Parshas Yisro - It's Not A Religion It's A Relationship

3:14 So you're telling me as follows: If I'm in the beis medrash and I'm sitting and staging and working on a tafsir and working on a Rashba and working on a Rambam. And I don't leave to go to that chuppah. Are you telling me that I'm not going to acquire taira? But if I do leave, then I am going to acquire taira. Isn't that? I would think it would be just the opposite. Who would acquire taira? The person who doesn't leave the beis medrash. Shouldn't that be the firm thing to do? In order to understand this, we need to ask one last question. What is unique here about the number five? What does five mean? It's not by accident that when it comes to achasson and akalah, there's five koylos, and when it comes to matan Torah, there's five koylos. What is the essence of the number five?

4:14 So I'm going to try to share with you something very deep tonight. It may seem at first a little bit difficult. It's not hard. Stay with me because even if you're hearing concepts that at first seem very unfamiliar, by the end you'll see it's very easy. When Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world, He did not just snap His fingers and then the world came into existence. That's not what happened. Something else happened entirely. The way that Hakadosh Baruch Hu created this world is with a concept that we call worlds. Worlds really just means layers. Let me explain. Hakadosh Baruch Hu desires to hide Himself. All of this world is really hide and go seek. God is hiding, and we're seeking. How does God hide Himself? The way that God hides Himself is through a spiritual system. That spiritual system, those layers, so to speak, hide Hakadosh Baruch Hu within creation. Have you heard the concept that when Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world, He created worlds?

5:34 Have you heard of this concept before? There are four worlds, and tonight we're going to go through those four worlds. We're going to start at the bottom and work our way up to the top. The first world is a world that we are very familiar with. This world is called Olam HaAsiya. The world of action, Oylem haasia, the world of action. In this world We do things because if we don't do things, it's not real. For example, when someone says to another person, "I love you," but they don't do anything about that love, what does the wife say to the husband? You don't really love me. Love is not a feeling; it's an action. In this world, love is an action. That's the famous shmooz from Rav Dessler that every girl has learned since she's a fetus. Ahava is from a lashon of hav, which means to give. Loving means to give. In this world, loving is giving. So it's very nice if you tell me you love me, but if you never spend any time with me and you never talk to me and you don't have a relationship with me, then you don't love me. Why is that?

6:52 It's because our world—this is the world we live in, which is the bottom level—is called the Olim HaAsiya. It's the world of action. No matter how much I think about something, no matter how much I feel about something, it doesn't make it real until it comes into the world of action. People like this. There are people in this world that talk about all the things they want to do in their life, and they are never going to do any of them. Why? What do we call those people? They're full of hot air. They just talk and talk, and what do they do? Nothing. They do nothing. You know these people. They talk a big game, but talk less. What do they do? Nothing. This world is a world of action. What have you done for me lately? And by the way, that's not a bad thing. That's not a bad thing because we are here to reveal Hakadosh Baruch Hu in this world, and that means there are certain actions that come along with every relationship that we reveal Hashem in this world through those actions. So far, so good. That was an easy one, right?

7:53 But right above the level of the world of action is another olam, another world, so to speak. It's another layer. This world is called the olam hayitzira. Yitzira means formation, the world of formation. In the world of formation, emotions are real. Now let's think about that for a second. If our world is the physical world of action, why would emotions be one step up? Because emotions are not physical, but emotions are not so far outside of the physical world either. I'll give you an example. When your heart starts to beat really fast and you're anxious, is your heart beating fast? Is that the emotion? What's the emotion? Can you point to anxious? But you can feel your heart beating. So are emotions physical? Not really, but they're not physical either. Because they have a very strong physical impact. So you know how right before a test some of you have maybe once felt this feeling that you've studied and you know you're going to do well but you feel that pit in your stomach that nervous tension as the teacher is about to give. Is that real?

