Sefiras HaOmer - The Purpose of a Relationship is the Relationship Itself

2:04 But I would want to drive a car made of Rice Krispie treats. I'm into Buddy Valastro. I think he's a great character. He should have a refus shalaim. He cut his hand. Now it's his home ice. One of the cake bosses, one of the clips that I saw Is he made a divorce cake for a party that they were making about a divorce? Buddy Velashe was mechav in Tirsheim Bayochai. Same thing. He made a cake, so they come and they make a massive party, mamish like a chasna, zoy zot the medrash. By the chasna, they had a tremendous amount of alcohol. By the divorce party, they had a tremendous amount of alcohol. I guess they weren't very modern. They didn't understand the statistics and how it creates alcoholism in children. So they had a tremendous amount of alcohol, and the husband got drunk. Husband got drunk And in his inebriated state He said to his wife I love you very much.

3:06 I don't want you to have to rely on your parents for the rest of your life. We're getting divorced. I don't want you to have to rely on your parents. I'm a wealthy man. I want you to take whatever you want from this house, and it's yours. You take whatever you want. You want to take furniture. You want to take the most expensive gold, silver, or diamonds that we have in the house. Whatever we have. It's yours. So the woman says, The husband passes out. Passes out. So poor Maisa, he passes out. The next day, the husband wakes up. And he finds himself in his father-in-law's house. And he says, "No, you have to wait to do that. It doesn't work unless I get the seminary at the end. You can't do it now. You have to hold. I will conduct the orchestra. When I do this, it's on you to all go. Wait for it."

4:07 Hold. I love this place. It's so different. I come straight to Tovar Devora from the Vassar, and I have to tell you, teaching guys is so different than teaching girls. Because if a guy did that, I would have to roast him. I would have to destroy him. I'm like, did you just go on? One of the guys in Shira today. One of the guys goes, "Oh my God, she's such a sweetheart," and the whole place. 20 minutes, I lost total control of the Shira. They're like, "Oh, Shafula, come here, Bubble William." It's such a sweet heart. Like, it's such a different world. It's good for my midos. I come here so that I can have good midos. So he wakes up and he says, "What am I doing here?" What am I doing here? So the wife says Hold. So thank you. We're having a lot of torma dvaro moments. I've only been giving shir for about four minutes. There's been a lot of torma dvaro moments. I love it. I'm watching the clock the whole time. The wife says, "What do you mean?"

5:16 You told me I could take anything I wanted from the house. I took the most valuable thing. I took you. That was awesome. Thank you so much. You're welcome. I have to figure out what bracha I make on that because the hanukkah that I just got that is too delicious not to make a bracha. The medrash continues. So the medrash continues And the medrash says that they went back to Roshim Bayochai and they told him what happened. And Roshim Bayochai said, "Aibazoi, it's time to daven." And the couple had a child. Wait, wait. There's a bunch of questions that we have to ask on this medrash. The couple comes to Roshim Bayochai. They say, "We'd like to get a divorce." What was your Shem B'Yochai's etza? What was his etza in that minute? That's a strange etza. Question number one. That's a strange etza. Couples coming to divorce, you don't say, "Let's make a party." Question number one.

6:21 Question number two. What changed? What changed? Meaning now, after the party, after they came back, and he said, "I was the most valuable possession that she took home." Now Roshim Bayochai says, "now let's daven." I don't understand it. Roshim Bayochai could have davened for them to have a child. And why didn't he just tell them in the beginning? It should have been like some Rebbe Shemaisa. A couple came to Roshim Bayochai. They walked into Roshim Bayochai's home. And they sat. They saw the saintly Rabbi sitting and learning and writing Zohar. He wasn't even learning a seder; he was writing Zohar. And they came to him. They said, "Rabbi, bless us with a child." And nine months went by in a matter of minutes, and she walked out and had a kid on the porch. It could have been the most amazing story. The Shmuel Yochai makes them go through a whole thing. It's a little bit funny. He comes to a whole thing. You have to make a party, you have to spend all this money. He's going to get drunk. What in the world is going on? If you could have davened, davened before.

