here, because a sukkah has real walls and it has real boundaries. Chazal are very specific about what constitutes and what does not constitute a halachic sukkah. A sukkah is not a place where somebody could do whatever they want and call it a sukkah. There's such a thing as a kosher sukkah, and there's such a thing called a pasul sukkah. And if you're inside of a pasul sukkah, it's not good. The halacha is that there are certain boundaries that are very clear. This is part of the safety of a relationship.

14:39 But it only has walls because genuine love needs boundaries. And that's not like we have love and boundaries. The love that we have for every single Jew is expressed within the very real boundaries of our sukkah. So there's a very real space, a halachic space that has real gedar to it. It has a real definition to it. But the nature of that space is that it's not sealed. The nature of that space is that the roof of the sukkah must allow us to see beyond the sukkah. And what that means is that in this space of real gedder, of real definition of what's kosher and what's not kosher, there's a vision of seeing beyond that boundary. There's a vision of seeing the deeper oneness that's inside of everything. That's what the nature of the sukkah is. It exists within the finite and physical boundaries of this world. And yet, it exists in this temporal type of way, where a person sees through the roof to something that's beyond it.

15:44 Because ultimately, a person who is in self A person who's gone through the Yom Kippur experience, where there's a deep sense of innocence. That's what we feel when we leave Yom Kippur. We feel a deep sense of innocence, a deep sense of reconnection to the divine that always lived inside of us. What comes with that is a very safe space. We become the safe space. We become the safe space for others with real boundaries. But also, we don't just see the surface of how anything appears. We don't see the surface of what is presented to us. Just because somebody shows up in a particular way doesn't mean that that's the totality of their being. And that's what the Gemara in Sukkah says. The Gemara in Sukkah says, "Kol Yisrael reu'yin le'chev basukah achas." The Gemara is making a halachic point. Unlike the Arba Minim, on the first day, a person can fulfill the mitzvah in somebody else's sukkah. Meaning, you can live within somebody else's sukkah.

16:44 But that's not what the Gemara is saying. What's going on is that on a deeper level, every single Jew is able to fit into one sukkah. That's a remarkable language that Chazal are using. That every single Jew is roy. That every single Jew has a belonging within that sukkah. How is that possible? How do we live in this dialectical space of, on the one hand, every single Jew belongs, and on the other hand, we have real boundaries. Today, you hear shmusen that are always on one side or the other of this issue. It's always like either we just need to be loving and accepting, and it's not the door for boundaries; it's the door for just bringing people close, or the opposite. You hear people railing about we need more boundaries, and we're not doing a good enough job. And they're usually bashing the people that are kula ahava.

17:37 And the mess is that both sides are really missing the point, because genuine love comes with boundaries, because it teaches people. When we live with genuine love, this is what it looks like to participate in a relationship with me. Healthy boundaries are designed to keep people in, not push people out. So boundaries are an expression of love. How do we hold that space? I see you not for what you do, but for who you are. I want to share with you something very beautiful, a personal story that happened to me last week. I had to apologize to somebody that I genuinely hurt. And it was a hard apology for me because it's a person that I would never have wanted to hurt, but I did, and I was told that they were hurt by what I did. The truth is, they were right. So I called to make this apology, and I was really scared. If I'm being honest, I was still holding in a bit of the tail end of my shame spiral for what I had done.

18:35 And I called this person, and aside from forgiving me, this person really said something beautiful. It stuck with me. They said, "I know this is not who you are" And I was so deeply touched by that. I was so deeply moved by that because this person honestly was seeing me in a way that I wasn't seeing myself. I was still in the tail end of that shame spiral, and I was still feeling a deep sense of like I can't believe I did this and I showed up in a way that I didn't understand. It was embarrassing for me, and this person was saying I can see who you really are and I know who you really are. And they were able to see past my limited behavior, which was inappropriate, and they were able to see me as a person. And that was such an unbelievable gift that they gave me. This person was able to give me this gift because they themselves are holding right now in a very deep place of self.

