The Teffilah Tightrope: Finding Our Balance in Davening

1:52 So she feeds him and she changes him. Burps him and she plays with him a little and then she puts him in for their nap and this is going to be the time to dab it But she puts him in and she reaches her mofser and he starts crying And she goes and she calms him down, and then the story describes how he extends his arms and he wants to be kuloshely; he wants all her attention. And she can't resist, so she takes him in her arms and she plays with him and she figures in her mind it's just going to be five minutes. But after five minutes, he regurgitates half of what he ate, so she has to change him. Then she changes him, and then he wants a little bit more attention. This is kind of how the morning goes. And she looks out the window.

2:40 And they're coming home from a show. But she does not daven the word. So she raises her eyes heavenward and she says Rabbona Sholom, you know that I wanted more than anything to daven today And now there's no time. From the time I start this tefillah till everybody comes in and wants lunch I have time for one short tefillah. So I'm going to daven that you have as much nachas from your children this year as you have given me from I. Other story. This is a true story. When I worked for many years at Burie High School, one of the things that happened in the teachers' room during lunch was that we had these competitions between whose children or grandchildren were cuter or more clever. So there was one morning that Mrs. Asher, those of you who remember, Mrs. Asher came in and she said, "My grandson did something that is unbelievable."

3:40 She told us the following story. Her grandson lives in Chicago. There's a baseball team there called the Chicago Bears. I think it's baseball. Her daughter called to tell her the story. So her son comes into the room one day. And he's very hesitant and fidgeting with his fingers. And he's hesitating to approach her. And he says, "Mommy, could I ask you a question?" Would it be okay if I ask Hashem to make the Chicago Bears come to our backyard for a barbecue? And this mother, the daughter of Mrs. Asher, thinks this amazing. This when I get to be the perfect Jewish mother. And she takes him. He's six years old, seven years old. She takes him on her lap and she says, "Shayfala, there is nothing you can't ask Hashem." If it's in your heart He wants to hear it. There's nothing too small. There's nothing too silly. There's nothing stupid. There's nothing petty. If it's in your heart, all he wants is for you to turn to him with what's in your heart.

4:55 And she goes on the soapbox for five minutes And he looks at her very quizzically, and he says "Mommy, I know that. Would you let? I think that's gorgeous. And it's so true of when you're very little. When you're very little You don't know how to turn, how to hold the sitter. You're always holding it upside down. People have pictures of that all the time. But you talk to Hashem in such a real, genuine way And then as we get older, we get better and better at the sitter. And less good at the talking. And we kind of say it in our sleep Because we got better and better at the sitter. I used to be embarrassed to admit this. I'm not embarrassed anymore because Tzaraat Mabim Chatsinahama. Everybody has the same. You'll see by the nodding of the heads in one minute. It used to be very embarrassing to me.

5:51 That when I got to Shmack Olenu Because I'm human, Shmack Olenu is where I really wanna have things to say there. So I start Shmack Olenu. I'm very focused. And I'm thinking this is really embarrassing But I have no recollection of saying Baruch Olenu, Ashiva Shavtenu. Es Semach David, and I know I did because I'm going in order. I'm going in order and I know I said it, but it meant absolutely zero to me. Because I couldn't even remember saying it. Everybody has that experience. So with the backdrop of those two stories of the very, very heartfelt tefillos But not a word of structured tefillah And our perfectly structured tefillos, and we say it at least two times a day, and sometimes even three times a day. But very little real tefillah going on. Let's make that into a sheir and then we'll come back to your grids.

6:47 So somebody once told me, a teacher once told me, there's no such thing as a She'er and Tefillah without the first parak of the Rambam's Hilchos Tefillah. We're not going to do the whole first parak, but we are going to do the first four halachos. Very germane to what we're doing. Halacha Aleph: Mitzvah asay lehitpaleil b'chol yom. It is a Torah edik, Nida Oreisa mitzvah to daven every day. How do I know? Shnei Amar because there's a pasuk that says, 'Va'avadatem et Hashem elokhem,' and you should serve Hashem, your God. Mipi hashmuah. What does mipi hashmuah mean? What's a shmuah? Hmm. Anybody? What's a shmooz? The chapa shmooz. It comes from the word shmuah. By the way, it's shmuo. That which is new. To talk about what's new. Mipi hashmuah, though, in Rambam language, means from the Conversation, the chiddushim that Chazal picked up. So from Torah Shabbal Pe We know Lamdu sheavodah zuhi tefila. That when it says vaavadetem et Hashem alo kechem, you should serve your God. What does serve mean? It means to daven.

8:04 How do they know that? Because of another pasuk, 'Avdo bechol Avachem,' all things. Everything will be and you'll do everything he wants, including to serve him with all your heart. Chachamim said, Chazal said, what does that mean? Service of the heart, that is davening. Avodah balev is used there. There's a more general [that] must be connected to. To avodah shem avalev love do b'chol avavchem, and that must mean davening. Why didn't they just go to this first pasuk? Why didn't he just say it's a mitzvah to say to daven? Because it says love do b'chol avavchem. Halachic minds Why can't he say that? Love do b'chol avavchem is part of a phrase. And do X, Y, and Z, and you will serve him with all your heart. Then you'll get this reward. How does a mitzvah have to be framed? In order for something to qualify as a mitzvah It has to be a command.

