Parshas Vayigash - The Truth Shall Change Set You Free

2:57 What's this concept of approach? Everyone knows that Chazal say that this was the greatest musr. And Kavachomer us. When it came to Yosef and his brothers, he said, Ani Yosef ha'od avichai, the truth hit them. Boom. Huge musr. Us, after 120 in Shamayim, when we come up to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and we face the truth, Kavachomer the musr it's going to be. What's the great musr here? What's the great musr? It's a very important question. It's a question that everybody in modern psychology is asking today. Everybody in the world is asking it today. Every one of you is asking this, hopefully, as many minutes as you're here. It's perhaps, arguably, one of the most important questions you can ask. It's a simple question. How do I create change? That's the question. Every person who steps into a therapist's office is really saying what? There's something in my life that's not working for me.

4:00 There's some suffering that I have that I can't seem to get away from. I need to create change. What's the goal of the psychology? To lower the emotions, to give back choice, so that a person could make effective changes in their life. A person doesn't go to a therapist, they go to a life coach. A person doesn't go to a life coach, they go to a teacher. A person doesn't go to a teacher, they go to a rabbi. You don't go to a rabbi, you go to a rabbi. Every single question, at its core, is, I want to make a change, but I don't know how. As I was leaving yeshiva, a young man says to me, Rabbi, can I walk you to your car? I said, I'll tell you what, don't walk me to my car, you'll have my car ride. For the next 16 minutes from Mevaseret until I get to Yer Shalayim, I have 16 minutes, you have 16 minutes. Get on the phone. Rebbe, this is the problem that I'm having. I would like to wake up for Shachris, but the problem is, they wake me up. My friends wake me up, the Madrichim wake me up, I have an alarm. I'm not conscious of any of it until an hour and a half later.

5:00 An hour and a half later, when I do wake up, I turn to my roommates and I say to them, how come you didn't wake me up? How come you didn't wake me up? What did his roommates say? We were beating you over the head with a stick. I'll tell you a true story. It's not a nice story, but it's a true story. There was a young man in Yeshiva. He could not wake up for the life of him. His mother told me, Rav Berg, I give you permission to do whatever you need to do to wake my son up. I said, I'm not going to say her name, Mrs. Plony. That is a bad idea. She said, Rufberg, he needs to learn how to wake up. I'm asking you. Do whatever you need to do. I said, are you sure? She said, I'm sure. So I engaged in what could only be described, and I mean this jokingly, physical acts of abuse. Every morning I would come in. Sometimes I'd come in with a bottle of Sprite. He'd be sleeping. I'd try to wake him up. David, wake up. Wake up. Nothing. I took his Sprite. I filled up his ear with Sprite. Why not water? Because I had Sprite. And then it went down.

6:03 So I filled it up again. And then it went down. So I filled it up again. I was videoing this and sending it to his mother on WhatsApp. And she was sending me back the strong arm emoji. Finally, I stopped doing that because I realized I'm probably damaging his hearing. So one morning I went to the Charocha. How am I going to wake up David today? I took peanut butter. I went into his room, and I started slathering him with peanut butter all over his body. Finally, he wakes up, and he's covered in peanut butter. This is his response. He goes like this. Delicious. So I said to him, at least make a bracha. He didn't even wash negelwasser. At least make a bracha. Finally, I figured out how to wake him up. The stairs in our dorms are metal. And in the freezing cold winter of Yer Shalayim, those stairs are so cold. And you know, boys don't always sleep so dressed. So me and the Av Bayit, we would take him outside. I would take him by his legs. He would take him by his arms.

7:07 We would walk him down the hall. He'd be sleeping the entire time. And we'd put him on the cold metal steps. And you would see him go into a fetal position. Still sleeping. He would like... Until finally, he would somehow... And he wakes up, he's like, why again? I'm like, welcome back. I was worried, I'm concerned for your health. Unbelievable thing. It's a true story. Unbelievable thing. He's a doctor today. He's a married man. He's a doctor today. I asked his mother, because I was in touch with her years later. She was so proud to tell me he had gotten into medical school. I said, tell me, how did he get into medical school? What's he going to do? How's he going to wake up in the morning? She said, it's a miracle. He wakes up in the morning. I said, it's unbelievable, no? In yeshiva, I was literally schlepping him out to the stairs. Somehow from medical school, he can wake up. Same story. Again, a little bit different. I didn't physically abuse this boy, because I didn't have permission. I'm just joking. It's not abuse. I'm on tape. Yeah, it's not abuse.

8:07 I'm still kind of... Ravbergabuse.blogspot.com Anyway, so what's the pshat? This young man could not wake up in the morning. He went to Yeshiva University. He played baseball for Yeshiva University. He was a great baseball player. You know what time practice is for the YU baseball team? 5.30 in the morning. And he never missed a practice. Somehow. It's a miracle. I don't know what it was. When it came to shachar, somehow unmovable. When it came to baseball, somehow he was able to... We're all asking the question, how do we affect change? This is a young man. He says, Rebbe, I don't even remember waking up. So I said to him, is your problem physical or psychological? Psychological. If it's physical, go to a doctor. I went to a doctor. The doctor gave me a pill.

