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So Purim Purim is coming up, so it's kaddish to spend a couple of minutes on Purim. There's a very beautiful story about the great tzaddik whose name was Shalom Rokeach, who's better known as the Sar Shalom of Bells. And the Sar Shalom of Bells would lay in the Megillah every single year And his laying was legendary. And when he was a young man. He wasn't yet like a known saddik So he leaned Megillah in the beis medrash of the Chayza of Lublin. Girls heard of the Chayza of Lublin. You went to Poland, right? So you saw the Chayza of Lublin's kever. So the people that were there sensed that something extraordinary was happening when he read the Megillah. But he wasn't yet a known person. And at the end of the reading of the Megillah. The Chayza of Lublin said, "I've heard the story of Purim many, many times in my life."
But I've never heard it quite like this. The reading of the Megillah of the Sare Shalom of bells It must have been something extraordinary for the Chayza of Lublin to say, 'I never heard a Kriyas Megillah like the Sare Shalom of bells.' What does it mean to us to hear the Megillah in such a way that it touches us on our soul? That it transforms not just the Purim that we have, but it transforms our lives? To try to explore tonight a little bit about what could be special about the reading of the Star of Shalom with bells, I want to start with two questions. The first question is a very strange halacha. The halacha is. Hakireh is a Megillah leMafreya lo Yotze. If you read the Megillah backwards, you're not Yotze. If Chazal have to tell us that if you read the Megillah backwards, you're not Yotze, what does that imply?
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That we would have thought that you could read the Megillah backwards. I don't know how you girls read books But nobody starts at the end. If you start at the end of the story, you don't know what's happening. So Chazal have to come and tell us a halacha. A kari is a megillah, a freya lo yotze. Of course, you're not yotze. That's not the way. That's not the way you read. Why would anyone even think to do that? That's our first question. The second question Which is also a very important question, we know chayev inish lebesume b'purya ad lo yada ben har hamon lebarach mordechai that a person is supposed to become fragranced with wine. How much? To the degree that at some point in Purim they should not know the difference between Aruch Haman and Boruch Mordechai, that's a very strange thing. First of all, since when in Yiddishkeit do we have a notion of getting drunk Let alone so drunk that a person doesn't know the difference between the greatest tzaddik in the world and the biggest Russia in the world? That's the strangest thing in the world. Imagine somebody is sitting in Bnei Brak.
And they don't know the difference between YaYa Sinwar Yemachshemo, the architect of October 7. That's a crazy thing to say that a person should get so drunk, and then not only that—that's the level of drunk that a person should get to, but then it's like the goal that on Purim you should cry out and you should go Ya Sinwar Zecher Zadik Levracha. Chazal didn't say such a thing. What could it mean? Haman was a million times worse than Ya Sinwar. Haman was ready and able to destroy all of Klal Yisrael. So what do Chazal mean? B'cholá, we don't understand this idea of drinking And to drink to the point that I don't understand the difference between the greatest tzaddik in the world and the greatest rasha in the world, it has to mean something very deep. So tonight, just for a couple of minutes, to try to prepare ourselves for the holy yomtiv of Purim Which unfortunately in certain sectors today is not celebrated in the way that Chazal intended.
And it's become some people call it a Jewish Halloween, some people call it a Jewish St. Patrick's Day. The chas v'shalom. That's not at all what Chazal intended. For us tonight, to try to understand a little bit of the kedusha of Purim, the kedusha of the sashalom of Belz, who knew how to read the Megillah in such a way that everybody was nespal from it. There's a psychological principle in life, and it goes like this. Fundamentally Life is vulnerable. That's what life is. Everyone in this room has experienced the vulnerability of life in some way. We've all experienced some degree of pain in our lives. Some degree of hurt, some degree of loneliness, of abandonment. Everyone in this world has experienced some degree of vulnerability. Shaila is. What do we do with that vulnerability? How do we respond to it? So most people respond to the vulnerability of life.
