Shavuos - Ladies First (A Lesson in Raising Children)

2:09 And even before we say any of the Torah tonight, which I think is deeply relevant to this topic. There's a difference between excitement and inspiration. People say inspiration never lasts. And that's wrong. Inspiration is the only thing that lasts. There's a difference between excitement and inspiration. Excitement is, there was a beautiful brang in a tish. It comes, it's a beautiful Shabbos. That's excitement. And excitement comes and goes. Sometimes we're in the mood, sometimes we're less in the mood. But inspiration is. Education is in nature. Inspiration is something that changes the way we see the world, and once we see the world in that way, we can no longer unsee it. And it's sad that people conflate inspiration and excitement because it prevents them from getting real inspiration. And I think that the Chizuk Mission is an institution of real inspiration. It's not just that I went to Eretz Israel for another tour for a photo op.

3:05 It's I've been not again. I'm only a speaker and I don't get paid. I'm not part of the organization. I'm just a fan. But I am a fan I am a fan in a very real way because I see what it's capable of doing and I see the people that go on and how they come back and their continued commitment to growth. And so I want to start off by thanking you tonight not because you opened your home for another sheer but because. This is a movement that needs to expand throughout all of America and here in Los Angeles I think we have a lot to benefit from in the Chizuk Mission And it should be a shlosh for you and your family. It should be a tremendous thing for the community. And the inspiration that hopefully comes out of this night, beis Hashem, this is the first of many. I think it's something that really could light this community on fire.

3:54 Not again, not to say Chas Sholm that it's not on fire. It is, of course, every community is beautiful. But there are levels; these things exist on a spectrum. So I want to share I believe in the power of honesty I believe in the power of vulnerability. This was put together in a very last minute way. All holy things have to come into the world in very strange ways because otherwise the satan has the ability to take them down. So I want to share with you how last minute this was put together. Hurst messaged me and said, 'Can you give a sheer?' She said, "I said sure." She said, "What? What's the topic?" I said, "I don't know. You just asked me, so I don't know what the topic is." And I try very hard not to give the same shear twice, even though on some level all the shears are really the same, but I do try to prepare every single shear fresh.

4:46 And so I said,"I don't know. Just make up like a general topic on Shavuos." You know, talking about like you know like I'm gonna tell you like a pro tip: rabbis don't pay attention to the topics that they're given. If you ever notice, the topic on the board is loosely connected to what the rabbi says. There's one line that ties it in. And I figured, okay, just do that, say something about preparing for Shavuos. That's a nice generic topic. Nobody will know what it means. I could speak about whatever I want, and then you sent me this very specific flyer, about the role of women in Matan Torah. Ladies first. This is where it started. I'm not sure exactly what you want me to do with this. I can't give a she'er on Rav Shimbar Yochai and Rav Akiva now. This is not like. But Baruch Hashem, as I started to look into this segul a little bit more, there is a lot to say on this topic, and I even messaged Mr. Sershon. I was like, did you do that on purpose? You just wanted it to be this very specific she'er. So I don't know if what I'm going to say is what you had in mind.

5:55 I see that you had a very special type of prophecy that Hashem sent you, a little bit of a ruach hakodesh. Of knowing that this Torah would need to be brought into the world tonight. Thank you very much for that. The pasuk says, I'll read it first in Hebrew, I'll translate it into English. And Moshe, Allah, El Ha Elokim, vayikra Elov Hashem in ahar lemor ko tomar lebeis Yaakov v'tagid levenay Yisrael. Moshe ascended to God. And the Lord called to him from the mountain. And this is what Hashem said: He said, 'So shall you say to beis Yaakov, to the house of Yaakov' And tell the sons of Israel. These are some unusual words here that need to be understood. Rashi and several others will help us understand exactly what these words mean. But the first word is "kotomar." So shall you say? So shall you say? This is what God said to Moshe.

6:55 "Be l'ushen hazeh, the kaseh there hazeh." Rashi explains. Rashi says as follows: In this language and in this order, and this is very specific. This "kotomar." So shall you say? What I'm about to tell you. You do it. You're going to use this exact language. We'll see what that means in a moment, and you're going to do it in this order. We'll see what that means in a moment. What does Beis Yaakov mean? What does the house of Yaakov mean? We all know what Beis Yaakov means. Beis Yaakov is girls' schools. But before Beis Yaakov was named Beis Yaakov, it was a Rashi and Chumash. Beis Yaakov, Rashi says, "Elo anashim, these are the women." Tomer lehem belosh and rakah, speak to them softly. That's one piece. So now we know. Kotamar, shall you say in this language and in this order? To whom? To the women. How shall you speak to the women? Softly. This is what Rashi says.

7:50 V'tagid levnei Yisrael. And what does it mean to tell the sons of Israel? This is where it gets a little intense. Rashi says Anoshim v'tekdukem parish le'scharim. All the punishments and all the details. That's what you're going to say to the men. Dvarim hakoshim kigidin, the things that are harsh, like wormwood. So this is how Rashi explains the pasuk. Moshe goes up to the mountain. Hashem says to him "So shall you tell Klal Yisrael in this language and in this order." What does this language mean? What does this order mean? This language means first speak to the women softly. Secondly, speak to the men harshly. See, it's not so easy to be a man. Moshe Rabbeinu is already yelling at us. First thing. These ideas, at first glance, appear to be somewhat simple until we start to examine them a little bit deeper. The first question is a technical question, but it's really not just a technical question because it's going to yield a tremendous concept in chinuch to us.