8:39 Say to the doctor, gave you a pill. So that's how you affect change. Go back to the doctor. It's not working. Get another pill. But, Rebbe, I said to him, is it purely physical or maybe, perhaps, is it psychological? Somehow, we don't sleep through flights. Somehow we don't sleep through flights. Why don't we sleep through flights? We could sleep through anything, but we don't sleep through when we have a flight. Why? We don't know how to affect change in ourselves. I know the urgency when I have a flight. I can wake up in the morning, but somehow I don't have that urgency. I want to have that urgency. I want to wake up in the morning, make it to class on time, make it to davening on time. I want to have an inspired davening. I want to be awake, but I don't know how to affect change. There's not one answer to this question, but I'm going to give you one answer tonight, and I think it's an important answer. Change comes with reality awareness. That's it. Once you have a reality awareness, you can't unsee it, now change occurs. I'm going to tell you a very silly, small story,

9:43 but it's an important story to me. Change comes with reality awareness. Once you're aware of the reality, you can't unsee it, then you automatically change your behavior. I'm a little boy in this story. I'm maybe four years old, five years old. And as a little boy, you take baths. But I had a friend who used to come over every day after school. My mother would babysit. His was, he had a, he came from a divorced home. His mom was a single mom. She was working. After school, he would come to my house and we would play together every afternoon. His mother would come to pick him up. And one time he told me, I don't take baths. I take showers. I was maybe four or five years old. And it occurred to me that big boys, I remember this even now. I'm almost 40 years old. I remember this even now. It occurred to me that big boys take showers and little boys take baths. That day, his mother came to pick him up. I remember this. I remember the house that we lived in. His mother came to pick him up. And she said, okay, it's time to, it's time to come home. And my mother said, okay, it's time for you to take a bath.

10:48 And I looked up at her and I said, I don't take baths. I take showers. And my mother's like, oh, you take showers, do you? I said, yes, I take showers now. I'm a big boy. Big boys take showers. What changed? You want to be a little boy, right? Every little boy wants to be grown up. Every grown up wants to be little boy, right? That's why we have bigger cars, bigger flashing lights when we join Hatzalah. It's just we have the same Tonka trucks, but now we get to save lives. Baruch Hashem. It's, what's the pshat? Once you see the reality, you can't unsee it. What's the problem? The problem is we don't live in reality. We live with a distorted view of reality. And because we live with a distorted view of reality, we can't make meaningful changes in our life. But sometimes, every once in a while. The truth doesn't come gradually. Every once in a while, the truth hits you like a ton of bricks. Before we get to how that works, I just want to define for you a word. When someone tells you, I'm telling you the truth, what does that mean?

11:49 What is the truth? It's just not a lie. We need a better definition for that. All of us right now are not sitting in the same room. We're not. We're not sitting in the same room. It seems like we're sitting in the same room, but we're not sitting in the same room. I'll give you, I'll explain to you what this means. First of all, right now, I'm sitting in a very different room than you. Because I'm facing you. So right now, I'm looking at this girl who's not paying attention, and that girl who is paying attention, that girl that just smiled at my joke, that girl that laughed, that girl that didn't. It's not nice. Laugh at my joke. It makes me feel good. It doesn't cost you anything. But, a lot of ADHD tonight, yeah?

12:22 A lot of ADHD. It's been a long week. Baruch Hashem. But, right now, we're in a very different room. All of you are facing me. Is Berg going to be okay tonight? Am I going to hear something I want? But I'm sitting and worrying. Is my message getting across? We're in a very different room. But we also have Majri Chot in the room. And they're having a very different experience. Their question is, did they actually put their phones away when I made the announcement? 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 times. Do you think in your life you're ever going to have to say that phrase more? Baruch Hashem, you're getting it all out now. You're never going to have to say it again. Everybody has a certain amount to get out.

12:53 You get it out so quickly, Baruch Hashem. So she's sitting here wondering, okay, are people following me? Who's not following me? Who's Rabbi Sharfman afterwards? And then there's the girl in the room that's cold. She's always cold. Oh, you know that girl? She's always cold. I'm always cold. Why am I always so cold? Always cold. It's so cold in your shalom. I'm from L.A. It's so cold, right? I'm from L.A. It's so cold. There's a snowstorm. Nobody should live in this country. Literally, it happened in Yeshiva. A couple years ago, there was a snowstorm. The boys from L.A., they went into hibernation like bears. They stayed in their room. They did not come to Minyan. They did not come to Seder. They sat in their dorms, huddled together like it was the end of the world with blankets covering them. And they're like, they want to like, make fires in the middle of the room. Like, what is wrong with you guys? They're like, this is inhuman, you know? It's like, and then there's the girl that's always so hot and she's always so cold and it drives me crazy and I don't understand. Why do we always have to have the heat on so high? I'm dying in here. I can't sleep. I wake up every morning dried out. It's so not fair. And then it becomes an emotional issue, right?

13:55 I've seen all of a sudden, man, we have roommate issues over people's temperature, which really doesn't make any sense, right? None of us are in the same room right now. Perception is not reality. Reality, we're all living in the world of perception. What is truth? Truth means the accurate perception of reality. That's what truth is. If anybody asks you, what's the definition of the word truth? Truth means the accurate perception of reality. All of us right now, we're not living with the truth. We're living with perception. But there is a concept called truth. What actually happens? That is subject to massive levels of debate. I don't often recommend watching videos on YouTube. And I'm not recommending to watch this one either. But a couple of years ago, the boys decided that I needed to know who Key and Peele was. I needed to know who Key and Peele was. And I think some of them are really funny, and some of them are really stupid.

