Tisha B'Av - Kamtza and Bar Kamtza:The Destruction of the Self

1:55 Let's review the story of Kamza and Bar Kamza. The story is as follows: There was a host who was having a party. His best friend was Kamza. An invitation was sent out. It was sent not to Kamza but to his enemy, whose name was Bar Kamza. Now Bar Kamza shows up at the party. What does the Gemara say? That the host goes over. Listen carefully to the words. The host goes over to Bar Kamtsa and he says, "Ahu Gavra, Bal Devavid, Ahu Gavrahu." So my biasacha That man, meaning referring to Bar Kamtsa, is the enemy of that man. It's a fancy way of saying you are my enemy. That man is the enemy of that man. So what are you doing here? Bar Kamtsa, I got an invitation. He says you gotta leave. He publicly humiliates him. You gotta leave. Bar Kamsa says to him, "I'll pay for half the suda."

3:00 He goes, "No deal." He goes, "I'll pay for the whole suda." It's no deal. Get out. The chamim don't say a word. It was a big suda. A lot of chamim were there. A lot of rabbanim were there. They didn't say a word. Bar Kamsa was embarrassed publicly. And he decides to take revenge on the chachamim who were quiet. So what does Bar Kamtse do? So he goes to the Roman Emperor and he says to the Roman Emperor Klal Yisrael is rebelling against you. And the Emperor, he wasn't sure. He was skeptical. Is that really true? Are Klal Yisrael really rebelling against me? He said, "I'm telling you, send a carbon to the base of Megiddo and you'll see they're rebelling against you." So a beautiful animal. What did Bar Kamtse do? He made a small mum. Either on the eye or on the lip, he made a small mum on the animal. That for the Romans would not have disqualified this animal from being brought as a karban, but for us in the Beit Hamikdash, it did disqualify, and they rejected the karban. The emperor understood. Klal Yisrael is rebelling against me, and because of that, the korban in Yerushalayim occurred.

4:14 So Akamza uBarakamza, char of Yerushalayim, because of Akamza and Barakamza, Yerushalayim was destroyed. However When we take a moment to analyze this Gemara You'll see that what appears to be a very simple Gemara is anything but. The Gemara is almost unreadable when you actually pay attention to what's happening here. The first and most obvious question: Who's the host of this party? Who's the host? The Gemara never says. In fact, not only does the Gemara not say, but it says Kamtza, Ubar Kamtza, Charev Yishalayim. Because of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. It was destroyed. Now I can understand why it was because of Bar Kamtza. I can understand why it was because of the host. But we don't even know who the host is. Here's our second question. Kamsa never comes to the party. Kamsa is the guy that never got the invitation. Kamsa's—he's an innocent bystander at best.

5:28 He's not there. So if you want, if the Gemara wanted to say because of the host and because of Kabar Kamsa Har Yishalayim, I understand. Kamsa doesn't even know what's going on. Imagine poor Kamsa after 120 goes up to Shamayim. And he finds out it was because of you that the base Hamikdash was destroyed. He goes, "How could I be?" It's like when a husband or a wife gets upset at a husband, and the wife is yelling at him. He goes, "What do you want from me? I wasn't even there." It happened in your dream. I wasn't even there. You're upsetting me for something that happened in your dream. I wasn't even there. A kamza or bar kamza for the host and bar kamza. That's our second question. Also, a very strange thing. Now Bar Kamza is in the party. The host sees him. He hates him. He's his enemy.

6:15 If it was me, I go over to the guy and say, "You are my enemy. What are you doing here?" But that's not what he says. He uses the strangest possible language. Ahu gavra bal davavid ahu gavra. This man is the enemy of this man. Why is he speaking in the third person? The Gemara doesn't write things in a strange way. The Gemara is telling the story. Tell the story. The Gemara is saying this man is the enemy of this man. So what should we do? What do you mean? What should we do? Who speaks like that? Who speaks in the third person? It doesn't make any sense. Another question. I'm going to introduce this question with a small story. Many years ago, my parents made a bar mitzvah for my little brother. It was the worst bar mitzvah ever. Anything that could have gone wrong went wrong. The fire alarm went off. Everybody needed to leave. It was a disaster. Meitchilah adsoif was in the Young Israel Lawrence Cedarhurst, right across the street from your house. Anything that could go wrong went wrong.