9:09 This is not a command. It's when you will do something. So the command is where we get the mitzvah, and this is where we understand what the mitzvah means. Amru chachamim ezo hiavadasha balev zo tzvila. The mitzvah deoraita is to daven every day. The aim minyach Tzvila min ha Torah. But there is no da'oraita about how many times in the day you daven The ein Or how many Let me put that how many davenings there are. That's both times in the day and how many brachos comprise your davening. The ein mishneh ha-tfilah hazot min ha-torah, and there is absolutely no text to the davening. The ein la-tfilah zman kavuah min ha-torah, and according to the Torah, itic law, there is no particular time at which you have to daven or by which you have to daven. Therefore, halacha Nashim va'avadim chayavim b'tzvila. People who are generally exempt from time-bound mitzvot.

10:10 Like women and servants They are obligated in tzvila because it's not a positive time-bound mitzvah. A time-bound mitzvah means that there comes a time when you have to do it, and then there's a time when you lost it. But from the Torah, it's Twenty-four-seven, you have this mitzvah to daven. So everybody has that mitzvah. Lefi shehi mitzvah asei shelo hasman grama because it's not a positive time-bound mitzvah. Rather, the obligation of this mitzvah is as follows: Sheyeh adam mitchanin. How would you say mitchanin in Hebrew? In English? Pleading, good. That a person should plead umit pallel b'chol yom every day. There should be a moment where he pleads and davens umagid shidcho shel Hakadosh baruch hu in a respectful way. He starts by singing Hashem's praises. Achar chach shoel tsrachav. After that, he asks for what he needs, shehut zadrich lehem, whatever it is that he needs, b'vakasha uvetchina, as if he really means it, begging, not that he forgets later that he said it.

11:22 And after that, he thanks Hashem for every good thing that he is given to him or graced him with. Everybody According to his capacity, there will be different ways of doing it. Ragil is very Very close to the English word, which is derived from it, which is regular. If he's irregular, if this is natural for him or for her. Then he does a lot of this begging of Hashem. But if he has a speech impediment It doesn't sound like a real speech impediment. There's a speech impediment. Hear me. How many times do we get calls to our house? Somebody is in a huge tzara And they say. Which Tehillim should I say? Because we're not a Rosh Hatim. It doesn't come natural to us. We don't feel that we're well on top of formulating prayers. So I'm Hayat Rosh Hatim, if he has a speech impediment with regard to davening, mitaber kafiy chalta, says whatever he wants v'chol eid shiur tzek, whenever it moves him.

12:44 And how often in the day, or how many different topics you're going to address everybody according to his capacity. There are some people who daven a lot of times in a day, and some people just do one because they have to keep this netzah. And that's how davening was from Moshe Rabbeinu until Ezra. Ezra Sofar, who is he? What does he represent for us? The beginning of well Anshe Knesset Hagodola And the end of Nivua. So keep that in your mind for a minute. Just want to give you a vignette of a person who is ragil. Everybody says that by the end of a course with me, you know my entire extended family who are all not alive anymore. Bubby from Buffalo. I had two bubby's. One from Bronx. One from Buffalo. My bubby from Buffalo used to spend a lot of time in our house.

13:49 And they would walk in. She had a back bedroom in our house. And sometimes I would come home from school and I would run in because she always had treats for us. So I would run in and sometimes catch her in very loud, argumentative conversations. There was nobody in the room, and it was before cell phones. It became very clear that she was having interactions with God about things she was upset about. And she would catch me there. And so many times she said to me, "You think I'm crazy? You talk to your father. I talk to mine." That's called a ragil, somebody who is regular with davening. My other bubbie from the Bronx. I'll just tell you the story. It's not one of my proudest moments either. When. We used to love to go to them for Shabbos. My sister Libby and me, and we were very young because there was unlimited everything.

14:46 We could do whatever we wanted. So one of the things that happened, my grandparents Bubby and Zadu were both Yerushalmis who never stopped being Yerushalmis, even though they spent decades in the Bronx. So my grandfather was the Rav Hamachshir for Wrigley's gum, which at that time was kosher for many years. When he came to his 25th or 30th year of service They gave him a big color television set. Color TVs were new at that time. Color television set with a stand. A console stand to put it on. This was amazing because on Sunday mornings there used to be a television show which we babysit for children while parents were doing I don't know what called Wondurama. Now it was a four-hour show. Remember Sunny Fox. Let me see. My parents would never let me watch the entire thing. I could watch a half hour, whatever was, not the entire thing. But at my grandparents' house, that was no problem.

15:46 So now we had this TV. The problem was that Bobby, it was from eight to twelve And Bobby from Bronx davened shacharis somewhere in there And her shmona esre's were forty minutes. Think about that. This is a problem. So she had no use for the television, other than it was a perfect stand for her sitter. So now she's standing in front of Wondersama And we can't see. So my sister and I are very resourceful. We figured out her housecoat was not a problem. She was standing like this. My sister grabbed her housecoat on one side, and I did the other. We pressed it against her. This is unbelievable. And we press it against her, and that way we could both see in To the TV. We always talk about how we should have watched the real show; it would have been much more instructive for us. But we did actually catch many things, and one of the things that I still remember very clearly was her banging on the wall. She would be—I don't know what words she was saying because she was—it was in Yiddish, but she was banging on the wall, also having this very heart-to-heart discourse with us. And I had two bubby like this. We're talking two generations.