14:59 There was one with Osama Bin Laden in the cave and the TSA, Givaldick. Other ones I didn't think were funny at all. But there was one Key and Peele that they showed me. And I thought, I didn't think it was actually funny, but I thought it was brilliant. It was about two friends that were texting each other. I don't know if you've seen this one. Two friends that were texting each other. And each one of them is reading the text differently. So, one of them is reading the text, like his friend is really angry at him, and he's writing back, like, the most violent texts. But the guy who's reading those violent texts is reading them in, like, the sweetest way. So the guy who's writing the violent texts is like, oh, so you want to go now? And the guy who's reading them is like, oh, so you want to go now? And they're both having the same conversation, but one of them is exceptionally violent and the other is exceptionally soft. Finally, they actually meet in the bar, and one guy is in the bar, and he's sitting there waiting with a drink for his friend, and the other guy walks in with a baseball bat that has barbed wire around it, because he's ready to kill the guy. Which one was true? So the answer is like this.

16:02 It's crazy to think about this, but just bear with me for a second. It makes a lot of sense, but it's not going to make sense to you at first. Who had a greater perception of reality? Who had a greater understanding of the truth? Avram Avinu at Akedah Sietznak? Avram Avinu who was there, who was a participant in HaKedas Yitzchok, who had a greater version of the truth. Avram who was there, or Moshe who wrote about it in the Torah, who had a greater perception of the truth. Obviously it has to be Moshe. Why? Because Avram Avinu saw the world through the lens of his own eyes. And therefore his participation in the story means he would tell that story as a father. But when Moshe Avinu writes that story in the Torah, he's not writing it as a father. He's not writing it as a brother or a son. He's not writing it as a bystander. What's he communicating? How God saw that story. However God sees that story, that's the truth. So when Moshe Rabbeinu writes, in the Torah,

17:05 it could be that if Avraham Avinu was reading the Torah, he would go, that's not exactly the way I remember it. But it wouldn't be that Avraham Avinu's version of the story was more true. If anything, it would be the opposite. Why? Because Moshe Rabbeinu had what's called, He had perfect vision. Meaning, untainted, unbiased. The truth means, the accurate perception of reality. We all live with perception. Now I want you to come with me for a second. Yosef HaTzadik's brothers sell him down to Mitzrayim. But this is not a simple process. It starts with, they see him coming. They say, He's Chayiv Misa. Who Paskin said he's Chayiv Misa, by the way? Shimon and Levi. Sitting on a bezden, argue, because they were the ones that killed all of Shem. They argue, Yosef HaTzadik is dangerous, we have to kill him. That's their perception. Ruvain comes, and he says, I'm going to save him. But I'm not the type of leader that's going to be able to take on my brothers. Let's put them in a pit. Yehuda comes, and he says, let's sell him down to Mitzrayim.

18:09 But either way, one thing we know for sure. What's their vision of Yosef HaTzadik? Their vision is, he's terrible. At the least, he needs to be killed. Or at the most, he needs to be killed. At the least, he needs to be expelled. Now we fast forward, 22 years later. Where has their father been for 22 years? For 22 years, they watched their father grieve. They come down to Mitzrayim, and it's clear that they came down for one purpose and one purpose only. Yes, they needed to get food, but there was a secondary agenda. And this was the primary purpose, and they knew it. We're going to find Yosef. They come to Mitzrayim. Yosef hears that they come to Mitzrayim. They're brought in front of Yosef. What does the Pasuk say? Yosef recognizes them, but they don't recognize him. I'm going to ask you an obvious question.

19:10 Girls, anybody know what Yosef HaTzadik looked like? Anybody know? He looked exactly like, who said it? Of course you said it. You're always right. He said it like, he looked exactly like Yaakov Avinu. When Yosef looked at the image in the window, that saved him from Ashes Potiphar, who was that? It was a reflection of himself. He looked exactly like Yaakov. Who did Yaakov look like? Yaakov looked like Adonai Rishon. But Yosef looked exactly like Yaakov. Okay. They come down, they're looking for Yosef. What does Rashi say? They see Yosef. He recognizes them, but they don't recognize him. Why? Rashi says, But what did Rashi say? Because he had a beard. That answer makes no sense. They came to look for Yosef. Who did they... Imagine you're sitting there. You come in front of the viceroy of Mitzrayim. Who do you see? You see the spitting image of your father. How do you know he's the spitting image?

20:10 It's true. When Yosef left, when he was a kid, he was 17 years old. He didn't have a beard. He was a clean-shaven guy. He couldn't grow a beard. He was that kid that during Sfira, it was like those awkward patches. You know what I'm saying? You're going to see that this year, girls. It's like, I can't shave. Lagva Omer is like the funniest time for guys. They're like half a mustache, half like a... Again, the spharm aside, but like, you know, the Ashkenazim. They only grow like random cut-and-paste type of situations. Yeah? I thought it was a funny joke too, thanks. So when he left, he was clean shaven. Now he has a beard, so they don't recognize him? No, now he had a beard. Who did he look exactly like? He looked exactly like his father. They come and they see a man who's sitting on the throne of Mitzrayim, and he looks exactly like Yaakov Avinu. What should their response have been? We found him. That must be our brother. When he was growing up, everybody, don't you play that game with your siblings? Who do you look like? You don't play that game? I always play that game. Who do you look like? Oh, well, John looks like my father. Steve looks like my mother.