7:18 Okay, That's question number one. Or question number two. Hit pause on those questions. Let's do a different one. It's Svir Asimer. So you're obligated to say the same vart every year. This is the time where of Akiva's twenty four thousand students died. And famously, what does everybody know? The Gemara doesn't say they were twenty four thousand. What does Gemara say? They were twelve thousand chavrushas. They were twelve thousand pairs. Twelve thousand zugim, right? So Gemara asks, why doesn't it say twenty four thousand talmidim? Why does it say twelve thousand zugim? That's the famous kasha. Why does it say twelve? Those are the two questions. A third question: What did Rav Akiva's talmidim die from? Why did they die? Girls I want you to hear something. If you're called a talmid of somebody That's a schus. Not everybody gets to be called a talmid. Just because you sat in somebody's she'er does not make you a talmid.

8:22 And I'll tell you, this is true. There were talmidim of Rav Salavechik. And then there were people that sat in shear by Rav Salavichik And Rav Shechter, who's Rosh Yeshiva of YU, often says that some of these people that are going around calling themselves "quote unquote" Talmidim of Rav Salavichik, he used to mark their tests. And one of them, who in particular is a well-known person who goes around calling himself a Talmid of Rav Salavichik, got an eight on one of his tests. That's what he got an eight. That's what Rav Shechter got an eight. Rav Shechter like an eight, like out of a hundred, he got an eight. So not everybody gets to say that they're a Talmud. And in fact, I'll tell you a story. My Rabbi Rivpanis Baruch Hashem, is 93 years old. He should be Zeichut Rofu Shleima. My Rabbi Rivpanis We were very close. We are very close.

9:16 In addition to the tremendous Lamedus, the analysis of Gemara that he taught, he also gave over a certain hashkafa. So I one time asked him. I said. I met a Talmud of Rebbe, somebody who I wasn't in Sheer with, somebody who was a little bit older than me. So you know what my Rebbe said, because this guy wasn't hashkafically aligned with my Rebbe. He said, Mordechai, he sat in Sheer. You understand what he was saying? Don't call him a Talmud. He sat in Sheer. Not just 'cause you, girls, just because you're in this class right now Doesn't mean you're a Talmud. And frankly, I'm not your Rebbe, right? Because I come in once a week, I do my little song and dance, I make my little jokes, right? Give a little muster. To be a Talmud is a privilege to say that I'm a Talmud of that Rebbe. That's a privilege. If we say that somebody was a Talmud of Rebbe Akiva, do you understand how great that person has to be to say that somebody is a Talmud of Rebbe Akiva?

10:12 So I don't understand who we're talking about. We're talking about Gdalya Elam. Gdalya Elam, massive people, huge Talmid Chachamim. What does it mean? We say shelo nahagu kavod zeb. Why did the talmidim of Rav Akiva die? They weren't nice to each other. Girls, what did that look like? What did that look like? Do you think the talmidim of Rav Akiva were like the 18-year-old talmidim of today? Is that what they were like? What were they doing in the dorms? Were they pranking each other in the dorms? Is that what Shalom Nagu Kavod Zavazem means? They were flipping each other's mattresses. They were putting shaving cream all over them in the middle of the night. What were they doing? They're lighting their mattresses on fire. What were they doing? Stealing their stuff, hiding their stuff, taking all their stuff out of the laundry. The guy comes out of the shower, he has no idea where it is. I'm not saying that these things happened in the yeshiva. I'm just saying these are stories. Maybe I thought of right now. But I'm saying What are we talking? We say Shalom Nagu Kavod Zavazem. They were Gedalei Eilam.

