Parshas Vayigash - You Are Enough

3:00 Does not feel like they are enough. What does this look like? In a relationship A person who has enough and is enough is flexible. Is forgiving. When somebody does something that they don't like, they don't need to make an issue of it because they're not under attack. And it's amazing because we all have narratives around the way that people show up to the relationships in our lives. And our narratives say much more about us than they do about the other person. And so very often these narratives involve marshaling evidence. You ever see this before? Somebody comes, I'll make something up. Somebody comes into Toma Devora. I'm sure it's not you or your roommate. But let's say somebody comes into Toma Devora. And she wants the temperature to be a certain temperature. That was fascinating. Thank you for those who just shared with me with your eyes. I appreciate you letting me know who you are.

4:13 And so, a person with an impoverished mentality says something like this: She's selfish. And then she'll have a conversation with a roommate about the other roommate, how selfish she is. And if you have two impoverished roommates And each one sees this as an opportunity to step on the other person and call themselves tall. Sorry, a couple of people here I just hurt. I want you to know I see you and I apologize. Then they have hours and hours of conversation, and they could write a doctoral thesis on all of the different ways that this person has exhibited their selfishness. And they come to a mechanecha And they sit down with the mechanecha and say, "We have a problem." Our roommate is selfish. And they'll tell you all of the different ways that she's selfish. When in reality, it's quite possible that the roommate wasn't selfish at all.

5:21 It's quite possible the roommate wasn't sensitive. But if you asked that roommate What's it been like to be a roommate in that room? She might use words that are very profound and very powerful, and say frankly a lot more about her roommates than about her. She might say it's been a very lonely experience. She might say, "I feel deeply estranged from my roommates. I was really hoping that I'd be close with them." I feel like somehow I can't break in. Of course, the roommates will say Of course not, because you're selfish. But is she actually selfish? I don't know. She did something. What that something is open to interpretation. And it's fascinating that sometimes, let's say a larger room, let's say you have four people in a room, five people in a room Two of the roommates have the narrative of selfishness, and they have their argument all lined up. They could tell you they have a journal of every single time this girl acts selfish.

6:25 Two of the other roommates are sitting there. I don't know. It's fine. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't get to me. If you really want to see it play out, what happens? The girls who have the selfish narrative go, "How could you not see it?" And it bothers them that the other person has this level of flexibility. When in reality, what's going on is rather than confront the situation It's easy to just have a narrative and feel self-righteous. Isn't there something delicious about self righteousness? How did Hashem not make a bracha on self righteousness? The whole world today loves self righteousness. Don't go on social media, but if you go on social media, all you see is the social justice warriors of the world on both sides. Just how right they are, how incredibly right they are. We've made a society of people that love to go Look at those people.

7:19 Each side thinks the other is evil. Every side is self-righteous. Where does it come from? It comes from an impoverished mentality that we're not enough for ourselves. So we don't have the capacity to go over. Let's say that girl who wanted the temperature to be a little bit lower, so she changed the temperature without asking. To walk over and confront the situation in a healthy and positive fashion. I notice you changed the temperature. I guess for me sometimes I like it a little bit warm, a little bit colder, whatever the situation that we're talking about. I just wanted to know, was there a reason you didn't ask the rest of the room? You might be shocked to hear that she went. It didn't even occur to me. I'm so sorry. It's amazing how a person could develop an entire narrative around another person. Where if they would just confront the situation, like the pasuk says, lotisnas ha'chicha b'avecha Don't hate your brother in your heart.

8:13 Have it out sometimes. Talk about it. Put it out there. But if you put it out there, what might happen? She might turn to you and say some things you don't like. And it's very hard for us to stand with a posture of openness and accept criticism. Why do we have an impoverished mentality? Because we don't feel like we're capable. We don't feel like if we allow that thing to come in deeply to us, we feel like we're going to fall apart. So we hold it at bay. I don't want to hear your criticisms. I don't want to hear what you actually think about me. I just want to live in my head where you think only amazing things about me, and everybody loves me, and I get to be the hero in my own story all of the time, and I don't ever really have to take responsibility. Because if Chassvah Shalom somebody were to tell me that they don't like the way that I'm showing up to a relationship, I would crumble. Now you might not say those words out loud, but that feeling might be deeply embedded inside of us.