7:14 The catering didn't have enough food. Everything was messed up. At the very end, my cousin came to my mother and showed her the dessert, which was disgusting. He took a bite of the dessert. Baruch Hashem, he didn't take a full bite. There was a cockroach baked into the dessert. When my father saw the cockroach, he said, 'This is the best cockroach ever. I just saved a fortune because now I can go back to the caterer and say, 'Listen, you messed up so many things, but this is just unacceptable.' That cockroach saved my parents thousands of dollars. Best cockroach ever. And none of us really like that cousin anyway. I'm joking. Hashem Shamayim, he's a great guy. If I have my enemy comes to the suha, and he says I'll pay for half the suha Maybe I hold out a little bit three quarters of the suha. Guy says I'll pay for the entire suha, sold.

8:04 I get to have my entire suha paid for. I imagine this was quite a feast. The chachamim of Yerushalayim were there. This was a very big deal. So how much did that suha probably cost? A lot of money. Today people make. I don't know if it was the same back then. Two hundred fifty thousand dollars for the flowers and the fanciest catering. I imagine this sunda costs a lot of money. How come he didn't take the money? Isn't that a great way to destroy your enemy? You showed up at the wrong sunda and now it's going to cost you twenty five grand. That's a gemal. How come he doesn't make him pay for the sunda? Then there's the obvious question that I think everybody asks: If you're the chachamim of the time and you're sitting and watching a guy get embarrassed berabim, how do you not say anything? How do you not stand up for what's right?

8:52 Since when are the chachamim afraid of speaking their minds? Big rabbanim were there. How come they didn't say anything? And the final question, which is such a brilliant question, Rav Zwi is such a brilliant amichacham. Now Bar Kamsa goes to the Roman Emperor, and what does he say? He says, "All Yisrael is rebelling against you" You fool. You're a part of Klal Yisrael. You're going to be the one who gets. If you sink the ship, you're going down. You're going to be shot along with everybody else. So I understand you want to take revenge. But what a ridiculous type of revenge to take! You're taking a revenge that doesn't hurt the Chachamim. It doesn't hurt the host. It hurts who? It hurts you. So why would you do that? Why would you cut off your nose to spite your face? Say there, figure out a way to take revenge against the Chachamim. Figure out a way to take revenge against the host. You have to destroy all of Klal Yisroel, which includes you.

9:54 So we have six questions. Number one, the host is unnamed. Number two, Kamza wasn't even there. Number three, why does he speak in the third person? This man hates this man. Number four, why doesn't the host take advantage of Bar Kamza's offer? Number five, why didn't the chachamim intervene? And number six, why does Bar Kamtza act in such a way that destroys himself as well? Six brilliant questions. If you know these questions, the Gemara becomes like a totally different Gemara. What in the world? A simple story, and all of a sudden we see it makes no sense. What's going on over here? So Rav Zwiak says as follows. And Rabbeinu says you have to lock into every word because these principles that he teaches us. They're so yeshayidistic, especially for guys our age. He says as follows: Our age, from 15 to 45, we're all in the same. We're all the same.

10:44 I speak your language. I have D1 aura. I speak your language. I slide into these DMs just like it's nobody's business. Be safe. I like it when you guys pity laugh at me. I understand. It makes me feel good about myself. And the time is on you guys. 11:15 at night on Thursday night. A pity laugh is good. I appreciate it. So it goes as follows. First, base mikdash we know was destroyed. Shvi chastamim gili arayes and avaydazar. Second, base mikdash we all know is destroyed. Sin aschinam. Caesar is why. What does sin aschinam really mean? There's always a reason to hate someone. What does it really mean to hate someone for no reason? Is there always a reason to hate somebody? And by the way, if you go over to somebody and you say, "Hey, that's a Nasriddin," he goes, "No, I hate him because you know what he did to me."

11:39 His cousin, his brother, his uncle. For generations, our family never got along. Anybody here Syrian? They have fights back from the 1600s in Aleppo. The families are still warring. There's always a reason to hate somebody. What are you talking about? There's not a reason to hate somebody. There's always a reason to hate somebody. So his wife says as follows: "Sina means a hatred that is so self-destructive that it destroys the hater more than the hated." Sina means I hate you so much that I'm willing to take myself down just to harm you. I'd rather suffer a massive loss on my end than allow my enemy to stay in this suda. So that's an unbelievable yosod. Who does the host really hate? He hates Bar Kamtza? No. This is why third-person language is so important. There's something called disassociative. You know what disassociative means psychologically? Einikl of Dr. Palkowitz must know for sure the inner workings of the whole psychological mechanism. I'm sure when you were growing up, while you're eating your cereal, you're getting shirim from your grandfather on the inner nature of the human psyche. But just in case you weren't, I'll explain it to you.