17:02 And I don't know how to do that But that's a rug heel, right? But it disappears very quickly because I don't know how to do it. Same thing happened during the time of Ezra. So let's look at Halacha Daled. Kevan shegalu Yisrael b'me'nevu chadnetzar harasha. When the chadnetzar exiled the Jewish people, they got mixed up, they got acculturated. In Persia and Greece and other nationalities The naldula hem banim ba'artzot ha'goim, and they started setting up families in these various other countries. Va'utan ha'banim, and those children nit balblas vatan Their language got mixed up. Va'aitas vatz kol echad ve'echad ma'orrevet milishonot harbe And every one of those children spoke a language. That was mixed up with a lot of other languages. If you ever go to Washington Heights and you hear some of the young locals speak there, it's something between Spanish and English. It's not exactly either one. My grandmother was between English and Yiddish and Hebrew. It was something like peshla epist kensvar machte halonot.

18:22 That's called bishibosh. But just like Aral's time is not simply talking about people with actual speech impediments They're not saying that either. It doesn't mean that they couldn't speak any one language. English or Hebrew or Spanish. It meant that the culture, the language of which we are part, I speak your language The language of davening, the language of having a relationship with God, became less and less easy. Because they were growing up in a different culture It's not so different from now. The kevan shahayam under the third line at the bold part, kevan shahayam daber. When one of these children would start to speak, he couldn't get everything out that he needed to say in one language. It kind of got mixed up. He spoke the Hamish language of the Jewish home. He also spoke the language of the culture outside. So when they tried to daven, he didn't have the words or the language to express everything that he wanted. Or to praise God.

19:35 That wasn't part of the vernacular in the streets of Greece. In a holy tongue. Can refer to Hebrew, but can be much broader than that. It means in the language of a davener. Because whatever language he was speaking when he davened It took on a lot of other languages. There were a lot of other things on his mind, a lot of other concerns and priorities that he had. The Kevan sheRaa Ezra uBeiti Nokah. And when Ezra and his Bezdan saw that this was happening Umdu they had to do something quick. V'tiknu lahem shmona esrei brachot al haseder, and they established eighteen. Organized brachos. Shalosh vishanot shevach laHashem. The first three were praised Hashem. Shalosh achronot hodayav. The last three were Thanksgiving. We know this since we're very little. And zayyot and the middle ones yech b'hem sheilat kol hazavrim have the request for all those things. Shehem kivot kamo avot l'chol chetzei ish b'ish uitzarchei hatsibura kulam. What does avot mean in this case?

20:44 They are like headings. They're avot malacha, the major categories, and then there's things that grow out of it. They are the major categories. These twelve middle brachos, now thirteen, are the major categories. The avot for all needs that the tzibur and the yachid, the individual and the community needs. And why did they do this? Kedusha yu aruchot b'fi hakol, so that the language of davening It became no longer expressive, emotive, or a way for me to develop my relationship with Hashem through my feelings. But it became chinuch. Train yourself to know the language to speak to God. So when you're in trouble one day, or when you're in triumph one day You'll have words to say to Him, kind of the way we use tihelim. Okay? Vilam vil meduotam, and now it became something we had to learn, not something that came from the deepest recesses of my heart and I emoted and was personal each time. V'tiyet v'lat elu ha'ilgin, so that the tefillos of the Stammerers of the speech impediment people will be tefillah shleima, just as perfect katefillat baleh halashon hatsachah As the person who has a pure, beautiful davening language.

22:00 Umiqnei yanzeh, and because of this, tiknu kol habarachot batefillot misudarot b'fikol yisrael, and that's the reason we have a structured tefillah. From the Rambam, we understand that I don't even think it's a harsh word to say, but this was a tragic moment for the Jewish people. Because it meant once they structured it That the people who were the great daveners were also going to have to do this. Once it's a halacha, everybody has to do it. And those great daveners were going to learn lose some of their informality Which is very essential. Before we go on to the sources, turn to the back of this page. Very beautiful thing. I added this to the shiur when I read an article. There's a journal called Maya Note. Maya Note is a journal that's put out in Israel. I don't know if they still put it out. For many years they did, and it's of the best lessons in high schools all over the country. What teaching thing went great?

23:09 A man named Rabbi Yaakov Rothschild wrote about a tefillah class that he gave. It touched on the topic we're doing today. And he said he was learning these halachos. He got to halacha dalit of the Rambam. And a kid in his twelfth grade class raised his hand and said, "Rabbi" I know what made Israel realize this—that he needed to do this. So he was intrigued. He said, "Rabbi, you taught us." You taught us in the time that we've had you over four years. I learned two identical Gemaras from you. So if you look first at the Gemara on Shabbos V'shibat Yaniat Hasimcha, pasuk in Kohelot Simcha Shel Mitzvah. Go to the bold, the lametcha. It's to teach you she'en shchinah shara. That the shchina does not rest on somebody, out of a mood of sadness, or of laziness. V'lo mitochschook, and not out of laughter, v'lo mitochkalut rosh, and not out of lightheadedness, v'lo mitochsicha, and not out of chatter, v'lo mitochdevarim b'teilim, and not out of idle words Ella mitochdevar simcha shel mitzvah But rather it rests on a person who is in a A frame of mind of Simcha Shel Mitzvah.

24:43 What does that mean, Simcha Shel Mitzvah? What mitzvah do we usually associate with Simcha Shel Mitzvah? It's first kind of codified with Sukkot The Samachta v'Chag Echa. But Simcha Shel Mitzvah has to be litmus tested because very often we get into Simcha Shel Mitzvah. For mitzvahs that we enjoy And it's very hard to know: is your simcha coming because you're enjoying this mitzvah and having a great time at the wedding and dancing Or is your simcha coming from the mitzvah, which is you're making the kallah happy They get there's a confluence of the two things But sometimes we can litmus test it well when it's not something you're enjoying. So for me, the model is when I was 18 years old. My grandfather, my father's father. My father is an only child. My father's father died very suddenly in his sleep. He was on all eight cylinders. He had just come back from a business trip to California.

