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Automatic transcript; may contain mistakes, especially in Hebrew.
This week's question is a very important one. We often hear that not only are our actions important, but our intentions are just as important. How can we work on controlling our intentions? The reason why I like this question so much is because it hits on two very fundamental points. The first point is that intention matters. Thoughts become things. Most people focus on action, and action is, of course, very important. But our motivation is also important. It speaks to our authenticity. We know that when somebody does something for us, that it's something we really wanted. But if they do it in a begrudging way, it feels awkward. so disingenuous that it almost stops being worth it. Of course, we want the action, but what we really want is we want the person, and so intention matters. And when a person doesn't have positive intention, that's also part of the relationship. And this is why so often in relationships between husbands and wives,
the husband will point to the service that he does for his wife, and the wife will ask him about his intention. She said, yes, you're doing all these things for me, but at the end of the day, I feel disconnected because you're just going through it in a formal way. So yes, intention matters when it comes to building the relationship. The second reason I like this question so much is because it says we can control our intentions. We have to start off with a baseline that not everything we think, not everything we feel is meant to be thought or meant to be felt. This is very not popular in today's PC culture. Today, if you have a feeling, you should have the feeling. If you have a thought, you should have the thought. Well, I think we need to respect the feelings that we have because they're communications. But, at the same time, we also need to check ourselves. Can we control our emotions? Can we say, hey, this emotion that I'm experiencing, while it is an important message, it may be a distortion.
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And the same thing is true when it comes to our thoughts. Just because we think something doesn't mean it's true. It's really important for us to check our own biases at the door. Because, often, our experience in life is, I know for sure that this is what happened. But when we hear from another person, their perspective of the experience, somehow it sounds very different. And the reason is because bias distorts vision. So maybe we shouldn't be so sure about the things that we think, because maybe they're not always coming from a correct place. When it comes to intention, sometimes it's even a little bit more than that. People want to say, this thought just popped into my head and I really don't want to have this thought in my head. Well, we're also responsible for that. Because when something pops into our head, it's usually because of actions we have taken, or because of the way that we see the world, and things do need to be checked. It's important for us to stay focused. So let's say, for example, a person is going to do a mitzvah.
We could perform the mitzvah, but when we focus on the mitzvah, the intention is there, and it elevates the entire nature of the mitzvah. How do we do that? And the answer is mindfulness. We need to get focused in life. See, the problem for many of us is we come from an environment, and not just in our homes, but in the world around us, where things are meant to move fast. Quick and dirty. That's how we like to get things done. And we get very frustrated when things go at a slower pace than we're used to. So when it comes to our davening, we have sort of like a set time. This is the amount of time I'm going to daven, and you've got to get through it. Well, the problem is, then you're focused on getting through it, and you're not mindful of what's going on right in front of you. Intention is an incredible tool, but you have to slow down and be mindful of what's really in front of you in order to have an appropriate kavana. And the opposite is also true. When an inappropriate kavana comes into our minds, when something pops up, we have the capability,
as the Balatanya writes, of pushing these things away, b'shteya dayim, just because something popped into your head doesn't mean it's meant to be there. And we can clarify for ourselves and say, wait a second, this is not the person we wanna be. And in so doing, we push away those negative sort of thoughts. So when we're controlling our intentions, it's really a clarification of who we are. So it shouldn't just be, this is what I'm doing. But it must be, this is the person I am. And from that internal world of who we are, we want to express ourselves. So our love for our Kaddish Baruch Hu becomes real in action. But of course the intention is there. Now we have to be honest with ourselves. It's very hard to do this every day. And there's something very beautiful about becoming rugil, with serving our Kaddish Baruch Hu, getting used to it, and sort of getting into that routine. But we have to be careful that our mitzos don't become by rote. Because when things become by rote, that's when the relationship starts to deteriorate. And so mindfulness, slowing down, clarifying that these actions are in line with the person we want to be, both on the surah Meirah and on the Asai Tov, is an excellent way of learning to control. control and tension.
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