13:07 It means I'm distant even from myself. You refer to yourself in the third person. That man. It's like I have no sense of self. There's nobody home. That man hates that man. That man hates that man. I hate you. You can only say I hate you if you have a sense of I. If you have a sense of self And you know what happens if you have no sense of self. If you have no sense of self, you end up hating others. And even more than that, if you have no sense of self, you don't mind going down with the ship. Because what do you care? What do I care if I get destroyed? Who I care if I get destroyed? If I get destroyed, I don't even care about myself. As long as you go down. We understand the nature of this host now.

13:54 He has no name. He has no sense of self. He has no sense of self, and when he sees his enemy, he doesn't even relate to his enemy as a person. He doesn't give value to himself. He doesn't give value to others. That's the ultimate expression of sinas chinam. Now let's take it a step further. What do we know about this man? What do we know about this host? We don't know his name because he has no sense of self. We know how he treats others because he doesn't see others as having fundamental dignity. But we do know who his best friend is. Who's his best friend? Kamza. Kamza is his best friend. What does Kamza mean? Kamza means a miser. You guys know what a miser means. A miser is different than a poor person. A poor person would love to give tzedakah. They may not have But they would love to give.

14:43 A miser is somebody who has But he can't part with his money. It's like he's holding on to it. He's desperate for it. This is his best friend. His best friend is a closed fist. His best friend is a miser. Why is his best friend the miser? Because he's alienated from himself. If you are deeply connected to yourself, you know what you are. You're a giver. There is no such thing as a person who's not a giver. If you're in touch with yourself, then you want to share yourself with the world. I have something to share, so here I am. If you're a closed fist person, if you don't have a sense of self Then you're trying to hoard. You become a taker. It's just everything is about me. What's going to be with me in my life? So listen to what the Gemara says: A kamtza ubar kamtza har of Yerushalayim. Not because of the host Not because of the host, but because of the mida.

15:43 The midah of a person that's not connected to himself, and because he's not connected to himself, he's a force, he's an agent of destruction in this world. This is a big thing to know. A person who's a balmusar, a person who's working on himself to become a balmidos. That's givaldik. That person can have a tremendous impact on the world. But if you're not working on yourself If you're not a balmidos, if you're not deeply connected to yourself, you should know you're dangerous. You'll hurt people because you don't care about people or yourself. This is often what happens. You see people that are just like bulldozers, knocking people over wherever they go. How could he do such a thing? You should know. You think he hates those people? He hates himself a million times more than he hates those people. It's not because of the unnamed host. It's because of the midah of being a kamtzon, the midah of being a miser. That's the destructive element.

16:38 And this is why the chachamim remained silent. Rabbi says, 'Halacha, you're supposed to rebuke someone if you see them, right? Except what the Chazal say' Effective rebuke comes how? Gently and with love, but only under what circumstances? Only if they're going to listen. Do you think this host, whose best friend is Kamtza, is capable of listening? A balmuser is somebody who has his ears open. He's connected to himself. He says, 'Tell me, how can I become a better person?' So, of course, the chamim, if they saw such a person, would go over to him and say, 'Come on, you got to do better.' But the chamim looked at this guy and they watched him destroying everything around him. The guy walked away from a fortune of money. Bar Kamso would have paid for the entire suddah. The chamim, of course, they would have spoken up, but they said, 'What's the point? There's nobody home.'

17:33 Rabbi said, "We have to work on ourselves to be people. Not only who can receive mussar," But when somebody sees us doing something wrong, they say, 'Of course, I'm going to go speak to him because I see such a growth-oriented person.' If someone gives you mussar, you should know that's a compliment. Someone gave you mussar; it means they value you enough to think that you're worthy of getting mussar, that you can receive mussar. That's a tremendous compliment. Very often I'm telling you this as a rebbe. Very often, you say to yourself. He's not ready to hear it, and I can't say it yet. He's not ready to hear it. There's a beautiful story with R' Shlomo Freifeld, Zechezadik Lavracha, the founding Rosh Yeshiva of Shaiyoshev. There was a boy in yeshiva who lied to R' Freifeld. He lied about where he was that day, and R' Freifeld knew it was a lie, but he didn't say anything.

