Noach – Who's Holding You Up

PARSHAS NOACH / PERSONAL GROWTH
Who's Holding You Up?
Learning to Trust the Person You're Becoming
WRITTEN BY
Rav Mordechai Burg
NITZOTZOS | KEEPING OUR SPARK ALIVE

WHO'S HOLDING YOU UP?
Nitzotzos | Rav Mordechai Burg 1
One of the more difficult parts of growing up is learning to trust yourself. We spend so much
of our lives looking to other people to tell us who we are. From the time we are little, we look
to our parents for approval. As we get older, our friends become increasingly important. We
want to know that we are accepted, that our decisions make sense, that the people who matter
to us think well of us.
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting approval. We are created to live in
relationships with other people, and their opinions naturally matter to us. But sometimes we
become so dependent on what other people think that we begin to lose confidence in our own
judgment.
Consider how often we know what we want until someone else expresses a different opinion.
We feel good about a decision until someone questions it. We enjoy a certain activity until a
friend makes a comment. Sometimes we are so accustomed to consulting other people that we
have difficulty identifying what we actually think.
There is a fascinating Rashi in this week's Parsha that speaks to this process of development.
The Torah describes Noach as an איש צדיק who walked with Hashem:
ֶאת ָהֱאֹלִקים ִהְתַהֶּלְך ֹנַח
Rashi points out that when Avraham Avinu describes his relationship with Hashem, he uses
slightly different language. Avraham says, ֲאֶׁשר ִהְתַהַּלְכִּתי ְלָפָניו, that he walked before
Hashem.
Rashi explains:
ֹנַח ָהָיה ָצִריְך ַסַעד ְלָתְמכֹו, ֲאָבל ַאְבָרָהם ָהָיה ִמְתַחֵּזק ּוְמַהֵּלְך ְּבִצְדקֹו ֵמֵאָליו.
Noach required support to sustain him, whereas Avraham strengthened himself and walked in
his righteousness on his own.
At first glance, this seems like a criticism of Noach. But Noach was a tzaddik (from his
kepeleh to his feetsalach). Perhaps Rashi is describing something about the way a person
develops inner strength. Noach needed support to continue walking, while Avraham had
developed the ability to strengthen himself.

WHO'S HOLDING YOU UP?
Nitzotzos | Rav Mordechai Burg 2
When a child is young, she is largely dependent on her parents to help her understand herself.
A child cannot always make sense of her own emotional experiences. If she becomes
frightened, she needs someone to reassure her. If she becomes frustrated, she needs someone to
help her calm down. Over time, the child begins to internalize the emotional support she has
received.
The reassuring voice of her parents gradually becomes a voice she can access within herself.
She becomes capable of tolerating disappointment without immediately falling apart. She
learns to recognize her own accomplishments without constantly needing someone else to
validate them. Eventually, she becomes capable of making decisions based on her own
understanding of what is right, even when other people disagree.
A child develops this independence through years of being supported by her parents. When
someone believes in us, we gradually learn to believe in ourselves. The emotional support we
receive also teaches us how to manage difficult feelings on our own. There is a stage in our
development when we need someone else to hold us up, and the support we receive during that
stage helps us develop the strength to stand on our own.
I am reminded of the extraordinary relationship between Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne
Sullivan.
Helen Keller lost her sight and hearing as a young child. When Anne Sullivan began teaching
her in 1887, Helen had no meaningful understanding of language. Sullivan patiently spelled
words into Helen's hand, helping her discover that the objects and experiences around her
could be understood and communicated.
The breakthrough came when Sullivan placed Helen's hand under running water while spelling
the word water into her other hand. Helen suddenly understood the relationship between words
and the world around her.
Sullivan continued teaching Helen, who eventually learned to communicate, read, write and
pursue an education.
Years later, while studying at Radcliffe College, Helen wrote a remarkable letter to her
professor, Charles Townsend Copeland.
She explained that she had spent much of her life trying to be like everybody else. She had
been so concerned with measuring herself against the experiences of other people that she had

WHO'S HOLDING YOU UP?
Nitzotzos | Rav Mordechai Burg 3
neglected the value of her own perspective.
She then wrote:
“Henceforth I am resolved to be myself, to live my own life and write my
own thoughts.”
Helen Keller could only write those words because someone had spent years helping her
discover what she was capable of. Anne Sullivan had given her the tools to understand the
world. Eventually, Helen was able to trust her own understanding of it.
She was no longer simply trying to understand the world through the perspectives of others.
She was beginning to trust that her own perspective had value.
As we grow older, we begin making decisions that increasingly shape our lives. We develop
our own relationships with Hashem. We make choices about our friendships, our values and
eventually the kinds of homes we want to build.
Of course, we need guidance. We need parents, teachers, rabbeim and friends whose opinions
we respect. But part of becoming an adult is developing the ability to listen to that guidance
without losing our own voice in the process.
Sometimes we ask people for advice because we genuinely value their wisdom. Other times,
we're simply frightened to trust ourselves.
Two people might ask exactly the same question, but their internal experiences can be very
different. One person is trying to gain perspective before making a decision. The other is
hoping someone will relieve her of the responsibility of making the decision altogether.
Avraham was ִמְתַחֵּזק ּוְמַהֵּלְך ְּבִצְדקֹו ֵמֵאָליו.