8:57 If you know anything about Hebrew grammar, I would expect very few of us know anything about Hebrew grammar. So Rashi here tells us that when it says v'tagid lebnei Yisrael And tell the sons of Israel. What did Rashi just say? Not the women. But the men. The problem is that that's lashon keva, that's female language. It should have said if it was speaking to men, it should have said v'yagid lebnei Yisrael, not v'tagid lebnei Yisrael. So it's interesting. Rashi here is putting this big emphasis. First, speak to the women. Speak to them softly. Second, speak to the men. Speak to them harshly. But the language that's used is feminine language and not masculine language. It's the question of the mashia. It's a good question to start with. It's a technical question. There's a second question that comes from outside of Rashi, but a very important question. Up until now, Rashi said emor, when we have this idea of.

9:56 Of Ko Tomar Lebes Yaakov Tomar from the Loshon of Emor to speak Rashi says to speak means to speak softly But if you take a look in the Mechelta, the rabbis of the Mechelta said Emor means Raka. It means speak softly. What does speak softly mean? Not speak gently. It means give them the general principles, and then the women. If you give them the general principles, they'll understand the specifics. That's what the Mechelta says. The question is: Is there any connection between these two things, or are these two totally random approaches? Rashi says it means speak gently. And the Mechilta is saying speak gently means speak to them in a way, speak to the women in a way where you're giving them the general concepts and they'll understand the specifics. First of all, that needs to be understood. What does that mean? Just because someone tells you the general Then you all of a sudden understand the specifics? By the way, if that was true, it would answer a question that I've had for many years.

10:54 Which is why women think that men understand what they meant. Because I know that sometimes my wife tells me to do something. I'm like, you didn't tell me to do this. She's like, I told you to do this. Obviously, you should do that. I don't get that obviously move, but maybe there is something to say that the mechilta is saying that if you that women when they speak to each other speak to them each other in general principles and they understand the specifics. If that's the case, it's beautiful. It answers a lot of questions. I'm not sure that's what it means. But either way, I have this problem. What does it have to do with speaking softly? I would imagine speaking softly means Like one of those types of rabbim. Talking about that guy. A very gentle, nice one of the nicer rabbim. I don't know.

11:41 My rabbis weren't like that. Fire and brimstone. That's for men. But it seems that the Mechilta understood this idea of speaking softly differently. Why do the women go first? And that's of course what you meant when you wrote "ladies first," right? The concept of ladies first was first seen at Har Sinai. So the Medrash here brings down several reasons why women go first. The first two are interesting. Women in general are have more alacrity; they have more zrisus when it comes to doing mitzvot. They run to do a mitzvah. The second one is that women are responsible for leading the children in the path of Torah. So they go first again. A very beautiful reason. I like the third one the best. What happened to Adam and Chava? Hashem went to Adam and said, "Don't eat from the tree." Adam went to Chava and said, "Don't eat from the tree. Don't even touch it."

12:38 " She touched the tree, right? The Nachash pushed her into the tree. She touched the tree. Nothing happened. So she said, "Oh, we can eat from the tree." So the Medrash says, "From here we learn you have to tell the women first." Because the men inevitably will mess up the message. That's what the midrash says. A lot of people think the Torah is sexist towards women. I'm starting to get the opposite feeling. It doesn't speak very highly of us, even. So that's what the midrash says. It's hard to understand why these things are really relevant at all. What's the connection between any of these things? But you find in several places the idea that women lead men. Women lead men. This might not be new for you, but for me it's a little new. I know there are women going. We just don't say it out loud, so that you don't start thinking that we're not doing it. But it's actually a Perket der Velazer that says that it's natural for men to follow the path of women. And there's a beautiful Medrash and Bereishis Rabba. The Medrash tells the story of a righteous man and a righteous woman that married each other.

13:39 And unfortunately, they couldn't have children, and so after a certain amount of time, legally one is allowed to get divorced from their spouse if they don't have children. Of course, you don't have to And we know of many cases where people didn't, including the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Zecharia Kavroch, who was married to his wife for many years and was never zocheh to have children. But in this case, they did decide to get divorced. But the Medrash says a fascinating thing. The Medrash says that the man married a wicked woman. And became wicked. The woman married a wicked man, but the man changed and became righteous. This is what the Medrash says. So you see the idea that women go first because women somehow naturally lead men. They're designed to lead men. We don't put men first. They're going to mess up the message. We see this idea in Chazal. Personally, I'm bothered by this. This needs to be understood in a deep way. What does that mean that women are naturally supposed to lead the men?

14:41 Necessarily think that that's the case. Sometimes men lead. Sometimes women lead. If the rabbis are telling us something like this, it means they're telling it to us for a deep reason, and that reason needs to be understood. Those are all the questions we're going to ask tonight. Now I want to take a little bit of a deep dive into the world of Kabbalah and how the world was created. There's a There's a concept called a kav. Which is a ray of light And there's a concept called a makom panui. A makom panui is a vacuum, a place where there is nothing. And so in Kabbalah, when it describes how Hashem Baruch Hu created the world, it's a fascinating idea. What Hashem did is he shined this ray of light. Into this vacuum where he is not, we'll see what that means in a moment. And in that space where God is not, in that vacuum, that ray of light created existence as we know it. That's how it's described.