9:17 It's not physical, but it's very real. It has a physical impact. The world of Yetzira, the Olam of Formation, is the world where emotions are real. So if somebody does a tremendous amount for you, but they feel nothing. Do you feel it when they feel nothing for you? For sure, you do. Why? Because when somebody is just doing a tremendous amount, but it comes very formally without any feeling, that relationship is called functional, but it's not intimate. So if my UPS guy shows up at my door and hands me a package, do I feel anything or should I feel anything for my UPS guy? Definitely not. But I hope that's not intimacy. If my UPS guy shows up at my door and my wife opens the door and he's down on one knee delivering a package from Amazon, we have a problem. That's what we're hoping.

10:41 I slipped into that position. I was doing lunges. The reason why people get so frustrated in an intimate relationship is because they say, "Wait a second. I don't want you just to do for me. I want to feel that you feel for me. Why are feelings real in this world, even if they're not physical? And they're really real because it's the level right above our world. It's a part of our world, but it's one notch above. So far, so good. Next level up is called the Olam Habayit." Because they're right above our physical world. It's not a physical thing, but it's real. It has real impact in our world. One notch above now. Olam Habriah, This is the world of creation. So far we have action, formation. Now the third one is creation. Olam Habriah, This is the world where thoughts become important. Are thoughts physical?

11:51 Can't I measure a brainwave though? But are my brainwaves my thoughts? Let me try this again because we're actually talking about thinking. So it might be important to have girls thinking. One more time, Are your thoughts welcome back? Are your thoughts physical? No. But can't I measure a brainwave? Yes. Are your thoughts your brainwaves? Your thoughts are not your brainwaves. Can I feel my brainwaves? I could feel my emotions though. So are thoughts physical? They're not physical either, because they have a physical implication called the brainwave. The brainwave is a much lower level of physical than my heart beating when I'm anxious. Does that make sense? So if you're going up the ladder, what do we start off with? First, we start off with the physical. If you don't do things, it's not real. What was the next level up? Feel. What's the next level above that? Think. I'll give you another one. Ready? Stay with me. In a relationship I do a tremendous amount for my wife. I feel deeply about my wife, but I know nothing about her.

13:16 Not me. I'm saying, if a person said this, what would you say about that relationship? Isn't it good enough that he loves her and that he does a tremendous amount for her? What's that love based on? He doesn't know her. He's giving. But that's the shmoos they're going to give you. They're going to say he's given so much. He feels so deeply. What's the problem? Why is not knowing her a problem? Let me clarify. It's obviously a problem. But I want you—here's the irony—to think, not just to feel. Because that was Olam Hayitzira. You all naturally, intuitively feel it's a problem. But I want you to be able to think about why it's a problem. Why is it a problem? Because it means that he's doing it for himself, not for her. Because if I don't know her, then I'm not in an intimate relationship with her.

14:09 Who am I in an intimate relationship with? It feels awesome for me to love someone else. It feels awesome for me to do for someone else. But how do you know that it's calibrated towards what that other person needs? What's the answer? You have to know her. So when your husband comes home with a bowling ball. That's the proverbial. That's your husband came home with a bowling ball with his name on it and he says happy birthday. He hasn't given you a present. He gave himself a present. Now you might think that's crazy. What happens when your husband comes home with things like I bought you a cookbook? It might be that buying your wife a cookbook is a gift of love. If you knew your wife wanted a cookbook, and she even mentioned to you and wanted a specific cookbook, and you went out and bought it, it might be an act of love. But if you know nothing about your wife and you buy her a cookbook, then what are you saying to her? I'm really hungry.

15:33 I'll give it to you on the flip side. How many wives are paying attention to what their husbands want? A lot. No. I don't think so. It's not an exaggeration. People say it's so hard to shop for you. Ask them. Because guys will tell you. That's the difference between guys and girls. That's right. But the way girls do it is like this: I don't know. But guys will tell you, buy me this. So ask them as a really good one. But when people say it's so hard to shop for you, not always, but often, you know what they mean? I don't want to get what you want. I don't either. I don't want to get what you want, or worse, I don't even know what you enjoy. For you, it's not true. And that's really wonderful that for you it's not true. I sit with a lot of people. It's much more true than you realize. There are a lot of people out there. By the way, it's not only always the woman's fault. Sometimes men are non-communicative and they're specifically not sharing what they enjoy. But there's a famous story, and I think it's a very powerful story. Reb Zusha, the Rebbe Reb Zusha from Anapoli, said I learned how to love from two drunk Russian peasants sitting in a bar.