21:12 I look like my mother. My sister looks more like my aunt. Right? Everybody, so when Yosef HaTzadik was growing up, I imagined the Shvatim when they were sitting around shepherding their sheep. What'd they say? Oh, he looks more like a mixture of this. He looks more like, but this kid is the spinning image of what Yaakov Avinu looks like. If you took Yaakov Avinu and put him in a kid, that's what Yaakov Avinu would look like. So, of course, they're smart people. Who should they be looking for? They didn't have that software that could project a person's age. They had what? They had the actual copy in front of them. This is Yaakov. Okay, it's true. He had an Egyptian crown on. He had Egyptian robes on. But how did they not get it? If they came looking for him, how did they not get it. Maybe they didn't want to. Yeah. That's what the Alta Rebbe says. The Alta Rebbe says an unbelievable Shat. Perception is reality. They came down to Mitzrayim and they had a vision for who Yosef HaTzadik was and it wasn't that he was a king. Because remember, they thought he was Chayiv Misa. They thought he was Chayiv to be expelled. That guy doesn't become the king of Mitzrayim. Yosef's dreams was what? Yosef's dreams was, I'm going to be ruling over you. The last place they looked for him, was in the house of Mitzrayim.

22:21 So it's true. You know what they showed up? They looked at this guy and they said, isn't it strange that the viceroy of Mitzrayim looks exactly like dad? Isn't that strange? And you know what didn't occur to them? It's our brother. How did it not occur to them? What's the shot? Truth does not hit you in the face. And when it does, it doesn't always make a change. But sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. We'll see. But sometimes it could be staring you in the face. It's so obvious. How did I not see it before? Why? Perception is reality. You didn't want to see it. You had the opportunity to see it. You didn't want to see it. Sometimes, hang on, I'll get to you at the end, okay? I can't see the time today because we have the dreidel. Okay, plenty of time. Sometimes, in order to be awakened from the slumber of perception, you need someone to deliver the truth to you on a silver platter. Silver platter. You need them to spell it out. You need to say, this is the truth. Stop lying to yourself. You can't do this with everybody because some people are so entrenched in their own perception of the reality that even if you say it to them, you're lying to yourself. You know what they say?

23:54 No, I'm not. You're clearly lying to yourself. No, I'm not. You're clear. No, I'm not. They can't hear it. But every once in a while, you find a Talmud or a Talmida that what do they want more than anything? They just want someone to come over and smack them in the face with the truth until they wake up. I'm privileged to have one Talmud like that this year. That his whole attitude is, Rebbe, just smack me with the truth. So he comes into my office, he sits down, and he goes, Rebbe, I need one of those smackdowns with the truth. It's really hard for me to wake up for Shachar's. And all he wants me to say to him is,

24:25 no, it's not. It's not hard to wake up for Shachar's at all. You're just being lazy. And you know that in a couple months from now, when you don't wake up for Shachar's, you're going to be sitting there feeling like, I wasted my year. He goes, you're right. Thank you very much. He gets up and he walks out. It's unbelievable. It's the easiest thing in the world. It's like dunking when you're 10 feet tall. All he wants is the truth. But when a person doesn't want that, when a person is living in their perception, it's so hard. You have to maneuver, you have to engage, you have to be soft, you have to be kind, you have to get them to trust you. But not this time. Not this time. Something changed. Yosef HaTzaddik saw something in his brothers that now the time was right for him to say, Ani Yosef ha'od avichai. Let's talk about what that musr was for a second because I want you to see how much of a truth Yosef just smashed into his brothers' faces. First of all, you looked me in the eye. You looked me in the eye. You were looking for me. And you looked me in the eye and you didn't see me?

25:28 Ani Yosef. That by itself would have been a blow away musr. You were looking at it in the face and you didn't even see it. But Yosef HaTzaddik says something even more than that. Ha'od avichai? Is my father still alive? Girls, didn't Yehuda just get done talking about how pained his father would have been if Yosef will not release Binyamin? Of course Yosef knew that Yaakov was still alive. So what was the question? It wasn't a question. It was a musr. And here was the musr. The musr was, you were so holy. You were so righteous. When you saw me coming all those years ago, you didn't think twice about our father. You didn't think about the 22 years where he would be mourning because you couldn't let go of me. You didn't think about all the pain and suffering. You just said, this kid's got to go. And now you come and you say you care about your father's feelings. Don't lie. Lie. Don't lie.