25:50 Died in his sleep. And it was zvaa in the family. It was the most terrorizing thing. He was one of these patriarchs. Everybody went to him. My father. They had moved close to us in the Bronx. My father learned with him for two to three hours every single night. So it was much more than a father-son relationship. He was an only child. My father went out in the middle of the night because he said, "I want to catch the chevra." Remember my grandfather's yerushalmi wants to bury my grandfather on a holiday with the rest of the family, and he said, "I want to get the whole thing in a yemama in twenty-four hours." That the body shouldn't be longer than that. Anyhow, he goes out. He comes back a couple hours later. He rings the bell because he forgot to bring his keys. I go to the door. My father's face is swollen like twice its size from the amount of crying he has done.

26:43 And there is a big smile on his face. So incongruous. It made me scared. I said, "Daddy, what's wrong? Why are you smiling?" And he said, 'I'm so happy.' I got the levaya at such and such a time. We're going to be able to bury him in the yamama. And I thought that is simchas matzvah. That's the mood they're talking about. That the shchina does not come unless you're in this frame of mind. Now here's Ezra and his Besdin And they are confronting a reality that they have to deal with. And that is that they're no more neviim. They have the last vestige of neviim. Nobody else is getting nevuah. It's just not happening anymore. Which means that Hashem's shchina is not resting with anyone anymore. Which means we must have lost this type of simcha shalmitzva. So then the student says to Rav Rothschild, "But don't you remember we learned another gemara? Ain om din lihit palel lomitochatslut atzlut schok sicha kalut rosh the exact same gemara that you don't get hashras hashchina."

27:56 You're not really allowed to daven. You can't really turn to Hashem unless they have that same frame of mind. So they understood: if we're losing nevuah, it must be because we don't have simcha shel mitzvah And we don't have simcha shel mitzvah, we are in danger of losing the ability to daven. Pretty good pickup for a twelfth grader. So go back. The last line in Halacha Dala, and then we'll move on. So that every bracha should be perfectly set in the mouth of the stammerer, and he shouldn't be embarrassed about his tefila. Hashem doesn't care if I stammer. But if you go to a party, you're invited to a party. And it's a really ritzy party, and you know that people are giving cars as gifts and things like that, and you come with your Barnes and Noble gift certificate. You don't want the host to open up your present in front of everybody else.

28:59 She doesn't care. She's your good friend. That's why she invited you. She knows that for you, that's a greater percentage than the car for somebody else. Of what you expended. But you are embarrassed in front of everybody else. That's what was happening to these Ilgim. They were embarrassed to go to shul where they just didn't know what to do, so they stopped going to shul. That's the human experience. So that's what it means that they want everybody to have the same tefillah, so nobody would be embarrassed. So now we have a problem. There's a halacha that I'm not really supposed to daven, certainly not Shemona Esrei. Unless I have really good kavanah. But you cannot tell me that I have to say the exact same thing three times a day, every single day of my life. And have kavanah. It's not a human capacity for most human beings.

29:53 It's not fair. So let's look at the The challenge. This is the tightrope. First story is the Yerushalmi and Brachos. Rabbi Yochanan and Rabbi Yonas, and you'll see that things are very much the same. Aslan made but Shalma ba'ayin Koraisa de'Druma. They went to make peace. There was some big argument in a town in the south of Eretz Yisrael. And they went to see if they could bring peace to the situation. Alonachad asar, so they came to a certain place. I guess it was davening time. Va'ashkechon l'chazana, and they confronted Echazon de'amar, who in his chazaras hashatz started davening, and he was in a reverie. He felt very connected to Hashem, and he started davening. He said hakel, hagadol, gibar, hanoraha, abir, v'amitz. He started adding more and more adjectives. This is a pretty famous story. V'shitkuoto, and they. Shut him down. Amrulo, they said to him, "Ein lecharashu, you have no permission." Lahosif almat be'ashtavu bo chachamim bebrachot. You can't. There's a certain imprimatur, a certain coin.

31:00 Mold that chachamim gave our tefilla. It's the same for every person. It's the same for every tefilla, and you have no right to add to it. We don't really care that you're moved to say more adjectives of avod. Most of the nosekhalim say. What's the criticism of saying more adjectives? Why do I have to start what? You never stop. Because you can never stop. So why can we stop after Hachel, Haggadol, Hanikvah, Hanorah, Hagibor, Hanorah? Because Moshe Rabbeinu did it. So I have permission for Moshe Rabbeinu, but otherwise, if I start adding, at what point will I say I said enough about God? They said you have no permission to do this. It really has to fit the structure. On the other hand, there's a Mishnah that says to us in the name of Rabbi Eliezer. Haoset Tefilato Keva, Ain Tefilato Tachanumin. Somebody who makes his davening Keva Routine, rote His davening is not the Daoraisa. Remember the Daoraisa was that it has to be in a beseeching way. You have to really be asking Like you mean it You really believe he can deliver.

