Pesach - Love At First Sight

2:19 When you meet the one You'll know it. Maybe not immediately. But there's some flash of insight that a person gets that they recognize something about that person that attracts them to them. And I've had many situations before. One in particular stands out of a girl that was dating a guy and it was going well. There was something that was very just right about it, but then there were things that seemed off. And so she broke up with him. She ended up dating a couple of other guys, and she came back to me months and months later. She said to me, "For some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. Is it shayech to go back? Is it shayech to go back and try again?" I told her, "Yeah, why not? If there's something, if you thought there was something that clicked, and if he thought there was something that clicked, a person could certainly try again." And kachavo, they went out again. They ended up getting married.

3:26 Have Baruch Hashem today a very big family, Kanai Nohara, and growing. There was something that just fit. There was something that was right about it. So why did they stop? They stopped because certain things were off. Timing was off. Just certain things just weren't working. It wasn't anything that she could explain to me why it wasn't working. It just wasn't working. And because it wasn't working, she made the decision. She made the decision to stop. Took a break from it, but because there was something right about it, there was something that was just good. There was something that was everything working together. Ultimately, when it was the right timing, everything worked out. There's a story with Rav Chaim Brisker that there was a couple in the town of Brisk that on the day of their chuppah, everything was going wrong. Mamish, everything was going wrong, and it was coming time for the chuppah, and just nothing was going right. It was getting later and later. Finally, they got to the chuppah, and somebody said to Rav Chaim, "They said, maybe there was simanim that this not a good shidduch. Maybe we should hold off." So Rav Chaim said, "Yes, you are right."

4:38 There were many simanim that it was not the right time. Now is the right time. When it's the reunification of the soul, there's something familiar about our significant other. When we're dating. Very often, what you hear from people that are dating is, I can't put my finger on it. There's something here that just makes sense. And then guys say it like this: Guys say, I don't know. It seems good. Girls say it like this: Girls say, I don't know. There's something that seems right. But how do I know? Maybe I'm tricking myself. That I'm tricking myself. Maybe I should fourth guess that fifth guess because. And I spoke to that seminary teacher. And but then I spoke to this rebbe. They disagreed. So now I don't know what to do. The answer is that there's something that's very familiar to a person. Medrash says, in the context of Yaakov leaving Bereshava to find a wife, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu Himself designates for us who is going to be our marriage partner. As may es Hakadosh Baruch Hu, that's the concept of bashert. Just to be clear, bashert does not mean that you should ask. I don't know if he's my bashert. How can I know if he's my bashert? You can't know, but that has nothing to do with our process. But there is such a thing called bashert that our Kadosh Baruch Hu designates that this person will be married to this person.

6:09 A baskal comes out and says that this person will be married to this person. The medrash continues and tells us the story of Yehuda Bar Shimon, who once said this over: Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the one that brings unity to a family. He's the one that creates the family. The Medrash tells a story of Rav Yosi Bar Chalalta. There was a Roman matron who was once having this very conversation with Rav Yosi Bar Chalalta. She asked him, 'How many days did God create the world?' Rav Yosi Bar Chalalta said, 'Six days. In six days He created the world.' She said, 'And what is He doing up until now?' So he says, 'He's playing matchmaker. He's a shadchan. He's sitting up there saying, 'This person should be married to this person. This person should be married to this person.' So, this Roman matron was mizalzel and not kadosh baruch hu, and she said, 'That's not a big deal. I can do that too.' She was a very wealthy woman. What did she do? She took all of her servants, she took all of her maid servants, and she said, 'You marry you. You marry you.' And in one day, she married them all off to each other. The next day, she came back. And they were all missing.