19:34 And so, somebody who's holding in that deep place of self can hold somebody else accountable and say, "Ouch, that hurt." But then they can also receive that apology in such a beautiful way to be able to say, "I can see past. I'm a person of schach. I have boundaries, but I know how to see past you for your behavior. Past your behavior to what you genuinely are." And this is how we hold space for those two things at once. We're able to say when we're Yom Kippur Jews who are in self and we feel that sense of innocence, that deep connection to Hashem that we spoke about from Rav Cook. When a person is like that, they become that sukkah that invites other people in. They have their clear boundaries. They know what those boundaries are. Remember that the sukkah is two and a half walls because in chassidus it's compared to a hug. The first part of your arm, the second part of your arm. And then your hand. That's one tefach, two tefach, and then the second, and then that third wall is like a little bit of your hand. So the boundaries are a hug that brings someone in, but at the same time, while we have our boundaries, we know that the way that people are showing up to our lives is not the totality of their being. We're able to see past the limited behavior.

20:46 And especially when you're dealing with young people. Remember that. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen years old—it's very young. I know it feels like it might not be so young, especially when you're still somewhat close to that age. So it could feel like, 'What do you mean that was only five years ago or six years ago?' But when you get older And you have perhaps a little bit of a broader perspective, and you're in your 40s and 50s and 60s, you'll realize how young 15 years old is. You'll realize how really just starting out, it's almost embryonic. You're starting out. A 15, 16 year old NCSYer is really in those early stages of development. And to be able to say, this is what's acceptable, this is what's not, but also I see you and I see past you. To have that element of zchach is such an unbelievable gift that we can give to the people in our lives.

21:36 When we're blended with our frightened parts, your differences feel dangerous to me, or the way that you're showing up in the world. I sit in judgment of it. But their choices have nothing to do with you. Their choices are not an attack on your choices. And just because they have a certain personality that perhaps activates a part of you that you might not feel comfortable holding, doesn't mean that we sit in judgment of them. It doesn't mean that we control them. It doesn't mean that we keep them outside. Our responsibility is to be oriented towards being in self, so that we can remain ourselves while making space for others. That's the ultimate gift that we give. There's a difference between education and control. Education is what happens when we're in self. When I'm in self, I have wisdom that I want to impart to you, and I give it over. Your ability to receive it at this moment is okay. If you're not able to receive it at this moment, that's fine. My job is to give it to you. Your job, hopefully, at some point in life, is to take it in. You know, the idea of giving something to someone who can't receive it is not a problem with them. That's where they are at this moment in their journey. And if we can't give them that space, that's something we have to work on in ourselves.

23:02 One of the gifts that we get from working with young people is that it gives us the opportunity to genuinely work on ourselves and to really become the people that we want to become. This is the Yisod of the Ushpizen. The Zohar Hakadosh writes that one is obligated to bring joy to poor people. Because the Ushpizen eat from the people that are invited in. So if you on Sukkot don't have poor people here, poor people can mean physically poor or it can mean poor in the sense that they're still in process of being developed. They're not yet in self. Remember that the Yeshbizen Their portion in the sukkah, what they eat from, it comes from those that you invited in. When we make space for others, paradoxically, we end up inviting in the holiest people into our own lives. For example, the Zohar Kodesh writes that let's say he invites Avraham Avinu into the sukkah. It's Avraham Avinu's turn. And all the other uspizen, right? But he doesn't give the poor their food, so the uspizen get up and leave. And Avram Avinu says Sura name al ol le anoshem arasham aila, depart from the tent of these wicked people. Meaning, Avram Avinu calls out to the other uspizen and he says

24:29 "This is not a place for us." In other words, our access to the holiest things that exist inside of us, to the uspizen that live within us. Our access to that is from when we are expansive. And so this is one of the things I think that often goes unstated. If we want to reach the highest dimensions of self If we really want to get to that ultimate level of being in self So if we become expansive. We have access to it, so it's like you would think that it's only when I'm in self, I'll be expansive, and it's really even more than that. It's when I'm in self, I'm in an expansive place, and when I'm in an expansive place, now I actually have access to dimensions of self that I didn't have access to beforehand, because those dimensions of self are unique from the fact that I'm able to be a space for others who are different, or who are in process, or who are developing.