26:29 If you truly cared about your father's feelings, then you would have cared all those years ago. Maybe you would have dealt with me more compassionately. Maybe I made a mistake, but you wouldn't have executed me. You wouldn't have thrown me in a pit with snakes and scorpions. You wouldn't have sold me to a bunch of Yishmaelim. You wouldn't have done that. Forget me if you cared about my father. The perception that they had when they came down to Mitzrayim is, okay, we're looking for our brother, but did we do anything wrong? This is what the brothers were struggling with. Did we do anything wrong? After all, we were trying to protect Klal Yisrael. Isn't it true? Avram had Yishmael, Yitzchak had Esav. So it was more complicated when it came to Yaakov. There were 12 of us. We didn't know which one was going to be the bad apple, but we knew it was going to be one of us. So we were waiting to see. And then you were the one that had the dreams. And you were the one that wanted to be our melech. You were asserting yourself, just like Yishmael, just like Esav. So we knew it was you. We did the right thing. Since they knew that they did the right thing. They knew it. They said, of course, listen, we would love to be compassionate to our father. We would love to be. But how could we risk it?

27:32 How could we risk it? How could we risk the next Esau? How could we risk the next Ishmael? So they justified to themselves that he was Chayef Misa. They justified to themselves that he should be sold down to Mitzrayim. So when they came to Mitzrayim, what perception did they have? We didn't do the wrong thing. If they didn't do the wrong thing, where was Yosef going to be? Yosef was going to be somewhere in a market. Yosef was going to be a slave. But that Yosef should be a king? No way. Because we didn't do the wrong thing. But sometimes, sometimes in life, somebody holds up a mirror and says to you, yeah, you didn't do the wrong thing? Ani Yosef. Your perception was wrong. You were looking right at me and you didn't see it. Ha'od avichai, if you really cared. If your motives were so pure. You know how people say, Honestly, I don't care. It's the principle of the thing. Anybody who ever tells you it's the principle of the thing is lying. Nobody has ever fought for the principle of the thing. There's always nagiyas. There's always bias.

28:34 Everybody has an agenda. They say the godless of the real gedolim is that when you come to them for advice, they have no agenda. When people come for advice, you have to know yourself. You have to know the lens through which you see the world. I know a therapist. She's a marriage therapist. She told her husband. She's on her second marriage. She told her second husband. She said, we have to have a phenomenal marriage. He said, why? She said, because I'm a marriage therapist. And in order for me to be a good marriage therapist, I can't have a bad marriage because if we're having a bad day, I know I'm going to take it with me into the office. I can't have toxicity in our relationship because it will come with me. We're all human. We didn't have bias, we did what's right. Yes, you did. You did have bias. You didn't care about your father, and don't tell me you care about him now. It was such a stark musr that the brothers began to back away from Yosef. Why? Because the truth was so bright, was so clear, it illuminated their lives so stark that there was no unseeing it. You can't go back from seeing that.

29:37 That was the musr. But why did Yosef give it? So I'd like to suggest, I'd like to suggest with the time we have left, that there's one core thing that you must have if you want to see the truth. If you want to see a different reality than the one that you live in, if you're willing to expand your consciousness to suggest that maybe, just maybe, you might be wrong in your life, then you need to do one thing. You need to make one move. That's it, just one. You need to be a person who says Vayigash. Vayigash means, and you approach. Here's the thing. There are two postures that we all have. I'm going to give you the story before I give you the definition. I'm sure none of you were these girls, but I'm sure you know girls like this. How many girls did you hear before the year come to their friends or to their parents and say the following?

30:46 make sure I don't change this year. I know it was none of you, but I know girls that have said this. I'm going to Israel. Somehow that rabbi convinced me that I have to go. That teacher convinced me. I got in. I had friends that were going. I'm going to go because I want to be part of the scene. But make sure, you've got to promise me, that you're not going to let me change. Because I know I see some of these girls and they come out and they're so from and I don't want to be like that. So when they come to Israel, they have a posture. And their posture is, don't even try to change me. They literally will walk out of classes. I don't mean you. They literally will walk out of classes when somebody starts to say something that rubs up against them the wrong way. Why? Because it starts to ring of the truth and they need to run. They need to run. There's a bacher in yeshiva one year that whenever the mashkiach came to that shiur to give musr, he would leave. Brilliant bachur, smart, knew how to learn. He couldn't be there for the Meshkiach's Moser. Meshkiach, in the Basarit, his name is Irv Glanz. He's a big pikeach, a very wise man. We share an office.

31:51 He came into the office one day, and he said, you know, this boy, he's never at any Moser. So he went to the boy, and he asked him, why don't you come to any of the Moser? So the boy said to him, look, I'll learn, but don't ask me to change. He was, the kid was smart enough to know that if he heard that schmooze, something was gonna ring true, and it might cause him to change. Bachur this year called his mom and said, mom, I'm getting nervous. I'm getting nervous that I'm starting to change. You got to promise me that you're not gonna let me make these changes. His mother called me up. She goes, you're doing something right. He thinks she's her ally. It's the craziest thing. And here's the word. So many of us come in with a defensive posture. So it doesn't matter how great the shurim are. What's the story you tell yourself? The story you tell yourself is, eh, none of it's good enough. Because you have a defensive posture. Some look like they have an accepting posture, but it's really all defensive. I don't really want to change. Don't ask me to do too much, because I don't know what I'm going to lose. There's a fear. There's a fear that I have, that if I come to Israel for the year, if I come to Sharfman's,

32:56 that somebody's going to say something to me, and all of a sudden it's going to click, and they're going to say, whoa. That really changed the way. Up until now I saw it like this, and now I see the world in a different way. I don't want that. Yosef HaTzaddik knew something. As long as his brothers were searching for him, They weren't going to find him and he wasn't going to be able to give them musr. Even if he was going to have the unbelievable line, the drop the mic, Ani Yosef HaOravichay line, Mamba out. That's it. Even if he has that line, it won't matter. Why? Because if you're not looking for it, if you're not willing to draw close, if you're not willing to approach, nobody will ever be able to say anything to you that will ring true. Because you'll just sit there the entire time going, I've heard it so many times before. Of course. You could have heard the same shmooze a million times before. You might have heard this shmooze a million times before. And it can only make an impact when? When you decide to open up to a new reality. To actually approach a different version of the truth.