17:03 One peasant turned to the other and he said, "Igor, you don't love me." And Sasha turned back to him and he said to him, "Yes, I do. You're my best friend. We know each other since we're kids. I love you." And in his drunken stupor, he said, "Igor, you don't love me." And he goes, "Yes, I do. I was with you through all the thick and thin of the last 40 years of our life. What are you talking about? Igor? If you love me, tell me what I need right now. And the Rebbe of Zusha heard that, and for him, he said, 'That's love means that I know you so well that I know what you need. If you don't think about the other person, you're in a relationship with yourself. If you don't know the silliest things about the people you love, then you don't know this person.'

18:00 I know, for example, it was my mother's 60th birthday. So we wanted to do something really special for her. So we went ahead and we took family portraits without her knowing. Baruch Hashem, my entire family lives here in Israel. We got together on a Friday afternoon and we took family portraits. And we got all the pictures on a disc on key for her, and we printed a massive canvas, like the size of this board, with all the pictures on them. We had a graphic designer make it, and now it's hanging above her computer. And I said when I spoke at the birthday party. I said, some people might think that getting pictures of yourself for somebody else's birthday is narcissistic. But we know that's what mom wants more than anything in the world because that's what mom cares about. That's mom's gift is us, and that's how loving and giving she is. So we all knew what to get for mom because that's who she is. But if I would have come to my mother with a gift certificate, a ten thousand shekel gift certificate to the mall, she would have been hurt. She wouldn't want our money. A 10,000 shekel gift certificate, and not to the mall. Doesn't matter what I want it to.

19:14 But the point is, if you don't know the person, your actions are going to be off, and your emotions are probably going to be off too. One notch above, we have the Olam HaAsiya, we have the Olam Hayitzira, we have the Olam Habriya. The last one is called the Olam HaAtzilos, which means the world of transcendence. Olam haatzilus. What does that mean? What does transcendence mean? Transcendence means that you're no longer limited to the thing you were before. For example, when somebody says he's the Michael Jordan of sales. You have a salesman in your office. He's the Michael Jordan of sales. What are they saying? Michael Jordan was a basketball player. Why are we saying Michael Jordan? Because Michael Jordan transcends sports now. And Michael Jordan means greatest of all time. The word is synonymous with greatest of all time. When you say this in yeshivas, everyone starts to go, "No, LeBron." I'm not interested in having the debate. It doesn't matter to me. The point is, when you say he's the Michael Jordan of, it transcends sports.

20:45 Even within sports itself, you could transcend sports. I'll give you an example. I went to a Knicks game many years ago when LeBron James was on the Heat. They went on a streak where they didn't lose. I think it was 27 or 28 games. Was the craziest streak, and everybody in the whole world was talking about it. And one of the games, in the streak, and it was late into the streak. It was already in the 20s. Was a game against the Knicks in Madison Square Garden. I was going back to America, and my brother, who was still living in America at the time, now he lives in Yerushalayim, got tickets to the game. Going to the game, sick game. LeBron, Wade, Bosh on one side, Carmelo Anthony, Other Lo Yitzchak Knicks on the other side. And it was a close game going to the very end. And the Knicks were down. I think it was like a minute left, and they were down four points. As a Knicks fan, you have to understand, I grew up bleeding blue, orange, and white. I was, MSG is like, even now, I would never go to the city if I wasn't going to Madison Square Garden. I have no reason to. And I've been to other stadiums, and it's nothing like MSG.