15:48 Now these things obviously have deep symbolic meaning, and they need to be understood in a very deep way. I made a bracha already. I drank from this once. I drank from it already. What does this mean, this ray of light, and what does it mean, this makom panay, this vacuum? But before we answer that question, what's very interesting is in Kabbalah we find that even before the creation of the world This is where male and female come from. Male is that ray of light, and female is that vacuous space. This again also needs to be understood in a very deep way. The problem philosophically with what we just described is that it's impossible to say that there's a place that's devoid of God. That doesn't make any sense. You can't say I want to just be clear. It would be an impossible thing to say that when God created the world, He pulled Himself back so that there's a space where there's nothing, meaning devoid of His presence, and in that space there's the creation of the world. That cannot be. If God is infinite, then by definition, there can be no place where He isn't.

17:07 So far, so good. That like that has to be basic. What does this vacuous space mean? The Mekubalim, the great philosophers of throughout time, explained as follows. They said, in this makom panu, in this vacuum, in this space where Hashem isn't, He also is. That was their answer to the question. That the nature of God pulling Himself back to create that vacuum meant that there is a place where the appearance is that it's devoid of God. But of course there is a godly aspect to that place because there can be no place that's devoid of God. So we have some sort of very thin slice. It's very hard to understand this, maybe even impossible. The kav of light we understand—that's the godly light that comes into this space. But the space itself is somehow both devoid of godliness and filled with godliness at exactly the same moment.

18:10 This is how it's described. This gives us a fundamental insight into the nature of male and female. We'll start with the female first. I think we all know probably that the idea in Judaism. That when I say male, female, I don't mean men and women. There are men that are more female in nature. There are women that are more masculine in nature. Here I'm speaking about movements. I'm not speaking about biology. And as a total aside, by the way, these concepts are super important, especially in today's day and age. Where the question exists of what is male and what is female, Judaism has a lot to say on this topic beyond just the biology, and it's important for us to be well versed in these kabbalistic concepts because for us it adds a richness to the conversation that allows us to teach the world something that perhaps it doesn't yet know. The idea of masculine and feminine energies—that's really what we're speaking about over here.

19:18 So we'll start with the feminine side because that's the more difficult side to understand. What does it mean when we say that there's a feminine nurturing capacity? What exactly does that mean? It's an interesting thing. I'm blessed. I have six wonderful children and a grandchild now. And I see in my home that there's a type of nurturing that my wife engages in. That's very different than the way that I relate to my children. And I don't just mean in a male-female way. What's the real idea of nurturing? Because that word is a it's you could throw that word around like a woman is a nurturer, and a man is not as nurturing. But what does that word need to be unpacked? What does it mean to be nurturing? The best way, and I'll try to bring an example in a moment, but the best way that I can explain it goes something like this.

20:16 When we see our children There's an absence within our children. There's something that they are not There's something. You see a little kid. There's something that they are not And what we want to do is develop them into something that they are. So there's two ways of doing that. The masculine way, we would call that sort of like. Putting our imprint upon the child The idea of nurturing is the discovery of something. Again, these words might not make sense at first, but we'll talk around it and hopefully fall into it. The feminine nurturing in the Torah is in the space of absence, discovering presence. And this is a very deep, sophisticated idea. And I'm going to say the words again, and then I'll give you an example of this. In the space of absence, in the space of lack, where there appears to be nothing It's the discovery that there is something there, and the nurturing of what is in the space of what isn't.

21:27 What would be a good example of this? A good example of this would be as follows: You have a child And let's say the child is, let's say the child is ADHD. They've given the child the letters. Once they give the letters, they They give them the meds and they Send them off. See, it's deeply triggering for me. But say there, we can talk about it if you'd like. The idea that the child in some way there's an absence. So what would the masculine energy in this case be? The masculine energy would be to sit down with one's third daughter. I'm not saying a very specific daughter, just having to do with it. And for the father to say. You need to listen to this teacher, behave, and do not get in trouble. So it's sort of like the man explaining to the daughter this is the way of the world. It's a very external type of imprint. This is what you need to do. It's bound by rules and regulations.

22:30 The feminine energy would be very different. The feminine energy would be to sit within that space of that lack. Allow the child to explore that lack. Allow the child to be as they are within that space. And the discovery of self that occurs within that sitting in that space And then for the child to discover that within that lack, within that space where they feel like it's not okay. To discover that there is something okay within that space, to discover a talent that already existed within that space. For example, that ADHD child. If they're sitting with the father who says, 'Look, this is very simple. You need to behave in class. Period. End. Fine.' If they're sitting with the feminine energy, it would be to allow for that child to say, 'It's really hard for me to sit still.' And it's really hard that I keep getting in trouble for not sitting still.

23:32 And the truth of the matter is, again, obviously the little kid's not going to be able to articulate this. But let's say there was a high level of articulation, the kid would say, "And I'm feeling less than" And I'm feeling different. And I'm feeling like I'm not welcome in this class. I'm feeling like I'm an annoying person. And I'm trying to be. Socially appropriate, but I don't always get it fast. Some kids just seem to naturally get it, and some kids just blurt out that totally inappropriate thing. They're constantly making that bracha of putting their foot in their mouth. And they're experiencing all of that lack, and the space that's created by the mother who's sitting with that child. Is a totally safe space This is exactly how you're allowed to be. You are, and that's okay. But then something else comes from that space. After all is said and done, all the pain that child expressed If you allow the child to talk for long enough, and I don't just mean in one session, sometimes this could take months or even years.