32:11 And if your tefilla has become rote, so that when you get to Shmukolayni you don't remember saying any of the other brachos, you really weren't begging for anything Okay? But we need some kind of a standard because you can't expect us to be diehard kavanedik when we have to say the same thing three times a day. So they give us some standards that maybe we could live with. My keva, what's the test for stand for routine? Amr Rabbi Yaakov bar Idi, Amr Rabbi Yoshaia. The first opinion is Kol sheTzfilato dama alav kamasoi. Your Tzfila is wrote, is routine If it's a masoi. What's a masoi? A burden. Oh my gosh, Karpel's going to be here in 15 minutes, and I have to daven. Or I have this huge test, and it's Hashanah Raba davening takes forever. I'm only using examples I know from my life.

33:10 So that's the danger zone where your tefila is no longer tachanunim. Ravanan Ami is another approach among the Ravanan among Chazal. Call nishoona amra b'lashon tachanunim If you can't say it as if you're beseeching At least pronounce the words. Zugging it up When a child makes believe they're davening. You get a really good picture of what you look like when you're davening. Or making a bracha, shakunovra If you can't say it in a besee, if it doesn't sound beseeching, then that's keva. Go to the last one before we go to the third one because that's going to be what we concentrate on. Abay bar Abin, Rabbi Chanina bar Abin, the Amar Tarvayu. These two brothers, Abin's two sons, both said. Anybody who doesn't daven with the reddening of the sun—that can mean a number of things. That can mean when you see the sunset. When you see the sunrise.

34:19 I think what it really means is when you see something in nature that should move you to feel close to Hashem. But you say No, I got a minion at nine o'clock. I'm not davening now. So that means your tefilla has become routine for Rov. But I want to do the third one. Rav and Rav Yosef de Amar Tarveiher both have the same idea. Kol sheinoyachol lechadish b'adavar. You're going to say the same words, the same nosach, everything And a lot of it will sound Rov. But if once a day. You can take anywhere in your tefillah. It should be really in Shmona Esrei, but I think Hashem will give us leeway. And have it mean something today that it did not mean yesterday, and tomorrow something that it didn't mean the day before. Then that is a good enough thing for you to say that your tefillah was not keva.

35:17 It took on a new meaning. Now the rest of this is kind of the workshop part of it. I took this very seriously because I needed to, my davening was very much keva. And you can't change Rome in a day. But one ten-second period at a time makes a huge difference. I used to be able to daven shemona esrei in four minutes. My shemona esreis now are eleven minutes And it's like the best thing that ever happened to me. It didn't happen overnight. It happened little by little, only because more and more things are where I stopped for a second. Just to remember how I felt Or how somebody else made me feel at a certain point, which relates to these words. So what I'm going to do for the rest of the time we have I'm going to give you examples of that. So the sheet you have here, I'm going to get to at the very end. Most of them, I'm going to do Baal Pen now.

36:22 Let's do it. Okay. I'm going to start with brachos of Shemona Esrei and show you how kind this kind of happens for me. The first one I'm going to do is Mechayeh Hametim. Now that is not even a beracha. It's not even classically an asking bracha. But you know what? I'm going to start with Avot. Let's start with the beginning. So you don't have it on the sheets. Just listen to me. One of the things that When I started to take tefillah more seriously One of the things that bothered me was that in all of the halacha of suwarim It's very clear that if you don't have kavanah at least in avos, you're done. So I always thought that was unfair. Avos really? Tell me I have to have a kavanah in shma kolenu. I could do that, or in rufaenu, I could do that.

37:21 But in Avos, Avram Yitzchak and Yaakov, it's just thank you very much. It's very hard to be committed to Kavanah and I had a very hard time. But it was on my mind. 19 years ago, my father took all of us to Eretz Yisrael, all of my siblings to Eretz Yisrael for my mother's first year outside Which was just now, Erev Rosh Hashanah. And we went to Harzayim Visited her Lots to talk to her about. And we were all there over Shabbos now. Again, my father comes from a Yerushalmi family. The name of the family is Harlap, and my great grandfather Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Harlap was the Rav of Shirei Chesed. He was also the closest friend of Rav Kook. And there's a lot of lore about him in Eretz Yisrael. So he had a yeshiva called Beit Zvul. My father's name is Volin. That's one of the names in the family.

38:22 And every time my father went to Israel, he always davened Shabbos morning in Beit Zul. Because it made him feel close to his grandfather, whom he knew. So he announced at Friday night dinner, anybody who wants to come daven, we were in Geula, anybody who wants to come daven with me in Beit Zul tomorrow, I'm leaving at seven thirty. Meet me at wherever. I was the only one who came. Partly, I wanted to daven in Beisbol. Mostly, I loved going through the streets of Yerushalayim with my father. Everything just through, over this rock and under this hill and in somebody's backyard, and amazing. But as fast as we went, we still got there late, so I was catching up and saying Shemona Esrei. I was in the very tiny women's section, and as I was saying Zocher Chazdei Avos Umevi Guel Levne Bnei Ham. He remembers the kindnesses of the fathers and brings redemption to their children and their grandchildren.

39:26 I look up, and there's a plaque. In gratitude to my great grandfather for the chassadim he did in Shirei Chesed. And just like it was an epiphanous moment for me I can have kavanah in Avos. One day, maybe I'll get to feel this way about Avram Yitzchak and Yaakov, but I can have kavanah in those words. Ocher Chaz de'Avos. Everybody If you're a Bal Tshuva, if you no matter where you come from, everybody can think of extraordinary kindnesses of their parents or grandparents And ask Hashem to bring whatever redemption you need to you, their child, their great, their grandchild, their great grandchild. Because of that chesed, so here has they avot who may go ill and if it nehem l'man shema. That changed my avos. It's ten seconds. But they add up. Next one is machayeh hamayter. So In an encapsulated version, there was a couple in our shul.