22:04 If you're born and bred on the Knicks, that's where it is, right? Jr. Smith, who's known to be this exceptionally athletic, but also exceptionally stupid basketball player, is bringing up the ball. He's dribbling the ball up court and he sees Carmelo Anthony, who's the Knicks' best player at the time, and he goes to pass the ball to Carmelo. LeBron James. Certainly, the greatest player of the generation, he sees this pass coming from a million miles away. Just like every other person in Madison Square Garden does, he starts moving in for the ball. Before we even knew it, everybody in the garden is on their feet. Everybody is on their feet. Before LeBron even intercepted the ball, he steals the ball. Runs up court. Less than four seconds later, he does one of those classic LeBron dunks. Knicks are down six now. Basically, the game is over. Knicks lose. Heat streak continues.

23:03 Are you from Miami? My whole family is. After. What? Anyone can rent the champion team for a while. So. Anyway As we were leaving I realized I stood up on my feet when the opposing team's best player stole the ball and dunked it. I started asking myself why I was standing And why was everybody in the room standing? The rooms, thousands of people, Madison Square Garden. Now I realized because even within sports there's a concept called transcendence. A lot of times, rabbis bash sports. Guys have a huge problem with this because they're like, 'What are you doing? You're making fun of the thing I enjoy.' And this is what it sounds like when rabbis make fun of basketball. Ready? If I told you that I'm going to take 10 people and put them on a defined area. And I'm going to hang toilet bowls ten feet up in the air, and then each side is going to have to try to throw rocks into the toilet bowls, and they're going to be wearing pajamas while they do it. Would you pay to see that?

24:33 That's the way Rebbeim make fun of sports. But you know what I said when I was a kid? Of course I would pay to see it, because I pay to see it when it's not toilets, when it's just rims with nets, and instead of rocks it's basketballs, and instead of pajamas it's jerseys. In fact, not only would I pay to see it, but seems like a lot of people would pay to see it. And not only would we pay to see it, but we'll actually have fantasy teams where we like get together to decide who's the best people at throwing rocks into toilets. And not only that, but it turns out that billions of dollars will be spent on this. And I'll be honest with you, I'm going to be so into these rock toilet throwing players that I'll probably wear their pajamas as a sign of support.

25:23 And my rebbeim would say to me, "Well, doesn't that seem stupid?" And I said, "Not at all." And they would say, "But it's a completely arbitrary activity." And I want you to know, my rebbeim were so wrong. They were so wrong because it's not an arbitrary activity. Nobody is playing basketball saying, 'I'm just putting a round object into a hole.' But honestly, you can make anything in the world sound stupid if you just describe it by its physical properties and not by its transcendent meaning. Anything in the world, I'll make it sound stupid. What are you doing? Putting liquid in a cup and then pouring it down your throat? Right. That's exactly what I'm doing, and I'll probably do it more. And they'll say, but what you schmack? What's the thing you get out of putting a ball in a hole? You don't understand. You're not putting a ball in a hole. That's not what you're doing. What you're doing is you're participating in something transcendent. So when are sports awesome? When there's competition. Sports are awesome when there's a winner and a loser. You transcended. You were victorious. By the way, why is it stupid when we make every kid get a trophy?

26:47 Because then the trophies don't mean anything. Because then you took away the meaning of the game. The meaning of the game is not the physical properties of it. If somebody says to you, I don't understand why do you like talking to her? Aren't you just saying words at each other? Aren't you just making noise and grunting in people's directions? Sure. If you don't want to use the word communication, you could make anything sound stupid. You understand what I'm saying? Does this make sense? So why is transcendence meaningful in our world? Because there's a world called Atzilus. But all of those words that we just used—action, emotion, thought and transcendence. There's a fifth one that I haven't told you about. I'm going to ask you to hold off on that for one second. Atzilus is transcendence. Transcendence is the thing above it. I'm not playing ball to put a ball in a hole. I'm playing ball for the competition. Understand?

28:03 I want you to think about davening for a second. This is really what davening is about. Anyone ever noticed that there are four stages to davening? The first is brachos and karbanos, which are all focused on actions. The second stage is psukhe to zimra, which is all to hilim, which is focused on emotions. The third stage is kriyashma, and it's brachos. What's the halacha if you don't have kavvana during kriyashma? You're not yotzei. Why not? Because it's connected to the world of thought. Kriyashma is all about thinking. That's why it starts with the word Shema, which doesn't mean to hear; it means to listen. To consider, to be thoughtful. And Shmona Esrei is transcendence. That's why in Shmona Esrei we don't act like human beings; we act like Malachim, keeping our feet together. We whisper; we don't speak out loud because to speak out loud would be to do something. To whisper is when you're standing right next to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. So all of these four worlds that I just described. We are supposed to be walking these worlds every single day, every single morning when you get up.