24:38 Within that space of I'm less than, within that space of I'm different, within that space of I'm not welcome, I feel like I'm annoying. I don't always know what's socially appropriate, and I'm doubting myself fundamentally. Am I capable of being like everybody else? There's the discovery eventually, the discovery that I am okay, that I'm not defined by the fact that I have this type of energy, that perhaps this type of energy is my greatest superpower, that I discover that I'm not defined by my lowest moments, and that the thing that you think defines success doesn't define success at all. And when the child comes to that on their own The growth that occurs is so significantly larger than the father who just said you have to pay attention in class and you have to sit still because I'm tired of getting the phone calls from your teachers.

25:30 Does that make sense? Right. So I'll share with you a story. I shouldn't I shouldn't share the story, but it's an amazing story. When I was in high school So I was that impulsive ADHD kid. And. It's a terrible story. I shouldn't tell the story. I'm going to tell it to you, but it's a terrible story. I can't believe I'm going to tell the story. This is part of the ADHD, by the way. I have no control over what's about to happen. I already know that this impulsive decision is a bad one, but I'm too far in to stop now. So we had a rebbi who was our first period rebbi and then the second period rebbi. The first period rebbi was the rushmasifta. He was the head of the whole school. And the second period, Rabbi was really only there because since he was our first period, Rabbi was in charge of the whole school. He wanted to still teach.

26:27 But you have to run the school, so you get your hour of teaching and then you go run the school. So that was us. The second period, Rabbi was known to be a liar. And we knew that ninety percent of the things he was saying were totally made up. He just talked, and we were kind of like, okay, it's funny, he's. But he just says things, and we knew they had no basis in reality. It got to the point where he would quote different kumaras. We knew he was making them up, and there was this brilliant kid in class who would go look them up, and they just weren't there. He's like, oh yeah, it's this Tosas. He went through the entire mezada. There's no Tosas like that in the entire mezada. And in fact, in the debate team, they used this rabbi's name. Whenever they were lying in the debate team because they didn't do the research, they would be like eminent professor of psychology, doctor, whatever, and it was his name because they were like, hey, if we're gonna lie, we may as well use this rabbi's name. It was like the biggest joke in the school.

27:22 So one morning, the Rashmasifta tells us in our period He said. He said when I was in high school, I had a rebbe who was a liar for a teacher. And everyone's snickering under their breath because so do we. Next period. And he goes. You know what I did. One day I told the Rebbe, "Isn't there like a chuvas ha'grazam that goes against this?" The Rashmeshifta's name was Rav Zev Mayer, so he made up this sefer, this book called Hagon Rav Zev Mayer. The genius Rav Zev Mayer was him. And he quoted it. And he goes, and the Rebbe pretended to know it, and it was such a great prank. That was a terrible idea because I'm this ADHD tenth grade kid who's going like it's awesome. I'm going to do that next period. So next period comes This is terrible. Next period comes And the Rebbe said it was like the first thing he goes. The Mishnah Berurah says this. I said Rebbe, doesn't that go against the Shuvas Hagramtzi? My Hebrew name is Mordechai Tzvi Moshiachov Ben Ali Melech Mayor Izr Hallelu.

28:33 Why do I have a lot of names? That's a different trauma. You could ask my parents. It's my Hebrew name. So I said, Rabbi, doesn't that go against the Chuvasagramtzi? And the Rabbi, without batting an eye, goes, I've seen that Chuvasagramtzi many times. I've never understood it. The whole class bursts out laughing. And he has no idea what I've done, but he knows I did something. He goes, Berg, get out. Go to Rabbi Friedman. Perfect. That's exactly what I wanted. So I went downstairs. I knocked on Rabbi Friedman's door. He said, 'Come in.' I walked in. I said I got thrown out of class. He goes, 'Why would you do that?' I didn't do anything. I just told him. I told the Rebbe that it goes against the Shuvah Sagram Sme. And then he said, 'Yeah, I know. I've seen it. I've never understood it before.' And then everyone started laughing, and then he threw me out. So now I've got the Russian Sifte exactly where I want him. Because what's he going to do? He gave me that medicine. You know what I'm saying? I'll never get the look on his face. He went like this. First he goes like this.

29:30 Then he looks at me. He goes, "That was not the point of that story." I'm like, "Wasn't it though?" And then I only had one tactical error. It was a brilliant move. There was only one mistake that I made. I should have waited one week. Why? Because parent teacher conferences were in less than a week. So you like play like if you're gonna mess with the rabbi, so you mess with them right after parent teacher conferences. You don't do it like the day of because you know the report's gonna be bad. Honey, we've done this before. So what do you do if you're a tenth grader? So you start, you have to prepare the ground. You know what I'm talking about? So you start telling your parents a couple days beforehand. You go, just so you know, nobody likes this rabbit, right? And he really doesn't like me, and I don't even know why. I don't even do anything.

30:25 You know what I'm saying? Like and like you know, my mom's been around the block. She knows who her kid is more or less. And then she's like, because I was the kid growing up that the teacher was like, he has a lot of potential. Potential means your son is doing nothing. So I'm preparing the groundwork. If you're smart, you know what to do. If you're smart, when your parents come home from parent teacher conferences, you fake being asleep. Because whatever has to be said is better twelve hours later. As you're leaving for school, what's my mother going to do with me? I got to go. I can't be late to school. I got to go to school. So she's like, we're going to talk about this later. She's like, look, later's 24 hours. I'll be fine by 24 hours. And if you're really smart, which I was, because I knew this was going to hit the fan. I knew I was in big trouble. I already made up that the following night after parent-teacher conferences, I was going to a friend's house to study because I'm very diligent and I needed to make sure.