9:07 Of course, it's always the opposite. When we see somebody who has an abundance mentality, are we not exceptionally jealous? That girl that has the capacity to say no and yes with integrity To be able to say not to have to explain herself, but to just be able to go I'm sorry, it doesn't work for me, and to be okay with the fact that not everyone's going to be happy with her no. Are we not a little bit jealous of that? Are we not a little bit jealous of the girl that shows up to a relationship and says? I'd like to talk with you about our relationship. I'd like to talk with you about what's going on. I'd like to really hear what you have to say about me, also. And I want to invite that into this. I'm not coming just to share with you my experience of you, but I'm also inviting you to share your experience of me. Do we not look at that girl and say, "I wish I could do that"? Of course we do. Why?

10:01 Because she doesn't just have the gift of courage. She has something much more profound. She knows she has enough in the tank. I want to share with you what this looks like from a relationship perspective here in Toma Devora. I want to share with you what it looks like as a parent. As a parent, if you feel you have enough in the tank You have the capacity to parent your child in an egoless fashion. I'll explain to you what I mean. Nobody likes to be the bad guy. No parent likes to be the bad guy. With rare exceptions, most people don't like to be the bad guy. Teenagers have the capacity to say terrible things to parents. Just looking around because I need to understand the room for a second. You're with me. You know that teenage girl, the 16 year old girl that tells her mother that she hates her?

11:03 She doesn't. She doesn't hate her. She's upset and frustrated. She's hurt. Maybe she's lonely. There's a lot that could be going on. But just because a mother said that you have a curfew and that it's your responsibility to abide by that curfew Doesn't mean that you hate your mother. But it is much easier for a mother to look the other way than to create healthy and appropriate boundaries. It's much easier. Why? Because if I just look the other way, then I get to be the cool mom. Then I get to be the mom that says. All the kids want to be her kids because she's the permissive parent. She's the one that gets it. She's the one that gets us. Much easier to be that parent. It's much harder to sit your child down Calmly Coolly, collected, and to sit down and go. We have boundaries in our family, and there is a curfew. We expect you to be home at this time.

12:04 And the consequence of not coming home at this time is that you violated a trust, and so here's the disciplinary action. That kid is going to walk upstairs. They are not going to be happy with you. But do you have enough in the tank to believe that your relationship is strong enough to withstand this? Do you have enough in the tank as a parent to be able to say, "I'm okay." I'm enough for myself. I'm firmly planted in my own soil. I'm not going to be knocked over by the tidal wave of anger that might come from my teenage daughter. I'm going to hear it and it's going to hurt. I'm not going to ignore the pain. But I'm also not so little in myself that pain is going to just wipe me out. It might be something that I discuss with my husband. It might be something that I discuss with my friend. It might even be something that I cry about.

12:56 But it doesn't mean that I'm going to abdicate my responsibility as a parent and not create healthy and appropriate boundaries just because of the way that 16-year-old might show up. And even if that 16-year-old child Because a 16-year-old is still a child. Even if that 16-year-old child won't come back to me, until she shana aleph and tomer devora and call me up and say, "I want you to know that it really frustrated me when you gave those rules to our family when you created those boundaries." But I also want you to know that looking back on it, I do appreciate it. There was a young man in yeshiva. Who was suffering Mamish suffering And he was behaving in a way that acted out his suffering. And he was Unfortunately, he was abusing substances as a result of his suffering. And I had no choice as the Menahel of the yeshiva; it was my responsibility to call him in.

13:56 And I'm no fool. I know what happens after you call the boys in. Nobody goes back to the dorms and says. I really appreciate that Rishberg discipline thing. Nobody says that. I don't imagine you have it here in Talmud Bavli either. And I knew that calling the boy in would be upsetting and it was a hard conversation. And I said to him, "I'll be honest with you." The way that you've been behaving lets me know that you're suffering. And it lets me know that you might have more of a problem than you think you have. He was not okay to hear that. Who are you to tell me what problem I have? I said, "I'm nobody." I'm just sharing with you as somebody that cares about you. That's what you've done, right? It's indicative that perhaps there's a larger problem. He was very unhappy And he went back to his rebbe to complain about me And he told his rebbe.

14:46 And Baruch Hashem, he had a strong rebbe who had an abundance mentality. And the rebbe said, "I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I agree with Ruperg." And he said, "Really?" " He said, "Yeah. And they had a long conversation, and then we all met together. And he got help. He went to therapy, and as part of his therapy He went to a twelve-step meeting. He went to an AA meeting. And he started going pretty regularly. And he started, Baruch Hashem, getting real help—help that he needed. And at the end of the year, he gave me a gift, and it's still sitting in my office today. And it's one of the greatest gifts that I've ever gotten from a talmid. He gave me his sobriety medallion. They give you a medallion based on how many weeks you've been sober. He gave me his first medallion.