7:12 They were missing an eye, and this woman had a broken tooth and a broken foot. She said, "What's going on over here?" She said, "We don't want to be with each other. It's not a good shidduch. We don't want to be with each other." So she sent for Yose, and she told Yose, "There is no God like Your God." And I totally understand now. You spoke very wisely when you said that our Kadosh Baruch Hu sits and is mezavik zivugim. And the truth of the matter is that a zivug hagun, an appropriate partner. Is something that is miraculous. That is miraculous, and Chazal say that it's kasha k'kriyas yamsof. It's as difficult as kriyas yamsof. I remember when my Rebbe said this to me. I was already in Kylo, and I was sitting in Sheer by my Rebbe. And my Rebbe said over this: My Mer Chazal, that it's that a zivug is a miraculous thing. And I raised my hand and I said to him: Rebbe, could you explain to me the depth of what it means? That zivug is a miraculous thing. It doesn't necessarily feel miraculous. You have to understand, my rebbe is zayecha tarich as yomim.

8:15 Can I know how he's in his eighties? I remember my rebbe's look. He looks at me. He goes like this. He used to look over his glasses, and he goes, 'Mordechai, your shiruch wasn't the miracle. Like ilu to say like you were not right at all for her. She's much better than you.' Obviously, I didn't have anything more to say in that sheir. And for a very long time, which was a very good humbling mida for me. But that is the idea that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the one that's calling out, and we know that a baskal comes out and says, 'This man will be with this woman.' And that is the true idea. It's the reunification of the soul. Hakadosh Baruch Hu designates you with you, this part of the soul with this part of the soul, this part of the soul with this part of the soul. That being the case, we have to re-understand what love is. And further, we have to understand the concept of love at first sight. Let's talk about love.

9:13 Love is not what they portray to you in the movies. It's got nothing to do with what goes on in the movies. In the movies, they don't show you love. They show you infatuation, and infatuation is really just another form of obsession. Which is why, in moments of infatuation, you never see the other person for who they truly are. In moments of infatuation, it's all about wow, this person is amazing. They're head over heels. Then the whole movie is basically just how do we bridge the gap, whatever the gap is. The parents could be the gap. The timing could be the gap. The social status could be the gap. But it's basically all the same thing. It's just how do we bridge the gap? That is not what love is. Love is an action. But I am not going to go with the classical Rives Desler vision that loving means giving. That's true. I just want to go a step further than that. Love is the process through which intimacy is created. That's what love is. Love is the process where we go from two being two to two being one.

10:30 To be clear, it doesn't mean that each side loses their identity. It's an expanded identity that is kolel the entire couple. It's like the Olympics. It's like the three rings of the Olympics. I'm still me and she's still her, but there's a whole new circle that's now kolel both of us. That ultimate circle that's kolel both of you. What we call double oneness. That is called intimacy. The Ibn Ezra has a beautiful line. He says, "Love takes two, and makes it into one." The Ibn Ezra was a beautiful poet, and he defined for us love in his poetry. Love takes two, and makes it into one. Just as a flower needs water to grow, a couple to create intimacy needs love. Every person needs love. That is a healthy need. When a person says I need you to love me. They're not saying from an inappropriate place that they need love because what am I without you? They're saying, in order for this couple to be a healthy couple, love is the necessary requirement in order to take two and make it into one. There's a beautiful story of a woman that came to a rav. And she said, "I don't know what love is. Can you define love for me?"

12:03 Can you tell me what it is? I've given you the broad strokes. Love is the process, but she wanted to know the details of the process. A very beautiful line. She, the Rav, said to her, 'Love is not something that you find. Love is not something that finds you, that you fall into. If you know what love is, you don't fall for an easy romance.' Love is when two people who care for one another make their lives together, build a home together, cry together, laugh together, weather the storms of life together, plow through their hardships and celebrate together, and then one day discover that life is unimaginable without the other person at their side. What is love? Create some, then you'll know what love is. The reason why love is indefinable. In a broad sense, we can say love is the process that creates intimacy. But we can't define love more than that because love is unique to every single couple. What looks like love for one couple will be disastrous in another couple. What looks like love in the second couple would be disastrous for the couple. Is an excellent book that I recommend to all the guys