By trying to gain control over the uncontrollable Does that make sense? I'll give an example of what this looks like. You girls were what in ninth grade when COVID broke out? You were entering into ninth grade, or you were finishing ninth grade? Purim of ninth grade. So do you remember how things swung from normal to totally not normal in a very short amount of time? So I remember being at home And I was saying to my wife, we weren't davening in shul at that point. There were no shuls; they weren't even open. So we were making like a keilu, like a minyan, not exactly a minyan. Like I was making like a Friday night matzav in my house. So we would move the couches, and we had an area where my daughters, my wife and myself would daven Kabbalah Shabbos Friday night together. It was really beautiful and singing, and it was a really stunning thing. But you couldn't go out of the house.
And there was real pachad about the vulnerability of what's going to happen. My grandmother, very shortly into COVID, passed away from COVID. She was ninety years old. She walked by somebody in the hall in her assisted living facility in New Jersey. And in those days, in the very beginning of COVID, that was a death sentence. And a short while later, she passed away. And I remember I said to my wife I miss the illusion of control Because that's what everyone is living with right now. Every one of us is living with this control that's really, if we unpack it, just an illusion. And think about the amount of things that we do in our life to pretend that we have control over life's vulnerabilities. In other words, that's anxiety. Let's say on steroids is this concept. It's I need to control the uncontrollable. So let's say for example, somebody you know is sick And the doctors do a blood test.
And there's a part of you that's thinking like Maybe it's going to come back and Chas v'Shalom it'll be cancer, right? And then it comes back and it's like, no, it's just bacterial pneumonia, and you're like Baruch Hashem. It's only bacterial pneumonia. But in those moments where you had to confront the possibility that somebody you love had a blood test and maybe it was cancer, what do you do? You sit there and you're like There's nothing I'm going to be able to do about this. So maybe you start googling it, and you start looking up symptoms of cancer. You ever do that WebMD thing where you're "Right, really?", good. I have at least one person that's like me, Even though everybody's really like us, but you're the only one with the courage to say it. Everyone's done it. But that's what we do. When things get scary, we seek control, and here's the key: we seek control through the power of knowing.
If I only know Then I'll have control. So we never really think about this because knowledge is a beautiful thing to have. But knowledge could become something very toxic. And they even say it. They go, "Knowledge is power" And it is power to a certain degree. If you know what to do in life You have some quote-unquote control over life, even though you really don't. But knowledge could become a vehicle, a tool for trying to control the uncontrollable. And we don't think of knowledge that way. Imagine you came to Ashir. And the Rebbe who's giving the shiur tells you You're here for knowledge. You're here to learn about Torah. You're just a bunch of anxious people trying to control the uncontrollable. It's not a really good sales pitch for coming to a shiur, especially on Motzei Tanis Esther when you girls are just getting done fasting for the day.
Knowledge at a certain level could be corrupted. It's just a way of me trying to maintain control. That's why you have all these girls in seminary and guys in yeshiva. They're like, Rabbi, could you give us a class on shalom bayis? Why do you want a class on shalom bayis? I feel like I need to know what to do. What are you so concerned about? I'm going to get married. I'm going to have no idea what to do. It's like calming me down by giving me the power of knowledge. There's nothing wrong with having a shalom bayis here, but you have to know when you cross the line. Were you learning about shalom bayis because you wanted to be a better wife, a better husband, or were you learning about shalom bayis because that was your way of gaining this illusory power to have control over the anxious possibility that maybe something's going to go wrong in my marriage and I'm not going to know what to do?
Rabbi? Can we have a parenting class? Why? Why do you want a parenting class? What happens if my teenager does exactly what I did? I don't know what to do. Why don't you know what to do? Because look what my parents did to me. There's nothing wrong with learning, but at some point, learning gives us a feeling of power that's really a power that doesn't belong to us. It's just a way of avoiding life's vulnerabilities. Does that make sense? I'll give you an example of this. Imagine the entire world was ruled by one ruler And he makes a party. And the biggest tzaddik in the world gets up and says, "Don't go to the party." This is a bad party. It's celebrating the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash and the fact that the Beis Hamikdash is not being rebuilt. What would you say from your power of knowing?
What would you have said if a great tzaddik got up and said, "Don't go to the White House for this party"? If every single other nation in the world shows up to this party, and the Jews are the only ones that don't show up to the party, what's going to happen? There is going to be crazy anti-Semitism. So this is exactly what happened. Achashverosh said "Everyone's invited to the party." Every Jew said, "We have to go." What did Mordechai say? If you go, you are messing with Hashem because this party is celebrating the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. It's much better for Achashverosh to be upset than for Hashem to be frustrated with us. But from our power of knowing, from our logic, from our need to control, what did we do? We went to the party. Looking back on it, who was right? If you ever read the story of the Megillah, you might go like, yeah, but it kind of makes sense.