34:01 When Yehudah was Vayigash, now Yosef knows, okay, you want to hear the truth? You want an accurate perception of reality? Ani Yosef, ha'od Avichai. What's the immediate reaction of the brothers? They start to pull back. Why do they pull back? Because when we hear the truth, it scares us. When somebody says to us something clean, something clear. Here's an easy one. There is one G-d. It's true. There is one G-d. And He has a Torah for us. And He has commandments in that Torah, mitzvot, opportunities to serve Him. And those mitzvot are really important. And your mitzvot matter. And you could sit here and say, but I don't feel like... But you know what? Your not feel like doesn't dictate what the Torah does and doesn't say. What he said is what dictates what does and doesn't say. Only what he said, not how we feel. How we feel is important, but not to the actual mitzvah itself. So when we start doing things, like for example, I love this one, when guys come to me and they go like, yeah, I don't feel like I should be Shomron Egea.

35:05 I'm like, okay, I don't feel like I should keep kosher either. They're like, it's not the same. Who said? Because I don't feel like it's the same. Your feeling doesn't dictate what's true. It's real, but just now when I said it, there were some girls that were in like a defensive posture. Here we go again, just another rabbi pushing his agenda. I'm not listening. I'm not listening. I'm not listening. Of course not. Because if our attitude is I'm not interested in hearing, then you won't hear. But once you hear it, even if you're interested, what's your reaction going to be? Whoa, that's a lot. That's a lot. I can't handle that much. I can't handle that much. In yeshiva, this is how it sounds, I'll tell you how it sounds in yeshiva, I'll tell you how it sounds in seminary. In yeshiva, there are boys that when they hear it, this is what they go. They go, okay, I just heard a shir that Gemara is really important. And actually for the first time it actually made sense to me why we learn Gemara. So this is what they say, I'm not going to learn in kolo for the rest of my life. How did we get from Gemara is important to learning in kolo for the rest of your life?

36:12 That's called pulling back. You heard the truth and then you took it to it's like, boom, it's going to change my entire life, everything I do forever, so I'll do none of it. You're back in that defensive posture. This is what it sounds like in seminary. Again, only because people hock each other up the wazoo about this topic. A girl realizes, shoot. I do want to be more of a Tzannuah person. And I'm not talking about dress. I do want to be more of a Tzannuah person because I want to be able to connect deeply to people. I don't want people to see the external version of me. I want people to see me. They go, I'm not going to dress like I'm in Mea Sharim. Who asked you to dress like you're in Mea Sharim? How did that just happen? How did we go from here to there? Nobody's asking you to wear a burqa. This is not... By the way, that's not sneas. Wearing a burqa is not sneas. That's not normal. That's not healthy behavior.

37:00 I saw one of them today. Yeah, it's scary stuff. They're not normal people. It's very unhealthy. They have little girl burqas, I saw. You mean the little hat cover hat. No, they don't always do the head covering. Some of them just do the poncho. Oh, the poncho. My point here is not to discuss that. My point is, why did you hear a truth and then you went to the logical extreme? You know why? Because you pulled back. You pulled back. Not because you didn't know it was true. You knew it was true. But I pulled back because that's too much for me. That's too much. So what does Yosef say to his brothers? Gishu na'elai, don't pull back. When you hear the truth, don't pull back. Don't run to the extreme. And so therefore I'm going to throw out the baby with the bath water. Don't do that. Gishu na'elai, draw close to me. The truth will never hurt you. Knowing the truth is always better. Knowing the truth means you can actually engage with the reality that's happening in front of you. Healthy people want critical feedback. You know why they want critical feedback? Because they're smart enough to know that their perception is skewed. I'm going to save your marriage right now.

38:14 I'm going to save your marriage. I'm going to give you a gift. I'm going to save your marriage. Your spouse is a mirror. Everything your spouse criticizes you for, I'm not saying they're right for criticizing you. I'm not saying the way they criticized you is fair. But your spouse is a mirror. They're sharing with you their perception of reality. That's critical feedback. You have two perspectives that you can choose to see it. You can choose to see it as painful, or you can choose to see it as a massage. Painful means somebody's pushing into me. They're pressing into me. This is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. That's also a massage. I don't know if any of you have ever gotten a massage. I hate getting massages. My wife and I, we once hired, we wanted to give ourselves a gift. We once hired masseurs. I had a male, she had a female. I hated it. What was he doing the entire time? The entire time I was cringing. He's pressing into me. It's so painful. And at the end, you're dehydrated. You have to drink so much because they took out all the water of your body, pressing every single muscle.