13:19 And I'll recommend it to all of you. Called the Five Languages of Love. This is a must read before you get married. In the five languages of love, the theory is of the book that everyone has their own way of being loved. Actually, the way that we love another is really our communication of how we want to be loved. So very often, you'll have a guy that goes to a girl and he gives her the most beautiful gift. He buys her a beautiful piece of jewelry. For her, she says, "Oh, thank you very much," but it doesn't really resonate with her. What's really happening is that's not the way she wants to be loved. She's being loved in the way he wants to love her. That's like the husband who says, "I'm going to love you no matter what you want. I'm going to be a good husband no matter what it is that you desire." He's loving her not in the way she wants to be loved, but in the way he wants to be loved. She would much prefer to spend more time with him.

14:25 He would prefer to get a gift. You have to know how to listen to another person's language in order to understand what they want. And you should know that it's never the thing you expect. A good husband—I'm not a perfect husband, but I'm trying to be a good husband. That's enough for me. A good husband listens carefully. When his wife talks, he listens for what she's really looking for. So I can tell you. Please don't tell this to my wife; don't ruin the surprise. But I can tell you that I am looking to get this special type of crystal. I'm sure some of you know it. Swarovski. What's it called? Swarovski crystal. I'm looking for that. My wife said that growing up she had that. She just mentioned that Agav Orcha in a conversation. That was something she had when she was a kid and she remembers that she used to look at it. So I'm looking into getting it. It's not so easy to find and it's not so easy to find in an appropriate amount of money for me to spend. To find I'm looking though I'm looking to find something nice for her that I'll be able to give her for an anniversary for something.

15:39 But you should know that a gift doesn't have to be something beautiful. If he's looking for a gift, it doesn't need to be something extraordinary. My mother called me. She's in America now. She went to be with my grandmother. She was in Barnes and Nobles with my grandmother, so she sent me a message: 'Do you need anything from Barnes and Nobles?' I'll tell you the truth. One of the things that we have in our house that I think is a wonderful thing to have in the house is that we have Calvin and Hobbes comic books, and we also have Farsides. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Farside, but it's also brilliantly funny. And so there are some that we don't have in the house. I asked my mother to look for them, and my mother is bringing them back. That'll be one of the gifts that I give my wife for Pesach this year. Just to say thank you, not because that's what I want. This is not the proverbial bowling ball with my name on it. This is a gift that I know that she will use. It's a way of me saying to her, I'm listening to the way that you're speaking. That's an appropriate somebody. That's an appropriate way to build intimacy. Now there are many different types of communications in marriage.

16:42 I'm just going to outline three basic ones. There are some people that love their spouse in order to change them. That can be a very damaging thing. Because you are the reunification of the soul, they are by definition going to be your opposite half. Which means they are going to be different than you, and that's okay. We have to learn to acknowledge each other's differences and to be okay with those differences in order to have a relationship of double oneness. Some people think that in order to be married, we need to be on the same page exactly—that everything I like he likes and everything she likes I like—and that's not the way it is. They are going to be the opposite of you. For guys, their wife is going to be the opposite of them, because that's what the Torah means when it says Ezer Kenegdo. The female species is designed, and it's a beautiful thing. It's a virtuous thing, designed to drive husbands crazy. That's not a negative thing. That is part of the rectification of the male species. That's what we need. It's not a bad thing. It's the job of both the husband and the wife to understand that even though it's uncomfortable.

18:11 It's diamonds cutting each other, and by cutting out the impurities, even though the diamond looks smaller, it's actually much more valuable. Love that involves changing another person is very damaging. You are not going to change them, and hopefully, they're not going to change you. There might be a tremendous amount of growth that happens together, but it's not hopefully emanating from a place of, here's a guy I think I can mold him into what I want. That is a recipe for disaster. And don't laugh at it. This is something that happens all the time. Something that happens all the time that people go into a marriage and they say, Well, they have you know some things that I'm looking for. I think the rest I can change. That's a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, there are people that are willing to love a person blindly. The positive quality of loving another person blindly is they could say "I love that person no matter what. The negative is that you are not necessarily paying attention to the relationship, and sometimes the relationship needs criticism. Sometimes the relationship needs to change, and with blind love, you don't necessarily have that."