31:27 So I had arranged it beforehand. I was going to Josh's house. Mom, as I figured, I've got 48 hours, right? She's going to say something as I'm leaving the door, and I'll be 10 minutes. It'll be unpleasant, but I'll be out of there in school. The next night, I'll be at my friend Josh's house. I've got 48 hours until she could sit with me. I don't care what I did. 48 hours is fine. Mom, you'll calm down. My parents get very upset right away, and then it's like, okay, forget it. So I've got this all planned. You remember? When they used to have televisions, like the boxes. Today it's all screens, but there used to be televisions. I had one in my room, and I heard the garage door opening up. You feel the vibrations in the house. I quickly turned off the television. I quickly turned off the lights, and I'm in bed and I'm sleeping. My father and mother walk in. My father My mother was pretty gullible. My father knew right away. So my father walks in and says, "Get up! I know you're not sleeping."

32:22 But it's denied till you die. I'm in too deep, so I rolled over and I'm like, "What?" He said, "I know you're not sleeping." I said, "I don't know. I just fell asleep earlier. I was studying." And now I realize I'm done because they got me now. I'm in the room. It's ten o'clock at night. I can't go anywhere. My whole plan for a ten minute move is gone. So I roll over and I pretend like I'm still halfway. But I see the strangest thing. My mom and my dad are laughing. They're smiling. And I realized I'm in big trouble because if they're laughing That's a problem. If it's so bad that they're not angry, I don't know what just happened. Keep in mind, I already been thrown out of school in fifth grade, so this is like I'm kind of preparing for the worst at this point.

33:11 And my father sits down on the bed and he goes, I got to tell you the funniest story. We walked into your rabbi and we were preparing for bad because you had been preparing us that he didn't like you. And the first thing he says, he goes, "You're the spitting image of your son. You have to tell me who you are. You look exactly like your son." And my parents are like, they sit down And he starts going off on me. You don't understand your son. He's got such serious problems. He's doing drugs. He's drinking. He's partying. And my mother is like my great defender. My whole life, she's like it just doesn't sound like my son. And the Rebbe is like you, it's such an important time. You have to really make sure that you're focused on getting him help. Because if you deny that he has a problem right now, this is going to get much worse before it gets better. And he's really giving him my mother's like it just doesn't sound like my son. And my father's like I don't know, maybe it is. You know, and they're going back and forth. And my mother is defending me. God bless her soul, she's always defending me. She's defending me and defending me.

34:16 And finally, I grew. I didn't grow up as Mordechai Berg. I grew up as Matt Berg from the Five Towns. So finally, my mother said to me. My mother said to the Rebbe, she goes, "It just doesn't sound like Matt." And the Rebbe turned red in the face. He said, "I thought you were a Kiva's parents." And then he gave me the best report ever because he felt so stupid that he just accused me of drugs and alcohol and partying. And by the way, Kiva's a tremendous talmudachem today, and the Rebbe's report was spot on about him. He's like really a world class rub But I got off scot free. It was amazing. My father was like, "You don't understand what you dodged a bullet." I'm like, "Oh yeah, and I don't have to study tomorrow night." The test got canceled. It's a joke, but it's not a joke. It's a great maestro, but I want you to know it hurt me very much.

35:11 I deserved everything I got from that Rebbe because I definitely embarrassed him, Barab. There's no question about it. But if I'm being honest with you, and I believe in the power of vulnerability, growing up with this—like you're the ADHD kid, you're the impulsive kid, you're the kid that'll do anything. The feedback that you get from that is pretty harsh. It's not a pleasant thing at all, and it's a joke, and it's okay. I'm like a grandfather now, it's okay to joke about it. But it did hurt for a very long time, and the truth of the matter is that if I'm being honest with myself Probably for a long time, even when I was married, I was acting from that place of the pain of being that kid. And having been labeled as that kid and spoken about in that way And I have no complaints. I had amazing rebbeim. I have amazing parents. But I think that if I would have grown up today.

36:02 I'd like to think that today there would have been a rebbe, and I think we see this as it's a lot. It's happening in the world. People like Daniel Kalish are leading the way in this regard. Of giving space for children To express I'm hurt. It's really hard to be this kid. It's really hard to be pushed away. And in allowing these kids to say those words, words that again, who was speaking this way in the '90s? There was nobody actually doing chinuch in this way. This is such a revolution. The things that are happening today, this feminine type of education, it's so important for these kids. I never had that. I was the kid that got rejected from Mevaseret the first time around. I blew my interview so badly. The yeshiva wanted nothing to do with me. You carry that pain around. Even though it was like, I was expelled in fifth grade, and it's like a joke. Rebbe, what could you possibly have done in fifth grade to get expelled? And the truth is, nothing so bad. But you carry that pain around with you.

37:06 And the only way to excise that pain is to have this space where there's this void of who you are, this negativity, and you're allowed to embrace all aspects of that negativity, and then discover the positivity that's within that. It's very important. Chinuch model—it's a feminine Chinuch model—and I think that if we start to think deeply about this, this is really what in Kabbalah is being described as the creation of the world—a place where there's a total void, and at the same time, a place where there is godliness—and it's not a contradiction to each other. The godliness is found within the void; the void is found within the godliness. The absence, the lack of our children, is also the space of our children's greatness. Those are not two separate movements. Those are the same movement. The thing that drives us crazy about our children is also the thing that will make our children great.