We're not even fully bought in. Even now, we're not fully bought into Mordechai's version. Because right now, when I just told it to you, how many of us would have the courage to go? I don't want to upset Achashverosh. I imagine every one of us would have had a real tayva to go. By the way, it's happening in the world right now. We don't want to upset world opinion, so we're not really going into Rafa where we know the hostages are being held. Because we don't want the world to be against us. But we still have the same craziness. There's a logic that we're living with. And we've bought into this knowing, which is not a good type of knowing. You understand the difference. The story of the Megillah is about knowing when your knowledge is a function of anxiety and power and control, versus when a person has to say, 'I have to go beyond knowing,' because ideas are what we do.
Even though ideas are not necessarily true, we turn our ideas into absolute truth because they make us feel safe. I'll give you an example of this. This one might hurt a little bit. You ready? Let's say you have a roommate. And the roommate is doing something that makes you feel unsafe. So what do you do? You craft a narrative around that roommate. For example, she wants the temperature at one temperature, and you want the temperature at a different temperature. I'm given to understand that in seminaries this is a very big deal, and from the fact that most of you just looked at each other, I'm going to assume that that's correct. Next example. It's a little too close to home. So let's say one roommate likes it a little bit colder, and one roommate likes it a little bit hotter. Let's just make that up.
So rather than lean into the vulnerability and say we have a conflict. We turn the roommate into a villain. We get an idea. Not you, We get an idea and we say she's insensitive. And then we start to marshal evidence around her insensitivity And we go around telling people she's so insensitive. All I did was ask for the temperature to be a little bit hotter or a little bit colder, and she went off on me. You should know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I spoke to a bunch of girls, and they've also experienced it that way. And five or six times this year, I could tell you examples of how insensitive she is. By the way, it's fun sitting in this moment right here, watching all of you do this. It's fun for me. Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me.
It's a safe space here in Sharfman's. It's a very safe space. What are we doing when we do that? What we're doing is saying something here is unsafe. So I need to have an idea, a truth, a narrative that I build and corroborate and put together to make me feel like, see, it's not my fault, it's her fault. Is that idea absolutely true that your roommate's insensitive? You know how you know that it's not absolutely true because she has the same exact narrative about you. Nobody's the villain in their own story. Everybody in their own story has a justification for the way they're behaving because all you did is you took an idea and it was just an idea, but you blew the idea up to the degree that now you could say, 'See, that's the idea.' It's a crazy thing that we do. What's the alternative in this roommate situation?
What's the alternative in life? You know him. To a certain degree, the answer is yes, and I'll explain to you why. That's you're talking, addressing it is a beautiful idea, but before even addressing it, there's something that has to happen. I have to acknowledge and accept reality as it is. Which means that I'm powerless. That's no small thing. You're in a dilemma with your roommate. This we'll give it to you. I'm giving you tips right here. You ready? You work that out. You're hot. I was cold. If it was all the way around, I'd want it like that. I understand. Very beautiful. We're not lizards. I feel badly that I touched on such a sensitive subject right before Purim, which is a month of unity. The first step The first step, whenever we confront the vulnerability of life, is to accept that we are powerless in this situation.
I cannot control people, places, or things. And the thing that I'm scared of if it happens. And whatever it is, then we'll deal with it. Many years ago, I learned this lesson the hard way. Many, many years ago, nine years ago, I was in the hospital. I was in the hospital for a month and I legitimately almost died. And I was in the ICU for a significant amount of time. It's a crazy story, but it doesn't matter. And at some point, I wasn't getting better, and the medicine wasn't working. And it was in the ICU, and all the doctors were gathered around me because it's a teaching hospital. I was in a dasen karem And I wasn't really paying attention to what the doctors were talking about until I heard the doctor say the word cancer. And then I started paying attention. I said, "What'd you just say?"