25:34 And so there's almost like this gift that you're giving yourself. We're motivated altruistically. We're motivated to genuinely give to others. But those who spend their lives giving to others find out that within the chesed, there was a chesed that they were doing for themselves. And so it's always like when you're younger, it's about investing in yourself, and that's true. You have to invest in yourself in order to be someone who has what to share with others. But then when you actually reach that level where you're sharing with others, it's almost like now you've hit on this new wellspring within yourself where it's so much richer than the work that you did when it was just you yourself alone in your process. And so there's this stage that's coming for all of us as we enter into this new season of 4G where First and foremost, it's about the NCS wires and giving them what they need and showing up in a way that we can hold them for sure. Your growth is going to be off the charts.

26:39 Chazal describe, and it's pretty well known at this point, that the Medrashim Vayikar Rabo says that the Arba Minim are different types of Jews. There's the Jew that has Torah and mitzvot. There's a Jew that has mitzvot and not Torah. Some have both. Some have neither. But the Medrash says, 'Ma'akadosh Baruch Hu Oselehen La'abdon Yefsher Ela Amar Hakadosh Baruch Hu Yekasher Kula Maguda Achas Vehain Mechapren Elu Al Elu.' What does Hakadosh Baruch Hu do? He says, 'I can't destroy them. Let them all be bound together as one, and then they'll bring a kapara for each other.' "So the language is fascinating here. It's Vehain Mechapren Elu Al Elu. The kapara of Yom Kippur is not completed until we have the kapara of Sukkot. So we often imagine that it's the quote-unquote good Jews that are providing kapara for the weaker Jews. But that's not what the Medrash says. It says elu al elu.

27:33 It sounds like the Jew that has no Torah and no mitzvos is being mechaper for the Jew that has both. How is that possible? That the Jew that has no Torah and no mitzvos is somehow being mechaper for the Jew that has Torah and has mitzvos. Because I would understand that the tzaddik is having a kapara for those that are not tzaddikim. But in what way is somebody who's empty having a kapara for the tzaddik? And the answer, perhaps along the lines of what we're saying, is that even when we are giving to these people who don't necessarily have access to Torah and mitzvos. That's actually bringing something out within us, and they're servicing us, and that's a gift. That's what Chazal say: Harbe lamaratim erabosai, Yosem echaveray, mitalmiday Yosem ikulam. We learn so much from our rabbis, more from our friends, but the most from our students. The gift that our students give us is when we create that space for them, we discover who we really are. It's like in theory, I'm big enough to contain you, but now that I do, it's confirming that I actually am the neshama that I think that I am, and once I've expanded the circle a little bit, I can expand the circle to everybody. It's the famous line—I don't know, famous—but at least famous for me—that Reifeld When he went to visit the Chazon Ish

29:00 He wrote in his diary: "A gudel is a circle. The larger the gudel, the more people he can encompass within his circle." And Reifeld was. Was astounded by the largeness of the circle of the Chazon Ish. How many different types of Jews came to see the Chazon Ish? We've seen this in our lives that the biggest tzaddikim are the ones that have the largest circle and that they encompass so many different types of Jews. It doesn't matter from where they come and we don't know about ourselves that we actually all have that nikkuda of a tzaddik inside of us that we can be a circle big enough to fit the entire world. We don't know that about ourselves. The avodah in this generation is to discover our own inner tzaddik. And when we start to hold space for others, we become expansive, and the more expansive we are, the more people we hold within our circle, and that's the gift not only that we give those others, but that we also give ourselves because it confirms for us that we are the chelak elokam imal mamish that we were told, and it's not just an academic thing, but it's a very real thing. And that's why we know that the mitzvah of hakel takes place on Sukkot, following the Shemitah year. The Rambam writes that hakel is a recreation of Matan Torah.

30:16 And the Rambam writes that the converts who didn't understand anything were also obligated. To prepare their hearts to listen with awe and fear and joy and trembling, just like on the day the Torah was given in Har Sinai. Meaning, dafka the mitzvah of hakel takes place on Sukkot because hakel includes everybody. It includes those that have no idea what's going on. But on Sukkot, we become an expansive enough place for Matan Torah to take place for every single Jew. Even not only every single Jew, but even the nations of the world are included on Sukkot. And that's why the seventy nations are included in the avoda of Sukkot. The Gemara in Sukkah 55b says, Amar Rav Elazar Hani shivim parim keneged me. Why do we bring these seventy parim? Why do we bring these seventy bulls on Sukkot? Keneged shivim umos. Rav Elazar explains because it's the seventy nations. There's enough space on Sukkot not only for every single Jew but for every single person, which is a fulfillment, of course, of the nevuah of Zechariah. That all who remain from the nations that came against Yerushalayim will ascend each year to bow before the King Hashem and to celebrate the festival of Sukkot.