19:34 There is a third type of love, which is called an essential love. Let's talk about it first from the perspective of Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Klal Yisrael, and then we'll bring it back to a husband and a wife. Do you want to know why Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves Klal Yisrael? No reason. Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves us not for any reason that we can define, but because essentially I find you to be valuable. That is the truest type of love. I see in you a great potential for a beautiful relationship. There's something essential about you that makes you attractive to me, and that makes me hopefully attractive to you. In the case of Klal Yisrael and the Rebbeinu Shalom, it's because we are a piece of the divine, because we have a neshama. A neshama is a chilek elokam mima. That's what a neshama is. A neshama is a piece of Hashem. If you bring this back to what we were talking about in the very beginning of this year, marriage is the reunification of the soul. Now you can understand what we're talking about. Our marriage, our union with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, which is what we're going to be talking about today.

20:54 It comes from a place where there's something familiar in us. I don't mean familiar in terms of Hakadosh Baruch Hu forgot, but there's something that's naturally attractive about Klal Yisrael to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Because in a certain way we are reunifying ourselves with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. In other words, Hakadosh Baruch Hu put us into the world, separate, distinct, and other than Him, with our physical bodies and our physical limitations. But there is a spark inside of us, that neshama, that chelak elokamimal, whose natural habitat is to belong with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And when Hakadosh Baruch Hu sees that, it's familiar to him. It's I know that that's a part of me, and therefore Hakadosh Baruch Hu is attracted to us, and we in turn are also attracted to Hakadosh Baruch Hu in a very natural way. And that is a very important thing to understand. Because most people are coming from a perspective where they're fighting the tide.

21:58 And they think like I have to work so hard to create a relationship with the Rebbeim Shalom. You don't. The pasuk says it very clearly. The pasuk means it. Kikaray elecha hadavar meoid. This thing is very close to you. It means that our relationship with Hashem is not foreign. Our relationship with Hashem is not something we have to achieve; it's something that exists essentially. And we're going to see later in the She'er that this was the machlokes between Paro and Moshe Rabenu. Just put it on hold for a minute. So too, when it comes to a husband and a wife, there is a familiarity about our spouse. Something that speaks to us when we meet them. And sometimes you know it right away. Sometimes you know it right away, but then it takes time to develop. And sometimes you just know it right away. You just know right away. This is good. This feels good. There's something natural about that. That is a siman.

23:04 It is a siman that there's something right about this. How do you know? Because many, many times in the Torah, you have situations like this. In fact, if you go back to the very first time that man and woman were together, and you look at the pasuk, Adam Harishon recognizes right away about Chava, this is good, this exactly what it's supposed to be. Rivka, when she sees Yitzchak for the first time, she falls off the camel. She didn't know him. But she fell. She saw Yitzchak, and there was something that was so powerfully attracting about Yitzchak. It was so good that she fell off the camel. We have this: Yaakov and Rachel. Yaakov saw Rachel, and he took a boulder that all of the shepherds had to get together to lift this boulder off of the well. Yaakov saw Rachel, and he just tossed that boulder right off. How did Yaakov know? Was there an equation that Yaakov filled out?

24:07 Did Yaakov have a checklist when he was sitting there as she's coming towards him and he's saying? She comes from a good family. Check. She didn't come from a good family. I want you to know, I had a bachur who once came to me. He was in the parsha of Shidduchim, and he said to me, "I only want to marry a girl from this type of family." I said to him, "Tzadik, I love you, but you don't come from that type of family." So he goes, "Yeah, but only from this type of family will a girl actually understand what it means to be machshav Torah." So I looked at him. I was incredulous. I didn't know what the guy was talking about.