40:37 Who were married for 13 years. They are no longer in our shul. They met Aliyah a long time ago. They were married for 13 years before they had children. They were extremely involved in the leadership of the shul and in the running of the shul. And you can imagine that it was very painful for them as their friends were making their third and fourth bar mitzvahs. That they still didn't have any children And ultimately. Science progressed. This is one of the ways that Hashem reveals Himself. And something became available to them. An infertility protocol became available that had not been available before, and they were able to conceive. So you know, I don't have to tell you in the supermarket. As soon as she's showing, everybody's talking. There is a God. Ta, and then she gives birth. And they named their daughter Orit Tachia. The light of our redemption.

41:36 And they made a dat hodaya that is like a wedding. And in that very long speech, which I have, but I'm not going to read the whole thing The father of this baby described the pain that they endured for all these years. And he goes on to explain the name. So he's we're at the part where he describes how. The Rebbeinu Sholom gave science the ability to progress and to help them And he says the rest is history. We named our daughter Oritria, Light of Our Rebirth. Long before we knew that Orit was a possibility I came across a sugya in a Daf Yomi Shira that affected me deeply. In a D'orim, we learned that there are four people who are considered to be dead: one who is without friends, one who is without money, one who is blind, and one who is without children.

42:32 I spent the next several months trying to understand my life in light of this Gemara. Did it make sense that I was to be considered dead? This difficulty led me to find a new focus in my tefilla. Among the introductory brachot of Shemona Esrei, we say, 'Vineeman ata la hachayot meitim, baruch ata Hashem v'chayeha meitim.' While this bracha is meant to be a form of praise to God for the acts of kindness that He will bestow in the time of our redemption. I focused my kavanah and all of my soul on these words as a form of request to God that He bring me back to life. He changed my decree. God heard our prayers and the prayers of those around us. Oritria was in fact the light of our rebirth. That changes your davening. If you know anybody who needs to have children, you probably all know. Think about it.

43:28 This is a place. This has become my new place to put it. Another ten seconds or fifteen seconds, and your shmonasrei is getting longer. I can do this for almost every bracha now, but I'm not going to bore you. Give you a couple more. Sorry. Um, Atach huneim. Now Atachom Nein introduces itself into our lives. That's a good bracha for most of us. It's up there with Shmalkolania because whenever you have a test Atachom Nein, we think about that. Anybody who's ever had an important Earth-shattering medical event going on And you go to a specialist Einu Einenu Lacha Uleka, we're looking at him and at God and hoping the two get together. We hope the knowledge helps us with this medical thing. But if you need to change your tefillah all the time Then you have to find new things all the time where atachom nein comes into play. So I'll give you an example where you wouldn't think it's an intellectual thing.

44:39 But this is where you can turn to this bracha. People have things like this all the time. So I have this. This goes back many years. I have six children, four are boys. Three were very athletic, and one was not at all. Very strong But very not athletic. In America, if you're a boy and not athletic It's a handicap. If you go to a summer camp. It's really bad because I don't know if they still have this practice of choosing teams. You know what I'm talking about. That's like has to be done away with. So my son, the son we're going to call him Moshe, that is not his name He's a traveler because we're not paying customers. So he travels with the bunk every day. And they're playing a basketball game, and the captains are choosing teams. And he hears it's getting down to the wire. He's not chosen yet.

45:44 And he hears one captain say to the other captain If I get Moshe, I'm quitting the captain. So my son, who is not athletic but very strong, kicked him in the shins, and he fell over because he wasn't expecting it. He comes home. He comes back to our captain because he always did. He had to hachanat time. And he was supposed to shower. And he says to me, crying, he says to me The council is not letting me back unless I write an apology. What do you have to apologize for? He tells me the whole story. And it's not fair. He was the one who was wrong. That was a disgusting thing to say. And I said, if I was his mother, I would make him apologize. But I'm going to make you apologize. You didn't. Your feelings are not wrong, but you should never let it escalate into physical fighting because somebody could really get hurt if people are allowed to do physical things. That's where your counselor is coming from. So you have to apologize that you got physical, even though you think that he did a wrong thing. That's okay.

46:56 So we work out the whole nusach. He's gonna write. He goes into his little bed in our bunk and he's gonna write his letter. It's achaan time. We have to go to dinner soon and I start davening mincha. As I'm up to atachonein. He comes from his bed. And he doesn't really care that I'm davening And he says Mommy, could you please tell me? I know we discussed this, but I can't remember. Could you remind me why it's okay for somebody to hurt somebody's heart, but it's not okay to hurt their leg? And I'm saying, 'Atach onein la adam das,' has a whole new meaning. How am I going to explain it? Not like it. I didn't have the epiphany at that moment of what to say But it opened up for me what I use atahole name for, just because of the confluence of the moment.

47:54 Give you one more from Shemona Esrei and then one before. This is probably one you don't pay attention to that much, but you will from now on. Okay, Alhatzadikim. Is that one of your best brachos? So this is a story. Everything happens in this community. Many years ago, I would say probably over twenty years ago. There was a young woman named Noa who came from Israel for cancer treatments at Sloan. She was married. She was a very unusual medical student. She had just finished all her coursework and was doing her internship. She was unusual in that she was Bais Yaakov girl from the deep of Bnei Brak But because she had cancer when she was 12 She was very motivated after that when she was cured to become a doctor because she saw the difference that doctors made in her life. She thought she could make a difference because she could talk to young women.