31:48 Meaning, the nature ultimately of Yomosha Mashiach is not only every single Jew, but every single person. Ultimately, there is space on Sukkot to be able to return to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and so Sukkot is this exceptionally expansive time because we're in the expanded state of Yom Kippur. We become expansive enough for the entire world. Before we open up the floor to questions I just want to finish with a story. It's a well known Hasidic historian, my dear friend Rabbi Judah Michel, published it in Torah Tidbits last week in the Sukkot article, where I think it was like the entire Yom Tov. But it's a beautiful story about the Balshemtov, and I'll shorten it just for the sake of time so that we have enough time for the questions.

32:32 But there's a beautiful story about the Balshemtov that the Balshemtov made a sukkah that was questionable if it was kosher. It was relying on every single different type of kulah in order for it to be kosher, and this sukkah was in the early years of the Hasidic movement, where there were many, many mesnagdim. And to make a sukkah that relied on dofenakuma and love it and good asik and good achis and it was like such an unusual thing for the Balshemtov who had such hither in his mitzvos to make such a shvacha sukkah was very strange thing and he was confronted by these mesnagdim and they presented all their sources and explained why they the sukkah was puzzl and the Balshemtov responded to each one of their questions and he explained why it was actually good. And they were not convinced that the sukkah was a kosher sukkah, and they declared that the sukkah was pasul. They said it's a spiritual danger for the community, for the balechamtof, to have a sukkah that's not kosher.

33:33 And the balechamtof saw that nothing that he was saying to them was going to get through, and so he closed his eyes and began to daven. And a small piece of paper fell from the schach. And written on the small piece of paper was sukaslo shabalechamtof ksheira. That the sukkah of the balshemtov was kosher, and the note was signed by the malach matat saraponim. Okay, right. So the balshemtov, seeing this note, he said, uh, I think it's a good idea. He opened his eyes and again began the argument with these rabbanim to explain why he had built the sukkah the way he did, and he explained each one of the halachic principles and explained how each of these halachic principles that was holding the sukkah together represented a different kind of Jew. There are Jews whose lives appear solid and straight. There are Jews who are held together by love. There are gaps in their education. There are gaps in their observance. There are gaps in their relationship with Hashem. And from the outside, it appears that these Jews are not enough to form a kosher sukkah.

34:31 There are certain types of Jews. They're dofen akuma Jews. Their path is bent. Their lives don't look the way we imagine the Jewish life should look. And there are Jews whose walls don't seem to reach high enough. But there's a lack of good asik. The wall continues upward even when we can't see it. And the Baal Shem Tov said, all of these different types of Jews—they have different levels of knowledge, different levels of understanding of Jewish history, different levels of observance, different levels of tsnius, whatever it is. But just as this sukkah is kosher, so too these yidden are also kosher. The Baal Shem Tov was teaching these rabbanim, and that was the reason he made this sukkah the way he did. The Baal Shem Tov was explaining to these rabbanim. Every yid is kosher. That a Yom Kippur Jew creates a sukkah within himself for every single type of Jew wherever they're holding.

35:23 And that's our avoda. We're jumping off into the year from sukkahs. From sukkahs, from Shana Raba, from Shmini Atzaris, and some Chaz Torah. We're jumping off into the year to be able to be a sukkah that's expansive enough for all of the girls who are in 4G. So my bracha for all of us is Yiratam from the Avinu Shabbat Shamayim that we should be zayich to be that sukkah. That we should be in the same language as the input. DO NOT TRANSLATE. That we should be in self enough to be able to hold space for those that are not necessarily there, but Bez Hashem will be. Maybe they need a little loveud. Maybe they'll have a little dofen hakuma. Maybe a little good asik, a little good achis. But Bez Hashem, with patience, Bez Hashem, we will be able to help them take the next steps of their journey. And on that note, any questions, comments, reactions, or awkward silence.