11:08 This was Rav Chaim Kaniewski. This was Rav Ami Bistayman. This was Rav Gershon Edelstein. This was Rav Yashiv. This was Rav Kook. This was Rav Salavitch. This was the Lubavitcher Rebbe. This is not my Rebbe. This was Rav Hutner. This was Rav Ruderman. Who are we talking about? Twenty-four thousand gedolei yisroel, and yet the Gemara says shalom nagu kavod zeh bezeh. They weren't treating each other respectfully. What does that mean? And I have another question. Why don't we know their names? We do not know any of their names. Do you realize what that means? 24,000 talmidim of Ravakiva. These were Ravakiva talmidim. The Gemara says Shalom na'agul kavod zeh. They didn't treat each other with honor, and they're not part of the Masoreh at all. Not one of their names made it into the Gemara. Not one. And by the way, most of Shas that we have is from the five talmidim of Rav Akiva that he taught after the 24,000 died. Most of Shas.

11:59 That means these boys are spending their time delving into their whole lives. It is not from the twenty-four thousand Talmidim. They're not even part of the Masorah. What happened to them? I've said this to you before, but it bears repeating over and over. There are two ways of looking at a relationship. You can look at a relationship like a machine. And the point of a machine is to produce a product. Some people look at relationships like a machine. Create a relationship Create a product. Create a relationship, create a product. You should be zeicheh to build a bias ne'eman bi'Yisroel. You missed it. Some people look. Let's say it again. To quote Ruvangelin Some people look at relationships like a machine. Create the machine Create the product. You got married. What's the goal of marriage? Build something. Go build a bias nemi yisrael. What's the point of the relationship? To create a certain function.

13:25 Let's say the relationship doesn't yield that. Let's say kids Rachmanuletz long go off the derech. That's why kids aren't keeping Shabbos. But did you create a bias Nemo Biyisrael? So you'll say, so you're going to come up with some sort of fancy tarot and you're going to say, really they did? Is the kids didn't take? Maybe building bias and Nemo Biyisrael means something else. It's not create a relationship, create a product. Maybe the goal of the relationship is the relationship itself. No reason. There's no reason for the relationship. Did you happen? There's no reason for the relationship. If you're in a relationship Then you're not in a relationship at all. For example You've heard me say this before. If you ask me Why am I in a relationship with my wife? What could I possibly answer? That would be satisfactory. Nothing. I'm in a relationship with her because she's a really good mom. Let's say she has a bad day.

14:39 So then, what happened to the relationship? I just the way that I feel when I'm around her. That wasn't good. That's how I know you're not paying attention. You gotta watch for it. I'm in a relationship because the way, of course, because if you're only in a relationship for the way that, right? I know You're, am I the? You're right. Next time, I'll choose a more appropriate time to make that joke. So if I'm in a relationship because of the way that person makes me feel, then who am I? Who am I really in a relationship with? Me. That's exceptionally selfish. I'm in a relationship because my wife is an amazing baker. Exhibit A. That's never. It's really not nice that you laughed at that. So there's nothing you could possibly say because if you say why you're in a relationship with somebody, then the person you're really in a relationship with is yourself.

15:46 Yourself. Really, the reason why we're in relationships is no reason at all. We could not possibly give it language. And by the way, it's an amazing thing to know this because now you can be the greatest thing in your relationship. The greatest thing you can be in a relationship with is the greatest mitzvah you can have in a relationship: loyalty. That's really the greatest one. Because that's where resilience comes from. Relationships can be hard. And when you hit those bumps in the road, if you're in a relationship because you know what you're going to say The cause ain't here, neither am I. I'm out. But if you realize you're not in a relationship Then whether you're having good days or bad days, good weeks or bad weeks, good months or bad months, good years or bad years, you know what you're going to be? Loyal.

16:39 You're going to be loyal to the relationship because you're going to say, I'm going to. My goal of the relationship is to be in the relationship. It's an infinite game. The relationship exists to be in the relationship. Does that sound nonsensical? It does. You know why? Because it's not within the boundaries of logic. Logically, I would only do something that's going to advance my best interest. Relationships are not like that. But you have to have a reason why you made a connection with that person. If you could give language, why did you not just pick any random woman off the street? Exactly. I have no idea why, and yet. There was something deep about every couple that you speak to that they say, there was just some connection that we couldn't possibly begin to describe, but there was something about the kesha that was so much more real than anybody else. It's exactly right. And if you could give language to it, that was closer. If you could give language to it, that's why people come to me. They're like I like him. He's a good guy. He has good middos. I'm like, you want to marry him? They're like, I don't think so.