29:14 Let me just start that again. Every morning when you get up, you have to get up. In order to do this, you have to get up. Some people seem to be missing it. You realize you have to get up in the morning. Everyone's just gonna be getting up. Say that. It's just hard because it's so cold on the floor. And my bed is so comfortable. And I'll be like a slug. I'm gonna come in pajamas to whatever class is next because I just understand what I'm saying. Every morning during davening, imagine the consciousness that you would have if you did this. If you said, "I'm going to calibrate my actions, my emotions, my thoughts, and the transcendent meaning of my life are going to be calibrated every single morning," imagine what your day would look like. So when people say, "I don't really get davening," sure, I also wouldn't get it if I just said the words of the sitter. Saying the words of the sitter has nothing to do with davening. The words of the sitter are like marriage therapy.

30:35 Sometimes we have to learn the words to say to each other. But you're not just reading off of a card. If somebody said, 'Here's the script, just read it,' No, here's the script, go act it. You understand? So every single morning in Judaism, we walk these four steps because that's how Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world. First there was Him. Then there was the Olam HaAtzilus. That was the next level down. And there was the world of thoughts, emotions, and finally the world of actions. But there's a fifth level. By the way, those four worlds are connected to yud and then a hey, Vav and then a hey. The bottom hey is Asiya. The vav is Yitzira. The hey of thoughts of Bria, and then there's the yud of transcendence. But there's something called the kutsos yud, which is the top of the yud. What is that?

31:40 That is, I'm going to use a word now. It's called pshitos. Total simplicity. You see, when we look at things, things have parts. Everything that I just described to you has parts to it. Like a person in this world, there's me, and then there's the action. There's parts. There's me, the emotion, the people I'm being emotional with, the people that I'm thinking about, even the things that we're transcending together. Pshitos means God Himself, Simplicity, No parts, Just no doing, No feeling, No thinking, nothing that I need to transcend, Just being. You understand? This is the ultimate. The ultimate is God's being. God is if He doesn't ever think, feel, act, or even transcend. God just is. Is that the answer to the question? This is the fifth level. Because you asked a question: Why is transcendence meaningful in our world? Transcendence is meaningful in our world because there's a world where God said transcendence is meaningful. But when we transcend, what's what now? The answer is there's a concept called just being. We're terrible at this concept.

32:54 People ask me what we are going to do in Olam Habah. That's because we live in the world of action and we're so used to doing. But the truth of the matter is, isn't there something amazing about not doing? And people get very restless, even as they like. But what will I do? What will I do? It's the hyperactive generation. Being means I don't do anything. I don't feel anything. I don't even think anything. I don't need to transcend myself because all there is you. So this is what the Alter Rebbe meant when he said, Hashem, I don't, not interested in your olam hazeh. I'm not interested in your olam haba. All I'm interested in is you. That's the highest level, pshitos. That's the kutsos shaluyot. That's what we're trying to achieve, to just be. Now you can't just be with someone, because you have to do all the things. Because we live in this world, olam hazeh. You've got to do, you've got to feel, you've got to think, you've got to transcend your own self to be in a relationship. Let me ask you to hold off, if it's okay, just because I have five minutes left, and I need to finish.

33:54 You mind? Thank you. Five. Sorry. I have a theory. It's not my theory, but it's a theory that needs to be said. Every girl here needs to really understand this: the word religion means relationship. Religion is a Latin word; it comes from the word 'religare,' which means connection, relationship. People get so frustrated in Judaism because they know a lot about doing what Judaism says, and they have no idea how to be. So girls come all the time, and they go like, 'I just don't like davening. I just don't like saying the words.' I agree. I also wouldn't want to just say the words because that would be together only olam hasia, and you feel like something is incomplete. Or the girls that say, 'I really like mitzvot. I really like doing the mitzvot. I even feel deeply about them, but I feel like I know nothing about God.'