38:03 And giving them the space to express both sides of that—the void and the godliness—that they find, the strength and the absence of strength—is an important part of the beginning of the parental process. Before that cub of light comes down, before that masculine energy of light comes down into that void, the void exists in its duality, in its paradoxical duality of absence and presence at once. And that has to come first. The masculine energy of imprinting godliness within this space can only come where there's an absence and a presence of godliness first. If we start to unpack. What we learned before, I think the questions that we ask become self-explanatory. It says, "Kotomar lebeis Yaakov v'tagid lebnei Yisrael." V'tagid lebnei Yisrael, we expressed shouldn't be v'tagid; it should be v'yagid, right? Should be masculine energy. But it's not true. The masculine energy of I'm putting my imprint on something. These are the rules, the regulations, the boundaries of the relationship. That's what Rashi described. That's what men have: the harshness. These are the punishments. You do something wrong. Every action has consequences. My mother's going to be so sad if she listens to this. Growing up, if you have an ADHD child, you know what your mantra has to be. Your actions have consequences. My mother used to say that to me all the time.

39:23 So I'm going to say it now. This mom. If you're listening to this recording, it's in your schuz. The masculine energy in a relationship is the harshness of there are consequences to your actions. These are the boundaries of a relationship. This where we exist. It's rigid. There's a rigidity to it. It's supposed to be rigid. All rules, all relationships have rules that are rigid. We're married. You cannot be with anybody else. That's the nature of marriage. These are rigid rules. But within the rigidity of these rules, within the harshness of these rules, what is Rashi telling us? Rashi is telling us even that comes with a feminine energy. It's not vayagid. It's vatagiv. It's not a masculine punch in the face. These are the rules. It's a feminine. These are the rules. These rules will allow you to explore your truest self. And the truth of the matter is that we need that.

40:16 There's a movement today. Again, this is a very 2024 movement. The movement of you could do whatever you want. There's no boundaries. There's no rules. Again, I don't want to say any more specific than that. But we can all, you guys are out here in LA. I'm in Yavin. There's no rules anymore. And the idea that there'll be self-discovery when there's no rules is not true. Self-discovery comes within boundaries. That's why I don't know if they plant trees here in Los Angeles, but in Eretz Yisrael, there's always trees being planted because any time they're building these The apartment buildings, so they have to put those, if you've been to Israel, like those five token trees on the block. So I'll tell you why there's only five because Israeli children rip them down. There were amazing amounts of trees on my block when they first built it, and I literally would see little Israeli kids just walking away with the trees. I'm like, I know Lag BaOmer is coming up, but we just planted that, and the kid looked at me and he's like, 'So?' He's just like, 'It's an amazing thing.' Only very few trees survive, but if you look at the trees in Eretz Israel, they all have trellises around them. They all have like those metal trellises around the trees.

41:19 Why do they have that? Because if you don't have that, the trees literally will grow sideways. Because the tree naturally grows towards the sunlight. That's what a tree does. And so sometimes in Israel you'll see these really old trees. That's because some kid ripped down the trellises and he burnt those in the Lag Ba Omer. The idea that there are rules and regulations within that self discovery, even that has to be feminine. It has to be done in a way that you'll discover yourself within these rules. These rules are where you're going to be able to explore yourself. I had a conversation with a young man about this not that long ago, maybe six months ago, and he said, I don't understand why the yeshiva has rules. Why can't I? Isn't it my year to grow at my pace? I'm like, dude, real life doesn't work that way. You're going to go to your job and go like, I don't understand why I have to hit my deadline. Isn't it supposed to be for me to discover myself within this project?

42:17 No, you exist within a system. The kid couldn't get it. I said, "Can I ask a question? You play basketball." The kid's a big basketball player. He goes, "Yeah." I said, "How come you don't just walk across the floor without dribbling?" He's like, "Because it's traveling." I'm like, "Right." So how come if the ref comes over to you and he says to you like, "Traveling," you don't go like, "Yeah, but I find more meaning in playing the game without dribbling the ball." You're not playing basketball anymore. Kids like to say this. I don't want to dive in from a sitter. I don't want to talk to God, but I don't want to dive in from a sitter. And I hear that, and there's something beautiful about that, but there's also something important about telling our children. We do dive in from the sitter, because the seventy greatest prophets of a time, in a time where there were millions of prophets, the seventy greatest prophets of the time measured every single word, so that we could be calibrated towards certain ideas. Discover your own voice within the boundaries of the sitter. Nobody's telling you to dive into the sitter. Nobody's telling you just to say the words, but say your words within the context of these boundaries. That's the feminine energy that needs to come even into the masculine side.

43:21 So we lead with the feminine energy of the space that we give our kids to self-discover, and at the same time, after that, we come, we make these rules. But the way that we make these rules is not to imprint upon our children something that they're not. It's to imprint upon our children that there's rules and regulations that allow our children to discover who they really are. And this is why the women come first, and it's why the women lead men. Because if a man would come with that purely masculine conquering energy, that cave of light, and he would say, 'we're going in this way,' some people will go, and some people won't. But we know that when the feminine energy leads first, and the feminine energy says, "This is a safe place for you to be you" So it's an amazing thing. I'm going to tell you a secret. That's what your husbands want. That's what they want. They want to have a space where they're loved and accepted and appreciated for who they are. I know it sounds like a funny thing. He's an adult. I shouldn't have to give that to him. But all adults are little boys. So we all are. If you want the proof, just look at people who join Hatzalah.