18:26 Six months later, R' Freifeld went over to him and he said, "Remember that day that you told me you were one place and you really were somebody else?" He says, "Yeah." He says, "You were lying to me." He says, "Yes, Rabbi, I lied to you." And they spoke it out. The boy asked him, 'Rabbi, if you knew that it was a lie six months ago, why didn't you tell me that six months ago? Why'd you wait six months?' R' Freifeld said to him, 'because you hadn't yet grown ears. You didn't grow ears to hear mussar yet. You hadn't yet grown ears.' I read a maseh from the Rosh Yeshiva of Tarshshrager, Rabbi David, Rabbi Vishaiah David, Shlita. He has a book with all these beautiful stories. In the book that he wrote with all these beautiful stories of Gedolim, he tells a Ma'isa that Rav Aaron Lichtenstein, when he was a Rebbe in YU, he did something, and Rav Gurelik Who was also a big tzaddik, who was one of the Rashi Yeshiva in YU, didn't like what Rav Aaron Lichtenstein did, and he gave him real mussar. Rav Aaron stood and listened to the mussar.

19:28 Afterwards, somebody said to Rav Aaron, "Do you agree with Rav Gurelik?" He said, "No, I don't agree with Rav Geralek." He goes, 'Then why didn't you say something? Why didn't you defend yourself?' And Rav Aaron looked at him and he said, 'Defend myself and miss the opportunity to get mussar from Rav Geralek' Even though he disagreed. But a bal mussar is somebody who's looking. 'Give me mussar, yeah, maybe it's going to make me a better person.' But that means that the way that Rav Geralek looked at Rav Aaron was, Rav Aaron could receive mussar. And what was Rav Aaron's posture? He wasn't insulted. Rabbi, what a great opportunity! Chacham didn't say anything because they said there's nobody home. Rabbi, say our responsibility is to make sure there's somebody home so that when the chachamim see us, they could say, there's somebody home. Of course, I'm going to give him mussar. But in the end, bar kamza is also guilty because bar kamza starts off as the opposite of kamza. There's kamza and bar kamza. Kamsa is the miser. Bar Kamsa is the man who has a deep sense of self.

20:37 He's willing to pull out from his pocket. Just don't embarrass me. Please don't diminish me as a person. Bar Kamsa has a sense of self. But what happens in that moment when he's embarrassed in front of everybody? He loses his sense of self and he starts blaming. Blame is what happens when we lose our sense of self. All of a sudden, it's everybody else's fault. You ever meet people like this? That it's everybody else's fault. The guy on the basketball team who's good enough to make the team. But he doesn't get any playing time. It's everybody. You listen to these people; they always have the same var. It's political who gets to play. His older brother is very close friends with Mo, that's why he gets more playing time. Just looking around to see who gets that joke. Two or three of you. You get. Thank you.

21:29 It's always political. It's always somebody else's fault. It's always the teacher didn't teach the material well. It's only a certain chevrut that he likes. Everybody has. That's what you do when you're not an adult. Adults take responsibility. People who have no sense of self start to blame. Bar Kamso starts off. He's the opposite of Kamso. He's the foil. He's the enemy of the host because he has a sense of self. By the way, that's the way it works. If you have a sense of self. You don't have enemies, but if you have no sense of self, you have enemies, and you know who your enemies are—the people who have a sense of self. Bar Kamsa was a great guy; he had a real sense of self. But you know what happened? He was embarrassed. And you should know that being embarrassed berabim it's tantamount to murder. You know why? Because you can take away a person's sense of self. You guys know that there was a shiloh that was asked her Shlomos Am and Arbach.

22:22 Shlomos Am and Arbach originally pasquined. That turning on the lights on Shabbos was a derabanan and not a daoraisa. Later he changed his mind, but the original pesach was that it was a derabanan and not a daoraisa. So the following shaila was asked to Rishlam Azalman: If somebody is about to embarrass somebody else berabim on Shabbos And you could turn off the light and violate the derabanan. But if by turning off the light you prevent this person from being embarrassed, should you go ahead and turn off the light? Fascinating shiloh. Doesn't matter what the answer is. Rabbi said, "Do you hear the chasivas of the shiloh? I could stop somebody from being murdered. What's the big deal if you get embarrassed, Barabim? Why is that such a big deal? You know what the answer is. He's still alive. He's walking around, but he's a dead man inside. You took away his dignity. You took away his sense of self, and now Bar Kamtza he becomes Kamtza. And what does he do? He goes to the Roman emperor and he says, 'I don't care if I go down with the ship.' I don't care if Yerushalayim is destroyed. I don't care if I suffer as a result. Everyone's going to suffer. You know why? Because nothing matters.