39:17 I was terrible. Some people love it. Why. Because they say, I know the pain will be gone and my muscles will be relaxed. I was focusing on the pain, so I hated it. Critical feedback is not, can it be painful? Yes, but it's a massage. If you're willing to open yourself up to someone else's truth, you know what's going to happen? You're going to realize that your perception of reality is not the only perception of reality. Right now, we're at what I call the third quarter of your year. The year in Israel is a basketball game. Four quarters in a basketball game. Tol Sukkos, from Sukkos to Hanukkah, Hanukkah to Purim, and then post-Pesach. Those are the four quarters. I don't know if you remember what you looked like when you got off the plane. But I want to tell you what it looks like. It looks like a bunch of girls that are just totally out of sorts. You have no idea what's up, what's down, where you're going, getting settled. Do I like these girls? Don't I like these girls? Do I like these teachers? Don't I like these rules? I don't like these.

40:24 Do you live? I don't like this. I don't like that. Do I like this? Do I like that? It's awesome. It's not awesome. Everything that everybody says is being micro-analyzed. It's the first quarter of the year. Nobody has a clue what's up. Then you come back after Sukkot. Okay, there's that readjustment, right? Because you got adjusted, then Sukkot, now you have to get the readjustment. And you sort of go, okay, it's getting dark outside, it's getting tedious, can I do this? Girls, I want to tell you where your year is made. In a basketball game, you could lose the first quarter, you could lose the second quarter. You could be down by 10, 15, even 20 points going into the half. But if you come back in the third quarter, chances are you have a good shot of winning that game. Everybody knows the third quarter is the one that counts. The first and second quarter, you're just getting used to each other. The third quarter is the one that counts. But here's why it counts. Because we spent the last four months building trust. You may not realize what's going on. I'm going to tell you what's going on behind the scenes. Four months have been spent building trust with you. Building trust didn't mean that teachers were necessarily going to take it easy on you. Sometimes it meant that they were going to say things that were uncomfortable for you.

41:31 But you knew that they were authentic. You knew that they had integrity. So now it's December. It's mid-December. My only question for you is this. Are you ready to be a Vayigash? Are you ready to open yourself up to the possibility that your life could be more expansive than the one you've had until now? that perhaps not everything you thought at 14, 15, 16, and 17 years old was the black and white capital T truth. Maybe, just maybe, there is a larger reality out there, one that may necessitate making certain changes. Nothing that's going to take you into the depths of maya sharim that we're never going to see the light of day again. That's not what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about things like, maybe relationships at this point in my life must be meaningful. Maybe when I was 16, okay, but maybe now, if I'm engaged in a relationship, that might be the person I marry. I knew my wife when I was your age, right? The people you engage with today, they matter.

42:36 Here's another one. It's hard to hear. Your reputation matters. Girls, I'm going to get the phone call, because I'm getting them now. I'm going to get the phone call in two, three years when girls are in Shidduchim and they're calling me up and they're going, Rebbe, I changed so much, but my past is coming back to haunt me. Why? Because reputation matters. Who you are, people are going to know. People ask about other people. My phone, the number one thing that comes up on my phone is questions about Shidduchim. You taught in Sharfman's, do you know this girl? You taught in Mevaser, do you know this boy? You taught in NCSY Kolel, do you know this guy? The number one question I'm getting is reputation matters. So it's cute when you're 16 years old, 15 years old, it doesn't really matter, right? Anybody could be a kid. But when you're 18 years old, 19 years old, and you're running around in Israel doing things that maybe you're not going to be proud of, when you're 22, 23, 24 years old, maybe now is the time to have a little bit more of an expansive reality and say, it's time for me to make that change. It's time for me to get serious about this.

43:37 It's time for me to make Hakadosh Baruch Hu the primary thing in my life. Maybe it's time to do that. But in order for you to hear anything, because the teachers here are going to give you unbelievable capital T truth. They're going to say to you, They're going to look you in the face and they're going to say, Really? That's your motivation? Are you lying to yourself? And if you're a Vayigash, you know what you're going to have the capability of saying? You're going to have the capability of saying, Yeah, maybe I wasn't telling myself the truth. Maybe I wasn't being as honest with myself as I thought I was. Maybe there's a deeper dimension. I was privileged in my life to have a Rebbe, whose name was Rav Kaddish Waldman. One of the things I loved about Rav Waldman is that he kept us honest. He kept us honest. He was a very big man. Physically big, but he spoke in a big way. Very big man. In our yeshiva, there was a guy, I'm going to tell you his name, he lives in Ramat Shlomo today, he sits and learns all day, he's been sitting and learning for like 20 years.

44:40 His name is, I won't tell you his last name, his name is, whatever, I'll tell you, Rav Asher Vogel. When I knew Asher, he was still Adam, and a couple years before I met Adam, Adam had long hair, blonde hair, he went to Ramaz. By the time I met Adam, he was already this like, sweet, gentle, just sitting and learning, focused yeshiva guy. And I want to tell you something, every guy in yeshiva looked up to Adam Vogel. He was in the Beis Medrash program, and he was just learning all day, post-college, I was 19 years old, Shana B'ed and Mevaseret.