15:33 And he said to me, "This is yours. If you hadn't called me into the office, if you hadn't given me a hard time, I never would have been here today." Now I'll be honest with you. After my meeting with him, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to tell you that I walked out of there and I was fine. I wasn't. Nobody likes to be the bad guy. Nobody likes to be the one that has to set the boundary. But we have responsibilities to the people that we love. And as parents. We have responsibilities sometimes to say no. And today, something very dangerous is happening in the world. There's this hashkafa that somehow crept into Yiddishkeit. Just love them. What does that mean? Just love them. What precisely do you mean when you say the word love? Because if what you mean is just tell them they're awesome, just be totally permissive Don't give any feedback, don't set any boundaries. Then I'm sorry, you and I do not have the same definition of love.

16:29 To love someone means to say I'm invested in you. I see all of your really positive qualities. I've made time to let you know that this relationship is important to me, not just quality time, but quantity time. And because I've made that investment, and because I'm enough for myself. I want to let you know that this is beneath your dignity. This behavior is not okay. That's a responsibility that we have as parents. We have to learn to create a double bubble. A double bubble means that some things come in through the first bubble, but then they sit there. And we don't have to allow them to penetrate to the core of our being. And just because a 16-year-old child says something really hurtful Doesn't mean that you get to roll over. Adraba. Sometimes, if the 16-year-old child says something hurtful to you, at least she felt safe enough to say it to you.

17:19 At least she felt safe enough to express to you. How much she's hurt, because I want to tell you what's worse. It's much worse if she goes upstairs and she says nothing to you, because she doesn't even feel comfortable enough to let you know how she's feeling. And so, having an abundance mentality in that case means I'm enough for myself. I'm not defined as a parent by if my children are obedient or not. And therefore, I can say to them, "These are the boundaries of our family." Let's take it a step further. I want to give you another example. I'm hammering this home because this is the challenge of living in a boundaryless world. We live in a global society. We shrunk the entire world, and there are many advantages that come with shrinking the world. But there are also many disadvantages when we take away all the boundaries in the world. Today, there are very few boundaries left.

18:13 What used to be normative in society, nobody even knows what's normal in society anymore. We don't know who's who and what's what anymore. Countries even are like, why should you have borders? What do you mean? This is our country. There's a notion of who we are. There's a definition to someone. I'm a Jew. I have. I'm a person. We're losing all sense of boundaries. I predict that in the coming years, the next question that we're going to be facing is, what is a person? What's going to be the difference between you and an AI bot? For example, they have this thing ChatGPT now. Have you seen this? It's incredible. There's an AI. There's an artificial intelligence. It's called ChatGPT. You can ask it to do anything for you, and it will do it for you in a second. You can ask it to write sophisticated computer codes for you, and it will do it in a second. You want to ask it to write your 10-page paper for college? It will do it in a second, and you can ask it over and over again.

19:13 Until it gets it exactly how you want it to be. Companies now are not even writing; they're not even writing blog posts anymore. They're just putting the question into ChatGPT, and ChatGPT is putting out a blog post, and then people are just editing a little bit. But nobody's actually writing it anymore. And the question will be: What is the difference between you and an AI bot that could do everything that you can do? Maybe it'll even tell you it feels. How do you know that it doesn't? We're even losing sense of what is a person. That's going to be the next thing. Gender, marriage, countries, even money, crypto versus actual cash—we've taken away all boundaries. I see it in relationships the most. It started in the '60s. What does it mean to be married? What does it mean to have an open relationship? You can draw a straight line from the boundaries that were taken away in the '60s and you can draw it all the way to today to see exactly what the ramifications are.

20:11 Let's talk about marriage for a second. Everybody here deserves to be in a healthy and enduring relationship. I'm not even going to make a joke on this one. You did very good. And part of being in a healthy and enduring relationship means that you are not defined by your spouse. You are you. And he is he. And you create a marriage in the space in between And so two people who have an abundance mentality, two people who say I'm enough for myself. Can create an abundance space. They're not pulling from each other. They don't need each other in order to survive. They have so much they want to share. And so that space in between, which is where the marriage lives, right in that three ring circus. Think about the Olympic rings. In that three ringed circus, that middle ring is where the marriage occurs.