49:00 And she became a doctor. Shortly after she graduated from medical school and went on to her internship. She had a relapse. And they came to America to Sloan to do treatments. It was an ordeal. It was a couple of years. They had a little boy, Schneewell. And ultimately she succumbed. She was a very Unbelievably ethereal, but bone broker With the intelligence of a very educated woman. She's a pleasure to talk to. Her bitachon, I can't even begin. I don't even have words to describe it. It's very humbling, to say the least. Anyhow, he went back to Israel with his son. They started to try to rebuild their lives. And 30 days after she died was the shloshim. And his parents, who lived in America, he was a bal tshuva. They were not frum, but they decided to have in their shul, which was Lincoln Square Synagogue, in the city to have a shloshim memorial for her.

50:09 So a number of people spoke, and he sent in a recording of a speech for the occasion. He couldn't come in, but he sent in the recording. And I don't remember anything about the speech except what I'm about to tell you. He said In the end, this is the end of his speech. He said Before I finish I would like to answer a question that so many of you asked me. So many of you asked me. I don't even know how anybody asked this, but apparently they did. If you knew Why did you marry her? If you knew that she had cancer and that it can relapse, why did you marry her? And she said, "I've never." And he said, "I've never answered you, but I'm going to answer you now." I married her because every day in my davening I asked Hashem to cast my lot with somebody like her.

51:02 And give a great reward to all those who trust you really, who have real betachon. The simchal kenu imahem laolam And place our lot among them forever. I asked you I asked Hashem to place my lot with somebody like her, with her kind of betachon. And I tell you now. And he continued the bracha. And we will never be embarrassed that we had bitachon in you. I'm never going to be embarrassed that I married her. That was the nature of our bitachon and of hers, and I asked to cast my lot with her. I promise you, the next time you say "alatati kim," it will take you longer. This is what we're supposed to do with our life experiences. But it's not really just limited. To him, to Shimon Esther, it can be in every part of Davening. I want to read something to you.

52:10 Mrs. Newman, who was the principal of Berea for many, many years, began Berea High School. She was an extraordinary woman. When she stepped down from the principalship She had a beautiful speech, and she ended it with the following: Elokeinu Shema Shnasata BiTehorahhi. I'd like to end with a tefilla, which I took the liberty of paraphrasing very liberally. Elohai nishamot shenatata bi My God, the souls which You entrusted to me Tahorotena. Even when clothed in modern garb and immersed in teenaged angst, their souls are so pure. Atab ratan, ataytzartan, You God created them, You flash, You fashioned them, and planted them in New Jersey. You have blown them into my life, and while they are with me for four years, you guard them under my tutelage. You will ultimately Hashem, take them away from me as they move on in life. They will be my reward.

53:26 Those neshamos that I was involved with will be my reward. That is a different elokai nesham. One of the Chumash teachers that I worked with many years ago, Mrs. Tait Told me that every day when she turned the corner onto North Avenue She said "Vahar evna Make it sweet. Esti vei torascha, make the words of your Torah sweet in my mouth. So that my students will appreciate it. That is lechadish ba'davar. So I'm going to end with two. Some of you may remember one of these. I don't think I read the other one to you. So those of you who went to Boroia High School, how many people here are Boroia graduates? So I had this annoying exit thing for my class. Everybody had to write an essay about a life experience, which because of this life experience. They see a pasuk, a parak, something in Tehillim in a way that nobody else sees it. They understand it in a way that nobody else sees it.

54:36 So there are a lot of extraordinary things that I got over the years. The first time I did it, I didn't know what I was expecting, and then I said I would never stop because I got such good things. So I'm going to share two of them with you tonight. One of them has to do with Yom Kippur, but the first one is just cute. This is from Perik Lamid and Tehillim. This is one of the parakim we know by heart because we say it at the beginning of Shachris, right before Baruch Shemar. Hafacta mispedil l'macholi. What does that mean? You actually have it on your thing. Do you have it here? Number ten. Hafacta mispedil l'macholi. You transformed my eulogy into dance for me. Now that obviously can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Here is what it meant to one person. How she lachadesh ba'davar.

55:27 On a Sunday Tuesday morning in the middle of September 2001, I am at Quick Check buying a card with monkeys on the cover. It is my father's birthday, and the chocolate cake is melting in the freezer because somebody has left the door open. Perhaps the same somebody who has forgotten that my father hates chocolate ice cream. It is not me, in any way. I'm late for school. I pay for the card and run out to my dad's car. Paul Simon is playing on the speakers, and I am sitting on the birthday card so that Daddy won't see it. Nothing is a surprise when you are ten, and Daddy is driving the car. The late bell is already ringing when we arrive at school. I run into class, stub my toe on the front door, forget my backpack, hop back to the car for it, and then speed with all crazy haste to homeroom. It is when I finally sit down at the first desk, two rows over from the door, that I realize I have forgotten to wish my father a happy birthday.

56:17 At 9:13 a.m., the principal interrupts Mrs. Smith's discourse on the scant divisional capabilities of the number seven. He announces that there has been an accident in New York. That we should not worry. That everything will sort itself out. But we should be aware that something has happened. When he leaves, Mrs. Smith tells us the details. She thinks that fifth graders can handle them. She says that 19 Al Qaeda terrorists have hijacked four commercial jet planes and have intentionally crashed two of them into the World Trade Center buildings. My dad is in the World Trade Center. My dad is in the center. I am in school. And tears are on my cheeks. The chocolate cake is in the freezer. I do not know that he is going to be able to eat it. His birthday may turn into his memorial. I get home early at 1:15 by carpool.