24:37 I said, 'How did you come to be machshav Torah?' So he goes. That's what you taught me. I was like, Come on! There's no girls out there that had great rebbein that had great mechanchot that taught them. He ended up marrying a girl from exactly the family that he didn't want to marry. He knew for sure that was the girl he didn't want to marry. But once he met her, he knew for sure that this was the girl he did want to marry. My wife and I know a story of a case where two people and they only wanted to. They were both from certain backgrounds and they only wanted to marry people from other backgrounds. They dated and dated for a very long time. Somebody put them together. And they were very reluctant because they each didn't have the right answer. Two weeks later, they were engaged. Yaakov didn't have any checklists. You understand? Again, I'm not saying it's not good to have your values in place and to understand and to think. Of course, dating requires thinking. But Yaakov Avinu knew.

25:26 David HaMelech with Bat Sheva, David HaMelech knew. It was he knew so well. And by the way, again, we're not getting into that whole parsha of David Hamelch. That rabbit hole, we're not going to have time for. But the Chazal say clearly that was not a chayt. I know it looks like a chayt, it smells like a chayt. He did sefer, but David Hamelch knew. How did he know? The terez is that there's something about a person that you can recognize right away. That's called love at first sight. That's what love at first sight means. Love at First Sight is not to be clear. How they portray it in the movies, he's standing on that side of the room and she's standing on this side of the room and she's talking with her friends somehow always in a semicircle around her and she's able to look right past them and he's sitting there looking cool in the corner. What was that? I'm thinking of Greece. I'm thinking of no movies because I never saw one in my life. And then he's with his guys.

26:31 It could be Greece. It could be any movie. And all of a sudden, summer loving somehow. I'm not saying. I'm just saying. Know what I'm saying? The all of a sudden, it's like the room. They have one of these things where the room like comes together. Their eyes just lock in that instant. That's not love at first sight. That's lust. Love at first sight is when I go out with a person and all of a sudden it just works. There's something that's good about it. It just clicks and I know. Now here's the feeling that comes along with that. The feeling is very excited, totally unstable. Rebbe of mine once told me, Relationships that start in a bang end in a bang. A person who gets involved in a relationship that's one of these authentic love at first sight relationships, it's meridic exciting. It's very, very beautiful. It is an absolute chiyev, a requirement, that you must add stability into that relationship. That when you find yourself being so excited by the prospect of that relationship, it is imperative that you slow down and create stability to build the relationship for real.

27:51 What often happens in these cases of love at first sight is we're so excited about the prospect. We never actually build the relationship, and we're just climbing up the ladder really, really fast without any safety, without any support. And what happens is that when we fall, we come crashing down. On the other hand, a person who doesn't necessarily have this feeling right away—that's not a bad sign either. Sometimes you could have a flash of insight that this is good, but then it takes time to develop. And I want you to know that I've seen that too. That you have cases of a guy and a girl that they're dating. In the beginning, it's great. As it moves on, it's even better. In the beginning, it was good; might have even been great. But it wasn't like wow. But then something five, six, seven dates in, and all of a sudden, it's incredible.

28:43 What's the mila of that? It may not be as exciting, but it's very stable, and you're building a solid relationship from the ground up. The reason why Hakadosh Baruch Hu has a creation called love at first sight is that it's a gift. It's a gift that you know that you can have something extraordinary with that person. It was given to you in the very beginning of the relationship as a way of showing you, as a way of teaching you, if you work hard, this is what can be. If a person does not have love at first sight, they can have the same exact relationship. But there's always an element of unknowing. There's an unknowable element. How will this actually work out? Normally, in normal cases, in Rove cases, love has to be born slowly and methodically, like a child being born in the womb. There's a flash of insight, but then the child has to develop slowly. Ultimately, there can be a beautiful unification between mother and child. Under normal circumstances, it takes a nine-month period.