44:21 I don't know how it is here in Los Angeles, but in New York These are just bigger boys with bigger toys, and it's amazing. I had metal Tonka trucks that they used to give children to play with. Do you know how dangerous those were? Today, all these trucks are padded. We don't want any kids to hurt themselves. I played with metal trucks with sharp edges. If you got stitches, say this: What happens when you play with Tonka trucks? So these boys went from Tonka trucks to actual trucks, and I'm not making fun of them. They're amazing people. I'm a little bit making fun of them, but they're amazing people that are doing this. You say he's an adult. He's a kid. He's a kid. Everybody wants that feminine space. Everybody wants that space where they're loved and appreciated and valued for who they are. You know the famous line from Rabbi Pesach Krohn. He was giving a shiur to women. He said, "If you want your husband to thank you for making the challah, don't forget to thank him for bringing home the dough."

45:14 It's a very sharp line because really what he was saying was, your husband wants to be appreciated. He also wants to have that space where he could be his imperfect self and be appreciated for who he is. That nurturing energy that a woman brings is why women lead men, and we know that throughout history that's the case. And I believe this also answers another question: Why Rashi tells us to speak to women softly, but the Mechilta says speak to women softly means give them the general. When you give someone a general concept, you know why she knows the specifics? Because she nurtures those specifics into beings. If she knows the general, she knows who the kids are. She could see the kid in the future. She could have this vision, this beautiful vision of how the concept develops. So it's not just Rashi saying to speak in a hunched-over way to women in a very gentle way. He's saying to speak to women in a feminine way. Give them the general idea. Let them develop that idea into what it truly is.

46:11 And this is what the Gemara tells us. The Gemara tells us how women get the reward for studying Torah. Where do they get this? Where do they get their reward for studying Torah? The Gemara has a very beautiful lashon here. The Gemara says, what do they do? He said they would encourage their husbands to go to the beis medrash, and then they would wait for their husbands to come home. It's not easy if you have a husband who learns Torah. Because as it is, some of these men have no time. It's not easy to be a man either. If a guy is really dedicated to learning, that guy's up at a six o'clock minyan. He's at a six forty five daf. He comes home for a couple of minutes, then he goes to work. When people used to go to work and they didn't, before Corona. And they go to work, and if they have a break in the middle of the day, they stop to daven mincha. They come home, they have maariv. Maybe they help out a little bit at home. They're passing out by 10:30 at night because they got to be up at 5:30 the next morning, and it's relentless.

47:05 It doesn't stop. That's one half of the equation, but the other half of the equation is these incredible women that are supporting their husbands to do this. The Gemara here is very specific. It's not just that they supported their husband. It's not just that they said to their husband, 'Go learn Torah. I want to have a home of Torah. Go learn Torah.' It's more than that. They wait up for them to come home. It's a very big difference. It's a big difference when your husband walks in the house after he gets home and you're there waiting for him. There's a nurturing type of environment there, and that's an incredible thing that women are able to do. I want to share with you one last story. It's also a great ma'isa. Does anyone here know the Blumenkranz Pesach booklet? This still exists. So I was zocher to know Rabbi Blumenkranz, the father, Olam Shalom, the one who passed away, the original. He was a tremendous tamalchachim.

47:57 There are a lot of beautiful stories that we could tell about Rabbi Blumenkranz. I want you to know he was a very funny man. He had 17 children. He had 17 children, and he spoke once to my eighth grade class. His son was in my class. He showed up to class to give the speech before the sium that we were making, and Rabbi Blumenkranz looked at it. The kids were a bunch of eighth graders, and he said, 'I must have a son in this class. I have a son in every class.' And everyone started laughing. And he goes, "Which one are you?" And his son raised his hand. He goes, "I'm right here, Ta." He goes, "What's your name?" He was a very funny, sweet man. I can tell you many sadik stories about Rabbi Blumkranz. He was a tremendous person, an ish chesed admaod, a tremendously warm person. He had a space in his heart for every Jew. But I want to tell you.

48:45 I want to tell you this very specific story. My father must have done something wrong. My father was a guy. He grew up. He was about tshuva. He never went to shirim. He never learned Torah really. He didn't. He never went to yeshiva because it's hard for him to learn. Even though today my father really does learn a lot, it's all self-taught. He wasn't a guy who went to shirim. When I was growing up, my father used to say, 'A little learning never hurts. So let's learn as little as possible.' This is my rebellion. Talk about having a safe space. So my father must have done something wrong because my mother slept him to a shir. From Rabbi Blumenkranz, my mother is also a balish tshuva, and she's like the type of balish tshuva because she didn't grow up with the yeshiva education, so she's insatiable when it comes to learning Torah. If there's Torah being learned, my mother is a part of it. She's very inspiring in that way.

49:38 And so she slept my father to the sheir, and Rabbi Blumenkranz is giving the sheir, and he's talking to the women of the sheir, and he's saying how you have to support your husbands. And your husband's coming home again. We were in New York. Your husband's coming home from New York City, and there's all these women all day, and you should look nice when your husband walks in the door. So my father was like, I like this sheer, pay attention, I like this sheer. And then he starts talking about his wife. And what an amazing ish Chayel is! What a special person! What a supportive wife! Rabbi Blumenkrantz learned Torah all day. So he said, "when I come home from the base majors, from learning Torah all day" My wife has fresh cream puffs for me. That's what he called them, cream puffs, fresh cream puffs. And so my father loves cream puffs, so he's looking at my mother, going, "Oh, fresh cream puffs, lady! I work hard." My mother is such a growth-oriented person. She's the sweetest woman in the world. The next day, she calls Rebbetzin Blumenkranz to get her recipe for cream puffs.