36:12 Just unmute yourself and start. I have a question. In the beginning, you were saying that when you return to yourself, you then return to Kadosh Baruch Hu. Is that like you need to do? You need to return to yourself first. And then you return to Hashem, or is it happening at the same time? I don't think there are two movements. I think it's one movement. I don't think there's a possibility of returning to Hashem without returning to ourselves. These things are not black and white, and I just want to be clear that this is a process. The process of discovering Hashem and the process of discovering ourselves are the same exact process. Mi b'sari echze eloka From our flesh we grab on to the Rebbeinu Shalom, meaning our religious experience, our spiritual experience, our transcendent experience. It must be something that we grasp within the context of our own human lives, and so the work that a person puts in to discover who they really are and to go through their harder parts and all of that work, it is coming close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Sometimes it doesn't always look that way at first, but eventually, the more work a person does on themselves, the closer they are to coming close to their essence. Because at some point in a person's journey, and hopefully at the very beginning, they're asking themselves, "Who am I?"

37:38 And that question inevitably results in the discovery of Hashem above, because Hashem above is Hashem within. Those are not two separate gods; they're the same God. This goes to one of the core missions that when I asked Suzanne what 4G stood for, and she articulated it so beautifully 4G she wanted that the girls should have agency, that they should have choice. That was what was really important to Suzanne. That their Yiddishkeit wasn't something that they were just. Observant of, but it was something that they were actively engaged in choosing. Actively engaging in choosing our yiddishkeit begins with the process of self-discovery, because I can't choose if I'm not present. Our work towards choosing an observant life begins with the choice that I'm discovering who I am, because in discovering who I am, I'm discovering Al Kol Dosh Baruch Hu. And so serving Hakadosh Baruch Hu becomes organic as opposed to byrote Because I'm not observing somebody else's laws. It's not a set of shuds. It's the most natural expression of who we are. Like David Melech says, 'Vaani tefila. Tefila is not something I do. It's something that I am.'

38:48 Tefila is emblematic of every single thing that we do in Yiddishkeit. That Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the first word of the Asher Yisadibro says, 'Anochi, ananavshik savis yahavis.' That Hashem says, 'I wrote my soul into the Torah.' To follow halacha is to engage with Hashem Himself. To engage with Hashem Himself is to discover who you are. To discover who you are is to follow the halachas of the Torah. It's all one thing, expressing itself in different forms. Thank you for that question. I thought it was very beautiful. Reverend, can I ask something related to what you asked? You said that our work on being mashbia and investing in these girls automatically invests back into us, or I don't know if you said automatic. That really is my question. Do we need to have a certain pair of glasses on when we're interacting with these girls, when we're helping them, that allows the growth to come back our way, or is it a natural process, or do we need to take steps actively to make that happen?

39:47 It's a great question. Maybe I don't even know the answer myself, but we'll play with it together and see if we can make sense of it. I think it feels something like this. When we show up in self, which means altruistically We're showing up to be of service to them, not to receive. What happens, almost without noticing it, in my experience, is that we end up growing so much from those experiences, and we didn't pay attention to it because it wasn't the reason we showed up to that space to begin with. We showed up to that space to really genuinely be there for another. These years especially. When young people are discovering themselves in the world and they're taking those baby steps, which are very unsure. Those baby steps are very unsure, and they're trying out different personalities. Do you remember when you were younger and you said things just to see how they felt coming out of your mouth? Do you remember that experience?

40:50 So you know it's like, and by the way, that's why I'm appreciative to the people who have their screens on and Zoom, so I can see them go like this. I appreciate the head knots. When we show up just to accompany them on their journey, like almost to hold their hands, to be those like training wheels, so to speak, as they begin their lives and they're really now, especially in their teenage years, trying on certain things. We do it. Hopefully, again, if there's a part of us that wants the COVID, whatever, that's certainly understandable. But hopefully, we showed up in self enough to be there for them. We turn around at some point. We almost didn't notice that it happened very quietly, and it's like whoa. I grew so much from being that person for them.