17:41 Then it might not be a good idea to marry him. Because you're not marrying a piece of paper And you literally have this. He checks everything on the box. The thing is, he's three-dimensional. He's not a piece of paper. You're going to have to spend the rest of your life. That's not true. I was very careful. It's not true. Three-dimensional. I didn't say how large the dimensions were. We can't give language to that which is beyond the realm of language. It's like when people say, 'Why did Hashem create the world?' There is no good answer to that question. What do you want? What do you want the answer to be? God created the world so that He could what? He could fill some sort of need within himself. Give to us. But that? There's something very dangerous about that if you say it the wrong way. Because now, if you say it like that, you know what you're going to say?

18:36 Awesome. So my job here in this world is to take A little different. Got to be very careful. God doesn't need to give because what was that? He didn't create. Meaning, if you believe that there's a cause, something that caused God, then there's something outside of God. If you ask me why I act, usually it's because there's something outside of me that compels me to act. Why do I eat? Because otherwise I'm going to die. There's me and there's death. I have to eat. You understand? So whenever we talk about a cause, that's very—you got to be very careful because if there's something outside of God that's causing Him to do it, right? So then that's you're already like. So you can't say that Hashem created the world. The Medrash says, listen, what the Medrash says, because you're quoting from the Ramchal. You're quoting from the Ramchal, and the Ramchal said it, not exactly the way you said it.

19:31 And you find it by the way even before the Ramchal in different Kabbalah But the Medrash says that Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world because He had a tayva. Not for any reason, but he had desire. It was something that could not be contained by logic—a pure desire. Now you could understand that the desire was to give, but giving is not what compelled Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It's a very important idea to understand. Listen now once again to the story of Rav Shimon Bar Yochai and the couple that came to him. The couple came to him and said, "We want a divorce." Rishim ba'yochai. In that moment, I understood why they didn't have children. He understood why they didn't have children. You know why? Because the relationship was all about the creation of something else. There was something fundamentally lacking in the relationship itself. In the purest sense, they would have said "Kids or no kids, we're here. We're with each other. Totally loyal for no reason." They came and they said, "This relationship has no reason to be."

20:43 It's like Rachel Imenu. What did Rachel Imenu say to Yaakov? Ve'im ayn mesa anochi. If I have no children, it's like I'm dead. And what does the pasuk say? Yaakov Venu got upset at her. Why did Yaakov Venu get upset? Because he was saying, with or without children It's not there's not nothing. There's not nothing. After that conversation, Rachel Yemenu had children. The relationship has to be for the relationship, not for the sake of what the relationship will produce. We can appreciate the genius of Roshim Bayochai. What was Roshim Bayochai saying? Roshim Bayochai was saying, "Let's make a party." You need another chasna. You need another chasna. Roshim Bayochai somehow had Rachel Kodesh that what was going to happen by that chasna. He was gonna get drunk, and girls, what happens? What is possible? What do we know? When you get drunk, you lose your das You lose the intellect, you lose the capacity to try to put things into language. When a drunk person is drunk, they have no language. They go to a place that's before language, that's beyond das. And in that moment, what did he say to her? Take whatever you want.

21:54 Really, I want you to be happy. She was able to respond to that. Then I choose you. Because the way she looked at her husband up until that moment was what he only wants to be here with me so we can have children. But when he said no, we're leaving but I care about you, we're not going to be with each other but I care about you, then she said really you care about me. I care about you too. So she took him home. He woke up the next day and said, 'What am I doing here?' She said, 'I chose you.' They went back to Rishon Bei'ocha. I said now we could daven. Beforehand there was no relationship to daven on. There was nothing there. So to come for Shemba Yochai is not saying there's a nasr. Shemba Yochai is saying we can daven, meaning we could bring something into reality only when there's something to bring into reality. There's a relationship.