So he said, "Well, come back and tell you later." I said, "No, you don't get to say cancer and then leave." But then they left. I was in the ICU. I was very sick. I couldn't chase them. But I got out of bed and I started following them. For me at that time, to walk down the hall of Hadassah Ein Kerem Hospital took me 45 minutes. That's how slow it was. So till I caught up to them doing their rounds, it was like a couple minutes later, even though they had only gone 20 feet. And they said, "You have to go back to bed right now." I said, "You don't get to say cancer and then leave." Finally, they came back to me at the end of their rounds. And they said, look, we have to consider the possibility that it's cancer. And anyone who's in his early 30s at the time I freaked out.
I was like, what in the world? What's going to happen to me? Cancer? That's crazy. Little kids. My wife was nine months pregnant. This is crazy. So I said, what do we do if it's cancer? So I'll never forget. The doctor looked at me like I was a doofus. He said, we'll treat it. I said, but what if the treatment doesn't work? Then we'll have a different treatment. I said, "What if that doesn't work?" So he started to get annoyed. We'll treat it, meaning you do whatever you can, right? But I had already resigned myself to having to know all the different possibilities. I didn't want to accept the fact that the doctor was saying maybe I have cancer, and maybe I'm going to be sick, and maybe I'm going to die. So I needed to know, what are you going to do that's absolutely going to save my life? A doctor knows.
All we can do is accept reality as it is and treat it. That's the level of power that we have. Baruch Hashem, it wasn't cancer. But there was a two-week period where we really weren't sure. It was a scary time, and I was definitely on WebMD at that time trying to find out what that meant. Because there's a level of acceptance of the vulnerability of life that none of us want to have. None of us want to look the scary parts of life in the face and go, "It's possible." Every seminary girl has in her head, "My marriage is going to be better." You know what? The truth of the matter is Your marriage is going to be beautiful, God willing, but it will certainly be imperfect. Like every other marriage in the history of the world But what if my kids aren't? None of your kids will be absolutely perfect. They will all make mistakes. So you could take parenting classes and make yourself meshugna. All you're really trying to do is create some sort of power over something that is not necessarily in your circle of influence.
There's a level where it is in your circle of influence, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with taking parenting classes. But before you take those parenting classes, the first thing that we all have to do is accept life as it is and acknowledge that there are things in life that we are powerless over. That's what it means. Ad lo yada ben arur haman lebarach mordachai. The Vilna Gaon points out that the gematria of arur haman and barach mordachai are exactly the same gematria. You know that they're both five hundred and two. What does this mean? What does it mean that there's to know that there's no difference, or to know that you could say Ar Haman and Baruch Mordechai, you could say Ar Mordechai and Baruch Haman, and it's exactly the same thing? What does that mean? It means, and this is a hard concept.
It means that which appears to be bad and that which appears to be good. They are just steps in a part of a process, and we don't know anything more than that. What appears to us in our life to be Baruch Mordechai might be error. And what appears to us in our life might be error. Haman could really be Baruch Haman. The worst things in life could be the best things. The best things in life might end up being the worst things. And if you just stay out of your narrative and you just stay out of building up these ideas, you allow things to be what they are. You might discover that life is exactly the opposite of what you think it is. I'll give an example of this. Do you know that one of the greatest educators in the history of the world was a man whose name was Shmuel Bar Shilas?
Gemara in Sanhedrin 96b, the Gemara in Baba Basra 8b, says that he was a convert. He came from the family of Haman, and he was so devoted to teaching Torah that he didn't have to pay taxes. You didn't have to pay taxes? Because he literally lived in yeshiva and he didn't leave. All he did was teach Torah all day long. What's the pshat? What's the pshat in this that Haman could have such a descendant? Because we look at Haman and say it's the worst thing in the world And of course, in its moment, it is. But do we really know what Haman is? Do we really know what that process of Haman is going to look like? Who knows? Maybe a Shmuel Bar Shilas is going to come out of Haman. Do you know that the Gemara says the descendants of Haman taught Torah and Bnei Brak, and according to some, that means Rav Akiva, who was greater even than Moshe Rabbeinu when it came to understanding Torah? The Gemara says that Rav Akiva Moshe Abinu said you should give the Torah through him because he even has a higher level of understanding than I do.