45:16 And there were two guys, Adam Vogel and his chavrusa, who would sit, they would sit next to a pillar, so we called Adam the pillar, he would sit next to a pillar, and they would just sit and learn all day. And when you went to speak to Adam, this is what he sounded like, I said, hey, may I have a second to speak? Sure, sit down, how's everything, how can I help you? And it was like, even as like, even as a guy, I'm not embarrassed to say this, even as a guy, you're like a little in love with him. You're like, you're just so nice, you know? Because I'm used to sitting down with friends of mine and go, hey man, can I speak to you for a second? Yo, what's up? You know, like I'm saying, like you have that like, but he was just so nice, so kind, so sweet. And here I am, I'm Shana Bet, I'm all for him, right? And I want to be, I want to be the man. I want to be the good for him, Shana Bet guy. I'm focused, right? So I decided I'm going to emulate Usher Vogel.

46:00 I'm going to walk around, like my hands clasped tightly, and like a little girl, I'm going to be like, hi, how are you? You know, I'm going to be, I'm going to become an Edelmeidel. This is what I wanted to be. The Mashkiach of Mevaseret at the time, Rav Waldman, he used to sit by the window of the Beis Medrash. And he saw me, I was by myself, he saw me walking up the mountain, like the side of the mountain where the yeshiva is, walking up the mountain, and I had my head down like the Ramban says, and I had my hands clasped. And all of a sudden I hear from above me, the window opens, and I hear the Mashkiach call out, Berg! So I looked up and I'm all sweet, and I'm like, yes Rabbi? What the heck are you doing? This is from me, he's like two stories up. So I, what could I do Rabbi? He goes, get up here now! So I start walking, he goes, faster! So I'm like trying to, how do you walk fast like an Eid al-Maidl? You're like, it's like power walking with a hunchback,

47:01 it doesn't work, you know? I come into the Beis Medrash, and he grabbed me by my shirt, he was waiting for me, he grabbed me by my shirt, I'm not freaking, he grabbed me by my shirt. He says, what are you doing? I said, I'm trying to work on my midos. And he was looking at me like I was from outer space. He's like, what? I was like, yeah, like, Revy, you know, like, sort of like a guy who talks a lot, you know, and like, don't always say the smartest things. And I'm always trying to make the joke, you know, and I just see Usher over there. And he's just like, so refined and so amazing. I just want to be like him. And he looked at me and he's like, but that's not you. I was like, yeah, but shouldn't it be? And he's like, no. He's like, we have enough of him. You got to be you. It occurred to me. And it was the first time it ever occurred to me in my life that the truth wasn't about being someone else.

48:04 The truth was about being me. See, I was lucky in my life to have Rebbeim that were very authentic people. My roommate, when I was in Yeshiva, after Mevaser, when I was in Yeshiva, was a guy who was also like that. Another one of those sweet, edel-medel guys. And he married a girl who's a sweet, edel-medel girl. And everyone was, like, joking around their whole life. Like, when they were, like, dating and, like, getting engaged, we're like, oh my God, you're going to have, like, sweet, edel-medel children who will marry other sweet, edel-medel children, other sweet, edel-medel grandchildren. Like, we're just like, he's like, he's like, maybe, I don't know. His wedding was in Baltimore. Why is that an awe? It's Baltimore, you know? The wedding was in Baltimore. So one of my Rebbeim who I'm very close with. Under the chuppah. I was one of the eidim on the Kedushin. Under the chuppah. He looks at me and he goes, how much does it gross you out that you know that the two of these people are never going to fight their entire life? Under the chuppah, he said that, in front of them.

49:05 So I said, a lot. But maybe we could talk about it a different time. But you know what I loved about that story? He was real, my Rebbe. He was real. He was making a joke. Everybody knew it was a joke. But there was a sense of like, you're being authentic. I have a question. Just, how cool would it be if when you got here in the beginning of the year, they handed you a mirror. And the mirror on the top said, what's this place called? Benot Torah Institute or something like that. BTI. BTI? Okay, Sharfman's on top, yeah? How cool would it be if they handed you a mirror and on the bottom of the mirror was written one word? authenticity. How cool would it be if you knew that when you stepped through these doors, that's what you were coming for. Not to hear another shiur, not to hear Berg tell more stories, but to ask yourself one question day in and day out. Are you lying to yourself? How much of your bias is defining where your life goes?

50:13 Wouldn't it be awesome if I was a person who was able to hear The gift that you have in front of you is you could be yourselves. You could be the best version of yourselves. Not the thing that you have to parade around for the rest of the world. Not the Snapchat, Instagram world of I shake the camera to make the party look cooler. The party wasn't that great and just because you shook the camera didn't make it look cooler. It just made everyone else dizzy. Not the person that has to take a picture of their salad to let the world know that they got mangoes. Nobody cares. And certainly not the person that takes a picture of pineapple pizza. That person needs to go away for a long time. Pineapple does not belong on pizza. What if you actually didn't need to document your life and share it on social media so that everybody should know where you are every moment of every day? What if you were able to just be authentic? What if you were able to present your truest self to the world and those that love you will accept you? Wouldn't that be awesome? That's what you have in front of you right now. Don't miss the opportunity. Okay, girls, we'll stop here for tonight. Here's the trick. You're lying to yourself. Everybody, always. If you become consciously... Always, if you work on developing that consciousness.