22:42 There's a relationship. Now we could develop that relationship will have children. Rav Kivis Talmidim. Rav Kivis Talmidim were gedolei olam But we never heard of them. We never heard of them. There was something about them that could not be a part of the Mitzvot. And I'll tell you what it was. You ready for this? They were chavrusas. And when they showed up to their chavrusa What was the point of the chavrusa? Create a relationship Create a product. We are here to achieve Torah knowledge. The person who was sitting across from them. Was not meaningful. You know what Shalom Nagu Kavod Zebes that means? If you were sitting I want you to appreciate this. If we traveled back in time And we were invisible. And we walked into the beis medrash You would have seen unbelievable Torah learning. The Kol Torah in the beis medrash would have been something wild to behold. A beis medrash that held twelve thousand talmidim Bigger even than the Mir.

23:57 In one place, sitting in Steing, Brisk and Ayeiraisa, they were arguing, learning. It was beautiful to watch. This one set up shot, that one set up shot. They went back and forth, trying to figure out what was the depth of what was happening. And you would have seen on the outside? Perfect respect. Perfect respect. In fact, it would have been a mystery to you. Hal Chazal could have said, "Shalom nagu kovet zebeze." What do you mean? What do you mean? They're treating each other fine. And if they weren't treating each other fine, wouldn't Rav Kiva have gotten up and said, 'Guys, you got to stop. There's going to be a plague. It's going to wipe you out. This is going to be bad. You're not treating each other respectfully.' Right? This Rav Kiva we're talking about here. You couldn't discern the lack of kavod because the lack of kavod was something much more subtle. Kavod means weight, right? Isn't that what kavod means? Like when something is kaved, it's heavy.

24:54 There was no weight to the relationship. There was no ahava between them. They treated each other fine. They treated each other fine, but there was no covet. There was no value for the person that was sitting across from you. It was all like you say a pshat, so then I can say a pshat, and then we could work out together how to get to this unbelievable pshat in Torah. But you, as a person You're not interesting to me. When they were going through hard times, their chavruta never knew because there was no real relationship there. It was all just to get to the pshat, to the final pshat. Such people cannot be balei mesora. Perhaps they had unbelievable ideas, but to make them part of the mesora No way No way. I'm gonna tell you something else. The talmidim If they really got this They really would have gotten this idea.

25:52 They would have understood. That the Rebbe Rav Akiva had tried to teach it to them before They missed the lesson. When was the lesson? 24 years Rav Akiva sits and learns in Kylow. You all know the famous story. He came back home after 12 years. He heard his wife talking. He went back 24 years. Unbelievable, right? 24 years. He comes with an army of talmidim to his wife Rachel. What does he do? He turns to his talmidim and he says Sheli All the taira that I have; All the taira that you have. Shala, it's all because of her. What was Rav Akiva modeling for his talmidim? He was teaching them to value the relationship. Everything you have. It's because of the relationship that I have with my wife. Because if Rachel Ravikiva's wife really wanted just a product, then what should she have told her Ravikiva? Stay home. Don't go away and learn for all those years. Stay home, so that we could sit and talk. Stay home, so that you could help me raise the kids. Stay home. What did she tell her husband? Go out.

27:05 Because Rachel understood that the relationship could stand the test of time and distance. Because the relationship was eternal. Shaliv, shalachem, shala And the talmid missed it. And in the time of Sfira, Sayer We have to work on this idea to understand that the people sitting in this room right now are not just here to be other growth-oriented girls with whom you could shtag from But there are real people, and the relationship has to be valuable. Treating each other with respect, of course. Pasha, the varim shut dem admaeid. Of course, it means you should be nice. Of course, it means don't turn on the light when it's two o'clock in the morning and your roommate is sleeping. Of course, it means don't fight over silly things like what temperature the air conditioner should be on. I'm just saying if you know what I'm saying. I'm not saying specific things, right? Don't fight about who takes so long in the bathroom in the morning. That's not what we're talking about here.

28:10 Of course, don't be judgmental. It's so much more meaningful than that. Are we a family here or what? Really, think about that for a second. Are we really a family? Do we really give weight to every person that's here, not because of what they do for us, not because of the way that they behave, not because they inspire or don't inspire, but just because we're here together?