21:17 But you are you, and he is him. And if he is behaving inappropriately and you don't say anything because you don't feel like you're enough Then you've participated in creating a relationship that is unhealthy and cannot be enduring. You have a responsibility to yourself. That before you get married, you're working on yourself to know that you know how to say no with integrity. That if your husband shows up in a way that's inappropriate, you can say, "I don't feel comfortable with the way that you're showing up right now." As opposed to cowering in a corner It also means being flexible enough to let things go. That not everything needs to be a fight. People who have an impoverished mentality, when their husband does something, instead of taking it personally, they might be able to go. It's okay. It's not a big deal. This isn't worth making a big deal over. This isn't worth fighting over.

22:14 This space to me is really important. That was like a nothing And knowing the difference is really important. Being able to distinguish between fact and narrative. Your husband came home. He did something. What was the fact? And what was the narrative I created around that fact? He did something. The narrative could just as easily be, "I didn't really like what happened. He came home. He just went straight to the couch. He was exhausted. I felt like he didn't really give me the time of day. But honestly, I know he's probably tired. I can talk to him about it a different time. Right now, I just want to spend some time with him." That's going to be a very different relationship than the girl that's terrified that she needs that attention constantly because she's not enough for herself, and she sits down with her husband and says, 'when you walk in the door.'

23:04 I expect you to be able to spend time with me right away because we haven't even seen each other all day. I guarantee you that the conversation is not going to go well. It's also boundaryless. It's also coming from that impoverished mentality. If you're enough for yourself, you know how to let things go, and you also know when it's time to stand up. I want to avoid a question that I know somebody here is thinking. How do I tell the difference? How do I know when it's time for me to say no, and how do I know when it's time for me to let things go? Here's the catch: if you're a person with an abundance mentality, intuitively you'll know Because you don't take everything so personally. You'll be able to know because you know your own boundaries very well. You'll be able to know when it was a boundary violation, when it wasn't.

23:50 You'll be able to tell. You'll be able to go, "Whoa, that was way out of line." And you also know how to say it appropriately, because you won't need to ram it down somebody else's throat. You can just show up with integrity and go, "I just want you to know that was not okay." For me, it really meant a lot the way that you behaved. And I just want to let you know that doesn't feel safe or comfortable for me. If you're married to somebody with an abundance mentality, they can own it. They can go,"You're right. That wasn't my best self. I apologize. I'm going to really try to do better. I appreciate that you let me know. A person with an impoverished mentality might become defensive. They might turn it back on them. Oh yeah, well I did this. Well you did that. Oh yeah, well I did this. Well you did that. Well you never liked my mother. And all of a sudden it's like that fight is somewhere. Like where in the world did that come from?

24:43 Where does it come from? Because it's two impoverished people leading boundaryless lives, trying to push each other down so they could stand on the top of the other person and call themselves tall. I want you to take a step back for a moment and think about what Yehuda was about to do. Yehuda takes responsibility for Benjamin. He goes to his father and he says, "We came to Mitzrayim. We came for food." They took Shimon. They're holding Shimon in jail. They want Benjamin to come down to Mitzrayim. Yaakov Avinu was obviously reticent. He says "That's my son." That's the one I have left from Rachel. The other brothers say, "Don't worry, we'll give you everything." I'm not interested. Yehuda convinces Yaakov to let go of Benjamin, and now this terrible, tragic story. And Benjamin is found with the goblet in his knapsack. And now he's in jail.

25:42 And Yehuda has a mission. I must return this child to my father. What do you say? To somebody who's acting maniacally What do you say to somebody who seems to be all over the place? They have meals with him. They are coming. They are going. People are in jail. They just want food. Why is this happening? The brothers we know. What are the brothers saying? The brothers are going. Are we being punished? From Shamayim? Is this all happening because we sold Yosef? But Yehuda takes a psychologically savvy approach. What does Yehuda do? He shows up to Yosef HaTzaddik and he says, "Not relax, not chill out. That's not what he's saying. That's only going to make him much more angry." " He says like this "Yosef, I have some things. He doesn't know his name is Yosef, but Yosef, I have some things to tell you.