50:41 So Rebbetzin Blumenkranz is like Rebbetzin Blumenkranz. I think she was South American, and Rebbetzin and he was a Talmuder from Moshe Feinstein. He was a tremendous Talmuder. Rebbetzin Blumenkranz was as American as apple pie, like the most regular, down-to-earth person ever. So my mother calls up Rebbetzin Blumenkranz and she says, Rebbetzin Blumenkranz Your husband gave this really inspiring shiur, and I really want to be supportive of my husband. He comes in the door. I want to have this nurturing type of environment. I really want to get your recipe for cream puffs because Rabbi Blumenkrantz said at last night's shiur that every time he comes home from the Beit Midrash, you have fresh cream puffs. So Rabbi Blumenkrantz says to my mother on the phone, she goes, Paula, are you out of your mind? I have 17 children. Do you think I have time to make fresh cream puffs? I go to Zomik's Bakery. I buy cream puffs. I put them in the freezer. Five minutes before he comes home, I put them in the oven. He comes in. He thinks he has fresh cream puffs. I'm not making him fresh cream puffs.

51:36 And that story is legend in my family. Every time there's cream puffs, I tell my mom, Robertson, Bloom, and Crans's cream puffs. But really, there is something very special about the fact that she did that because it is that extra mile. It is that extra sensitivity. It's a husband who walks in the door from a hard day of work, and there's someone to smile at him and welcome him home. And not just our husbands, but our children. One of the terrible things that we did in our generation to kids is we gave them homework. It's terrible. First of all, it's not even clear a hundred percent that the volume of homework that we're giving to our children is enabling them to be better at school. But also And as parents, we kind of want to tell the teachers we're done with school. We don't want to do our kids' homework with them anymore. But really, when our kids walk in the door, you know what we want to say? How are you?

52:25 Instead, how many parents, when our kids walk in the door, do we go, 'what's for homework tonight?' How was your day in school? What'd you do? It's like the kids. I just left school. The idea of homework. Home is not for work. Home is for relaxing. Home is for a safe environment. That's the nature of the home. The Gemara in Sotah is a very beautiful thing. It's not just that the women sent their kids and their husbands off to the basic medrash. It's that when they came back from the basic medrash, there was someone there for them. There was an environment that appreciated who they were, that nurtured those talents into being. And the Gemara in Sotah says that's why women are equal partners in their husbands' learning, fifty-fifty. Even though you say the husband was in the basic medrash, it's fifty-fifty. There's no husband learning. There's no child learning if there's not a mother behind them. And really, really, it can happen. It's it's not it's not. I know it sounds a little bit pie in the sky, but it's it's not a hard thing. I have a seven-year-old son And biologically he's male, but he has five older sisters, so he's very soft. He's growing up. Baruch Hashem, he's a beautiful boy and he's wonderful.

53:29 And he's the type of kid that says to me, 'Abba, I have a feeling,' I'm saying like he's grown up with a lot of sisters. So he came to me a couple of weeks ago. I just spoke to him today, but he came to me a couple of weeks ago and he said, 'Abba, I want to finish all of Hamishah Cham Shetar. I want to finish all five books of Torah.' So I said, Mikey, you're seven years old. I want you to go play soccer with your friends. He said, 'I will, but I want to finish this.' I told him, 'Okay, but not in the afternoon hours. In the afternoon hours, go play soccer with your friends. But if you have other time.' He started waking up early. So that he could learn Torah every single morning. He's a very special kid. And he is. He is Baruch Hashem. It's pretty crazy to say, but he's almost finished. It's like two and a half weeks later, and he's almost finished. It's a big advantage of living in Israel. The kids speak Hebrew, so for him to open up a chumash is not very difficult.

54:19 So he's almost done. I spoke to him today and he has three parshios left. He said it's gonna be perfect timing. But by the time you come home, I'm gonna be finished. What was the present he asked me for? He said, "Do you think that if I finish all of Hamishu Chum Shadur, all five books, do you think you could take me bowling with Miriam and ice cream?" He was pushing it for ice cream. I said, "Yes, Mikey, I'll take you. I'll take you and your sister Miriam to bowling and ice cream." But then my daughters started chiming in. They're like, "Oh, Mikey, if you do, we're gonna make you cookies. We're gonna make you cakes. And the truth is, we're gonna do. We're making a big cake. But that type of celebration of a kid's success goes a very long way. That type of "I'm here for you" when you come home, I'm there for you. I'm creating that nurturing environment. That's really the most important thing. And I'll finish with this. It's not an accident that you chose this topic.

55:07 It's not an accident. The Chizik mission, the job of the Chizik mission, is to inspire women because we know that by inspiring women, we're inspiring everybody. An inspired woman is going to be a different mother. She's going to be a different wife. She's going to be a different member of the community. We know that the rabbis tell us, we know that in the merit of the righteous women of Egypt, we were merited to leave Egypt. And we know that in these times, before Mashiach comes, all of our souls are the reincarnation of souls that were in Mitzrayim, and once again The Hasidic masters explain that it will be in the merit of these righteous women that we're able to greet Mashiach Tzidkenu. And so, once more, I just want to wish you all a tremendous amount of hatslacha on this journey of being inspired and passionate women, and a tremendous thank you to the Hershes for starting us off. And beis Hashem, we'll be zecher to do this for many years to come. Amen.