35:11 Of course, because you're missing the olam habriyah. Or people that come and they say, "I've learned a lot about Hashem." I feel deeply about it. I even do a lot, but somehow I'm still like I can't transcend myself. I'm still stuck in that narcissism. Judaism is not a religion in the classic sense. It's a relationship. What mirrors religion is marriage. Marriage is the creation of intimacy with another. That's what marriage is. Marriage doesn't mean a social contract where we agree that we're not going to spend time with others. That's not what marriage is. And that's why the world today is so stuck because they have no idea what marriage is. And because they have no idea what marriage is, they don't even know who marriage should be for. Why can't I marry my chandelier? Do you know that somebody brought a lawsuit a couple of years ago? They love their chandelier. They want to legally get married to their chandelier.

36:19 Marriage is a religious construct. It is about the creation of oneness from a place of opposites. I'm on one side of the table. She's on the other. That's a great opportunity for marriage. That's an opportunity to take two opposite things and fuse them together. How do you do that? You need all five dimensions: Kol Sason, Kol Simcha, Kol Chasson, Kol Kala, Kol Mitzvahs. Kol Mitzvahs kadoshanim yichupasam. What does that mean? It's those five kolos. The five levels of creation are what it takes to create a marriage. It's no wonder that marriages are failing all over the place. People don't know how to be married. They don't know how to do. They say it's enough that I feel for you. They don't know how to feel. It's enough that I do for you. I feel and I do, but I know nothing about you. I don't know how to be with another. I don't know how to be b'pshitos. Everything is chaotic and complex. You understand?

37:27 So when the Gemara says there were five kolos by Har Sinai, of course there were five kolos by Har Sinai. The Gemara was saying something very deep. What was Har Sinai? Har Sinai was the fusion of two opposite things, spiritual and physical. That's what the Torah is. It's a spiritual book in a physical form. It gives us the ability to take elyonim, the highest spiritual levels, and bring them down into tachtonim, into our physical world. And by the same token, that elevates the physical world to a spiritual place. It was a marriage. Girls, why was Har Sinai held above our heads? What do Chazal say? Because it was a chuppah. It was a chuppah. That's what it was. It was a marriage. The problem is that people weren't paying attention. They think that Judaism is a religion. I got to check the boxes. That would be a regular religion. Check the boxes. Did you do good things today? That would be like a social justice warrior. Judaism is very into social justice. It's not. Judaism is into relationships. Social justice might be a part of that, but we're into something much deeper.

38:34 So where am I going to become an acquirer of Torah if I'm sitting in a bais medrash Or if I go to a wedding and I'm mesameach the chasen and kallah? I will learn more information in the bais medrash. I will not be an acquirer of Torah. Now that doesn't mean you have to go to every wedding. But if you are not learning Torah at that time, or you are learning Torah at that time, but it's a mitzvah she'eif shalas la'yadayachirim. The right thing is for you to go to that wedding. And you go to the wedding and you stand off on the side, and you're not part of it. Then you've lost something very important. Then you'll see this. Go to weddings, three circles. The innermost friends, then there's the good friends, and then there's the friends of the parents. Who eventually break off and make their own really sad.

39:35 Really slow circle. Because I'm at a wedding. I'm not here to do aerobic exercise. When I'm dancing in the middle of a chassan, I'm like this is the most exercise I've gotten all year. There's something exceptionally beautiful about being a person who goes to the wedding and doesn't celebrate. Just the kala, or just the chasson. Who doesn't go to the wedding so that she can be seen for shidduchim? That's also not a reason to go to a wedding. There's something beautiful about going to a wedding because we celebrate marriage. We want to be committed to a person. First, you have to be committed to intimacy. A lot of people want to have another person in their life but they're not committed. To those five levels that it takes to create true intimacy—five kolos, five levels. What's the goal? Creation of a relationship with that kolos macho.