29:58 When it comes to love at first sight, we need to slow down and make sure that we're building that relationship. This is the depth. Of what really happened between Moshe Rabenu and Paro. Paro was asked by Moshe Rabenu Can we take Klal Yisrael out to the Midbar for three days? We are taught as children that Paro didn't want to let them go because he wanted slaves. And Moshe Rabbeinu wanted freedom. Therefore, the story of Yitzias Mitzrayim has turned into an Abraham Lincoln type of experience, where we are the embattled slaves and Moshe Rabbeinu came and took us out—a hero. That is a myopic vision of the story. Let me give you an insight. I'll be penimius hataira that I think will contribute a tremendous amount to our lives.

31:17 Moshe Rabenu was saying to Paro, 'Please let us go for three days.' Paro understood exactly what he was asking for. Paro understood him to be saying, 'I want to go create a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.' And Paro told him, 'You cannot find a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu out in the desert.' Meaning, you can't be one of these spirituality seekers. If you want a relationship, it needs to be grounded. It needs to be real. That's what Paro was all about. Paro was about reality. Let's look at Paro's achievements. Paro was a builder of epic proportions. The pyramids today stand as one of the most incredible things that man has built. He was the leader of the most civilized. But the most civilized and cultured place in the entire world, Egypt was the center of the universe. When it came to science, when it came to culture, when it came to art, Egypt was everything.

32:27 Paro had it was having a philosophical and ideological machlokes with Moshe Rabenu. The machlokes was: You want Hashem? That's awesome. Find Hashem in civilization. Find Hashem in being a builder. Find Hashem in building great edifices, building great buildings. Find Hashem in culture. Find Hashem in music. Find Hashem in art. Why? Because these things are real. They're not some pie in the sky dream. It's not some exciting thing. It's reality. That's what Paro was all about. That's why the gods of Egypt are all idols. And the gods of Egypt, if you haven't noticed, all have to do with nature, because nature is very real. You can depend on it. The Nile will overflow and irrigate the crops. It's very dependable. Paro himself acted like a god. Why did Paro himself act like a god? Why was it important for him to represent himself as a god?

33:28 Because that's what's real. Paro's vision of leadership was to be real with everybody. This is the concept of transcendence. Transcendence doesn't mean leaving reality; it means embracing reality. Moshe Rabenu fundamentally disagreed. Moshe Rabenu tried his best to explain to Paro, but he was too stubborn to see it. He said to Paro, "We are not spiritual seekers; we are not in search of something." We have been invited to a relationship. We were invited to this relationship in the times of Avraham Avinu. A bris bein habesarim was made. There is something unique about us, and it is exciting. And Akolish Baruch Hu told us that this was going to happen. That He was going to send us down to Mitzrayim for whatever purpose, but ultimately He was going to bring us out. And now is the time that He is bringing us out. And Paro, look! Look at these nisim.

34:30 Look at these miraculous things that are happening all around you. Do you know why it's miraculous? Now let's get a bit of depth that we didn't have before. Because when something is miraculous, it reveals the true excitement of it. Up until now, everything was just going in a certain direction, and now that whole direction has changed. Paro, don't you see we're being invited to something special? We're already part of a relationship. You can't point to it. We have no code of law. We don't have a code of law. We don't have a culture. We don't have a land. We don't have a civilization. We are a people without a home. But I'm telling you, Paro, there's something here. It was love at first sight. Paro could not understand that. Paro said, "Look, I can duplicate your nism. I also can control nature. You throw sticks and make them into snakes. I'll throw sticks and make them into snakes. You bring out giant frogs. I'll bring out giant frogs." That's not miraculous. What is Parol really saying? He's saying you are not being invited to anything.