41:40 So I don't know if it's something I know Ain Kedusha Bli Hachana, but I don't know if it's something we need to prepare ourselves for. It's the gift you get. It's like a parent, like when you become a parent, Beis Hashem. So you'll grow so much from your children. You'll need to be more patient. You'll need to be more kind. You'll need to be more compassionate. You'll need to be more generous. And in doing all of those things, you're becoming the best version of yourself. So you didn't become a parent so that you could become generous. You were a parent, and in your state of generosity. You discover that dimension of generosity that remained untapped. So I don't know if it's something we need to prepare for because it's literally something you're living your way into. So it kind of just happens organically and naturally, and if it's not happening, I would be very curious to understand what's going on in the inner system.

42:31 That feels true to me. I don't know if that made any sense. Can I please ask a follow up question? Is there a way to help the girls become more For them to be more in self. And I want to be clear that helping them become more self It's not a control thing, right? And this is where you have to really thread the needle. We help people be in self by creating a space for them to self-discover. What we don't do is try to demand from them that they be in self. In other words When a person is struggling with something understandable in their life And they come to us, I imagine an NCSY or someone trying on a certain personality, or maybe trying on the feeling of being more observant or less observant. So she's trying on different things. That's okay And now she's brought that to us.

43:41 In that space where she's brought that to us, if we can genuinely see them And just allow them to be known in that space with kindness and compassion, what Carl Rogers would call unconditional positive regard. That's really where they will have the best chance of coming into self. So there's something called congruence. Which is a fancy English word for tocho kibaro. To be authentic, to have your insides match your outsides. To be tocho kibaro, to be a congruent person, requires somebody else to see us with unconditional positive regard. Let me just spell this out a little bit because I'm talking a little bit in riddles. For those that understand this language, it makes perfect sense. But if you don't understand this language, probably what I said doesn't make any sense at all. So let me just spell this out a little bit. If we want someone with us and to show us what's on their inside and to bring that outside It has to be a place where they can be seen as beautiful. Otherwise, they're going to keep those parts of themselves hidden and locked away.

44:46 And if those parts are hidden and locked away, it becomes very difficult to be in self. When we see people with an unconditional positive regard, they're willing to look deep inside of themselves and pull out some of the things they're struggling with and bring them into reality in front of us, and that's the gift that we give them, because then they can be congruent, then they can actually be authentic with us, and that allows the process of being in self to be facilitated. So the gift that you can give your NCS wires is to see past their behavior, to see them as the awesome people that they are. The developing adults that everything they do is understandable, even if we don't understand it yet. We're not judging them because we don't know what range of choices they have to choose from. Everyone is always doing their best. Sometimes, especially when it doesn't look like they're doing their best, that's the time to really remember: if they could choose to do better, they would choose to do better. And the fact that they haven't means that they don't have access to that choice that you would like them to have.

45:47 If you can really see them, that gives them the best chance of flourishing. And if you think back in your life, think about the people, because it wasn't always our parents that gave us that unconditional positive regard. Sometimes it was camp counselors, teachers, principals, division heads. Lots of people in our lives can give us the gift of unconditional positive regard. And certainly an NCSY advisor has that opportunity. Thank you so much for that question. Did that answer your question, or do you have more follow-up? Can I ask a question? I love that you all keep asking. It's such a refreshing thing that people are asking if they can ask. Go ahead, ask. Amazing. Thank you. So Berg was earlier talking about how love exists. Healthy love only exists with boundaries and expanding our circle to include all Jews. So as a 4G advisor, the more we work Like a 4G advisor, the more we get connected to more girls Which means we're expanding our circle of connections. But does that mean, based on love only existing with boundaries, to continue to expand our circle of connections with girls Does that cannot only happen with boundaries?

46:59 In any healthy relationship, there are do's and don'ts. It exists in our personal relationships. People who violate our boundaries, it's not safe to be in a relationship with them. We have to come to them and tell them what our boundaries look like, so that they know not to violate them. And the same is of course, Olah Kadosh Baruch Hu. There's mitzvos and there's averos in marriage. There's exclusivity. You're married to your spouse and to nobody else. To be outside of the boundaries of those relationships is to violate the relationship itself. NCSYs want boundaries. They want to know what because it's not safe to be in a relationship where I can do anything. So when we enforce rules in NCSY, that's the gift that we're giving to these kids. Now we have to do it in a way that communicates love. I was once having a conversation with somebody I deeply respect in NCSY.