Was a descendant of Haman? So that's a good question. What it means? Haman had descendants. It's a good question. That he killed those ten sons. The question is, how did he get those? Very good. It's a big conversation. I'm not going to get into it right now. But excellent. Great point. But the idea is that we're so convinced that Haman is evil, and of course, what he did was evil. Do we know the final story of how things play out? I give an example of this. Let's say you have a boy. And he's a Lebedek kid in high school. You know what they do with Lebedek children? They throw them out of school. So here you have a boy, and he gets thrown out of yeshiva. And now what does he do? He's on the streets. He's got to figure out what to do with his life. So he goes and finds a job.
And he starts learning from somebody. I'm making the story up as I go along. Let's say he finds a job working with somebody who's flipping houses. So this guy who's flipping houses, you know what he does? He buys houses He buys houses, and he fixes up the houses, and then he's able to sell them for a hundred fifty thousand dollars more. So this kid starts apprenticing by him. This kid He starts getting really good at it, and he gets some money together. You know what he does? He starts flipping houses himself. And all of a sudden, the kid has got some self-esteem because he's got some money in his pocket, and he says, "Oh, look at me! I'm competent. I could do something with my life." And now, before long, as a 16, 17-year-old kid, he's already flipped five or six houses, and the kid has two, three hundred thousand dollars in the bank. It's unbelievable.
But now he's not the same 14-year-old kid that he was when he got thrown out of yeshiva. He has some skills. He has some confidence. You know what happens? He decides to himself, "I want to learn Torah." Now he's a person who learned some discipline, so he decides I'm going to go to Eretz Israel and he enrolls in a yeshiva in Eretz Israel. And he comes to yeshiva and it turns out that even though he went to a lower level yeshiva because he didn't necessarily have the skills that he could have gotten in high school, it turns out that he's head and shoulders above every other kid in the yeshiva. You know why? Because he's a guy that knows how to wake up in the morning, put in a hard day's work, and get things done in a short amount of time. He's already out of that yeshiva. He becomes one of the top bachurim in that yeshiva because he's got skills. He knows how to put in a good work ethic. He moves up from yeshiva to yeshiva, and all of a sudden, this guy is in a real serious yeshiva and is considered a real plugger.
And you know what he does? He goes, "The best thing that ever happened to me was I got thrown out of yeshiva. Even though I missed those years of learning, I see that what I thought then was arah haman was really baruch haman. That rebbe that chucked me from yeshiva, I hated his guts, but I see that Hashem had a better plan. I just didn't know it at the time." Imagine if we would live life that way. We would go ad lo yada. I'm getting to a level where whatever happens, I'm going to accept it as it is, but I'm not going to make up stories about it. I'm not going to say that's the worst thing that ever happened to me or that's the best thing that ever happened to me because I have no idea what is that just happened. I only know that this what is and this what I feel. So something that appeared to be tragic might not be tragic at all. Something that appeared to be amazing might not be amazing at all.
I'm just accepting reality as it is, and I'm not building any stories around it. Imagine what our lives could look like. Imagine how much happier we would be that way. This is what the Lubavitcher Rebbe says: 'Arur Haman and Baruch Mordechai.' It means it's hard to know what's good and what's not good. What's a tool of Hashem to move us in this direction, or a tool of Hashem to move us in that direction? It's not obvious. It's never obvious. Let's go back. What does it mean? A Kore es a Megillah le-Mafreya lo Yotze. If you read the Megillah starting with the tenth chapter and go to the first chapter, you're not Yotze. Why would anyone do that? Do you girls understand? Because if you read it from the end, then what do you know? It's like now I have power. I know how the story is going to end.
So it makes us feel really good to read the story backwards. Imagine you opened up a book. So nobody would ever do this. We open up a book. Imagine you bought a goyish book. You opened up the book. It's a story. You opened up the book and you read the last chapter. I just can't handle the anxiety of wondering what's going to happen the entire time. That's so sad. It's so if you read a book If you read a book, you know what you want to experience. You want to experience the vulnerability of the journey. That I don't know how this book is going to end. That's what we all did with Harry Potter. For you girls, by the time you girls were old enough to read Harry Potter, probably all seven were out, so you could have binge read them. But when I was growing up, I was already married, and Harry Potter started coming out. You had to wait from one Harry Potter to the next. And people, once they got their Harry Potters, would read them in a night.