57:05 The house is empty but for me and my sisters. We watch the news because that is the only thing on TV this afternoon, and we do not yet have cable. Two hours later, a car stops in front of my house. Only my mom is at the front door. A lifetime later, I hear a knock on the back door. It is 7:28 p.m. and Daddy is covered in soot and scrapes. The door sticks. The chain is broken. His body is covered in soot. I hug him, and his face crumbles. On September 11, 2001, my father almost dies. When he finally walks through the back door, my fear and sadness transform into excitement and happiness. Hafta mispadi lemacholi. You turn my yudlidi into dance. V'chadeish ba'davar. I'll read one more, and then we'll get back to your grids very quickly. This was written by a Tainac girl.

58:01 Tehila Brander. Do you know her? She lived in Florida before she came to Tainac. Kol ra'amcha ba'galgal. The voice of your thunder was in the whirlwind. Heiru Brachim Tevel The lightnings lit up the world. Bragza Batir Asha Ames, the earth trembled and shook. Yom Kippur is a day when you can sense fear and intensity in almost every shul. Yet for me, one Yom Kippur was different from the rest. On that Yom Kippur, we did not daven in a shul the whole day, and the most powerful moments were not necessarily the times that I spent davening. But those when I spent listening. Our year of tshuva had started like all the others, except for the nagging weather forecaster who warned us all of a storm off of some coast in the middle of some ocean. As Yom Kippur neared, so did the storm. As the desire to do tshuva strengthened, so did the storm.

58:58 And finally, it was ere of Yom Kippur, and we were preparing not only for Yom Hadin, but for an out-and-out hurricane. On Yom Kippur day, the hurricane had just begun. There were rain showers, and it was beginning to get windy. At one point during Musaf, my father, who was the Rebbe of Shul, announced that all mothers with strollers should go home immediately because soon as the winds gathered force, we would no longer be able to rely on the Arev. As Musaf came to a close, we continued into Mincha, knowing that later we would be unable to return to Shul. For that reason, it was decided that in every cul-de-sac there would be a minyan, and machzorim were deposited in each of these homes. They would house Neila and Maariv minyanim. My house was chosen as the venue for one of these makeshift batay knesset. The day became darker, not only due to the hour, but also because the storm was intensifying. Slowly, despite the thunder, lightning, and deafening howls of the winds, neighbors began to fight their way to our house. Men and women came, to the point that when we were ready to start, we had enough people to have a Spartan minion in our dining room, with their women section in the kitchen, and an Ashkenazi minion in the living room, with the women section in my father's office.

1:00:09 I davened with the Ashkenazi minion and while we prayed We all felt the awe of Yom Kippur. Amplified by the circumstances, watching the chazan bellow to compete with the rumbling claps of thunder and roaring wind made us really feel that we were fighting for our lives. Suddenly, there was a resounding boom. The floor shook, the lights blinked and went out. It wasn't pitch black, as I could still see the forms of those near me. But none of us could read the words of our ma'asars. We sat in silence, astounded by the power of what was raging outside. Though we were not davening in the formal sense Everyone in the room felt Hashem's presence so intensely. Everyone experienced the fear and awe of Yom Kippur in a real way. Had we not just said the ancient, relevant words: "Who by water and who by fire, who by storm?"

1:01:00 Soon, fervent chanting from the living room broke our silence. The svardim, who davened everything out loud, had memorized the Yom Kippur tzfela and were continuing to daven. Though I sat quietly, I could practically feel Hashem's judgment. And while the lights went back on and that Yom Kippur passed on as all the others, whenever I read the words of David Hamelach, Kol Amcha BaGalgal, the rumble of your thunder was in the wind; Hayu Brakim Tevel, lightning bolts lit up your world; Ragzav Atir Asha Hares The earth trembled and shook. I am brought back to that unique Yom Hadin. When I watched a community fight against these displays of power to plead for a little more forgiveness and pity, a community which prayed in darkness as it urgently bargained for a year of light. Changes of pasuk. Take out your grids and hold them up. Hold them up.

1:01:57 No embarrassment. Everybody hold them up. Are they the same or are they different? That is the exact correct answer. They are not the same as each other But they are all the same. That's what the structured tefillah is supposed to do. Would you have preferred if I came in here and said, 'Fill the grid'? Nobody would have preferred that because we were illegim. We don't know how to do it. But you got instructions. There was still room for creativity. There was still room for personal. But we all have grids, and I'll tell you something else: we don't have the room to do this now. If I take all your grids and put them together We would have something like a quilt, and they would all look different, but like they belonged because they have enough in common. And that is another shear about Tefillah B'Tzibur.

1:02:54 When we come together with all our personal things and all our personal strengths We create a tapestry that really looks very beautiful and very unified. Have a wonderful, wonderful Yom Kippur. My mother used to give me my new dress. Everybody else got their new dress for Rosh Hashanah or Purim. My sisters and I got our new dress for Yom Kippur, and it was very annoying because you didn't have tables and friends and everything to go around and show off your new dress to. And I once confronted my mother and I said, "Why do you do that? Why can't we just already have it for Rosh Hashanah?" And she said, "Because I need you to know that Yom Kippur is a yamtuf." And I said it is not a yom tov, and I started ticking off the names of all the people in shul, the ladies in shul who cry their eyes out all yom kippur. And she said you're so confused. It's such a serious day, but it's a happy day because we get a day when Hashem wants us back. Should have kapala satfilos to tova. Should have a beautiful year, bifrat or bichlal. And thank you for coming.