26:35 And there are going to be some things here that you don't want to hear. And there are some impassioned pleas that I'm going to be making. But you can hear them because you are enough. Look at the words he says. Don't get upset at your servant. Why? What's Yehuda's theory? Yehuda's theory is that the reason Yosef is acting maniacally is because he's only the second in command. When you're in charge, it gives you a power. You ever see that? You ever see in camp when you have a camp counselor And that goes to the counselor's head fast. Do you ever see that? All of a sudden, in the summer, she's walking around and ordering kids around and bossing kids around. It's like the tiniest amount of power that could go to somebody's head, but it actually does happen. It's because sometimes when you feel like you don't have enough, you have to try to assert your power.

27:35 So Yehuda's theory was, I know why this guy is acting so crazy because he's only the viceroy of Mitzrayim. If he were Paro, he would feel like he has enough in the tank. If he were in charge, he would feel like, I'm the man. Get some food, relax. Why is he playing all these games with us? It's because he feels like I'm not enough. So Yehuda acts like a friend. Acts like a parent And Yehuda's letting Yosef know, I want you to know the way I see you is that you are enough. You are like Paro. You don't need to behave this way because you have so much inside of you. The gift that we can give each other, and again, it has to be a gift that we receive, but the gift that we can and should be giving each other is the gift of letting people know in our lives that they are enough.

28:29 I'll bet you right now that if I ask you to give me three people Keep it in your pocket. Who are the three people in your life that told you you're enough? Who are the three people in your life that held you accountable because they actually believed in you? The people that gave you not only quality time but quantity time. The people that sacrificed for you. The people that said, even if they didn't say it with these words But they let you know in all of the different ways of relating to you, you're awesome. I bet you right away you could find those people. By the way, if you can't I imagine you're in a tremendous amount of pain. Because those people that give us those gifts That you are like Paro, you're awesome. You're the leader. You're in charge. You have everything. You have everything you need in order to be successful.

29:20 That's the gift that we need to be giving others. The Mishnah says that we need to run away from Kavod. And if we run away from Kavod, Kavod will chase us. But if we chase after Kavod, Kavod will run away from us. And there's an amazing thing that we're supposed to do as a nation. This is what it's supposed to look like. Stay with me. This is what it's supposed to look like. Everybody is supposed to be chasing everybody, giving them cover, and everybody is supposed to be running away from the cover that people are offering them. Because if we do that, we would actually get what we need. If you see a girl And instead of just judging her, you would go over to her and say, "I just want you to know, I think you're amazing." You have so much to contribute, and everyone does. That's not something to say. Everyone actually has an amazing amount to contribute.

30:09 The tragedy of our times is that people actually don't believe that. We force people into these boxes because we're like, you need to do this rather than be your awesome self. If you're not this type of physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, aqua therapist, horse therapist, art therapist, play therapist, talk therapist, if you don't fit into the therapy box, then what kind of good base Yaakov girl are you going to be? Educator, therapist. Whatever words you want to put next to it. It's a tragedy. What happened to the creativity? What happened to the unique contribution? What's the message that we send people when we tell them, "Don't be your awesome self. Just fit into the box that we made for you." Nobody likes to live in boxes. Boxes are for coffins. That's a place where people go to die. Don't fit into a box. Be yourself.

31:02 Be real And if you do that, it will be because somebody told you have everything you need. Don't be afraid. See where this can take you, this amazing journey of life. See where it can take you. I would strongly encourage you to reach out to the people that you have in mind right now. The people that loved you into being, the people that told you you're enough The people that shared with you that gift of an abundance mentality. Call them and thank them. Just call them and let them know. I want you to know the gift you gave me. I'll never be able to repay you for it. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Nobody's going to look at your vulnerability and laugh at you. Hadarava. People who are vulnerable are people who have courage. People who have courage have enough in the tank. They can put themselves out there and say it's okay.

31:48 It's the person that propped you up when you go on your first date and you're sitting there and you're like, "Will I be accepted? Won't I be accepted?" You're not asking yourself that question from like this existential crisis of if this boy doesn't say yes to a second date, then all of a sudden I'm a zero. Or if I'm Chassvah Shalom, 22, right now I'm like I'm 90 years old and single. We created this sick, distorted world if we said this is what it has to look like. Everybody has to be on the same plan. You don't. You're enough. You're enough if you're 30, and it's not working out for you in the same way that it's working out for others. That's okay. You're okay. You're not defined by these. These things that people put on you—that the way it has to be—it's a judgmental outlook. It limits people. Don't fall for that trap. Allow yourself to be awesome in every single way possible. Because you are the leader of your life. Nobody could take that away from you. Girls, have a wonderful Shabbos.