35:33 You are nuts. That's what Parol is saying. He's saying you are crazy. Moshe Rabbeinu says, "I can't explain this to you any better. I know it to be true." That's the fundamental difference between Yiddishkeit and idolatry. Idolatry says, 'Look at what's real. A figure, that's real. Nature, that's real. The sun, that's real. These things are real. Live in reality.' We believe that the truest existence of reality is Hashem, and our reality is not reality at all. That's why a nace is normal. When we see a nace, we sing Shirah. Why do we sing Shirah? And by the way, it's Dafka the women that know how to prepare for it. It's Dafka Miriam who knows that these waters, while they look very, very bitter, ultimately they'll be sweet. That's why her name is Mar Yam. That's why Miriam followed Moshe Rabbeinu into the water because she knew something miraculous was going to happen. She knew it clearly. It must be this way. A Jew.

36:40 When we see a miracle, we sing Shirah because we see the poetry of it. We see the divine connectivity of the entire story. That's why we sing Shirah. When a nase occurs to Klal Yisrael, when our existence is being threatened, and a nase occurs, the response of Klal Yisrael is, of course, because we're in a relationship that cannot be broken. Every morning, when a boy puts on tefillah and he says Ve'erasticha lila Olam, our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu is forever. Why? Because it's not something that came from nothing. Our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu exists in the most natural way possible. It's not artificial; it's exactly what it's supposed to be. Which is why ultimately, Moshe Rabenu capitulates. Moshe Rabenu says to him, "Listen, there's nothing more I can say to you. You're going to have to come find me. I'm not going to come to you." And ultimately, Paro comes. Because ultimately, even Paro realizes the relationship between Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Klal Yisrael—it doesn't make any sense. Just like that time that you met that person and you just knew right away, it doesn't make any sense.

37:59 The reason why we can experience love at first sight is because that's exactly what Hakadosh Baruch Hu had with us. In a very deep way, that's why after Yishtiyat Mitzrayim, we must have the Omer. We must count forty-nine days and actually work on the relationship. Ultimately, at the end of the day, the relationship is a gift. We cannot attain that fiftieth level. That has to be bestowed upon us by Hashem. But for forty-nine days, we create stability in the relationship. We build the relationship slowly and carefully. So now let's sum it up. Let's bring it all back together. What is marriage? Marriage is the reunification of the soul, the same way that we are reunifying with Hashem. Love is the process that creates intimacy. It's true. Now that I've had love at first sight, I know that there can be something extraordinary with this person. But I still need love to bridge the gap. What's the definition of love? It's different for everybody. If you want love

39:04 Go have some. Go build some. Go create some. If you want intimacy, that's the price you have to pay. You have to work on loving that other person. It's going to require tremendous vulnerability. You might be standing there at the yamsuf, thinking, "I am totally trapped." And that is a word that you hear very often today. People feel trapped in their relationships, and they are trapped. And there's tremendous vulnerability there, and that's very, very beautiful. Because exactly at that moment when the relationship is in jeopardy, that's when there's an incredible opportunity to transcend. That's where there's the kriyas yamzov, and then there's going to be the forty-nine days of work. There's going to be hard work, but that's what love really is. So to say that love is giving, it's true. Hava is from a lashon of have. But it's so much more than that. It's about coming together with the person that was always supposed to be with you. I, you'll say to me, 'So what is gerushin? What is a get then?' Sometimes a relationship becomes inappropriate. It becomes immoral. It's no longer what it was supposed to be, and then there has to be a separation. And that's why, even though our relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu is forever, it's not really a gerushin that happened by us.

40:31 But there are moments, periods of time, unfortunately, way too long, where we are separated from Hakadosh Baruch Hu, where Hakadosh Baruch Hu says we cannot be in the same house together because this relationship has become inappropriate. It's become immoral. You've stopped focusing on what's true and what's good and you started focusing on yourself. What does that look like? It looks like sinas chinam. It looks like our inability to look at another and just love them because they're Jewish and they're essentially connected to us, and we cannot be in a home with Hakadosh Baruch Hu until that happens. Today, everyone talks about who's right. I'm right. You're a malek. You're a leech on society. I dress like this. I dress like that. I'll finish with this: a beautiful story that I just read. About a neshama that takes the form of a bird. And it decides to fly to different communities and to listen in on what's being said in those communities. It flies to one community and listens to all the neshamas in that community talking ill about the neshamas of another community. The neshama, this bird in the form of the neshama, is so broken.