They would read them in a night. I have to binge watch all the Netflix shows at once. I have to be able to see all of this show at once because I can't handle the vulnerability of waiting week to week. When I was a kid growing up, there was something called Must See TV NBC Thursdays. I'm not telling you what shows were on, but some of those shows are on Netflix today. It used to be that you had to wait from week to week to see if they would or wouldn't get back together. Who knows what'll be with Rachel and Ross? I'm not telling you which shows. I'm just saying. That's the way you grew up. You needed to know what's going to be. You had to learn to embrace the vulnerability. If somebody opens up the Megillah, which is the story of our lives, it's the story of Chol Yisrael's history, and they go, 'I know the end. Now I'm okay, because I know the end.' Then you missed the whole point of Purim.
The whole point of Purim is to embrace the vulnerability of your life story and to say, "I don't know how this is going to end up, but it's okay." And girls, that's the time we're living in right now. The time that we're living in right now is completely uncertain. I'm going to say something. I don't know if any of you girls have thought it. I imagine some of you have, but I'm going to say it out loud. I'm betting some of you are wondering what happens if over Pesach the state of Israel goes to war with Lebanon. I'm betting some of you are wondering that. What will it mean for the rest of my seminary year? Is it going to be like COVID, and they won't let us back? Is there going to be sem? Will there not be sem? And we could spend. We could spend our time.
It's okay. I've been there. It's okay. I appreciate it. We could spend our time Sitting and wondering and reading the news all the time and going, "What's going to be? What's going to be? What's going to be?" Or we could say Whatever it's going to be It will be. I don't have to make up any stories around it. Think about how amazing our lives would be if we could let go of the anxiety of control. That's the avodah. This Purim. It seems impossible. But that's the avodah of Purim. The avodah of Purim is to move beyond a level of knowing that whatever I think I know, I don't even know that. That only at the very end of this story, in the times of Mashiach, is Hashem going to go and go that you thought that was good? That was the worst thing. And that thing that appeared to be terrible, it was the most incredible thing. I don't like to say this because I don't like to ever give a narrative around history, but it's certainly true that every single time Kali Yisrael has gone through terrible persecution, almost immediately afterwards we've experienced unbelievable flourishing.
It's certainly true. Again, I don't like to put these two things together, but historically speaking, it is a fact that after six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust, only a short couple of years later we were given the gift of coming back to Eretz Yisrael. And it's certainly true that in the last eighty years we've had an unbelievable flourishing of Yiddishkeit here. It's hard to know what's good and what's bad. All we can do is let go and let God, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous. Remember Remember. I'm not saying what's positive or negative. I'm saying all we have is the not knowing. That which appears to be terrible might be the best gift in the world. Again, when we speak about getting drunk on Purim, we're hopefully not speaking about the drunkenness of acting like a lunatic. Hopefully we're speaking about the drunkenness of moving beyond what we know to be true to a level of truth that is beyond our comprehension. That's the idea.
I know that it's not necessarily the way that Purim is celebrated today, but that's what Chazal meant. That's why some say you could even be Yotzei by going to sleep. Because we say in the times of Mashiach we're going to look back and say, 'Hayinu kecholim.' We were like dreamers. We were like dreamers. We were dreaming. We don't know what's what today. Everything doesn't make sense in this world. So we want to get to that level of sleep that sometimes comes with a little bit of wine. That's why you know in the times of Purim. Even those Jews that were totally assimilated, not one of them stood with Haman. Not one of them converted. That was Haman said, if you convert, you're out of the decree. Not one Jew, even those Jews that were totally off the derech, converted. Why? Because when you go past the level of knowing and you go to the essence, a Jew is a Jew.
When we go past the level of knowing, that's when we have unity. Do you realize that all of our knowledge created this unity in Klal Yisrael? All of the different things that we know—oh, you're this type of Jew, you're Sfarer, you're Ashkenazi, you're Satmar, you're Lubavitch, you're Yeshivas, you're Chassidus, you're Manor Tzadik. We figured out all this knowledge. We figured out how to use it to create separation. But if we move beyond the realm of knowing and we move to the essence of all things, just accepting everything as it is, then what are we? We're all just Jews. This is the state of Achdus that needs to exist. Our anxiety created this disunity. It's our responsibility to recreate it. Girls have a freilichen and a meaningful Purim.
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