23:30 Tishav Tishav is a day of restoring our sense of self. If there's no sense of self, if there's no godly dignity, then there can be no Beis Hamikdash. You want to build a family, Rabbi Sa'adi. One day, blessed Hashem, you guys are going to be husbands and fathers. You have to work on building yourself into a mensh. A mensh can live in a home. If you're not a person, your home will become a place of destruction. A father who's not working on himself, who's not a bal musr, who's not a bal midos, when he gets angry, he can chas v'shalom take it out on his wife and his children. It's not a home of chesed. It's not a home of warmth. It's not a home of love. It's not a home of music. It's not a soulful home. You don't get to live in a home if you're not a mensh.

24:21 In that era, they were not mentioned. The Beis Hamikdash was destroyed. What's the antidote to sinas chinam? The antidote to sinas chinam is not I'm gonna love my fellow Jews. That's a poal yotzei. That's a result of the work. The work is the restoration of self. Understanding, I am a neshama. I am a chelak alukamimal. I am a human being. I have dignity. I have worth. There's purpose in my life. I'm a bal musr. I want to work on myself. I'm a bal midos. Memela. If you become a person, all of a sudden you start to love other people. Reifeld, when he went to Eretz Yisrael, when he went to visit the Chazon Ish, after he visited the Chazon Ish, he entered an entry into his diary. The entry was, a gadol is a circle. The bigger the gadol, the larger the circle. The larger the circle, the more people the circle will contain. The chazenish—we saw this also by Rav Chaim Kanieski Zatzal.

25:23 Jews from all walks of life, of all shapes and sizes, all yamikas, all kapotas, turbans—everybody came to Rav Chaim. Everybody came to the chazenish. The more you're in self, the bigger your circle, the more people you'll encompass. We spend a lot of time talking about rebuilding the base hamikdash. Achdos today, I feel bad saying it. Achdos today is just a cudgel to hurt other people. When they don't agree with you, you go, "Where's your achdos?" Achdos is not the word, Rabbi Yisai. There's a word that comes before achdos. Building a sense of self. You have a sense of self. Two people who have a sense of self sit down and see the world differently. They don't look at themselves as arguing. They say, 'I can't wait to learn from you.' If you're a person, I can't wait to learn from you. If you're a person, you're learning from others. You invite others in, especially the people you disagree with. That's achdus. Achdus is not we're all the same. The need for conformity comes because we don't have a sense of self. If you have a strong sense of self, you love diversity.

26:31 True unity expresses itself in diversity. We don't want everybody to be the same. The word is not actus. Actus is the result. The word has to be I am becoming the mensh that the Rebbeinu Sholom created me to become. That's the work. That's the work of rebuilding Yerushalayim. A kamza ubar kamza nechra of Yerushalayim if Yerushalayim is destroyed because of people that were miserly, because people that they were closed fisted. Because they had no sense of self to give out to others, we have to go fakert. We have to be the guy that says, 'No, I'm here to give. I'm here to be of service to the Rebbeinu Sholom. I'm here to participate in the Rebbeinu Sholom's mission. I have a tafkid, and be'ez Hashem, I'm going to fulfill it.' In two days from now. Mashiach is going to be born. Mashiach is born on Tishavuf.

27:24 It's very exciting. It's very exciting for us. These are exciting times. We're mourning the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, but we know the lower you go, the higher you go. It's a trampoline effect. You go low, what do you find at the very bottom? What do we say tonight and Sheir? Rock bottom. The darkness becomes the light. It turns out the darkness was just light being concealed. In the lowest moment, that's when Mashiach is born. When you have no sense of self and everything around you is being destroyed, including yourself, that's exactly when you discover yourself. Be as Hashem Especially now as we're entering into the Shabbos before Tishav, as Hashem, as we go into Tishav, we should be zeiach to discover the self that was hidden within the darkness. Rabbi, have a beautiful Shabbos and a very meaningful Tishav.