41:52 It's listening in and it's saying, "Why would you speak that way about the other part of yourself?" Why would you do that? They're upholding Torah. They're doing a beautiful thing for Klal Yisrael. So it flies to the other community, hoping to hear beautiful things, and instead it hears only negative talk about the other community. How come they don't understand? How come this? How come that? They're a Malach. They sided with this guy. They voted for this guy. And once again, the Neshama is like, Why would you speak that way about me? Why would you speak that way about my other half? That's called sinachinam. Ultimately, this bird will only find its perch when everybody in Klal Yisrael starts to love each other. We want intimacy with each other. We need intimacy with each other. We are a broken nation right now. We are broken. And until we start loving each other. What that means does not have a definition. It's going to require listening to what the other person wants. We are not going to be able to create actus. I was talking to somebody and they told me something so sad. I walked away from them. I didn't respond. I didn't want to hurt them. I don't mean hurt them physically. I didn't want to hurt them with my mouth. They said to me, "Anybody today that talks about actus is really just trying to trap you."

43:23 I just walked away. I thought to myself that that is like the most sad thing I've heard. They're trying to trap you with actus, trying to trap you with love. How about their craving to be together with everybody? That we do have a love at first sight for each other, and instead of walking around judging and being judgmental about other communities, why can't we focus on the positive? Why can't we look at the other people and say, 'Wow, that's amazing! That's incredible! What they do.' But why can't there just be dialogue? Why do we all need to be? We don't need to agree on every point in order to love each other. We don't need to do that at all. But today people speak with such generalities. There's no Jews. I wish I would meet some Jews. Today I meet this one, they're Charedi, and I meet another one, they're Dati Leumi. I meet a third person, he's Mizrahi. I meet another guy, he's Chiloni. I wish I met a Jew. I love Jews. I want you to know something. Everyone thinks that the other side hates them. The truth is, I've spoken to both sides.

44:24 Really, nobody hates each other. I get in a cab. One of the beautiful things about Eretz Yisrael is you can get in a cab with a guy who's not wearing a yarmulke. He looks at you and he says, 'Hakol bidei Shamayim, Parnasa rak min hashemaim.' You talk to them; it's unbelievable. They're so connected in a very genuine way. They're so connected, and then you start talking politics. And you know what they say. They say, 'No, I don't hate them at all. I just the extremists are driving me crazy.' And they're right. They're right. We have to learn to love each other because you can't accept the Torah. You can't be in a relationship without a Kadosh Baruch Hu without Achdus. Ki yishachad b'leivachad. So we go from Purim to Pesach. Purim, a time when we knock down all the walls. There's something beautiful about drunk people. They just love other people. It's an amazing thing. Drunk people are just—they just love each other. We have to go from Purim to Pesach. We have to bring it with us, like the Ishbister says. We have to take those manim where it's not so easy to love each other. We have to knock down those walls.

45:41 And we can't let anybody stand in our way. And we are the solution. The solution is not going to happen on a grand scale. Nobody's going to be able to get up and convince a hundred thousand people tomorrow to change the way they think. But we can do it one at a time. Every person in this room, each of you with your families, each of you, Mitzvah Hashem, with your families, Beitdo Bezmano, we can break down those walls. We can teach tolerance without judgment, without being judgmental. And without giving in on our principles. I can love you because I'm familiar with you because I recognize you. I think that's the real message of Pesach. Our Yiddishkeit is so grounded because it comes from Hashem. We're not trying to mold Hashem into what we want. We're just trying to be with Him. But in order to be with Him, we need to be connected to ourselves first. Hiratzon, Avinu shabashamayim. That this year, the last Pesach, it will never be the last Purim, but this year is the last Pesach. This year is the last Pesach. We got to create that achdus, Mir Hashem, one at a time. We're gonna do it.