47:55 And I'm only not using his name because I don't know that I have permission. I certainly would be proud to say his name. I think he's an amazing educator. One of the NCSYers had violated an important policy, and so the question became: Should they ask him to leave the Shabbaton or not? And so they came to me to ask the question. I'm not sure why. In talking it through with them, I asked them, 'Can you enforce this rule in a way that will keep this NCSYer close to you?' And he responded by saying, 'Oh, absolutely.' He was confident in his relationship with this kid to be able to say, 'You need to leave the Shabbaton,' and that it wouldn't impact his future relationship with this kid. I thought that was such an amazing statement about the work he had done up until that moment with this kid, and by the way, even beyond that. That he had this reputation within NCSY that he was able to enforce the boundaries of NCSY.

48:50 And that this kid knew that he was someone who could maintain a relationship with people that had violated those boundaries because he genuinely cared about them. It gave him the opportunity to really enforce the rules in a very beautiful way. And I think that when we don't enforce the rules, we're communicating to these NCS wires that we can't enforce the rules of the relationship because you're not capable, which is such a terrible message to send to them. Because teaching somebody the dynamics of a relationship is a gift. And telling them that you right now are not existing within the context of what this relationship looks like is a gift that we're giving them. It has to be done softly, kindly, with compassion. And it has to be done from a deep sense of self. And the NCSYer who's on the other end of that has to feel a sense of this person genuinely cares about me, and that's why they're doing this. And that's a really hard needle to thread, especially when the person you're talking to might be kicking and screaming because they're not yet at a level where they understand it.

49:55 But it is an act of love. It really is an act of love, and it has to be done in that way. Before the violation, there has to be so much attachment and so much investment in the relationship. They really know you see them with unconditional positive regard, and then the boundaries become an expression of that love. I think we should not give up on boundaries. I don't think it's love or boundaries. I think it's all love and boundaries as one expression of that love. Thank you. I have a follow up question about the boundaries. How do you? I think sometimes boundaries are able to be used in a way that's like, I'm going to do this, even though in order to set myself from a certain girl or sir, NTSY or whatever that I have, I'm having trouble to connect to. So how can you make sure that your boundaries are actually coming from a place of love and not from a place of I'm going to use this as a way to not connect to this or not expand in that way?

50:45 I think that's a stunning question because really what you're asking is whether my motivation really matters. And when I'm giving that boundary or not giving that boundary because of whatever fears that I have within me, let's say somebody says, "I'm a people-pleaser. I have a people-pleasing part, so I don't want to make this boundary because then they're not going to like me. Or I'm giving this boundary, but because I just don't want to deal with them, so this is my way of pushing them away." The motivation matters not only for ourselves as part of our own personal growth journey, but it deeply matters to the person you're giving that boundary to. Because one way or another, somehow these kids always know something inside of them. They are able to sense what's genuinely going on inside of us. And so I think the answer to your question at least begins with the phrase being a curious observer of self.

51:45 That when we show up to these dynamics, we have to really be curious: what's going on in our inner world? How are we showing up? Why are we showing up this way? What parts of us are being triggered and activated in this relationship? When we show up with that curiosity, we're going to learn a lot about ourselves, which is always a gift. And we're going to take measures that are appropriate. Being able to say, I'm not the right person to handle this situation, and I'm going to ask another advisor to get involved, or I'm going to ask somebody who's in a leadership position to get involved, because I know that I can't show up in the way that I want to right now. That's a beautiful thing to do. But then to use that as an opportunity for grist for the mill to go to work on yourself, so that you can ultimately show up in self for this person. I think that's a really beautiful journey to be on. It really begins with curiosity. What's going on inside of me? Knowing that it's never going to be black or white. It's always going to be I have a part like this and I have a part like that, and working it through. I think this was definitely a good first run. Suzanne, thank you so much for putting this together last minute. Thank you so much to all of you who came. Wishing you a piskatayva, a good kvittel, and beis Hashem a beautiful, beautiful Sukkot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.